Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen

by KiltedKey

Epic... Epilogue? Part Three: Goodbye Reality

It took more then an hour and a half for everything to return to normal after the Elements of Harmonys' last fight; as normal as hungover, sex depleted, drug deprived, emotionally unstable, and morally bankrupt heroines could be. It had been over a day and a half since their controversial adventure had begun, and perhaps at last it would finally begin to wind down. There was only so much their mortal bodies could take in such a short amount of time.

Then again, they had battled gods and demons orders of magnitude more powerful than themselves, and so their bodies had a damn good track record of surviving the impossible, even when they wish they didn't.

With pub fries, mini pizzas, gallons of water, onion rings, a dozen salads, and another dozen desserts of all shapes and sizes inside of their stomachs, they looked... happy. Binge eating tended to make one happy.

And then immediately regret it later. It was the new running mantra for everything that they did.

Thankfully, they all held jobs that they didn't get fired from easily, and they all happened to have been exceptional in their fields of expertise. Fate loved to support it's chosen children. It didn't help that they were all easy on the eyes, and had very enjoyable views from behind.

Despite their better judgement - which considering their recent circumstances had needed to adjust its perception of itself - they returned to Fluttershy's and Twilight's room, making sure to crank up the air purifier to a moderately high setting. The smell of Magic in the air was one they had all had enough of for one week. Instead, the smell of consumed food was a good enough aroma mixed in with a bit of purified oxygen. It was the only purified chemical left in the room, and it too was forced into their lungs, never to be clean again.

Twilight and Fluttershy had claimed the main bed once more, with the additional company of Applejack receiving the right to lay by them, due to her outstanding character in the recent two days' drama. It wasn't saying much.

Twilight rested on her side with a quill and a real pad of paper beside her, as she often tended to do. Her posture was like everypony else's in the room: That of physical and mental fatigue. The recent roller coaster of events had begun to blur together to them all, and it was a very lovely ride to be on. They were running on the fumes of whatever food they could cram down their stomachs.

Applejack leaned on her, back to back, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to rectify her perceived abandonment of Twilight the night before. Her mane half sprawled over Twilight's frame as a make shift blond blanket. Considering that Applejack had supermodel enviable blond hair when it was clean, it was a damn fine blanket.

Fluttershy had curled herself up into a butter colored ball at the end of the bed, quietly giggling to the equally giggling Pinkie Pie, despite Pinkie looking half pregnant with all of the food inside of her.

The two 'love birds' of the room, if Twilight wished to get a hoot out of seeing their reactions, had once again reclaimed their sofa bed. It was impossible to miss the little signs that were pointing to how Rainbow and Rarity had made a connection the day before that had stuck, even if they denied it. It was the very faint ways in which Rarity's hoof tip pressed its edge on the curvature of Rainbow's neck as they both laid on their sides. Or the way that Rainbow's tail rested over Rarity's exposed hind legs. It was those little things that two friends baring family members resting together would not do.

It made a part of Twilight's soul die at how cute they were. Even her darker side whimpered. It was not immune to cuteness, as much as it wished it was. She was a secret romantic, and it pleased her so.

It also confirmed that the three years in Ponyville and all of the hidden therapy sessions she went to managing her Aspergers had slowly paid off. She loved spiting the doctors who told her parents she wouldn't make it far, or wouldn't make it outside of Canterlot.

Oh how wrong they were.

And how most of them had lost their jobs after she fought Sombra was a satisfaction she would never tire of. It was a request to Celestia that was more than earned.

"Before we begin," Twilight chimed, "we have two things we need to talk about, now that we have eaten, and might be a little bit more sane. The first: Did you all know it's already three thirty? Do we plan on doing anything tonight? Or... catching a train home?"

The other Elements of Harmony glanced at each other silently, pondering the proposition given to them. It seemed like the right and sensible thing to do.

They shook their heads.

"Good!" Twilight smiled. "An unanimous vote on not doing anything and throwing the consequences of our laziness until tomorrow. I am sure you are proud of this, Rainbow Dash."

"It's worked for me all the time," Rainbow said, scratching at her chest fur. "And come on, I think we plan on taking a nap after this meeting anyways." She yawned loudly, snapping her jaws together. "I've eaten too friggin much, and not exercised enough, but... I'm too lazy to fix that right now."

"I agree on the laziness," Applejack said. "I don't feel like doin' anything, and that's not somethin' I say a lot. A good day or two of sleepin' sounds mighty fine right now."

"So what's the second thing you wanna talk about?" Rainbow said.

Twilight closed her eyes contently. "I had three incredible, long, powerful, wet orgasms in the shower with Fluttershy; and I feel really, really good right now. If you are wondering why I sound a bit weird, it's because Fluttershy's tongue made mine a bit sore. Sex is as absolutely amazing as you all said it was. I didn't even know I had that much vaginal fluid inside of me! If I didn't respect Fluttershy's privacy I would tell you all about it, and what future studies I plan on doing. For advice, of course."

Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow, and Pinkie groaned at the images in their heads. Their groaning was countered by the glare of Twilight's eyes radiating purple magic.

"I had to listen to you four this morning, so the least I can do is say that I enjoyed my first sexual experience. I'm much calmer than I was before, but deal with me talking about it for a minute. Deal, with, it."

