• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,187 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Six: Crusade To Get Laid

"Six, mares, suck."

Spike kicked a rock as he walked toward the Cutie Mark Crusaders' tree house. It was a good thing he could easily trick Owlowiscious into guarding the library for him today; he wasn't in any mood to hold down the book fort, as Twilight had ruined his desire to do so.

Owlowiscious - much like himself - was easily bribed by food. Insects and mice happened to do the trick. It disgusted Twilight, and it added only another job that Spike was required to do.

And all she does is sit on her plot, and study, and do whatever she wants to do, he thought.

"What about you, Spike? Would you like to go hang out with my girlfriends today?"

He could hear how excited Twilight's voice sounded, egging him on as a projection in his mind with a playful swish of her tail. Raw excitement gleamed in her glowing eyes.

"Would I!? I don't care if we're going on an adventure or seeing a movie or just sitting around talking. I would love too, Twilight! I just love learning about what you all do. I'm ready when you are. I promise not to try to be like Rainbow Dash, honest!"

Twilight nickered haughtily at Spike. "Adults, only, Spike. Maybe when you're older."

"But I am older!" he cried. "I'm half a hoof taller since we've come to Ponyville."

"When, you, are older." With a fizzling snap of air compressing around her Twilight left Spike's mind only that much more annoyed than it was already.

"Damn it, Twilight, don't you remember I cleaned your bed when you used to whizz yourself?" He reached down with a claw and dug his teeth into the rock in his hand, smashing it to pieces between his serrated teeth of masculine destruction. "Do you have any idea how bad that smells with all of the junk food you eat? I was a baby when I was toilet training so I get a free pass, but you did it up until you were eleven."

And Twilight wondered how he had matured so quickly.

He was thankful he hadn't taken the main road toward the tree house, or any road for that matter. Every step he took he felt like kicking something, and about every hundred or so, he did.

Spike mumbled curse words that he both knew and didn't know the full meaning of what they meant. Twilight wasn't here to hear them, and he needed to vent to himself and not be caught. He could never yell at Twilight unless she did something he didn't find morally right.

And since they almost always agreed on usually just about everything...

"Horseapples and pony poop," Spike grumbled, drudging across the lightly treed plains between Ponyville and the Apple Farm. So far he hadn't been caught, so clearly Fate was on his side on his escape from the library. For the moment. If he could bribe Fate, he would. Given a couple hundred years he was sure they'd come up with a deal as his hoard of awesome treasures grew. Fate was greedy when enough money was thrown it's way.

Thankfully he was able to go the whole way to the tree house unmolested, except for the faint taunts of Twilight echoing in his head. Instead of epicly punching the ghost of her cackling in his mind he punched the air instead. It wasn't nearly as satisfying.

You know... what if they aren't there? I never thought of that. Crap.

Once more Fate was currently giving him it's divine sanction as he reached the tree house. The chipper sounds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders pondering their next insane ploy that should have killed them - or sent them to therapy - echoed in his ears.

He sighed happily to himself. Sure the Cutie Mark Crusaders could get on the nerves of every living being within a ten mile radius, but currently they would offer him the comfort he needed.

Unless they didn't, in which case Spike would heavily consider eating a lot of apples to fix his weary, painful soul by filling his stomach until he wanted to puke.

"-we don't have Sunday school like some ponies do in Roam," Scootaloo's slightly gravelly voice said.

I hope she never picks up smoking, Spike chuckled to himself, because she'd sound like one of those lip-sticked mares in Canterlot who look like they've been abused. Why doesn't anypony help them? Twilight said they've done bad things, but police brutality? The guards in Canterlot are usually so nice! Except... the ones without the armor. They tend to be bullies.

"My sister wouldn't want me worshippin' Celestia like a deity anyways," Apple Bloom said. "Granny likes us to keep to the old Earth pony gods, even though they've been kinda shy."

