//------------------------------//
// Chapter Fourteen: Stoned Steamtrain Shenanigans 
// Story: Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen 
// by KiltedKey 
//------------------------------//

	Rainbow hovered over the carcass that was formerly her friend Rarity, tilting her muzzle to the side to study Rarity's body.

She looked... well... dead.

"So..." Rainbow clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Do you think that killed her? And we're maybe  half way to Canterlot. We could always toss her off the cliffs."

"Rainbow, you can see she is still breathing." Twilight sighed, prodding Rarity's chest gently for a response.  

"I was joking," Dash mumbled. "We could sell her coat to griffins though."

Twilight glanced around at her friends before settling her eyes on Rainbow. "Besides, I think that's a suggestion that I need to make first. I'm the one with the magic who could pull it off."

Rainbow bit her bottom lip. "Okay... so that isn't the least bit creepy, 'Doctor' Twilight."

Applejack was not amused by the stupidity of her friends. It was one thing to poke fun of Rarity for the amusement of everypony around her, but it was another for them to do it when she was down and out for the count. She had to draw the line. Somewhere.

And that line was flirting with Twilight. Her ethical code was exceptional.	

Applejack raised an eyebrow at Twilight. "It is creepy, Rainbow, but that's her call ta make when things get rough."

"You are so kissing her ass, AJ," Rainbow snickered.

"And it's working," Twilight hummed softly, flicking her tail. "Keep on doing that, Applejack, and you'll make up for earlier."

"But you aren't a doctor, Twilight." Fluttershy laid down beside Rarity, stroking a forehoof up and down her faintly moving chest to scratch at the pristine coat underneath. "You don't know what you are talking about other than theory when it comes to medicine; and that goes for you too, Rainbow." 

Fluttershy looked up at Twilight. "She's just... umm... really, really high with the way her right forehoof is tapping lightly onto her coat. Her eyelids are fluttering consistently with what I see in most of my clients. She's alright."

"Hah!" Rainbow stabbed a forehoof into Twilight's side, twirling through the air in victory. "You just got owned by Flutter-oww, my tail!" 

Rainbow hung limply in the air with her wild tail momentarily turned into a razor of prismatic hair, Twilight's magic squeezing the hair into a blade. Her crotch was exposed to the world shamelessly, and yet not a single blush was on her muzzle. 

"What is with you grabbing my tail all the time, Twilight? Look, I know you like to stop me from doing things and all, but you can always... I don't know... grab the rest of me? I have a nice aircraft carrier, I know! Either clean the runway, or put fuel inside of it. I also don't exactly have a pain tolerance to tail yanking."

"Or play with her sinkhole," Applejack grinned. "I'm sure Pinkie knows all about how ta help ya with that."

Pinkie oinked, stroking Rainbow's tail evilly. "So what you have to do, Twilight, is pull her tail a hoof from the base, and-"

Rainbow returned Pinkie's evil grin. "Hey, Pinkie, remember when I used the chopping board as a paddle? I remember you-"

"Oh look, generic gum over here!" Pinkie whistled casually as she checked under the seats of the train, attempting to hide the burning cherry that began to fissure over her cheeks. It wasn't working.

"Pershing's penis, can ya two shut it?" Applejack said, resting her muzzle in her own mane. Her blond tail hung loosely over the sides of her couch. "She's wakin' up. I... think."

"Give her a minute, Applejack." Fluttershy smiled. "She's most likely having the best dream of her life. Let her enjoy it. The longer she's there, the more she has to tell us of what this is like. I'm... excited!"

"Wait a second, penis!?" Pinkie Pie landed on top of Applejack, who grunted out in agony at the sudden pudgy mass of Pinkie Pie now calling Applejack's body her home. 

Pinkie looked down at her current carpet with a beaming smile. "Oh oh oh, is it the hovering out of nowhere kind, Applejack? I've always wondered what they taste like, not having a body attached to them."

Applejack slammed her snout into the base of the seat. "Sometimes... I think Pinkie's retarded."

Recently freed of her magical prison, Rainbow flew over to Applejack to help her with her Pinkie Pie Problem. She scooped up Pinkie with a faint grunt, lifting her up as if she were a bubblegum colored bomb. She plopped her down on the ground, treating Pinkie like a cat jumping up on the wrong counter top. "But don't you think of me like that too sometimes, Applejack?"

Applejack nodded. "I do, RD, and that's why I feel smart."

Rainbow snorted derisively. "'Feel' smart."

Hearing about one of her defining traits being abused was not acceptable to Twilight. She turned toward Applejack and Rainbow, intent on ending the argument once and for all. "I'm just not going to mention I'm the one with a bachelors degree at twenty," she gleamed, stroking the front of her chest in a momentary boast. "Almost done with two more as well."

"But... you just did, Twilight." Rainbow blinked, scratching the back of her mane.

Twilight ignored the comment, turning her attention toward Applejack. "So, Applejack, would you like to talk about poly-cultural crop rotation? I've learned so much from your practical applications in the field."

Pinkie Pie snorted childishly from under a seat. "Heh. 'Crop rotation'."

Rainbow folded her forehooves across her chest, blowing at her bangs. "I'm getting a degree, and I would be getting two if I didn't drop out of one like an idiot." She chuckled dryly, eyeing the bemusement in both Applejack's and Twilight's eyes. "Might go get it anyways. Could be a good back up career. In case... ya know... the one percent chance I don't make it into the Wonderbolts."

"Smartflanking and idiocy?" Twilight asked, flicking her tail. "You're on your post doctorate research on both, Rainbow Dash, so I don't know what you mean by you dropping out of one. I just completed my masters on smartflanking; you've been a good mentor." She gave Dash a playful wink. "Honestly? On that, thanks."