"And no complaining about it," Fluttershy growled. "Be lucky you..." She exhaled softly. "Be lucky we love you all so very, very much."

"Which we do." Twilight nodded gently at Fluttershy. "As much as they drive us crazy."

"They helped us get out more and be less awkward." Fluttershy smiled. "We owe them a lot for that."

With her friends folding their ears in acceptance, Twilight hummed softly, flicking her tail up and down in silent victory. She was happy to let her tail show her triumph and quiet revenge for all of the suffering her friends had put her through. She simply basked in the victory of seeing them submissive to her words and actions, knowing that she was in the right. She felt like a general enjoying the sight of seeing their enemies placated at their hooves.

A content little wiggle of her rump escaped her conscious control. She felt extremely gay at the moment; to the point she feared she would gain a lisp if she became too excited for her own good. It wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world, as she had a very adorable voice, and could have pulled off the ultra feminine filly look if she tried well enough. Her giggle was a sound of legends.

Life, if only fleeting, was very bucking good for Twilight Shimmering Sparkle.

"Time for part two of the Pussy Parley," Twilight tittered, letting her innocent side come out. She instantly noticed how all of her friends - even Fluttershy - were put off by the glee in her voice. They were clearly both deeply concerned she was going to snap again, or wondering if her former kindness had returned. She didn't know herself. All she knew was that she had the sudden urge to be in a Neighpanese infomercial. Maybe her own adorkableness was getting to her.

She made a mental note to learn the language in the near future. It could come in use.

"So how about we start with you two, Miss Dash and 'Gemma'," Twilight giggled. She caught the poisonous glance that Fluttershy gave her, now aware that Twilight was encroaching on her cuteness. She glanced back with only a wink. By the way Fluttershy's wings twitched, she was not amused by Twilight stepping into her nest.

Rainbow's right wing extended over Rarity's frame, only confirming Twilight's thoughts by Dash's Pegasi' physical protectiveness kicking in. It didn't stop the hiccup of shock that escaped Rainbow's muzzle at the question directed at her. Nor did it stop the slowly growing blushes that traced themselves over Rarity and Rainbow's muzzles.

Twilight continued to play the evil overlord. "So," she grinned, "Fluttershy and Pinkie said you were pretty much dancing like maniacs last night and brought the club down. I, want, details. Lots of them. Applejack and I deserve to hear them, since we won our bet."

"Twilight, you aren't cool enough to say somepony brought the club 'down'," Rainbow said. "I'm just gonna say that, as the coolest mare in here."

"I could make you go 'down' on me right now, Rainbow." Twilight loved the feeling of her lips curling in delight at the sudden explosion of emotions on Rainbow's muzzle. "I'm not sure it would feel good for either of us, but it would be a good show of your submissive side to everypony here."

"Nice critical hit on Rainbow's ego." Pinkie clopped her forehooves together. "Excellent, Twilight. Excellent."

"Pinkie!" Rainbow dug her hind legs into her mattress, her cheeks burning brightly at the unwanted attention directed at her.

"Rainbow gives wonderful cunnilingus," Fluttershy rumbled. "You'll be very happy if you two decide to do that, Rarity."

Rainbow whimpered. "F-F-Fluttershy! Stop. Don't get into this!"

Rarity idly filed her forehoof. "Oh no, please continue, sweeties. I don't mind her sharing 'intimate' details if I get to see her squirming this much. Although I have only glimpsed at her softer side, I am enjoying what I am seeing. Her fluffy coat just hides what is underneath her muscles, no?"

"I am really startin' to enjoy this smackenfruiter thing." Applejack let the evil grin across her muzzle stay there. She was immune to the rage that swirled in Rainbow's eyes. "I shouldn't, but Eisenhower's erection I am. For all the jokes Rainbow makes about us, it's the least we can shoot back at her."

"I..." She was beat on all sides. All five of Rainbow's closest friends were teaming up on her for revenge against everything she had said and done in the last two days.

She wasn't meant for this. She was supposed to project an aura of female dominance, coolness, and confidence. And here she was, being pushed into a corner, and yet her fighting instinct had decided to go on a vacation instead of helping her out. She could feel bits of sweat collect underneath her skin at the peer pressure; and yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not strum up her assertive side.

Rainbow hated her parents for giving her a fluffy coat that contradicted everything else that she strived to be. She wasn't a secret pansy on the inside. She just had gentler days.

The logic satisfied her for the moment.

"Damn it," she mumbled, "fine! Jeez. You win!" She looked at Twilight sheepishly. "Rarity and I had... like... the best dance off in the history of the universe last night. We just channeled everything that happened yesterday into our hooves and it just... went off. I don't really have the vocabulary to describe it though, even if I tried. I'm not that kind of mare."

"I, however, can remedy that," Rarity said. "After all of the stress that I went through, and all of that planning that went to Tartarus in a hay basket, by the time Rainbow and I got into our little hissy fit last night I needed a way to vent. The dancing was that way to vent."

Pinkie nodded, dragging herself across the floor beside Fluttershy. "And all of that fighting made me and Fluttershy make out a lot and need to vent too. But then Fluttershy passed out by the time we got to our room, so we couldn't do anything."

Fluttershy glared at Pinkie sharply.

"It's not your fault you can't drink as much as me." Pinkie threw up her forehooves. "I'm not blaming you!"