"Rarity worships Iron Chef and Amareican Pickers!" Sweetie Belle chirped. “She’s an amazing cook, and I think I’m gonna take after her and maybe be a chef one day!"

Sweetie Belle’s compatriots decided not to comment on her cooking. The less that was said about it, the better.

Rarity loves to cook too? Spike was practically purring in his chest at the thought of baking something with Rarity. His talons gently stroking down her finely lotioned sides as the smells of wonderfully spiced vegetables and her shampoo rolled to the back of his brain.

He stealthily walked toward the fort, more than content to listen on the conversation of the Cutie Mark Crusaders talking without his presence known. It satisfied a stalker side of him that he didn't even really know he had. Draconic urges died hard.

"Tell me about it," Apple Bloom groaned, "AJ and her can go on for hours about 'dem pickers; and when Twilight joins ‘em I just wanna bang my head into a door."

Spike poked his head above the window of the fort to simply watch the Cutie Mark Crusaders laying around and not destroying anything for once. Rarity could always wait for his night dreams.

Twilight never shuts up about Pawn Stars. It's like she's testing herself on useless knowledge. He pondered to himself. Well... it's more useful than most of the books she reads anyways.

Scootaloo folded her forehooves behind her head casually, huffing at her two best friends. She laid down idly on her back. “Rainbow Dash doesn't watch any of those stupid shows. And she has the best TV in all of Ponyville county! Huge fifty inch flat screen. It’s killer.

“I’m sure you know that pretty well, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom hummed, stroking her own tail deviously. “Since ya more likely were in her lap watchin’ somethin’.”

“She does like to pet you a lot,” Sweetie pondered, stroking her chin. “Are you... a pet to her? Can I... pet you? Do you kick your hind hooves if I rub your stomach?”

Crimson quickly complimented the dull napalm colored fur on Scootaloo's cheeks. She pulled herself upright on reflex. “W-w-what!? She just does it cause it relaxes my muscles. So what if I watch movies with her? My dad doesn’t care!”

“Oh he’d care if she treated ya like yer're her foal, which she does.” Apple Bloom was positively blooming with glee at putting Scootaloo in a corner, watching Scootaloo's small wings rapidly flutter in shyness and embarrassment.

“She does not, you dork. And I’m not a pet, Belle. I just like being next to her!"

Scootaloo chuckled quietly, brushing a forehoof through her mane. "A-a-anyways, Rainbow likes really cool stuff like martial art films and thrillers; when she’s not doing something amazing of course.”

“Or watching Anime,” Spike added.

“Or Anime-hey wait no she doesn’t!” Scootaloo barked at Spike. “Rainbow would never watch cartoons anymore. She’s not six!”

He hopped through the window, landing on the floor of the tree house with a confident smile. “Really? Hey, Scootaloo, who’s Twilight's younger brother?”

She twitched her wings rapidly. “Y-y-you?”

He nodded. “Uh-huh. Now, who knows a bunch of Twilight’s secrets?”

“Y-y-you?”

And who would know what Twilight enjoys doing what with?”

“Y-y-you?”

He plopped himself down on the wooden floor with a smug grin. “Well I Pinkie Pie Promise that Rainbow Dash loves Anime; they both got into it together, and I know you watch it with her.”

Scootaloo stood up with another wisping flicker of her wings, glaring at the smirking faces around her. “S-s-so yeah I do! It’s cool. Shut up! You’re all jealous cause she’s warm, and soft, and hot, and-”

“We knew you had a crush on her!” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle fell over squealing in laughter, kicking their hooves into the air as they squealed in delight.

Spike snorted to himself. Wow, I feel right at home here. Man, maybe I should hang around these girls more when they aren’t doing something crazy, or maybe even then! That would be killer.

"Hey, don't feel bad about it, Scootaloo," Spike said gently, poking Scootaloo on the tip of her muzzle. “If it makes you feel better I got a secret on Apple Bloom. Let’s say it’s... a 'payment' for sneaking in the tree house.”

All three of the Crusaders turned their eyes toward Spike.