"But where did she get the stupidity degree?" Applejack stroked her chin, glancing at the gum searching Pinkie. She gave Twilight a shrug of her broad shoulders. "I think she forgot to bring that up. But... I got nothin'."

"Hmm," Twilight pondered, laying down beside Applejack. "I'll get back to you on that."

Rainbow's wings flapped loudly in agitation, a faint growl trundling out of her mouth. "Exercise Physiology and Pegasi Structural Engineering. I dropped out of the later-"

Twilight leaned forward, sharing the look of awe that Applejack also held on her muzzle. They both looked at each other, prodding one another with a forehoof to make sure they were still among the living. 

She summed up both of their thoughts. 

"I am usually not this blunt," Twilight said, "so I really, really mean it, Rainbow. You have to be shitting me." 

Twilight was on a roll with her study of curse words and their ample ability to become just about anything they wanted to be. In a grammatical sense of course. Applejack was about to comment on the unexpected word choice, but was interrupted by Rainbow.

"Really?" Rainbow said, pressing her muzzle into Twilight's own. "You think I just trotted into this body? Who has the massive floating pimped out pad? I do. Who do you think built it? My dad, and me. You think cloudcrete is just something you push into place and forget about? I studied a lot to learn what I needed to build that house and my body, you know. I'm smarter than I look."

"I... I didn't know, Rainbow, I'm sorry." Twilight looked away meekly, her eyes bordering on tears. "It was just a joke, and... I didn't know that you wanted to be like your father. That's really admirable."

"And... I didn't either, sugercube." Applejack scoffed at the couch shyly. "Well... Abrams' anus, I feel like an idiot now." 

Rainbow landed beside Applejack and Twilight, wrapping a wing around both of them. She let out a deep, loud sigh, cursing under her breath. 

"It's my fault for not saying anything about it and being pissy," Rainbow said. Her wings gently squeezed Applejack's and Twilight's sides. "I just... don't want ponies to know about it, I guess. Egghead fear, you know? And I'm just pent up, and you know that." 

Twilight bit her bottom lip. "It makes sense though. You always seemed to dodge the question about what you did when you left Flight School. It would explain why there are so many university grade books on physical fitness in your house. I thought you'd maybe be browsing through them, but to know you actually are studying in the field?"

Rainbow smiled softly. "It's okay though, seriously. I kind of do act like a dick all the time, so I earned all of that. Just remember, I'm more complex then ya think. Isn't that... kinda a running gag with me?"

"Tell me about it," Twilight laughed, nuzzling gently into Rainbow's neck. "You bottle up way too much, Rainbow. You might need me as a therapist."

"Hottest therapist I know," Rainbow winked. 

"Amen to that," Applejack nodded. 

Her snout scrunched up into her neck as her words exited her muzzle, a flaming red blush blasting over her cheeks. "I-I-I said I need my hat! I feel lonely not wearin' it."

Rainbow ruffled a wing messily through Applejack's flowing blond mane. "You're the hottest Earth pony I know, and the hat means I can't see your face as well. Gonna have to deal with not wearing it tonight. You really need to accept, AJ, that you're a hot blond. It's kinda a fact."

Applejack mumbled curses under her breath as Twilight and Rainbow giggled at her rare meekness.

Pinkie Pie leapt from under a train seat to pull Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack into a group hug. "Here's some advice from Aunt Pinkie to you three: Just do each other and get it over with!"

Her three friends turned ruby at Pinkie's completely expected bluntness, their eyes staring at her in an attempt to glare her down.

Pinkie was immune to such mortal gazes.

"No, really," Pinkie said flatly. "Just have sex with each other. I know I said we shouldn't do that, but look at you three. You get along so well and you would be amazing in the bedroom. Dash is really-epp!"

"How about we just hug and ignore me being a bitch for a minute," Rainbow said, idly shoving Pinkie onto a seat with a push of her forehoof. "I totally owe you two drinks."

"That, I can do." Twilight wrapped her forehooves around Rainbow's and Applejack's frames, giving her two friends a tight, firm squeeze, sinking her hooves into their coats.

Dash sighed happily in delight. "Mmm. Twi' hug. The best of hugs."

"What about me?" Applejack said, raising her eyebrow at Rainbow.

"You hug too tightly," Rainbow smiled. "And I get to look at Twilight's sweaty butt when I help her lose weight, since I've looked at your own too much for my own good, Applejack."

As quickly as the hug began, Rainbow was magically shoved into Pinkie by Twilight.

Twilight's violet eyes stared darkly at Rainbow as laughter barked out of Rainbow's muzzle. "You are such a pervert, Rainbow!"

"Never denied that!" Dash squealed. Her grinning grew wider as the scowling growl that trundled out of Twilight's muzzle was joined by Applejack's own chuckling.

"Girls," Fluttershy said, "Rarity's waking up!"

Rarity opened her sapphire eyes to the usual sounds of her friends giving a pristine example of why the six of them were no longer fit to be considered the ideal role model for children. The only thing the Elements of Harmony had going for them was how they loved each other and how they would stick by one another through Tartarus and back. Their bickering was all in playful fun. 

Most of the time. Some of the time.

Divine providence just had a sick sense of humor, and liked to pass it along to the chosen saviors of the land.

It didn't matter at the current moment though, because Rarity was so damn high.

"You know," Rarity began, her bloodshot eyes looking at her peers, "I can tell you exactly how I feel right now." 

Her friends shuffled forward toward Rarity quickly, as if she had just come back from the dead. Rainbow hovered above her, Twilight and Applejack resting a forehoof each on Rarity's knees. Pinkie simply bounced up and down with the springing excitement that was her trademarked license.

