• Member Since 21st May, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Samey90


I have no heart and my avatar makes everything sound sexual. Also, It's pronounced "sam-ee".

T

The Shadowbolts, tired of getting ruthlessly killed off whenever they play Dungeons and Dragons, decide to make Twilight their new DM. For Twilight, the game soon turns into a struggle to maintain her sanity amongst half-orcs, barbarians, vertically challenged necromancers, and seductive bards. The line between success and a total party kill gets thinner with every dice roll...
Updated on Tuesdays.
TVTropes Page
Preread by hawthornbunny, Solly, and Cinder Vel.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 116 )

“Stop it!” Indigo shouted, yanking the axe out and turning to face another attacker. “I have no fire resistance!”

Everyone in the party of my current campaign has some fire resistance. Thankfully, no one's proposed Operation: Smoke 'Em Out. Yet.

while Rarity needed garlic, a wooden stake, and the assistance of her sister to deal with anything more complicated than her phone.

I honestly find that quite hard to believe. You can't tell me Rarity isn't managing at least four different social media empires. Though it probably does help when Sweetie Belle interfaces with the system directly.

I just realised I forgot to name my pony.

"Would it be weird if I named her Sunset Shimmer?"
:twilightoops: "Extremely."

“I’m not sure that’s biologically possible…” Twilight shook her head.

Twilight, dragons can produce viable offspring with plants, oozes, and possibly elementals, depending on how you interpret "living, corporeal creature." Biology is very rarely a concern in this game.

I can be whatever I want. I’m chaotic evil,

Uh, Twilight? Not going to express any concerns there?

“Gmork can light things on fire in more ways than ya think are possible.”

'Is that a threat or an offer?"
"Yes."

“Okay.” Twilight smirked. “Seduce the bartender.”
“Can I just do a charisma check?” Lemon asked.
“No, go on.”

Speaking as a DM, there is a delightful bit of schadenfreude in getting people to actually roleplay their more absurd ideas. And I do love how Twilight does have a fair amount of the same Crystal Prep insanity as her former classmates.

This looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. Looking forward to seeing where you go with it.

Haven't read it yet, but A+ for the nostalgia in the chapter 1 title. Lawl.

A new Samey fic? Praise Megan! :D

And this is exactly as funny and as well-written as I've come to expect. top kudos, dude. :D Oh, Twilight. What have you gotten yourself into?! :twilightoops:

This is great, i have to say i love how chaotic and crazy this is (kind of reminds me of another story i had read), i also love how Twilight seems to be rolling with it instead of being overly serious and/or freaking out at the other Shadowbolts actions (i see that a little too often in mlp/dnd crossovers), this was a nice breath of fresh air.
I also liked the explanation of why they needed Twi to be the DM, as i can totally see Sugarcoat being a killer DM and Lemon Zest making things go too erotic.

My favorite so far however has to be Sour Sweet/Sour Elf, just for how violent her elf gets at the drop of a hat.

Oh and sorry if me putting a link her, i just thought it would be easier to do it now instead of getting asked for what the story was by other people latter on.

Edit: Wait why is their a Juniper Montage tag on this?. . .

“Calm down, Sugartits,” Indigo said. “Also, you’re supposedly chaotic evil. What’s wrong about tieflings?”

cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/642167995120091136/699093555137871972/image0.jpg

“Here we go,” Sour Sweet muttered.

“Well, actually your elf ranger is fine,” Twilight replied. “Lemon, however…”

“What? Again!?” Lemon exclaimed. “It’s enough I get this from Sugarcoat at the start of every campaign, but you too?”

“No wonder,” Twilight said, looking into her notes. “We agreed not to use any homebrew spells and yet your bard somehow knows Fire Tornado.”

Okay, first chapter in and I really am liking this. Hopefully, Lemon will get the chance to name her pony.

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This seems to be the motto of my EqG stories.

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Even more so if Sugarcoat is the DM :pinkiehappy:

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Operation: Smoke 'Em Out.

I guess someone eventually will...