"You kinda are," Rainbow chuckled. "I'm just saying. It's not something you do often, but you kinda are."

Rarity prodded her forehoof into Rainbow's neck. "Now dear, don't be too hasty about it and read into things that aren't there."

Pinkie grumbled quietly to herself, folding her arms across her chest. She perked up quickly, her eyes glowing as she looked over her friends. "But at least everything went better than expected! We all got laid, even though we almost killed each other."

"Is... that sayin' much?" Applejack said, raising her eyebrow. "Cause I don't think that's sayin' very much myself. I was expecting the apocalypse by about half way through the night as y'all got worse. And this mornin'? I don't even wanna talk about it."

"And yet we have survived the anarchy and are still here," Rarity said. "And the whole ordeal has shown me a few things about us."

She rested her lightly curled tail on top of Rainbow's own, smiling sweetly at her. Her smile grew at the blush that graced across Rainbow's muzzle.

"I think Twilight and Applejack may have been right. Maybe I need a pony who can tell me when I am diving into the drama abyss and help me let myself loose in more manageable ways. And maybe Rainbow Dash needs a pony who can give her a bit of order in her life."

"If it's sex then isn't Rainbow amazing!?" Pinkie tittered. "That'll totally make you less of a bi-"

Fluttershy shoved her forehoof into Pinkie's muzzle. "Go ahead, Rarity, even if what Pinkie says is true."

Rarity stared blankly at Fluttershy. "Am I really that bad?"

Fluttershy looked away meekly, covering her muzzle with a wing. "I... umm... really love you, Rarity, and while you are nice to me a lot, you can be that too. You can get very pretentious and self-righteous sometimes."

Twilight chuckled nervously, twirling her quill. "What... Fluttershy said."

"Eeeyup." Applejack nodded. "Not as bad as Dasha, but-"

"But most importantly," Rarity said loudly, "Dash needs a pony who has the commitment to help her love herself, even when her friends tell her how much of a bitch she is. She seems to constantly doubt herself, most likely from the mixed messages her 'friends' send to her."

She nickered dismissively, wrapping her forearm around Rainbow's shoulder. "I officially now know how you feel, Rainbow, and it is horrendous."

"I know right?" Rainbow groaned. "Don't you wanna tell them to blow it out their asses sometimes? They don't get that we show them love differently. We mean the best, you know? We're just misunderstood."

"There, there, dear." Rarity stroked her hoof through Rainbow's mane, rubbing her cheek into Rainbow's own. "They simply don't understand us, no matter how hard we try. We are under-appreciated for what sacrifices we have made for them."

"Like all of the money we could have made by leaving Ponyville." Rainbow rubbed her snout gently into Rarity's neck. "You and I would be loaded."

"Exactly," Rarity hummed. "We'd be so famous if we didn't stay here. And all of the time we'd have back if we didn't help them. I could have learned how to play tennis. Or badminton. Or piano."

"And I... uhh... I already have a lot of free time, so I'd just slack off more." Rainbow shrugged. "Sorry, I got nothing that time."

Rarity poked Rainbow's nose, giggling to herself as Rainbow squished her muzzle into her own neck. "You'd be more independently awesome without having to worry about them. I must tell you: Worrying about them has kept me up at night sometimes."

Rainbow nodded. "And the only way you can relax is to clop off since you're always paranoid you aren't doing enough to make them happy; or that they really don't like you but won't say it."

"Exactly!" Rarity hugged Rainbow tightly, ignoring the gurgling chokes of Rainbow's attempts to breathe. "Sometimes it is the only way I can deal with the stressors of wondering about my fillyfriends. I-"

"Are ya two done hammin' up the stage?"

Rarity and Rainbow looked at their four friends staring at them angrily.

Applejack folded her forehooves across her chest. "Are ya two done brownnosin' each other and lookin' down at us like we're rock farmers?"

"Yeah," Pinkie grunted. "We're not-hey!" Pinkie growled at Applejack. "I take offense to that!"

Twilight shook her snout. "I never thought they would go together like this, but maybe having them reinforce their own egos would make them work well as a couple too. Or maybe make me legitimately consider punching both of them, which could be a pleasure all by itself."

Applejack rested her forehoof across Twilight's back. "Ain't violence fun?"

"We're not a couple," Rainbow said. "I'm... I'm not sure what we are."

She glanced quietly at Rarity, concerned she would be scolded for her word choice. The smile and faint nod that Rarity gave her made her smile in return.

"We're much closer friends for sure," she continued. "We put a lot of ourselves out there dancing, and well... I think we liked what we saw. We're not sisters from a different mother like you and me, AJ, but... we'll just wing it and see what happens."

Fluttershy lifted up her muzzle from her forehooves, closing her eyes contently. "And that's the best thing you can do, Dashie. Just see what happens, and don't regret anything. We're still the best of friends despite not being together after Flight School, and you and Pinkie are still friends too."

Twilight smiled at Fluttershy. She could feel it. She could feel her old self returning by the lovely peace that was beginning to rebuild itself after their day long escapade. It was wiggling down her neck. It was causing her withers to clench in delight.

Or it could have been Fate pinching a feel for Twilight's purple pudgy plot.