Rarity coughed loudly, sitting up with her forehooves pushed into the floor. Her blue eyes slowly tracked over the excited and curious looks that her friends gave her. "Have you ever been in public, or the movie theater, a party - it doesn't matter - and you've had to hold in a massive bit of flatulence? It can just ruin your night. And you hold it in, and hold it in, and hold it in. And it grows, and grows, and grows, and finally you can go to the bathroom." She tittered drunkenly, resting her head on the seat behind her. "I feel like I just have released myself. An explosion of flatulence! Oh, dears, it is a pleasure of self release I darkly enjoy oh so much."

Rainbow dragged a forehoof across her snout, letting out a furious groan. "So it's disgusting when I talk about farting, but completely okay when she does it? Give me that vaporizer, Rarity!"

"Well..." Twilight blinked, scratching an ear. "That was unexpected. I'm not sure if I want to try it now. If this is what it can do to Rarity, then what we have here is a substance that we should absolutely not try, considering our mental histories."

"You don't get it, Twilight." Pinkie grabbed Twilight, shaking her violently. "It's so good that it can switch our personalities around. Don't you see the possibilities? It means I can be normal. It means Fluttershy can have confidence. It's the greatest drug since... since..."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Aspirin? Penicillin? No, Pinkie. It's not."

"Oh, but it's so bloody close," Rarity rumbled. She stood up slowly, shaking herself off with a nickering sigh of content as her body and tail swayed to the movement of her relieving exhale.

She turned toward her friends, unable to keep a relaxed smile from spreading over her muzzle. "Please try it, everypony. I feel like I've just received a full body massage with a happy ending."

"Too much information, Rarity," Twilight said, stroking her forehead gently. "Although this might be evidence that Pinkie's theory on this drug switching our personalities around could be true."

Pinkie folded her forehooves across her chest. "I might not have solved the eaten cake mystery, Twilight, but I know my drugs. I... think."

"And that isn't even the start of how I feel," Rarity tittered, swishing her tail behind herself. "I feel like I've finished a dress, did an intense and soul purging yoga lesson, duck taped Pinkie's mouth-"

"Hey!"

"-and successfully got Twilight and Rainbow to date, love, marry, and live happily ever after. It will be the most beautiful wedding since Shining Armor's and Cadance's, filled with-"

Rarity's friends blinked in unison, their muzzles blank at the information that was given to them. They looked at each other slowly, processing the long and arduous day that they had undertaken together. 

Their eyes quietly passed every bit of knowledge that they had. Every plan that was supposed to have happened.

The whole night had been explained, and it only required drugging up Rarity.

"Nice job ruining our surprise, Rarity," Pinkie grunted. "We planned for like... fifteen minutes for that. And now it's all gone! Do you have any idea how much planning fifteen minutes is for me?"

"Poor Rarity," Fluttershy said, folding her ears. "She did all of that planning for hours and now it's ruined. Isn't that awful, Pinkie Pie?"

"Well," Applejack began, licking her bottom lip, "this solves 'n explains just about every problem and the whole damn day. An' we didn't even need to play Truth or Dare to get it out of Rarity. Maybe reefer madness can really help make the world a better place, lettin' Rarity get all of her scheming off of her chest an' helping us and ponies relax when the goin' gets tough."

She looked at Twilight with a faint smile, placing a forehoof on her shoulder. "Maybe ya need to take a hit after all, Twilight. You've been almost as tense as Rarity." 

Twilight rolled her eyes dismissively, dodging the notion that she had emotional issues and tension inside of her. "I think I'll pass considering the potency of the stuff, Applejack. Not to mention, Rarity, that when Rainbow, Applejack, and I compared the evidence and what had happened today, we pretty much knew that you were doing this several hours ago. Now that you have just admitted to your own scheming, and Pinkie and Fluttershy have as well, that settles it."

Rainbow folded her forehooves across her chest, her nostrils sniffing the silver shaft. "I told you I know more about relationships than Rares. And you all think I suck with reading ponies' emotions sometimes."

"I hate to say this, Rainbow," Fluttershy said, pressing a forehoof into Rainbow's side, "but you do. You can be very insensitive."

"Eeeeeyup," Applejack nodded.

Twilight looked up at Rainbow inserting the vaporizer into her muzzle to take several quiet, almost philosophical puffs at Fluttershy's words. She stroked her chin for several moments. "So maybe Pinkie is right. This drug could be the ultimate lie detector. Or it could explain why the Neightherlands' royal family get along so well with each other."

Fluttershy giggled excitedly, clopping her forehooves together. "I could make a fortune cornering the market here in Equestria! Then I can use the money to secretly sabotage logging companies in Brayzil. I can save the rain forest!" 

For a few seconds, Rarity stood there in mute silence, the gears of her active mind churning together what she had just said. The magically infused THC had numbed part of her brain and awakened others. Clearly, it had activated the parts she didn't exactly want to be known. But it was too late.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. 

“Well. Buck,” she said. “This weed is so good that I have turned into Applejack. Well played, Fluttershy, well played.”

“But... I didn't do or plan anything, Rarity." Fluttershy tilted her muzzle to the side. "I told you I wanted to test it first, but you took it away from me before I could."

"But... ya offered it to her in the spa," Applejack said, scratching the back of her mane.

"Oh no, I offered before I even tested it first. I am an awful pony!"

"I-"

Pinkie grabbed Fluttershy, lifting her up onto her hind legs. She pressed her muzzle into Fluttershy's own, shaking her gently. "Keep, cool, Fluttershy! We all would've done the same thing if we were you, too. Whatever you do, don't panic."

Twilight stared at Pinkie.

Pinkie turned her muzzle to look back at Twilight, her own eyes matching the glare that Twilight gave her.

"You win for now, Twilight. For now."