Also, I think Rarity can manage social media just fine, but when the computer goes blue screen of death, Sweetie Belle has to put it back into shape (probably by talking it out of it).

"Would it be weird if I named her Sunset Shimmer?"

The pony is actually named Lyra Heartstrings

Uh, Twilight? Not going to express any concerns there?

She knows that there's no way to stop Sugarcoat once she goes full evil :pinkiecrazy:

Speaking as a DM, there is a delightful bit of schadenfreude in getting people to actually roleplay their more absurd ideas.

Oh yeah, that's always the funniest part :twilightsmile:

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Oh yeah (also, is it really 22 years since Baldur's Gate came out?)

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She'll soon learn why Sugarcoat prefers to kill everyone off early...

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Juniper will soon appear as Twi's assistant and chronically-killed NPC. Also, Sour Elf is best elf.

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Except of Sugarcoat, she's a murder-and-recycle hobo.

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Well, who wouldn't?

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Fact: splitting the party in general is a terrible idea. Especially if the DM/GM is murder happy.

And what edition is this story based on? I do have a .pdf of the White box/0e.

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Oh yeah (also, is it really 22 years since Baldur's Gate came out?)

'98, I believe, yeah. My junior year of college. I can still faintly remember sitting at my desk playing it with the roommates and looking out the 5th floor window in the dorm. Edit: "Squeaky wheel gets the kick!" Thinking about it, I could legit pull off a Minsc cosplay.

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huh. Well if it’s what ya got it’s what ya got.

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My junior year of college

Huh, and I was like, 8...

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Ah that makes sense, thanks for the heads up. :twilightsmile:

Also, Sour Elf is best elf.

Agreed

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Biology's even less of a concern when you bring The Nymphology book into play. There's a spell that allows for Medium creatures to get it on with creatures the size of pixies.

Biology ain't shit.

Welp, this is the best true to DnD I have ever read. It reminds of so many of my sessions, where I get dragged into messes I don want to be in.

Dan

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The dumbing-down of the tabletop rules in 3rd Edition onwards might arguably be an improvement, but what they're doing to Baldur's Gate 3 is unforgivable. Give us back our THAC0 and our trollops and plug-tails!

As someone who plays in two OBWN games, is there a story for the VtM game they were playing? As a D&D player I love this story.

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is there a story for the VtM game they were playing?

Unfortunately, there's no such story (though it'd involve enough lesbians to consider writing it).

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Huh, that's awesome (Sunny's model is probably not to scale).

And this is why a necromancer can be really useful.

She jumped from the yardarm, landing on some pirate’s head. This time, the spell worked; the pirate’s skin started to rot and he screamed, trying to shake her off.

“Doing well?” Indigo asked, cutting another pirate with her sword. “Six! How are you doing, Sour?”

“Seventeen!” Sour exclaimed, stabbing a pirate with a dagger. “Eighteen!”

“What?” Indigo yelled. “You lucky, motherfucking weasel!” She dodged a pirate and hit him in the crotch with her sword, causing him to scream and fall down. “Busted, lol.”

So Indigo and Sour are doing killing contests like Gimli and Legolas? I can get behind that

I enjoy this very much!
Also, if I get a picture of the characters, I would be willing to make a comic(s) of this story.

You must gather your party before venturing forth.

I hear the Baldur's Gate narrator in my head (low-fidelity sound and all) when you do that. Thanks, I can't even tell if I hate it.

By the by, it's "a eunuch" (not "an"), for the same reason one writes "a unicorn" (it starts with the hard y-sound). Except for artistic license and characters speaking improperly, that is.

Another great chapter, perfect balance of action, comedy, and snark.

Your pun is bad and you should feel good.

Well in the end at least the sailors got to kill a halfling/hobbit and our hero's? got the ship they wanted, though i find it interesting that we didn't hear Sour Sweet's reaction after Lemon "healed" her. Anyways other then Sugarcoat almost getting hanged it seems things are going pretty smoothly so far, but i have a feeling that will change pretty soon, i mean you can only go so far with a group like this before things start to get derailed.
I am surprised you didn't go with the borderlands reference when it came to naming Lemons pony.

