Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were lucky that their parents knew they were camping out that Sunday night, and that for some reason, despite how much destruction they had caused in their short lives, were trusted enough to sleep together.
How everyone was wrong with giving them that right.
It was nearly noon by the time Spike had decided that waking up would be a relatively decent activity. Relatively decent being the key phrase. His head felt like a flashbang had just been thrown an inch from his muzzle, and all he could taste was the color of agony.
As stupidly cool as it was to ponder the universe and his incredible ability to be sexy - and make Rarity wet herself at night at the sheer thought of him posing at her door - all he could think about right now was squeezing the supple, soft, warm flesh that was in his claws. While he more than enough remembered the incredible planning he did last night - or so he thought he did - that clarity of complete, undeniable badflankness had retreated into the corners of his mind once more. Only Rainbow Dash was currently allowed to suckle on that nectar. It ticked him off to no end.
At least he had the squishy flesh in his hands.
That powerful and yet sweet coat melting in his grip would take away the misty blindness that clouded his brain. It would make the stomach pain from eating too much junk food go away for just one moment. It would make him not feel like pinning down Rarity, lifting up her twirling and sunset shimmering purple tail, and show her that once you ride a dragon, you'll want no other wagon. That wonderful fur that was pulled apart in his claws was a moderately decent substitute for his one and only love, or the warmness of his sister's kindness, the swag of Rainbow, and dare he admit it, the comfort of a book.
It might also get rid of the part of him he didn't want exposed between his legs, exposed to an underage group of preteens. He'd play with himself later.
At least he had his peace, or as much peace as he could have baring giving Rarity a layer of dragon salt.
The incredibly loud and vile hellfire of flatulence that resulted from his squeezing of Apple Bloom's sides too many times broke that foggy fantasy. It was also a decontamination chamber for all four occupants in the fort.
Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders shot up from their slumbers, screaming in confused horror.
Where were they? Who were they? What happened last night? Why did their groins hurt? Why did they feel like puking? Why did they smell like crotch? Where did the night and morning go? Who was Carmen Sandiego?
"I need a bush!" Apple Bloom yelled, unable to detect the irony of the statement.
"I need to puke!" Spike gagged.
"I need to pee!" Sweetie Belle whined.
"I need to wash my mouth off!" Scootaloo heaved.
They screamed together once more, running out of the fort in childish panic to purge their bodies of the ills that plagued them. If only for a few minutes. It was quite hard to push out that much food and illicit chemicals from a body so quickly.
They would give it a damn good try.
"And that's... well... what a penis really is, and what vaginas really are," Spike said. He barked out a sudden laugh. "I can't believe I just talked about this with you three. Well... too late now."
After twenty minutes of composing themselves through bodily purging, and another twenty minutes of Spike giving an excellent example of why he was no longer a baby Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were as normal as they could be wasted off of the THC overload they received last night. They were all contemplating sobbing at the otherworldly experiences going through their heads.
At least three of them were fluffy. Fluffy was nice. It kept the gnomes away. That was important.
Spike sat on his back, chewing on some wild berries as he looked at the three snuggling foals. Or should he even call them foals anymore?
He would. Their maturity level was far from being adult like.
Then again, his sister and her friends could be awfully immature for mares who had just hit their early twenties.
Scootaloo was curled up into a nearly perfect ball of burgundy fur and moderate purple hair, resting her muzzle on her own tail as her friends half laid on top of her. Sweetie Belle rested on her side, hanging her forehooves over Scootaloo's frame while her snout rested on Scootaloo's frank. Apple Bloom had decided to rest her tail on top of Scootaloo’s and curl around her, laying her muzzle on Scootaloo's upper back. They all needed the bodily support of one another in a manner different than what they had done last night.
“So… that’s why ponies can like and play with each other, even if they’re mares or colts?” Sweetie Belle scratched her horn idly, wincing at the sudden stimulation. “Oww… my horn. Somepony tell me to stop poking at it.”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t put two and two together,” Spike continued, “but I thought of it just as a way ponies and animals to have kids. Not… for pleasure.” He let out a shy chuckle, unable to hide the blush that was creeping its way across his cheeks. “As for ponies dating their own gender, I just... I don't know! I guess I never thought of it that way. I just thought of it as love, I guess. It wasn’t until yesterday that I caught Fluttershy and Rarity kissing that-”
He blinked several times at his slip of the tongue. “Uhh... opps.”