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat, laying down on her side slowly. “I’m just going to inhale through my nose and completely let myself forget that my entire hidden agenda for this evening was compromised by a stupendously good batch of marijuana." She hummed casually, looking at her own forehoof. "And now I am only reconfirming what I could have attempted to fix. My mouth just seems to be constantly running itself, as it is apt to do from time to time when I am stressed. And you know what? Frankly, my dears, I just don’t give a damn. It feels wonderful not to be paranoid about scheming things." 

She tilted her head toward Rainbow, who seemed content to take her time and take very small, suckling nips on the drug. "You really should try it, Twilight sweetie."

Twilight bit her bottom lip nervously. “I kind of want to enjoy how Fluttershy inadvertently helped me have a strategic victory. You know, me effortlessly dominating you without even having to try as my enemies sabotage themselves with their own tactics. Typical results when people play me in strategy games."

"Now calm down there, Twi'," Applejack faintly growled, her emerald eyes glaring at her. "Don't pull a Dasha now."

Twilight sighed quietly, shaking her muzzle at Applejack as she looked at the ground. "Fine. Why do I have such high ethical standards for myself all the time?"

"Uhh..." Applejack blinked. "Cause... yer're... a good pony?"

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't, Applejack. Sometimes I wish I could just let go for once."

Hovering in the air and puffing for the last time onto the vaporizer, Rainbow's magenta eyes looked down at the long, silver staff. She pulled it away slowly, blowing out a jet of water vapor from her nose. 

“Holy crap,” Rainbow whistled, landing on top of a seat lazily. “This... this is different than any pot we’ve ever tried. This is like... the solving of world problems kind of weed, and I feel only slightly dizzy. You gotta try this. It’s like... the essence of being a pony kind of weed.”

"Mother of Celestia," Pinkie mumbled under her breath, "it's turned Dash into a hipster. I don't know if this is amazing, or I should begin to immediately kill her." She stroked her chin. "Decisions, decisions."

Twilight shook her head at Rainbow. "We should talk about what's going on first, and what our new plans are, since this has changed everything. Now we can be... well... adults, and discuss exactly who has feelings for wh-"

“Try the damn weed!” Rainbow yelled, shoving the vaporizer into Twilight's muzzle. She held down the trigger for Twilight, just like a good friend should. 

"Yes," Pinkie cheered with a hoof pump. "I don't have to kill her. Whew! Annoying hipsters are my mortal enemies. As is Thor."

"You will love it," Rarity giggled, her magic thrumming to life to help Rainbow hold down the grip. "I promise, sweetie, everything will become clear once Rainbow and I abuse our friendship. We are generous and loyal friends after all, and this is the morally right thing to do."

Applejack clicked her tongue between her teeth. "I... I should stop this, but the simple thought of seein' Twi' completely gone sounds interestin'." Her ears folded by the side of her muzzle. "I'm ashamed of myself, but the mare needs to relax."

"There, there, Applejack," Fluttershy cooed, wrapping a wing around Applejack. "It's just harmless fun. And Pinkie is right: Sometimes you have to tie down and force Twilight to do things in order for her to realize how much fun they are. It's the same with me too."

Applejack retreated from Fluttershy. "That... that is perhaps the most bucked up moral I've ever heard comin' from you, Fluttershy. What is wrong with you, girl?"

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy. "I'm... gonna agree with Applejack on this, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy dug her forehooves into Applejack and Pinkie Pie's coats, lifting them up in each of her forehooves. Her mako colored eyes radioactively glowed with anger as she bored her eyes into the pinpricks that her friends gave her in return. 

"It cost me nearly five thousand bits to get just the seeds and a year to grow them. So you're gonna like it, and let her like it. Got it?"

Applejack and Pinkie gulped down the balls of saliva that had wadded up in their throats, nodding their heads in unison. Their eyes turned to look at the ungraceful flailing of Twilight's futile attempts to physically stop Rainbow and Rarity from giving her a massive injection of THC. 

Sure, Twilight could have used her magic to shove every object within a ten foot radius around her away, but being choked of her oxygen supply wasn't helping, nor was she open to killing her friends most of the time.

Twilight had the best of friends. She truly did.

Eventually, Rainbow and Rarity released their grip on Twilight after nearly half a minute of forcing her to inhale and exhale injection after injection of royalty grade cannabis vapor. She coughed loudly and repeatedly, completely invaliding the point of even smoking the substance with a vaporizer. It took all of her effort to keep herself standing, and even in that endeavor she failed, leaning into a seat to keep herself upright.

"Forcing me... to try an illegal drug doesn't help with me not wanting to kill you all," Twilight wheezed. "It... it..."

Her eyes were once a beautiful violet, and in fact they still were. What wasn't beautiful was the glowing red bloodshot veins that pulsated across them; the overwhelming rush of not being quite on Equestria filling her brain. Her vision was blurry from the flood of hormones dancing in her bloodstream, and her fur stuck up on its edges at the mixed signals that her brain could not fully process.

Twilight Sparkle was really, really stoned. Far more stoned than she had ever been in her entire life, and far more stoned than a mare like her at a time like this should be.

"Maybe... we gave her too much?" Rainbow said, resting a forehoof gently on Rarity's back. "I did take it kinda slow, and I feel pretty friggin good."

"Perhaps a wee bit," Rarity giggled. "But she'll be alright. Look at me: I'm doing pretty well. Although spilling my secrets and letting out all of that tension certainly helps as well, Dash."

Pinkie reached forward to take the vaporizer from Twilight, looking it over curiously. "I don't know," she said. "As Fluttershy said, we have forced her into a lot of things that she's liked later."