Heh. Skeleton Crew, eh? I see what you did there.

Great stuff :)

“But ma heid’s mince, ye know…”

Change the "know" to "ken" and this would be so perfectly Scottish.

Also, when all you have is necromancy, every problem starts looking like someone who needs to stop breathing.”

Hard to argue with that.

“Can you spare a moment to talk about our lord and saviour Tharizdun?”

Cue flashbacks to the Gord the Rogue books.

however

It didn’t phase them at all, though

faze

Dan

Onan was killed for disobeying god, but of course Catholic traditions latched more onto the spilling seed aspect of it. Gotta protect the tiny homunculus babies so they can be safely planted and begin to grow.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure horse saliva can wait,” Twilight said, looking into her notes.

"Actually," said Lemon, "while we're on the topic, Lyra's been trying to get up the courage to ask you about a 'portal'? You founding Aperture Science, Sparky?"
"No comment."

“For an elf, you have an interesting vocabulary.”

This is D&D we're talking about. There's definitely a pirate elf variant race buried in some nautical supplement. They're like Darwin's finches when it comes to specialization.

So... Sugarcoat rolled the dice to see if she was getting drunk? Where's the Mountain Dew?

Also, a cleric turned me into a newt once.

Wait, what domain gives clerics baleful polymorph? :rainbowhuh:

The pony known as Lyra Heartstrings followed her with a loud whinny, kicking the nearby enemies.

I was wondering about the pony in all of this.

Everyone looked at Gmork, who was still on the deck of the merchant ship, carrying a backpack full of things that couldn’t possibly fit in it and yet somehow they did, including several gunpowder barrels.

Ah yes, the traditional battle cry of the packrat adventurer: "I have a belt pouch."

Cure (adjective) wounds is a touch spell. No one said how you had to touch someone to cast it... though this method may interfere with the verbal components.

And yeah, I was wondering if the staggering lack of Profession (sailor) would come up. Of course, where there's a will (and plentiful onyx,) there's a way. Though there's still the matter of navigating...

10437051
("Every Sperm is Sacred" plays in background.)

10436173
Of course, why waste a perfectly good corpse.

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Well, who wouldn't.

10436272
I don't think I can draw that well, but Sour Elf looks kinda like in the full pic on my blog (though with pointy ears and generally more elvish), Indigo's character is basically Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian (though with the same hair colour as Indigo), Lemon's character has her colour scheme but is taller, with horns (like every tiefling) and, as you can guess, wears a somewhat stripperific outfit. Sugarcoat's face is covered by her hood more often than not, but when it's not, her halfling looks deceptively not evil (his real name is Jolly Sackville-Baggins).

10436624
Well, things are going to go pear-shaped pretty soon...

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One could say Sugarcoat became a pungeon master...

10436792
Thanks for the suggestions :pinkiehappy:

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Well, I guess the latter part is easier to remember :rainbowlaugh:

10437149

"Actually," said Lemon, "while we're on the topic, Lyra's been trying to get up the courage to ask you about a 'portal'? You founding Aperture Science, Sparky?"
"No comment."

"And before you ask, Sunset won't tell her anything either..."

There's definitely a pirate elf variant race buried in some nautical supplement.

They probably grow trees to naturally become ship-shaped or something like this. Speaking of nautical games, I recall reading about a 7th Sea campaign where the large part of the story actually took place on land (that is, until the players started to suspect the GM was too lazy to learn the rules of sea battles).

Wait, what domain gives clerics baleful polymorph?

It's probably a silly place.

I was wondering about the pony in all of this.

Well, Lemon occasionally forgets about the pony (or most of her equipment, for that matter).

"I have a belt pouch."

And I'm not afraid to use it!

Also, speaking of healing, back in the high school I knew a girl who'd cure other female players by what derpibooru calls "asymmetrical docking" (it was usually asymmetrical because she had quite large assets, so to speak.

("Every Sperm is Sacred" plays in background.)