"Man, everypony is kissing everypony these days," Scootaloo snorted.
“My sister was kissing Fluttershy?” Sweetie Belle gasped, “that makes so much sense that they are marefriends! They go to the spa together, and gossip, and are with each other all the time. It-”
“They aren’t dating,” Spike said, waving a hand at the statement. “They just… got a bit excited from something. I don’t know... 'what', exactly, but when I came in on them to say the four of us were having a sleepover, there they were. Just... on the floor. Kissing. I had to break them up from a fight they got into afterwards, and they realized it just wasn’t going to work like that.”
Scootaloo shook her head. “Man, do ponies go that nuts just to get laid? I thought what we did last night was extreme. I don’t even want to think about what they’ve done and haven’t told us about. I mean... it was fun and all, but you’d think they would've grown up or something. They're adults, not kids. Sheesh.” She blinked rapidly at the words settling in the air. "I... can't believe I just said that."
“I mean... really?" Apple Bloom said, "we’re just curious ‘n all, and we didn't quite get those books until you explained it, Spike, but gee willikers, if our sisters go crazy like that, who are they to tell us we went too far?” Apple Bloom blew out a small huff of air from the end of her nose. “I’m sure they've done somethin’ weird ‘n crazy too. If not a billion, zillion times! And they call us ‘immature’. Just a bunch of bigots if ya ask me.”
“Let’s not think about what our sisters did last night,” Sweetie Belle moaned tiredly, rubbing her nose into Scootaloo’s leg. “Or what we did. I don’t think I say this much, but I think that was an experiment we aren't trying again. I’m not even sure if I’m seeing colors or smells. It was amazing, but... not worth what my head feels like.”
“If you put your nose a hoof lower, Sweetie Belle, I don’t know what I’m going to do to you,” Scootaloo rumbled, glaring at Sweetie Belle. “All I remember is you put your horn there in the middle of the night when we all woke up, and it feels like gravity is hating me down there right now.”
Apple Bloom’s cheeks quickly turned red. “A-a-about that... Maybe we should keep this a secret. A real secret. A Pinkie Pie Promise Cutie Mark Death Pact secret. Not the knowin’ about sex part, cause that’s a bargainin’ chip we can use, but that… uhh…”
Sweetie Belle crossed a forehoof over her chest. "You don't have to say that twice, Apple Bloom. Death Pact of Baal sealed."
"Sealed," Scootaloo swore, crossing her own chest.
Spike smirked. “Four of them already know."
The Crusaders shot up onto their legs, quivering in fear at the realization they were required to support weight they weren’t keen on supporting.
And their sisters and their friends knowing about their most personal of secrets. That was bad too.
“My sister’s gonna put me in a chain gang!” Apple Bloom cried. “And she’ll make me sing baritone labor songs. I can’t sing baritone.”
“Rarity will make me watch marathons of Flip This House until I’m a real estate agent,” Sweetie Belle whimpered. “Do you have any idea how boring it is to listen about kitchens for hours? And that’s coming from a future cook!”
“And Rainbow will-” Scootaloo paused, her quaking hooves standing firm as she pondered, looking at the ground in reflection. “Will… I have no idea what she’ll do. Most likely she’ll just explain everything again and tell me to be safe, that I’m really young, and that if I have any questions I should come to her. She tends to be pretty chill in extreme moments like that.”
“That doesn’t help us!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom said.
“Well it helps me,” Scootaloo countered, sticking out her tongue.
“I mean,” Spike chuckled, “that they thought you would have sex. Rarity and Fluttershy told me to stop you and get the anatomy books, but you already took them. Twilight and Dash gave me what I threw in here to knock you all out. Well… us, since it worked on me too. I think I’ll make a note not to use that again.”