"I'm okay," Twilight panted quietly. She took a step forward, stumbling on her hooves until she regained her balance. "I'm okay! Just... wow. Holy... wow. I... living. I live, right? We're living... right? How are we alive? We've been through so many things that should have killed us. But here we are, alive! Damn do I feel alive. And... do I have wings? I feel like I'm not quite touching the ground."

"Silly filly," Pinkie giggled, nipping at the tip of the vaporizer, "you don't become an alicorn by getting high. We'd all look horrible as alicorns. You'd be cute as one though."

Twilight took a few more steps forward, giggling quietly to herself as she let out a wild nicker, shaking her muzzle and mane from side to side as if she had just taken a cold shower. "Whew! I... I can't even describe how I feel. I feel like Rainbow Dash just had sex with me. Or is me. Or we're one. Or we had sex as one. Does... that make any sense?"

Applejack turned to look at Fluttershy. "Are... are ya sure there ain't no LSD in that?"

"I'm sure," Fluttershy nodded, her wings spread in delight. "I think she's just had too much, is releasing it like Rarity, and is simply enjoying the full body experience. Oh I'm going to save so many trees with this!"

Pinkie shrugged, blowing out a gentle huff of air from the end of her muzzle. "I agree with Rainbow. You have to take this slow. It might help Twilight with her Asper-"

She screeched as she held her left eye with a forehoof, falling over onto a seat with a whimper as Twilight trotted past her. "What the hay, Twilight!? Why is everypony hitting me in the eye today?"

Twilight could not help but turn her head around with a soft, snide grin, flicking her tail casually across Pinkie's face. "Opps. Sorry, Pinkie, I think it was a muscle twitch."

Rainbow and Rarity blinked, looking at each other silently as Twilight slowly walked away from Pinkie.

"I'm watching you, Twilight," Pinkie mumbled, suckling onto the vaporizer. "I'm doubly watching you. You can... woah..."

She leaned forward unintentionally. Or very intentionally. Her tail swished excitedly onto the seat underneath her as she looked over Twilight's withers. "Twilight. You, are, hot. Dash was right. I love what beat you got bumpin' in that trunk of yours."

"Hey!" Rainbow said, stabbing a forehoof into Pinkie's snout, "what did you say about not wanting to date her?"

"Dating isn't the same as eye candy, Rainbow," Pinkie said. "Just... just look at her. Look, at, that."

Twilight slowly swayed her curved rump, laying down on her side with a seductive grin tracing itself across her muzzle. Her long, flowing tail curled around her body, her left forehoof stroking down the length sinfully. It was as if she were a supervillain petting her tail like her evil cat.

Applejack twirled a forehoof through her blond mane. “Ya know... sometimes, I think we’re a train wreck waitin' to happen. I'm not sure if we are better sober, or drunk, or high. Things screw up around us. Or... we're just screwed up, and we don't know it. But ya know what? Hot damn does Twilight look good."

“Shh!” Rarity hissed, grabbing Applejack to use her as a pillow. “We’re watching our lovely purple project show how wonderfully grown up she has become. Oh you magnificent mare. Go Twilight!”

"Do you like what you see, Pinkie?" Twilight nickered lustfully. Her eyes fluttered rapidly at Pinkie as she twirled a hoof through her tail, glancing at her friends looking at her. "I feel fantastic letting loose all of this tension. This must be what Rarity feels like, but she's not important compared to what I'd do to your cutie mark, Pinkie Pie."

"Is... Twilight flirting with Pinkie?" Fluttershy whispered. "This is-" 

“Shh!’ Dash said, pressing a forehoof to Fluttershy's muzzle. “She’s being hot. Never interrupt Twilight being hot. This is off the charts hot."

Twilight leaned forward to bring her muzzle as close as she could to Pinkie's, showing off the definition in her thighs and hind legs. She slowly traced her tongue across her lips, smiling at the burning blush that stained Pinkie's muzzle. "And if you don't get a colt or mare tonight, Pinkie, I might come to you in more ways than one."

“Well," Applejack sighed, letting her mane and coat be brushed to Rarity's content, "I guess she had to lose that final bit of her innocence one day. Y'all can blame me for givin' up on tryin' to save our foalhoods."

"I was innocent once?" Rainbow asked, landing beside Applejack. She grinned at the little hums of peace that Rarity made as she pet Applejack. "Because I could go on forever about Flight School and what I used to do."

Applejack slammed her head into the seat once more, accepting her fate as Rarity's current pet pony. "Ya know, reefer madness might really be the solution. For me."

“U-U-umm, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, removing the vaporizer from her muzzle. “I-I-I’m pretty sure you never had eyeliner before. I-I-It makes you sexy-I-I-I mean-” She was blushing much more than the pot should have made her.

Rarity cooed happily, squeezing her Apple plushie. “Yes she is. I gave her eyeliner the same color as her muzzle and eyes so you can only notice it when she purrs like she does. Oh my wonderful Twilight Sparkle do you sparkle!” 

Abandoning Applejack as effortlessly as she had claimed her, she reached forward to kiss Twilight on the cheek, stroking through her silky mane. 

“Ohh how fine your hair is. I-”

"Hah, she fell for it!" Twilight burst out into a torrent of cackles, burying her snout into Rarity's neck. "I was thinking to myself with this new look I could practice my flirting, and clearly it worked! I didn't know being this high improved my self confidence so much! Or maybe you are right, Rarity; we've just stopped caring and can start relaxing."

"I'm so happy for you all," Fluttershy said. She hovered over Twilight to give her a kiss on the forehead, giggling profusely. "To know that you two can finally relax after what we've been through today is wonderful."

Pinkie Pie on the other hoof was not amused by Twilight's flirting simply being a test. She mumbled incoherently to herself, puffing out air from the end of her muzzle. "Well at least I have this." She pulled on the trigger longer, her cerulean eyes relaxing as they closed in contemplation.