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Twilight said. "I'm not sure what Fluttershy and I will become, if it was a one time fling, or what Applejack and I will be either, but come what may, we'll still be the best of friends!"

"I'm sure it won't be as interesting as Rarity and Rainbow though," Fluttershy giggled.

"'Interesting?'" Pinkie bounced excitedly. "They'll be the greatest soap opera ever!"

Rarity and Rainbow were not amused by Pinkie's words. Their scowls united as one, crunching their snouts together in disapproval.

"Lovely bit of confidence you have for us, Pinkie." Rarity's eyes were small slits of glowing dark blue as she bored into Pinkie's own. "I'll make sure to return the favor for whatever endeavor you set yourself on."

"Yeah," Rainbow snorted, blowing out a jet of air from her nose. "Thanks, Pinks. Way to be a puffy plothole there. Even I'd not make that joke."

"Oh that is so not true," Applejack chuckled. "That-"

"Shut up, Applejack," Rarity and Rainbow said in unison.

"We've abused you a lot today, Applejack," Twilight said. "I feel sorry for you."

"Thank you for your everlastin' support," Applejack deadpanned. "Ya have always been here for me, Twi'."

Twilight faintly glared at Applejack. "Sarcasm is not appreciated, Applejack."

"No, no, no." Pinkie jumped onto Rarity's and Rainbow's bed, pressing herself between them. "You don't get it. I mean with the hot bodies, and the sex, and the making out, and the business mergers. The good stuff." She stroked her chin. "Although Rarity would make a good murderer, and Rainbow could always be the abusive boyfriend that threatens people who gets in her way."

"So how did it feel with Applejack's hoof up your rear, Pinkie?" Rainbow said.

Twilight frowned at Rainbow's retort. It was a shock that it was such a mild emotion compared to everything else that had happened throughout the day. Maybe she was becoming mildly reasonable. Hopefully.

"Now you didn't have to say it like that, Rainbow," Twilight said. "We-"

"It felt great!" Pinkie squeed, throwing her hooves into the air. "It makes me happy and my rumphole hurt just thinking about it. Man, Dashie, she's talented-"

Applejack used her years of rodeo practice to propel herself into Pinkie Pie, passing on her family's tradition of physically assaulting a pony who knew too much about their sex lives. Her mass multiplied by her steel bending hips launched her at Pinkie, sending both of them slamming to the ground with a loud thud.

"It was-" Applejack's words were interrupted by the thunderous belch that escaped from Pinkie's snout at the air in her stomach being released. Applejack quickly placed her rump on top of Pinkie to silence any further sounds. "It was a lovely time. Really! Fine. Really fine."

"You could have totally killed Pinkie with that tackle," Rainbow said, leaning over her couch. "Or Rarity. Or Pinkie now, since you weigh more than the Haylin Wall did. I'm just saying, you may need to be more honest with your lesbianism."

Rarity looked between Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack, slowly blinking in shock. "Well that escalated quickly. I must agree with Rainbow in that you need to have a through discussion with yourself, Applejack, and accept that you enjoyed your time with Pinkie."

"So, Fluttershy," Applejack laughed, sweat dripping down her cheek, "how-"

"I had a really great time with Twilight this morning," Fluttershy said, "and I will not hold any grudges if you and Twilight decide to get together. I'm not really sure if I am looking for a relationship right now, even if Twilight would be really high on that list. And you all might need me if you decide to start dating each other."

She smiled gently at Twilight, receiving a soft giggle in return. "But this isn't about me, since you've decided to take center stage." She winked playfully at Rarity.

"You aren't dodging this one, Applejack," Rarity gleamed, swishing her tail excitedly. "Come now, dear. Did you really enjoy yourself? And what is the status of your... 'relationship'? Things have become quite different recently. Do tell what is going on."

Applejack bit her bottom lip, but it only added to the dark pleasure that her friends were getting at seeing her squirm. The grins across their muzzles made her feel like she had just farted in the middle of a town meeting.


"Big words, Applejack," Twilight giggled. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow joined in on the giggling. They were the best of friends.


"You know they are only gonna make it worse for you if you don't tell us," Rainbow snorted. "You're kinda cute like this."


Applejack knew that she was stronger than Pinkie Pie in every way physically.

Except for one.

And that happened to have been Pinkie rescuing her oxygen supply by dragging her tongue straight up Applejack's crotch.

"Stalin's shitty sphincter, it was amazing, and she can molest me whenever she wants!"

Applejack flew into the air as if she had wings, landing on top of Fluttershy's and Twilight's bed with a shivering whimper rolling out of her mouth. She held onto Fluttershy's and Twilight's tails tightly, stroking them for any reassurance of her mortality.

"She was amazing. Ya... ya don't know what it's like till ya feel her tongue inside of ya. It's... it's..."

"Did... Applejack just break physics?" Rainbow said. "I mean... Pinkie and I do that all the time, but... wow. And Pinkie's tongue is pretty-"

"And that's enough of the thought and sight of Pinkie's tongue anywhere," Rarity said, filing her hoof once more. It was a good distraction from her mind having to process even slightly seeing what Pinkie's tongue did.

Pinkie sat up as if nothing had happened, which tended to be a common thing she did when something socially unacceptable happened either around her or directly because of her. She licked her lips slowly, pulling her tongue into her mouth with a loud snap. "Mmm. Applejack. Tasty."