I should start a Monty Python references counter...

10437479
Heh. By the way, since you like D&D, you might like this I came up with a while back: https://www.deviantart.com/regreme/journal/The-ideas-that-wouldn-t-let-me-go-808128721

I don't think I can draw that well, but Sour Elf looks kinda like in the full pic on my blog (though with pointy ears and generally more elvish), [What full picture??? I only see the rainbow in glasses so I don't know what you mean.] Indigo's character is basically Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian (though with the same hair colour as Indigo), [Fascinating! However, I am imagining a barbarian in a leather jacket. Need more detail] Lemon's character has her colour scheme but is taller, with horns (like every tiefling) and, as you can guess, wears a somewhat stripperific [I did not expect that, but okay. Any special patterns on body/face? Such seems to be a common thing for tieflings to have as Birthmarks] outfit. Sugarcoat's face is covered by her hood more often than not, but when it's not, her halfling looks deceptively not evil (his real name is Jolly Sackville-Baggins). { am simply imagining a hobbit with a cloak]

10437492
I mean the full cover - I cropped it because it was too wide for a coverart:
camo.fimfiction.net/Rt7uk10DHsFgnxK-UTF8cw0RyZgJ_PpvxPFkXG2Kta4?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn.discordapp.com%2Fattachments%2F361571374210220034%2F752998657040842863%2FDungeons_and_Dimwits.png
Also, leather jacket for Indigo may work (actually, in the books Conan didn't just run in a loincloth all the time; I recall him in full plate during battles). As for Lemon's markings, she probably has some, but I didn't think that deep about it.
10437485

Swarm: Disconnected pieces of bones moving as one living swarm of bones, typically with some visible core amongst the pieces.

I imagined something like The Invincible but organic.

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The newt thing is a reference to Monty Python.

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I'm aware, but thanks for the consideration.

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Btw, I forgot: Gmork is as ugly as you can imagine an orc/gnome hybrid.

Dan

Deliberate Monkey Island reference?

Dan

Pirates of the Caribbean aside, the undead piloting a ship is a pretty old trope.

Never show someone your fanfiction on a first date.

Words to live by.

“I’m not myself when I’m hungry.”
“Well, maybe then you’d finally be your character,” Sugarcoat said.

That is a quality Sugarburn.

Lactose Intolerance... kind of works for a band name. It may be better to save for the third album. You know, the one that doesn't stick the landing, making everyone wonder if the band was just a lightly longer-lived flash in the pan, but then fourth one drops and it's their best work yet.

Sandalwood as Juniper Montage's cousin... I can't tell if that makes sense or not. Shipping him with Sugarcoat truly boggles the mind.

“I mean, who in this town didn’t turn into a demon?”

A legitimate question at this point.

Ah, we're going by the "the skeletons can use the nautical skills they had in life" approach. That works.

“They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!”

Obligatory:

Shadows that violate how the actual lighting should work is Evil Omens 101.

"Sugarcoat—”
“I did nothing wrong,” Sugarcoat said.

"Force of habit."
"No 'sorry'?"
"I figure you owe me another few dozen."

I must say, I'm intrigued by this take on human Moondancer.

I might be a barbarian, but I’m not helping Gargamel to catch Smurfs! One has to have rules!

Even chaotic evil has standards.

“There are no words in Quenya or Sindarin to express what I feel about you,” Sour spat.

That just feels like an oversight on Tolkien's part.

This story has made me tremendously grateful that my party is nowhere near this self-sabotaging. Let's just hope Twilight wakes up in her own bed tomorrow.

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Sandalwood as Juniper Montage's cousin... I can't tell if that makes sense or not.

Cantor Zoom is Sandalwood's dad in this universe, which kind of makes sense if you assume a familial resemblance. That makes Juniper his cousin.

So, the first scene on the boat with the skeletons? This is what I thought of.

:D

Anyway, another great and glorious chapter. Gargamel, friggin' Gargamel! And just... everything here, Samey. Funny and insane and just pitch-perfect.

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