Sweetie Belle stepped forward, staring into Spike's eyes. “Speaking of that: What was that? Now we’re all tipsy, and it made us see things that exist but we didn't know about, like underpants gnomes.”
“What’s underpants?” Scootaloo asked, scratching the back of her head with a wing. “M-m-maybe I don’t wanna know, since that just makes my crotch itch more. Oww.”
Apple Bloom scratched her bow. “And what’s a gnome? Ohh! Remember that thing with the beard tellin’ us to go to Brayzil, and we could get an airship flight for a really good price? Now I remember. That’s a gnome.”
All three of the Crusaders nodded in agreement.
Spike dragged his talons across his skull to numb the throbbing in his head. “It’s something used to knock ponies out if they are being really wild; I just used too much of it, and oh man, I think the only reason I’m not seeing Rarity everywhere is because I’m a dragon, so naturally I’m pretty much immune to everything.”
“Spike,” Sweetie Belle began, resting a forehoof on his chest, “we get it. You have a crush on my sister. Everypony knows that you do. Even we know. We knew years ago.”
Spike's snout turned crimson. “N-n-no I-”
“You wanna tie her up on a fence ‘n play fiddle with her foal maker,” Apple Bloom grinned, taking a step forward toward Spike.
He sat up, clawing at the fort floor in panic. “Where did you-”
“You wanna find creative uses for premium Pegasus ice on her!” Scootaloo cackled, stalking toward Spike.
“You want to put her in a corset and have her dance on stage like a can-can girl!” Sweetie Belle tittered.
The Crusaders had surrounded Spike, pincering him in at all sides. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, sweat pouring down his scales as his eyes darted to everything around him, anything to take his attention away from them.
The pressure was too much for him.
“Fine!” Spike spat, staring down Sweetie Belle. “I want to have sex with your sister, Sweetie Belle. You have a problem with that!?”
Sweetie Belle's ears withered under the assault. “I d-don’t want to think about it,” she said.
Spike inhaled and exhaled from the depths of his stomach, smoke swirling in the air above him. “Look,” he said flatly, “you three are nice and all, and are really fun to hang around, but I was sent here to stop you, and because I wanted to get out of the library. I didn’t think I’d be dragged into this, and you all had fun while I just got the food. Not that… the food was bad or anything.”
He closed his eyes. The last thing he needed to do was murder three foals at his recently awoken loins demanding Rarity's mouth on him at all times. “So here’s the deal: Sure, we all learned a lot yesterday, but it’s going to bite our butts in the future. Let’s just chill, and we’ll pretend you all didn’t… do anything illegal. We’ll all be friends, and-”
“S-s-sex can’t be illegal,” Scootaloo said. “Because-”
“Do I look like a lawyer to you?” Spike said. “Rainbow and Twilight said what you three did was illegal, and I’m not going to argue with Twilight about the law.”
Scootaloo scoffed at the ground. “Don’t have to be a friggin prick about it, Spike. Sheesh.”
“I’m the only one here who didn’t get laid,” Spike huffed, “and it’s not like I’d do it with you three.”
“Hey!” the Crusaders said together.
"You're just jealous because I've got a horn and it didn't go inside you!" Sweetie Belle snapped. "Yeah, take that, Spike."
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow at Sweetie Belle. "Umm... he doesn't have what we got. And you can't cast spells yet anyways."
"But he's got a butthole!" Scootaloo's wings buzzed excitedly. "I've heard Rainbow talk about it when I stalk her. You can totally put things up there. I haven't tried it, cause... uhh... reasons. I'm scared, okay?"
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom gagged. "Gross."
"Is not gross!" Scootaloo growled quietly.
"Poop comes from there," Apple Bloom said.
"Ever since sexual diseases were cured by Sterile Santorum in 345 A.D, that shouldn't be a problem." Spike smirked, crossing his arms across his chest. "More so with modern pony hygiene."
All three of the Crusaders blinked their eyes in unison, processing the information that was given to them. "What are you, an encyclopedia?"
Spike shrugged his shoulders. "I am Twilight's younger brother, and you three still can't play with each other. It's illegal, remember?"