Twilight pulled her tail from Applejack's hooves. "So... is that a yes that you two are dating?"

"No," Applejack gulped, "but I think I might have to go to her twice a month just let myself loose. She has... talents."

"Would you like to hear about what Rainbow's wings can do to your body instead of what I don't want to hear about Pinkie's tongue?" Rarity said.

Twilight's ears perked up as she turned toward Rarity. "Ohh." Twilight squeed, digging her hooves into her mattress. "Now this is something I want to hear! Sex advice from the sex experts. Go on..."

Pinkie sat beside Fluttershy, stroking down her back. "We have taught Twilight well in our ways of the squee, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy giggled. "Rainbow's is pretty adorable too."

"Because we never really finished that subject." Rarity put down her hoof filer, smiling calmly at Twilight. "And I have to tell you that-"

Rainbow covered Rarity's muzzle with her hoof, the blush across her snout nearly matching the pink of Pinkie's fur. "What the hay are you doing!? They forgot about that!"

Rarity shoved Rainbow's hoof away from her face. "Changing the topic," Rarity hissed. "Not only do we owe Twilight, but the last thing I want to think about is what you and your ex-"

"-ex ex ex. Tesla, and Thunderlane bolted too early-"

Pinkie giggled. "Oh the irony!"

"-whatever," Rarity said, "did to Applejack. So I'd rather share something more civilized."

"Hey!" Pinkie glared at Rarity. "I'm just a fondling filly who has a talent for plot parties. You can't keep my Pink Puffy Pie still!"

The room was silent after Pinkie spoke.

Rainbow's lip twitched. "Don't laugh at Pinkie's awful sentence. Don't laugh at Pinkie's awful sentence."

She failed at controlling her impulse, which wasn't a shock, considering she laughed at pretty much everything.

She fell off of her couch, tears dripping down her cheeks as she pounded her hooves onto the floor.

The other Elements of Harmony attempted to control themselves as well, repressing the gurgling giggles that built up in their throats. They too, failed, bursting out into a torrent of laughter and disregarding any sort of restraint at such a simple vulgar wordplay making them smile.

Perhaps they would be able to return home the next morning to continue on with their lives normally after all, fondly remembering the series of unfortunate events that had led them to where they were currently. They would forgive each other for showing off the other sides of their personalities that had been hidden away due to years of stress, and grow together as friends, accept their faults, their bouts of immaturity, and realize that maybe, just maybe, they were simply normal young mares who had been given extraordinary responsibilities.

It was not to be. Fate was that much of a schmuck.

By the time they had settled down their random burst of euphoria into tired coos of delight, a long piece of paper had been slid under their door. It was a thick and dense piece of papyrus that curled in on itself innocently, waiting to be picked up.

"And here comes the bill that is certainly about to give me a minor stroke," Rarity sighed loudly, her horn lighting up to pick up the scroll. "But alas, we deal with what we must in life."

"Has anypony here wondered why security hasn't thrown us out yet?" Rainbow said. "I mean... we almost killed each other and everything. You'd think the shouting would have done that a couple of hours ago."

"I think Equestria knows by now to just let us solve ourselves," Applejack chuckled, sprawling over the bed. "We're kinda known as a six headed wreakin' ball, and making us look bad ain't a great way to make the princesses like ya."

"Royal favor at its finest," Twilight thrummed. "I'm not a fan of political corruption and manipulation, but when it comes to us, I'm a bit more relaxed about it."

Rarity unfolded the bill, her hoof swooping over Twilight. "Mares and Gentlecolts: The exceptional morality of Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight sat up proudly, coiling her tail around her side. "I am a firm believer, like Applejack, in that protecting one's herd is the most important objective in life, and I consider you all to be a part of my herd."

"I thought it was friendship?" Fluttershy said. "Isn't that what we're about?"

Rainbow burst into the air. "No, I got it! Science! Twilight is all about science and logic as the best things ever."

"Please do not make me question my statement's order of precedence with my other core values," Twilight said calmly.

Pinkie threw her forehoof into the air sharply. "So let's support our Supreme Lead-"

"I'm not letting you pay for all of that," Rainbow said, swooping down to pull the bill from Rarity's magic. It was also a good distraction for Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity to mind rape Pinkie for her slip of the tongue with their eyes.

Pinkie quivered in fear. And lust.

"You, of all ponies, are offering to pay the bill?" Rarity said, blinking up at Rainbow. "I thought we called last night-"

"-and this morning-"

"-and this morning-"

"-and the shower-"

"-and the shower even?" Rarity pulled the bill away from Rainbow's grip. "Things did go overboard and who knows what kind of damages I must pay, but a promise is a promise, and I am going to keep it. Just don't expect any discounts with anything I make any time soon."

Twilight tugged gently onto the note with her own magic, half wanting to see the charges, and half wanting to troll with Rarity's grip. The expected stare from Rarity amused Twilight in both innocent and not innocent ways. "Rainbow is right. Everything got way out of hoof, and if we can help, then we will."

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy whimpered, "but I've spent most of mine recently on animal rescue missions in Zebrica. It makes me feel better knowing I make drugs for a good cause."

"And I'm a baker," Pinkie said. "Money? I spend it all on parties to make ponies laugh. And coke of course!"