“Come on,” he continued, “you made fun of her, and that’s what friends do! Besides, you all know if there’s any pony out there who every pony finds sexy, it’s Rainbow Dash.”

With her wings spread and a glowing smile of victory on her face Scootaloo flicked her tail in triumphant joy. “See!?”

Apple Bloom scratched her mane. “W-hat’s... sexy, and what secrets do ya have on me? Oh no... please, Spike, don’t make me wanna cry.” Apple Bloom pouted, her bottom lip quivering.

He waved a claw dismissively at her. “It won’t be that bad. It’s just about the time you were reciting a poem you wrote during the family reunion last year and you happened to have done it... from another mouth, if I may be polite.”

Rarity, can’t you see our tongues are meant to be together? The irony of fart humor and Rarity simply didn't connect in his mind.

Apple Bloom flailed about in panic as her friends fell over in gay laughter. “I-I-It was the baked beans! I can’t resist ‘em! The sauce was thick, and I-”

“Nice going, Appleblurt.” Scootaloo had degraded into tear jerking hysterics, rolling around on the floor while Apple Bloom pouted up at Spike. He rolled his eyes at her claims of unfair treatment.

Maybe - just maybe - he had a darker side to him that Twilight had awoken through repressing his freedom of movement.

Or maybe he was just a dragon, and was naturally slightly a dick. He could get away with it though, because he was damn cute.

And sexy, his mind rumbled.

“You asked for it, Apple Bloom,” Spike nodded. “You know it’s true.”

“You are all so mean to each other,” Sweetie Belle giggled. “I just can’t do it. I love you two too much!”

With a deep groan Scootaloo wrapped a forehoof around Apple Bloom, patting her head with a wing as if Apple Bloom was a slab of uranium she was required to touch. “And I... love you too-just never tell Rainbow I said that.”

Apple Bloom perked up quickly, squeezing the life out of Scootaloo. The act resulted in Scootaloo letting out a gurgling choke that was only made worse by Sweetie Belle joining in on the free hugs.

“I love ya too, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom nickered. “Just cause we butt heads and head butts doesn’t mean we don’t love each other."

“Cutie Mark Crusader superhug!” Sweetie Belle squealed as she joined in on the hug, clearly to the gagging disgust of Scootaloo.

Scootaloo's eyes spoke volumes as she looked up at Spike. See what I have to put up with?

Oh you know you love it, Spike’s eyes replied.

...Damn it, Scootaloo’s eyes said submissively.

“So... uhh... what does sexy exactly mean?" Scootaloo said, tilting her muzzle toward Spike. "All I know is that it’s a compliment, and it fits Rainbow, so I have to know what it means.”

“Sexy is what Rarity wants to make everypony.” Sweetie Belle jumped on top of the Crusaders’ podium. “How all of those mares and colts look in those magazines of hers. It’s all about moving your flank a bunch while not falling over, and making it look natural. How you stand, and act, and dress and stuff!”

And Rarity can move her flanks too. Mmm...

Spike's thoughts once again wandered in a direction that he both wanted and didn't want them to wander too. Was it his fault that Rarity was as attractive as she was? Just the way she fluttered her eyelids broke hearts. His heart could be broken a thousand times by her, and he would stare at her just for one more look.

“What are you, a stalker and your sister?” Scootaloo growled at Sweetie Belle. "When did you know so much about fashion?"

“And you don't do that to Dasha?” Apple Bloom said.

“How can I stalk a mare who invites me to her house, boob head?”

Apple Bloom leaped forward, pressing her muzzle into Scootaloo's as the two fillies began to argue in a manner much like their older counterparts did. “I don’t got no boob on my head!”

The snide smile that spread across Scootaloo's face would have made Rainbow proud. “Yeah, but you will with how big Applejack’s are. They’ll totally bend around your crotch and hit you in the head when you walk,” Scootaloo snorted.

Spike couldn't help but laugh darkly at the exchange. Oh my gosh they are just like Applejack and Rainbow!