Contemplation wasn't very open or willing on being anywhere within the natural body heat of Pinkie Pie's frame, but it was sadly pulled there without its consent. Despite all of the flailing it did as it was suckled into Pinkie Pie's chemically altered mind, her mind didn't sodomize Contemplation in her currently altered state. It was lucky.

When Pinkie's eyes opened she no longer looked quite like herself. She was in an odd sort of peace. A peace with so many sides of her personality that it felt like she was whole for the first time in her life. 

She felt... grounded.

"Wow." Pinkie whistled loudly. "Rainbow Dash was right. I feel like every side of me is all in one pony. This... is incredible! You've saved me from myself, Fluttershy."

"I have absolutely no idea what she's talkin' about," Applejack said, getting up to steal the vaporizer from Pinkie. "And so I'm gonna use this, like Rarity, and have absolutely no idea what's goin' on anymore." She folded her ears as she looked down at the vaporizer. "I'm gonna miss you, brain."

"Pinkie Pie has two personalities, like Twilight does when she's CORAD insane," Dash said, poking Applejack's cheek with a forehoof. "I've almost never seen her like this, so this is kinda interesting." 

Placing the rod in her mouth with a shrug, Applejack eyed Twilight and Rarity giggling, cuddling, and half crawling on top of each other. Her emerald eyes stared off into the distance as she clicked on the trigger, puffing out air from the end of her mouth. "Very interestin' taste," she said. "Kinda earthy, chocolate, and spiced all at once. How in the hay did they do that?"

"You have to realize, Applejack, that this is grown by the Neightherlands' royal family." Fluttershy hung her forehooves over Rainbow's side, the front half of her body perched over Rainbow like a house cat, joining the seat that she and Applejack had taken. She idly stroked through the long chromatic mane in front of her. "They have some of the finest botanists and mages who have worked over hundreds of years to make this. Because it's legal over there, they really made it into a science. I'm not even sure if it should be called cannabis with how magically changed and enhanced it is." 

She smiled peacefully at Applejack. "Do you mind me trying it?"

"Well... you bought it so I think-Rainbow!"

"Tehe," Dash giggled, puffing on the stolen stick. "I haven't felt like not making a rude joke since... well... the last time I made myself so sore I couldn't move."

"Oh my!" Fluttershy gasped. "This has to be potent if it can keep you from making jokes, Dashie." She took hold of the vaporizer with a wing, smiling at the faint pout that Rainbow made.

"I'm glad that we all are enjoying this," Rarity said. "Do you all have any idea how panicked I've been about today?" She looked up at Twilight. "I mean... yes, I have completely and utterly lost at this point, Twilight, but hopefully things can only look up from here, no?"

Applejack snorted. "Knowin' us, Rarity, I doubt it."

"Don't you damn my optimism!" Rarity yelled at Applejack, her friends pressing their snouts into their necks at her voice. "Cannabis can only do so much for me. Don't let my rational side take over and make me cry. You don't want to hear me cry."

"Don't make her cry, Applejack," Twilight whimpered. "Please. She's right beside me, and I enjoy having my ear drums."

"I just wanted for you to find love, Twilight," Rarity sniffled, stroking through Twilight's mane. "Not that we all don't love you, but romantic love. Or a good shag. We all could use a good shagging at this point. I think Rainbow could give you a good one."

"My Pinkie Sense tells me if we weren't on this train this would've become an orgy in about an hour," Pinkie said, laying down on her stomach. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it could've or still could happen!"

Twilight smiled a strategists' smile. "How do you know it won't, Pinkie? Maybe that'll be my revenge on all of you for trying to control me today. Or, maybe I'll tie you all up and tease Rarity in front of you all, since it was her idea in the first place to do all of this. And then I'll make all of you beg for me to do it to you. Or maybe..."

Five pairs of brightly colored eyes turned into dots of fear. Twilight's friends were far too sober and more than capable of understanding the implications of her words.

Soon enough, Twilight herself registered what she had said, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle as a glowing blush burned across her cheeks. She squeed innocently, doing her best to deflect her own words. 

"Or maybe... we'll just party!" Her forehooves clopped together loudly as she chuckled, looking over her friends. "Heheh. I like partying!" Her magic pulled away the vaporizer from Fluttershy violently, deconstructing it to add more cannabis to the cylinder. "I... might want to get that side of me checked out."

Rainbow clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Yeah... I like being spanked and all, and while I'd totally be your sex slave in private, Twilight, I'm not really up for seeing all of us being chained up by you. Just saying."

"That information was absolutely necessary, wasn't it, Rainbow?" Rarity said blankly.

"Are ya gonna argue with her on the point?" Applejack said.

Rarity stared at the ground, shaking her snout.

Pinkie gasped loudly. "Wait a minute, Twilight; how could you predict you going insane and forcing us to be your sex slaves. You magnificent bas-"

"Pinkie," Twilight said flatly, "you were with me when I found the time traveling spell. And I was joking. I... think."

"Oh, buck! There's a time traveling spell out there, and you know it, Twilight?" Rainbow frantically looked at her friends, sweat pouring down her neck as she glanced around the cabin. "Okay, what happened in the bathrooms of the Colosseum was totally consensual, and they liked it. I was in heat, and had been flirting all night, and I didn't mind what they did, or the mess we made. Honest!"

"Rainbow Lightning Dash." Fluttershy leaned over to take the newly rebuilt vaporizer from Twilight, inserting it into Rainbow's muzzle. "I hate to say this, but you might be a nymphomaniac."

Pinkie tapped her forehooves together rapidly on the couch. "Yeah... Fluttershy is right. Now I'm a fan of parties, but if you go that far, you have a problem, Rainbow. And that's coming from me."