Her friends turned to look at her not with concern, but in sudden understanding.

"I was joking. Sheesh. I am a drug."

"An' as awful as it sounds, I don't exactly have several thousand bits layin' around outside of emergencies," Applejack said. "I give a lot of it to my kin who need to be helped out."

"Or you just suck at managing your money," Rainbow cackled. "Seriously, make your barn out of steel like everypony else in the world does. It'll-"

"So that leaves Rainbow Dash and me then," Twilight said. She ignored how Applejack had pulled Rainbow onto her bed and pinned her down, yanking on her mane with her teeth. "While being a librarian doesn't exactly bring in much of an income, I can always blackmail Celestia by saying I need the money to help expand a section of the library."

Fluttershy extended her wing over Twilight's back. "I don't think you can ever say we do things that are morally bad ever again, Twilight."

"Indeed." Rarity raised her eyebrow, glancing at the wrestling match that Applejack and Rainbow had decided to randomly get into. She just let them be themselves. "I fear I am more worried about you being exceedingly calm than I am seeing you maniacal, Twilight. Maybe you have taken your lessons on relaxing too much to heart."

"It's just an incredible dopamine high and drain," Twilight said, her magic tugging the bill toward her. "Maybe I'm so clearheaded I'm not clearheaded at all right now. But I feel great! And Celestia has personal assets worth over one billion bits anyways."

"No," Rainbow growled. She swooped in to pull the paper from Twilight's magical grip, her magenta eyes staring down at her friends. "I've got this. I've caused most of this, and it'll make me feel good that I've helped pay for something for once."

Pinkie gasped loudly. "Rainbow has... a heart! Well okay, she always did, but I told you all she can be nice sometimes."

"She's never nice to me," Applejack growled. "How about ya pay for my barn then, ya-"

Pinkie landed on top of Applejack's back, kneading her forehooves into her spine. "Relax, Jackie. You're like the farmer version of Twilight. You have to deal with us because... uhh... we... love... you?"

Twilight rubbed her horn faintly. "Oww. Give me a bit of a warning before you pull something away from me, Rainbow?"

Dash stuck out her tongue playfully. "As long as it's under six grand, I should be good. I spent the rest on my new sound system, guitar amps, and the new flat screen downstairs."

"Hold on, Rainbow. Where did you get that kind of money? I know you don't have a mortgage because your father helped build your house, but being a lead weathermare for Ponyville doesn't pay anywhere near what it would in Canterlot. Unless you are somehow a fiscal conservative and I didn't know it."

"I'm actually a libratarian-socialist-"

Twilight propelled herself into Rainbow, tackling her mid-air onto the ground with the widest grin that anypony had ever seen on Twilight's snout. "Really!?"

She squeed so loudly the other Elements of Harmony winced at the sound cutting through their ears. "You and I need to discuss-"

"-where Rainbow Dash got several thousand bits that she is throwing about willy nilly," Rarity stated. "And stop being adorable, Twilight! It... it physically hurts me."

Applejack and Pinkie giggled like schoolgirls as they looked at Rarity.

Rarity stared back at them. "What's so funny?"

"W-willy nilly?" Applejack chortled. "Are ya Granny Smith now, Rarity?"

"Piss off, Applejack. Is that better?"

"J-j-just writing stuff for sports magazines!" Rainbow chuckled nervously. "I'm nationally known for speed ya know? A-and I got sponsors 'n stuff. So they pay me a crap ton for it."

"So ya get paid to sit down and just talk about yourself?" Applejack grunted. "Ya have the easiest damn life, mare."

"I'm sure they pay you some," Fluttershy said, "but you've told me you don't want to compete and get sponsors until you get into the Wonderbolts, because you want to be 'doubly famous'. I'm... I'm not sure that's a thing, Rainbow."

"But can't we talk about politics?" Twilight whimpered. "That's more interesting than Rainbow's private and public air shows."

Pinkie snorted. "Heh. Dash does private 'shows'. Rarity will like that!"

"Ohh..." Rarity stroked her chin, slowly licking her lips. "Now that is an idea I should have thought of hours ago. Thank you, Pinkie."

"What the hay, Rarity." Applejack prodded Rarity's side to shake her from her daydream. "Ya poke fun of Twilight for gettin' all political an' now ya're thinkin' about fashion?"

"There is always a time for fashion compared to politics," Rarity huffed. "Always. No exceptions."

Pinkie shivered loudly. "Eww... even fashion has a rule thirty four? What is wrong with ponies?"

"And I didn't do 'those' kind of shows to ponies!" Rainbow stumbled on her words, the blush across her muzzle growing with every passing second. "I-I-I-was with my dad! Yeah! Like Twilight said. I wanted to do some renovations to my house, but I lied, and will totally pay him back later for it."

"Tell us the damn truth, Rainbow." Applejack towered over her, her muzzle pressed into Rainbow's own. "Get it out now. Cause if ya did somethin' stupid, the sooner we can fix it, the sooner I can beat you up afterwards and realize I’m just beating a dead horse just to beat one.”

"That sentence was awful grammatically, Applejack," Rarity said. "Horrendous."

"I think Applejack's mad because Rainbow doesn't like her barn," Fluttershy said.

"I posed for Playcolt!” Rainbow cried. "There! Are you happy?"