For only the shortest flash of a second Spike pondered about intervening to stop the fight, much akin to what Twilight did with Applejack and Rainbow. Breaking up fights before they exploded was a trait that Twilight had learned well since moving to Ponyville, and Spike had begun to master it himself.

Nah. That would've ruined half the fun.

Rainbow would've been proud of his wise choice. She would have enjoyed the chaos and Scootaloo's growing vocabulary. Rainbow was a good libertarian-anarchist like that.

“My sister can’t help what mama gave her," Apple Bloom snorted, prodding Scootaloo in the chest with the hardest end of her forehoof. "And they aren’t that big, and mine won’t be either, butt pecker!”

The argument had broken down to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom pressing their snouts together, shoving each other physically with every insult and retort.

“At least I won’t need to use that ribbon to hold your knockers together,” Scootaloo neighed, blowing out air from the end of her muzzle.

“How... I’m trying to picture this, and I can’t.” Sweetie Belle folded her ears. “Why is my brain so awful at pictures?” Her muzzle collapsed on the podium, lost in her brain's inability to visualize just about anything.

The fight didn't seem like stopping anytime soon, and Spike enjoyed it so, so much.

“Oh yea?" Apple Bloom huffed smugly. "At least I don’t brown nose Rainbow, cause that’s why yer coat looks like dried up pig slop.”

“Well Rainbow’s smells nicer than Applejack’s anyways.” Scootaloo stomped a forehoof on the floor resolutely, spreading her wings.

Silence filled the room. Three pairs of eyes slowly looked at each other before setting a confused and interested gaze on Scootaloo.

She looked between her friends - and the half defending her, half watching the fight Spike - in bemusement. “What? It’s true,” she said.

Apple Bloom was the first to speak, raising a forehoof. “W-w-why were you sniffin’ my sister?”

“Y-yeah they both kinda smell gross," Sweetie Belle shivered. "Rarity does too back there, o-only because I’ve bumped into her before!” She clopped her forehooves together, staring at the ceiling.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Spike casually said, wrapping a paw around Scootaloo protectively. “No, really, it isn’t. In fact if anything Scootaloo here is most mature of all of you.”

Aww yeah!” Scootaloo squeed. “You two just got owned.”

Spike idly stroked down Scootaloo's back, letting his talons trace down her spine, feeling the grooves that wormed their way done her body. She shivered softly in content at the unique feeling of claws tracing down her frame. He didn't even realize he was doing it. The supervillain side of his personality was pleased.

“They sure did, and let me explain," Spike said. "Ponies sniff around the rears of other ponies they like when they reach adulthood, but it’s much more subtle in public and considered very rude. So Scootaloo didn't own you two there.”

Each of the Crusaders eyed each other in bewilderment before Spike continued on his hypothesis. “Where she did own you though was in that she’s way ahead of you on developing this; like Rainbow was as a filly. Scootaloo is on the quest - although this is just speculation on my part from what I've heard - to get laid."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at each other for a few moments, blinking slowly in comprehension.

“But... ain't laying down how we sleep?” Apple Bloom asked, scratching the back of her head.

“Y-yeah I’m pretty good at just laying around,” Scootaloo said, flicking her tail.

“I’m not,” Sweetie Belle said dejectedly, looking at the floor. She scoffed at the wood, folding her ears sadly. “I get really bad back and side pain, and my mattress is too stiff. Rarity won’t get me another one, even though her perfume is expensive. It isn’t fair!”

Is this what Twilight feels like around me? Spike sighed internally. That ponies don't get what you are saying half of the time? I can see why she binge eats.

“I mean get laid with another pony,” Spike groaned in a manner Twilight would have surely approved of. He was glad he was taking the best traits of Rainbow and Twilight. It only fit his own growing awesomeness.