"I'm so glad I can't fully picture what she did right now," Applejack sighed happily, rolling over onto her back. "That is so nice."

Twilight stroked her chin, looking up at the ceiling. "That... explains so much about Rainbow Dash."

Fluttershy massaged Rainbow's side, listening to her rumble in content at the kneading of her toned frame. "Now, Rainbow, there are many ways we can help you with your sexual urges. The first step-"

"-is for me to say that I find it utterly arousing she's so charged, and that I will more than happily teach Rainbow some techniques to help her with her problems," Rarity said. 

Her friends stared at her, their eyes blinking rapidly at the unexpected response, questioning their own grip on the mortal coil.

Perhaps Fluttershy's marijuana had done more than just calm Pinkie down as much as one could sedate her. Perhaps they all had died, or that their personalities had really been switched due to the magically enchanted chemicals flowing through their brains.

Or Rarity simply repressed her sex drive and was finally letting herself loose. It was a pretty valid answer. 

She continued without regret. "You think with my sister and the bloody clients I have who need their pricks rearranged conveniently up the nearest timber wolf scrotum that I just titter it off and hop along with my day? Goodness no." Rarity barked out a sharp laugh, Twilight flinching at the ringing in her ears. "I ravage myself constantly to keep myself from deciding to tell ungrateful, pompous gits to sod off on their whorish mistresses they call 'companions'. Or flat out murder someone." 

Rarity shuffled in place, her mind replaying the words that had escaped from her muzzle over and over again inside of her head. She blinked for a few moments, the blinking given back in return by her friends.

"Well..." she said, "It seems this batch makes me... rather... 'loose' with my vocabulary and inner desires." She shrugged. "Well those thoughts have been repressed for far too long! It was time they got out of my head and were known."

"I think you all need to come to my house and have therapy with me," Fluttershy said. "What we should do, is that once a week I sit down with each of you, and-"

Rainbow's wings shot up from the sides of her body, Fluttershy squeaking as she was shoved over by the pomfing of Rainbow's powerful wings. "I think Rarity officially just jumped several points on the hotness scale, unless I'm the only pony here who just heard her friggin swear like a boss. Hay yes I will learn anything you teach me, and you can learn from me. And... uh... can you swear more, because I think my wings and hind legs kind of enjoyed that. A lot."

"Why thank you, Dashie dear." Rarity hummed softly, flicking her mane and tail. "If I am asked about it, you and I are very gifted with our tongues in more ways than one. We have the same bite, but of a different poison."

Twilight turned to stare into Rarity's eyes. "How high are you? First you want Rainbow and I to date and have sex, and now you want to share masturbation advice at the least and are flirting with her?" She shoved Rarity gently. "I'm the one here who is contemplating how we're still alive here. Don't make me question it even more than I already do!"

"I don't think you understand, Twilight," Rarity said, resting a forehoof over Twilight's neck. "How can you two have sex if I can't make sure her knowledge, skill, and past boasting is true?"

"I don't even care anymore," Twilight groaned, resting her muzzle on her seat. "Go tongue buck Rainbow for all I care. We were planning on having you two date each other anyways."

"You can't take a half joke," Rarity pouted.

Rainbow looked at Twilight and Rarity, tilting her muzzle to the side. "So... am I dating both of you? I'm kinda confused."

Applejack shivered, her leg muscles twitching as she pulled the vaporizer from Rainbow's muzzle. "I... I think Rarity just made swearin' an art. Dasha's a nympho, an' Rarity wants to teach her things, and we were plannin' on having ya two hook up, an' too much manure is happenin'." 

She panted frantically, her eyes bulging in panic as her friends eyed her curiously. "And oh hayseeds, I'm picturin' what Dash did 'n Cloudsdale now! Buckin' damn it! I... I think I'm havin' a panic attack. Oh to Tartarus with this and ya'll, 'cause I'm gettin' bucked up until I pass out. I can't take it anymore!"

Pinkie shook her head as a wide range of emotions shifted across her snout. She settled on perplexed. "So... you all think I'm the one here who can be insane in the membrane? Me? Me?" Her forehooves moved up in an attempt to make herself look even more confused. She gave up, dropping them beside her. "I'm done. We're all nuts, I'm just the only one who admits it. Oh, and Twilight, I know exactly how you feel right now, and I can tell you, I'm sorry we put you through this. I'm sorry I put you through this. I just like making you laugh."

"Thank you, Pinkie!" Twilight cheered. "Now you know why I binge eat! And it's not going to stop anytime soon."

"So ignoring the serene insanity around us," Rarity said, turning toward Twilight, "it seems I have not been the only one dancing with secrets, no?'"

"I knew something was up the first second you said something," Rainbow said. "I'm not stupid, Rares, and I've been in more relationships than pretty much all of you combined. I just didn't want to say anything to ruin Twilight's night. But... a lot of things happened."

"And I would be lying to say that I still think you and Twilight would make a fantastic couple, Rainbow. You balance each other out so well."

Twilight chuckled shyly, her eyes darting between Rarity and Rainbow. "And well... I'd be lying if Rainbow opening up to me at the library didn't... well... touch me."

Rarity cried out in delight. "So you do have feelings for each other! Wonderful! If-"

"We do slightly, but that's not important right now," Twilight said. "Our plan is for Applejack and I to go on a double date with you and Rainbow. We think you and Rainbow would balance each other out, and-"	

All that could be heard coming out from Rarity's muzzle was the faint, mute cry of stuttering hiccups. She sounded as if she were choking on her own soul. She was.

And Rainbow rightfully found it hilarious.	

"That right there," Rainbow squealed, pointing at Rarity. "That is the face I do want to see again! It's the face and sound I made when Applejack told me that was her plan, and Twilight thought it was good too. Gosh I must be cute sometimes."