"Holy buck!" Pinkie gasped, "I really am psychic. But I already knew that too. So I'm..." Her ears folded meekly. "I'm confused."

“You did what!?” Rarity screamed. Her voice physically knocked back the other Elements as the veins on her head twitched rapidly. “You posed for Playcolt? Why?! How? How did you get in? When? What were you thinking?”

Rainbow curled her forehooves toward her chest as she laid on her back on the floor, mentally attempting to project an image that she was showing far more courage than she really was. "I-I-I was thinking about the ten grand they paid me,” Rainbow said.

Fluttershy blinked rapidly. "I'd pose for Playcolt for ten thousand bits. That's a lot of money."

"Fluttershy!" Rarity howled.

"Twenty?" Fluttershy cried, hiding behind Pinkie.

Applejack whistled. "Well shit, I'd do it for five, a great lunch 'n dinner, four whiskeys, and a threesome with the two best lookin' colts there. If they are filmin' it we'll talk about commissions. Every extra colt is four hundred a head 'n another percent. Mares are six fifty 'n two percent."

"Applejack?" Rarity gawked. "How could you be so... base!?"

"It's called a golden business opportunity." Applejack nodded her head sagely. "And a buck ton of fun. Or... a white opportunity when I think on it. If ya got connections, Dasha, put'em here."

"What Applejack said!" Pinkie squeed. "She's a good business pony sometimes."

"Now that sounds like our next party." Twilight laughed, falling on top of Applejack. "I am up for that, now that I know how incredible sex is. And with a whole bunch of studs? Who can turn down us?"

"And now Twilight is involved in this?" Rarity screeched, her voice cracking. "What is... I... I don't..."

Applejack bit her bottom lip. "Erm... I just meant myself, and Princess Celestia would kill ya if she saw ya covered in white, Twilight."

"Damn it, Applejack." Twilight's frame sagged as she stared at the floor. "Now you just ruined my mood."

Rainbow flared her nostrils at Rarity. She could win this. She now had the support of her four other friends. “And come on, posing for them is easy. 'Hey, go to that rock. Now lift yourself up. Dunk your head underwater. Move your tail to the side. Cross your legs. Show and rub your teats. Fly a bit harder. Perk up your butt. Grind against that cloud. Rub yourself until you squirt.”

With a furious crackle of energy, Rarity pulled Rainbow up with her magic, hovering her in the air and more than purposely exposing her bit maker to the other four Elements in the room.

Rarity's lips quivered as she studied Rainbow, her snout twitching around the corners in minor seizures that had to have been aging her face. “Rub yourself?" she said quietly. "Just like that? What will your fans think? The young ones?"

“That... I... helped them get in 'harmony' with their crotches when they grow up?"

Rainbow blinked down at canine like snarls that Rarity gave her. She growled back, showing her teeth to match the scowl on Rarity's muzzle. "It was bound to happen to them anyways, and why the buck can't I decide what to do with my own body, huh? And come on, half of ponies who see me use me as masturbation material anyways."

Twilight had lost the happiness inside of her, no longer being able to look forward to her first porno shoot. She had been so excited for it, looking forward to it like she would to a new novel. It only reinforced her urges to learn perfect Neighponese and start doing filming overseas.

She was now depressed.

"So, I was wondering: Why are we considered the heroes of Equestria again?" Twilight sighed deeply. "And do we have any more food?"

"Because being a hero doesn't mean you have to be perfect, Twilight." Fluttershy laid down beside her, nuzzling herself contently into Twilight's neck. "It just means you have to go to scary places, encounter monsters and gods, and win."

Rainbow didn't bother attempting to break away from Rarity's magical grip. She wanted to keep Rarity alive by not killing her from flapping her wings too hard to magically shear off Rarity's horn from the whiplash. And perhaps prove a point.

"Why don't you try keeping yourself in check with money, good music, and hot stallions 'n mares around you egging you on, Rarity? And how did I get in? Uhh, hello? One of two living ponies with a rainbow colored mane? Incredible body? Sonic Rainboom? And like... two months ago.”

"I... I don't even know what to say to you!" Rarity spat, forcing Rainbow to close her left eye.

Applejack had a moment of clarity. One of the few she would ever have in her entire life. Her emerald eyes turned into pinpricks from the sheer power of it.

“Wait a second. Weren’t you in the Wonderbolt’s camp by then?”

Rainbow blinked as much as her one good eye let her, her mind slowly unraveling Applejack's words.

She had made a good point. Applejack tended to make good points.

“Ahh well," Rainbow shrugged, much like she did with everything in life that she did wrong. "It's not like it’ll hurt my chances of getting in.”

“What do you mean it won’t hurt you, Rainbow?” Rarity growled. “You could get kicked out for that!”

“Okay, first off, put me down. Because I’m too tired to be used as a sex magic toy. You wore me out, and are that amazing," Rainbow said.

“That helps you only slightly,” Rarity rumbled.

"I swear they can brown nose out of each other's anger," Applejack chuckled.

"Shut up, Applejack," Rarity and Rainbow said together.

"Aren't they adorable?" Fluttershy giggled. "It's not what couples love together that keeps a relationship strong, but what they hate together."

"I'm going to need to find a very hateful person then," Twilight said between her teeth.