Confusion still graced the cheeks of the Crusaders as they plopped themselves down onto their hindquarters.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Uhh... laying down with another pony? Together? Rainbow likes that a lot if you all haven't noticed. Walking in a way to get really close to another pony? Laying with them? Do I have to spell this out?”

“B-but Big Mac lets me lay beside ‘im all the time,” Apple Bloom said. “Like... really! After a days work an’ after dinner I just lean into him for an hour as he reads his books ‘n he tells me how much he loves me; ‘n Applejack does it too. Honest! So... did I get laid? I didn’t have to do no sexyfying.”

“And Rarity let’s me do it even when she’s groaning the whole time.” Sweetie Belle flicked her tail, nodding at Apple Bloom. “Except when I’m crying. Then she stops groaning and tells me how much she loves me, and I don’t think she’s joking then.”

“Dash and Dad do that too,” Scootaloo said, preening with confidence as her wings spread by her side. “Dad is usually tired, but Rainbow... like... totally lets me nuzzle into her and smell her coat; and oh man she’s as soft as she looks; except for the totally awesome muscles she has underneath. I just rub my muzzle through her side and lick at her fur, and it makes her giggle. She treats me like-”

Scootaloo stopped mid sentence, rubbing a wing across her muzzle. “Okay, holy crap, I have a crush on her, but it’s not like an Apple family crush, cause we aren’t related.”

“My family is not incestouspous!” Apple Bloom growled, gently shoving Scootaloo. “I hate how everypony says that! We just try to keep it to fellow Fruits is all. Keeps the cutie marks ‘pure’ as Granny says. Ever since that feud in the 1800’s with the Tungstens.”

Spike threw his claws into the air. They needed a prime example, and he had the most glorious and best example in history.

“Like how I want to play Titanic music, take Rarity to a nice dinner, stroke her, and then show her what a dragon tongue can do getting laid!”

Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom looked up at Spike in raw shock.

All Spike could do was sigh deeply to himself.

Well... buck.

It was the best word he could think of to describe everything that had just happened in the last few minutes. Twilight would’ve grounded him for years if he ever said that aloud.

Of course, she could say it if a book slammed on her knee or she hit a leg on a corner, which she did. She also used several other words Rainbow used in casual conversation if that happened as well.

Twilight being vocally pure? Spike knew that despite Twilight having a vocabulary that nearly reached a hundred thousand words she sometimes decided to use a lexicon you didn’t use in public.

But that was okay for her, right?

Sometimes, she could be a real bitch.

Yeah, Twilight, I know what that words mean.

“S-s-so is that... what special someponies do?” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Yes,” Spike said tiredly. “Special someponies make out and snuggle. That is called getting laid. Or you don’t even need to be special someponies; you can go to clubs and just do it for a day. And you know what? Twilight and her friends are doing that tonight, and they are drinking too.” He folded his arms, blowing out a cloud of smoke from the end of his muzzle. “It isn’t fair to us. They treat us like babies."

“It isn't!” Apple Bloom shouted. “I’m gonna steal us some Apple Alcohol and we’re gonna get tipsy, and twanky, and we’re gonna do what Dasha and AJ and them other girls and colts do. We are gonna get laid too. Cause I wanna have a fun time.”

Scootaloo shot up into the air with a rapid pulse of her wings. “Aww yeah! Let’s find us some colts to kiss and share cider with! We’ll get laid, and tipsy, and have a great time, and talk about it at school tomorrow when our sisters are still having their heads pounding. We’ll be totally the talk of the school!”

“Oh my gosh that sounds amazing!” Sweetie Belle cantered in place, letting out incoherent sounds of raw bliss. “We’ll just say to Cheerilee that we all got headaches from hitting our heads doing logging or something!”

“Genius!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo squeed.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Laid... er... nators, yay!”

Only if I can come too," Spike said. "You three need a guy to help convince the other guys how cool you are.”

And you all can help me find a filly who Rarity will beg me to reconsider for her. Rarity was always the end goal of every single plan Spike would ever conceive of.

Hehehe. Spike, was pleased by his own genius.

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