Scootaloo's wings flickered rapidly in anger as she pressed her nose into Spike’s. “You ate our food and knocked us out without even asking,” she growled. “That has to be illegal. Food stealing, and… and... assault!”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom said.
“I’m not going to argue with you,” he growled, “because if I do my head is going to hurt even more, and the last thing I want to do is have to explain to Applejack and Rarity why you all are well done ponies because I set you on fire by mistake.”
The Crusaders rubbed their muzzles at the mention of head pain, letting out a collective whimper not meant for mortal ears. It was too cute.
Thankfully, Spike was borderline immortal, so he was borderline immune to the cuteness.
He sighed loudly. "Look, you three are going to go home, we’re not going to bring this up again, and I’ll explain to Applejack that you’re just really tired after all that fun, Apple Bloom.”
Apple Bloom mumbled vulgarities she had heard from Applejack. Applejack would've been proud. Secretly. “Fine. But I have a feelin’ yer're plannin’ somethin’ and I don’t like it. We can blackmail you too, you know.”
“He has to be planning something.” Scootaloo huffed at Spike. “If he was petting me like I’m his cat last night he was totally trying to soften me up."
"And it worked," Apple Bloom giggled.
"Shut up, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo grumbled. She shuffled in place, her friends looking at her as she wiggled nervously. A large blush formed across her muzzle. "Not that I… want you to stop doing that, Spike.”
“You are so weird, Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle said, shaking her muzzle. “And that’s coming from me.”
Spike smiled quietly as his talons reached out to scratch through Scootaloo's mane and neck, chuckling to himself as she nuzzled into his hand.
"I... I don't even know what's goin' on anymore," Apple Bloom sighed loudly. "We're as messed up as our sisters and their friends."
Spike grinned evilly.
There was an advantage to being two years older than the Crusaders and the younger brother of a genius strategist. Twilight’s lectures on classical military tactics were interesting to him. Oh so interesting. What was wrong with manipulating the Cutie Mark Crusaders for his own gain? He just had to think about how he would abuse it.
She would be secretly proud of him.
“Just a future favor, when I think of it,” he said. “Beside's, Twilight and Rainbow gave me permission to eat your food. You know, revenge stealing, since you stole her books."
Scootaloo clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Wow. Even Twilight's kinda mean."
"We did steal Pinkie's candy," Sweetie Belle said, scoffing at the floor. "And... umm... blackmailed her first."
Apple Bloom bit her bottom lip. "I... forgot about that. And ya can't sell opened candy."
"Fine," Scootaloo sighed, "we're mean too."
Spike wrapped his arms around the Cutie Mark Crusaders, pulling them into a gentle hug. "So how about we try to forget about last night, and try to focus on today? Because the less I think about yesterday, the better. But before we plan our cover up I think I need about fifteen minutes behind a tree a mile from here.”
“What for?” Sweetie Belle asked, tilting her snout to the side. “Scratching post?”
“That’s Cataloo’s job,” Apple Bloom giggled.
Scootaloo hissed at Apple Bloom. “You’re the one who exploded from your butthole, Applebelch.”
“What does that have to do with cats?” Sweetie Belle blinked.
Spike was about to ponder how even the potent cannabis of Fluttershy’s highest grade weed couldn’t keep the Crusaders down for long - and what Rarity humping thoughts would occupy him a mile away from the fort - before he felt the rumbling of an incoming letter in his gut.
He wasn't looking forward to this. It cut into his masturbation time.
He quickly opened the scroll, his eyes scanning over the words, until he felt the very core of his soul holler in despair.
His life, was now ruined.
"Spike?" Apple Bloom asked softly. "Are... are you okay? You're legs are shakin', and you look... pale."
Quickly he reread the message a second time. A third. A fourth.
His lips quivered, then pouted, and then, Spike screamed.
He didn't scream his classical shout of death defying no.
He screamed a four letter word that wasn't the ponyfied, although still moderately firm curse. He screamed it in its all powerful, all unedited glory. At the very top of his lungs.