“Second,” Dash continued, “I’m a special pony because I’m amazingly awesome at flying. And... you know... stupidly important hero to Equestria. They can't work without me in a decade."

"Even when she's about to die, Rainbow Dash can always find a way to make herself look like the greatest thing since sliced bread." Applejack shook her muzzle. "I should get angry at that, but I have to respect it at how persistent she is."

"I dunno." Pinkie stroked her chin. "I think electricity is a lot more important than slicing bread. It makes baking a lot easier."

"Shut up, Pinkie," Twilight groaned.

Rainbow wiggled faintly in Rarity's magical grip. "Third: Really? You ever spent five minutes in a military base? Sex, porn, alcohol, fart jokes, food, working out, swearing, and coffee are what keeps it ticking.” She looked down in contemplation. "Actually, Spitfire did do a cover like a couple of months ago."

"She's the commander!" Rarity cried. "She can do what she damn well wants to."

"I mean, I am scared crapless of her," Rainbow pondered, ignoring Rarity, "and she is kinda a bitch, but maybe we can do a cover together? I did clop to her before I met her."

Rarity's eyebrows twitched. She had given up even attempting to follow the mindset and thought patterns of Rainbow. Or even why she had sex with her in the first place for the tenth time that day.


"I am absolutely getting that issue if Rainbow and Spitfire are together." Pinkie growled lustfully. "It sounds saucy.”

"I do not need anymore commentary from you," Rarity spat at Pinkie.

"And I don't need any shit in my eyes from any of you!"

Pinkie screamed at the top of her lungs, standing on her hind legs above Rarity. Rainbow had been let go from Rarity's magical grip, and had decided that hiding behind her was the safest solution she could find.

Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight huddled together, clinging to each other for dear life, quivering as they caught the corners of the burning red that roared in Pinkie's eyes.

“This is getting really freakin’ old guys," Pinkie said. "Really, freaking, old. Anywhere, but the eyes. Always, the eyes. Spit in my eye, drip in my eye, hair in my eye, and wing in my eye. If anything is going in my eyes, there better be a lot of it, and it better be flavored. Because the next time something goes in my eye, something of mine's going in yours. My, hoof!”

With a surprisingly light sigh, Pinkie Pie landed back on all four hooves, looking as if she had taken the longest and most peaceful bath in her life. "So just let Dashie pay the damn bill," she said in a sickeningly affectionate tone, "and we're not gonna fight over it anymore. Whew. I'm doing that once a day. A rage attack a day keeps the therapist away!" she tittered.

Twilight poked her head up courageously, her magic thrumming to life to gently pull the damages in bits toward her. "Let's just... uhh... read the bill. And how about we all take some sleeping aids and go to sleep? I think we need them."

"Good plan!" Dash blurted, her pitch cracking at the sudden high note. "You're the best leader, Twi'."

"Marvelous!" Rarity added. "I do have a wonderful mattress available to me, including you, Dashie dear." She hugged Rainbow tightly. Anything she could do to keep Pinkie's wrath at bay.

"I know where we can the best sedatives in Canterlot." Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together.

"I'm considerin' drinkin' again," Applejack mumbled.

"Shut up, Applejack," Twilight hissed. "Do you want to die?"

"Sorta," Applejack said. "Ya'll have killed parts of me for the last two days anyways."

Twilight's anger melted as she wrapped her arm around Applejack's shoulder. "You and I, Applejack, have a lot in common."

"I like turtles," Pinkie nickered gaily. "I don't know how that's important to you guys trying to calm me down, but it's true."

Rainbow Dash eyed Pinkie Pie curiously. "I like turtles more."

Fluttershy perked up her ear. "Umm... Tank is a tortoise."

"Shut up!" Pinkie and Rainbow said as one.

Fluttershy tackled both of them, digging her hooves into Pinkie's and Rainbow's coats, pinning them to the floor. "Don't you tell me to shut up, you-"

"All of you shut up, because it's a ransom note!"

The Elements shuffled themselves toward Twilight, pushing themselves together to read it in unison.

Twilight's eyes blasted down the page quickly, ending with a barking cackle escaping from her throat. "And a really bad and long one too," she said.

She fully unfolded the long scroll with a flick of her magic. "I mean, really?" Twilight laughed. "'Dear Elements of Harmony, I know what you did last night?'"

"I'm pretty sure half of the Undercity knows by now," Rainbow chuckled, hovering above Twilight. "Rarity and I brought the house down. I mean-"

Rainbow stopped mid sentence, her eyes scanning the quivering grip, stuttering exhales, and shaking, shivering muzzle that was attached to Twilight's body. "Twilight? Twilight, are you alright?"

Fluttershy landed behind Twilight, massaging her back and shoulders. "Twilight. Relax. Whatever they said, don't let it scare you. Applejack and Rainbow Dash can always send them to the emergency room if it's that bad."

Twilight struggled to simply hold the scroll with her magic, working only on instinct. All her body could do was lift up a forehoof and point to the signature.

The long list of orders, demands, suggestions, and thoughts on the scroll were not important. Only the beginning. And end.

Dear Elements of Harmony.

I know what you did last night.

- Princess Celestia

The Elements of Harmony had fought, danced, sung, loved, cried, and laughed as one. For the first time, though certainly not the last, they swore, as one.

"We are fucked."