"You are cute," Twilight said with a snide smile. "Whenever you get angry and push your muzzle into your neck? Record breaking."

"Here here!" Pinkie gaveled, tapping a forehoof onto the floor.

Fluttershy closed her eyes contently. "Oh yes. When we used to kiss in Flight School, Rainbow used to blush like Rarity is right now. Sometimes I would just fall over giggling seeing her all shy like that."

Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie giggled as Rarity and Rainbow looked at each other meekly, their cheeks glowing a flaming red.

"Fluttershy," Rainbow hissed between her teeth, her wings scratching at her chest, "why did you have to bring up Flight School in front of Rarity? Or everypony?" 

"W-w-well I find you... erm... 'cute' at times too, Rainbow." Rarity coughed quietly, adjusting Twilight's mane gently. "The way you sputter and fluster when you are cornered in an embarrassing moment is-"

Rarity eyed Applejack and the twitching red veins that pulsated in her eyes from each hit of the vaporizer that she took. With a loud groan she pulled away the cylinder from Applejack's grasp with a loud twank of magic. "Oh for Celestia's sake, Applejack, you are treating it like Braeburn's knob. Don't choke on it, mare, it's not going anywhere!"

The short silence that followed Rarity's vulgarities were followed by the waterfall of laughter that poured from her friends' muzzles. Rainbow fell onto the floor of the train, soon enough followed by Fluttershy and Pinkie's whinnying cackles as they landed on top of Rainbow, losing themselves to the profound confusion etched across Applejack's face.

The blush on Rarity's face grew as she looked at her friends. "W-w-well. I... I guess I have quite a tongue when I am a bit high, now don't I?" she chuckled.

"P-P-please!" Rainbow squeaked, clinging onto Pinkie as if she were a life preserver, "you have to stop swearing, Rarity. Or don't stop. You are stupidly funny on this stuff. I'm... I'm dying. Oh my gosh. Why haven't you ever shown this side of you?"

"Because I'm afraid of you all not approving of me being... well... looser with my tongue than what I wish to show myself being." Rarity bit her bottom lip, rolling her eyes with a dramatic sigh. "Oh fine, you cruel mares who I consider to be my sisters, you have broken me! Yes, Rainbow, I can be vulgar; and I will 'accept' this... 'ploy' of yours, Twilight, simply because I am high enough not to think clearly of the consequences. But only, Rainbow Dash, if you behave moderately better than you normally do. There's loose and-"

"Heh," Applejack chuckled, her bloodshot eyes flicking to life. "Dasha's... Dasha's jaw would be loose after Braeburn used her. That's really loose."

"And because I'm not Rainbow," Rarity smiled falsely, "I will accept that Applejack is very far gone and not-"

Rainbow slid forward, pressing her muzzle into Applejack's. "Oh my gosh, is he that big?"

"As I was saying, Rainbow, you-"

"Length wise he is," Applejack tittered, wrapping a forehoof around Rainbow's shoulder. "I caught him with two very distant cousins last year. Let's just say they weren't walkin' straight after that."

Rarity's voice became more dejected. "-or Applejack-"

"Mare please, you don't know how deep my throat is," Rainbow preened. "I'd try to give him a good run for his money in my plot, but I can't make any promises on that."

Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Twilight nodded together. "Nymphomaniac."

"I've heard he's gotta train of a load," Applejack giggled, falling face forward onto the floor. "Oh shoot, I'm more plastered than the Valentine's Day Massacre. I think I must have taken forty hits."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity sighed deeply, "perhaps you should choose Fluttershy-"

"Hey!" Pinkie growled. "A lot of chocolate was ruined that day, Applejack. Expensive chocolate from Zebraica, and Moorocco, and Baysium, and Germaney. The losses were in the millions! Don't spoil their memory."

Rarity exhaled, placing the vaporizer into her muzzle for a few hits of self reflection. She felt her own eyes slowly fill in with the chemical heat dancing on her tongue once again. "Twilight? May I ask you something now that you are done for the moment at toying with us?" 

Twilight stole the silver baton of either the Elements' salvation or damnation from Rarity, suckling onto the tip gently. She contemplated how some force of emotional purity still considered them as the bastion of Equestrias' salvation. 

Her purple eyes were lightly sprinkled with dull red lightning going across their edges. "Yes?" Twilight said. "If it involves me being happy about not even trying to beat you, and still beating you without trying, yes, that's the reason you all trust me to lead."

"Insignificant," Rarity hummed, zoning out the sexual bets of Applejack and Rainbow were exchanging with one another. "What if I told you that I plan on taking us to one of the largest, hippest clubs in Canterlot, and plan on us eating, drinking, and dancing the night away until all six of us can't think straight for the next few days is on the menu? I think it sounds wonderful myself."

Fluttershy hovered over Rarity and Twilight, wrapping a forehoof around both of them. "Then I'd say, yay! I think all of us could use that. Although I'm not sure Applejack will be dancing anytime soon."

Applejack had decided to pin down Rainbow onto the train floor, her heavier body pressed into Rainbow's as her tongue idly decided to stab itself inside of Rainbow's muzzle. Pinkie cheered wildly as Applejack suckled messily onto the saliva gurgling churns that Rainbow's vocal chords gave her in return.

Rainbow was doing a stellar job at not shoving Applejack off of her, and of slurping and drooling saliva back into Applejack's muzzle.

"Maybe... she smoked too much." Fluttershy chuckled.

"Do you think we should stop them?" Twilight said, looking at Rarity.

Rarity waved a forehoof at Twilight. "Just let our dates get it out of their systems. We have enough to worry about, and it also allows us to study what they are capable of. A bit barbaric for my tastes, but Rainbow can be tamed with the right hoof I believe. Hopefully."