• Published 8th Sep 2020
  • 2,211 Views, 162 Comments

Dungeons and Dimwits - Samey90

  • ...
6
 162
 2,211

9. The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

“Finally, some good instant noodles,” Indigo said, bringing the bowl from the kitchen. “Everyone buys this flavourless piss, but Twilight has a whole drawer full of hot and spicy shrimp ones.”

“Seriously?” Sugarcoat asked. “The guy we’re fighting just turned into a tentacle monster and you’re gonna eat instant noodles? Are you crazy? Wait, that’s a rhetorical question.”

“If we’re gonna pull an all-nighter, I don’t want to be hungry.” Indigo shrugged.

“You’ve already eaten a kebab,” Sugarcoat said. “And borek with spinach and feta. Not to mention that super-sweet cake that gave me diabetes, I think.”

“Well, this was a few hours ago and I have a quick metabolism,” Indigo replied. “It all went through me in an instant. By the way, if anyone feels like going to the toilet–”

“I don’t want to hear the rest of this sentence.” Juniper covered her ears. “Let’s get back to tentacle monsters. I greatly enjoy being one.”

“Well, if you have a choice to be a tentacle monster, always be one,” Sunny said.

“Fucking weebs,” Lemon muttered.

“Do I have to remind you that you once drunkenly claimed that Sailor Moon turned you into a lesbian?” Sugarcoat asked.

Lemon pouted. “That was ages ago!”

“As my old, gossipy aunt Miranda would say, everything you say may be used against you.” Sugarcoat smirked. “Also, even I know that you can’t blame an anime for turning you gay. It’s what you get at birth. Could’ve been worse – just look at Sour.”

“I don’t think it’s exactly ‘blame’,” Twilight said, trying not to pay attention to Indigo and Lemon holding Sour Sweet, preventing her from strangling Sugarcoat. “You usually blame someone for bad things, while, I’d say, Lemon clearly enjoys being a lesbian.”

“Every second of it.” Lemon smirked. “Sour, leave Sugarcoat alone. Her birth package included asthma, poor eyesight, and being a huge bitch.”

“I also enjoy every second of it,” Sugarcoat replied. “Speaking of huge things, let’s get back to tentacle monsters. It’s gonna be even more realistic when Indigo chokes on instant noodles.”

“Good to know you believe in me.” Indigo smirked. “Where did we finish anyway?”

“Final form,” Twilight replied. “You’d better get your sword ready…”


Fafhrd the Barbarian looked at his mighty sword and shook his head. The tentacles were covered in thick, slimy skin and the blade kept bouncing off, no matter what he did. The barbarian dodged another tentacle and dived into a pile of coins where he found Charlene.

“What about you?” he asked. “Can you do something to him?”

This form is resistant to fire. Charlene shrugged. I can flip him off and not much more.

“At least the rest of the guys are still fighting,” Fafhrd muttered. A small silhouette of Gray Mouser poked from behind a pile of coins and threw a magic missile at the mass of tentacles, which shook and thrashed, bringing down half of the wall and sending the coins in all the directions.

Elbereth Gilthoniel, bitch!” Sour jumped from behind her cover and unleashed a barrage of arrows at the monster in front of her. It did even less than the magic missile; the arrows either bounced or just disappeared in the shapeless mass, as if they sunk in a swamp.

Sour cursed, but it was cut short by a sudden gust of wind as something heavy flew past her. She watched as the bolt the size of a support beam hit the tentacle monster, leaving a nasty, grayish bruise on one of the tentacles.

“What the hell?” she asked, turning back. To her surprise, she saw Gmork standing by a large ballista and trying to reload it quickly – a tough task, given that the bolts were three times his size. “Where did you get that?”

“It was in me luggage,” Gmork replied with a shrug.

“You’ve had a big fucking ballista in your luggage?!” Sour exclaimed. “Where exactly? Not to mention that it was the same luggage we’ve lost to the cultists along with a pony named Lyra Heartstrings?”

“Wait, what happened to the pony?” Gmork asked.

“I don’t give a shit about the pony!” Sour shouted. “Where did you get a ballista and why didn’t you use it earlier? Like, whenever we needed it?”

“It takes a while to put it together.” Gmork shrugged again. He finally managed to recock the ballista and load it, this time tying some bombs to the bolt. “Fire in the hole!”

The bolt flew across the treasury, hitting the mass of tentacles and exploding, sending coins, splinters, and bits of gelatinous tissue around. Sour dodged the incoming projectiles, muttering curses under her breath.

“Where did you get it?!” she exclaimed. “In some sort of gnome Ikea?”

Before Gmork could answer, they heard a scream and Fafhrd hit the ground next to them. Soon, he was followed by Gray Mouser, who landed on Sour’s head, almost knocking her out.

“Gmork, warn us next time you do something like that!” the barbarian exclaimed. “Some of us are melee fighters, you know!”

“Gmork said, ‘fire in the hole’,” the artificer muttered.

“I’ll make some holes in your ass if you try to blow us up again!” Fafhrd exclaimed, his words complimented by the hissing sound as Charlene took advantage of the Chancellor’s wounds and attacked him with fire again. Gray Mouser stood up and fired another magic missile, pushing the burning creature back.

“Now we’ve got him!” Fafhrd exclaimed. “Gmork, fire again! We’ll win this!”

“Remember, he’s either Dagon or his minion,” Gray Mouser said, casually firing another spell at the retreating creature. “If I was the DM, our entrails would already be hanging from the Christmas tree.”

“Nah, he may have turned into a tentacle monster, but it doesn’t mean he can fuck us.” The barbarian spun his sword and chuckled. “Now, I shall finish him off.”

“FOOLS!” The voice not so much echoed across the hall, but rather right inside of their skulls. Suddenly, they felt much heavier, as if someone suddenly cranked up the gravity. The fire went out and the smoke cleared, although not quite; they couldn’t exactly see the Chancellor, but they noticed that the silhouette behind the smoke was no longer a mass of half-burn tentacles. It was grotesque and shapeless, with way too many eyes staring down at them.

What was worse, it looked like not the whole creature was exactly in the same place as them. As if a part of it existed in some other dimension they could vaguely feel, but on the whole, it went under the radar of their senses.

“He’ll destroy us with psychic attacks!” Sour exclaimed, trying to stand up.

“Not on my watch!” Gray Mouser stood up, facing the Chancellor. “I’ll stop him, you get the money and get out.”

“Stop him for how long?” Sour asked. “Two seconds?”

“No worries, Tharizdun is on my side.” Gray Mouser turned to the Chancellor. “Hey, muttonhead! You think you’re so great because you can just fry someone’s brain with your mind? I can do that in my sleep!”

“Ye can’t even contain the halfling whose body ye took over!” Gmork exclaimed.

“That’s no longer a problem,” Gray Mouser replied. “He shat himself mentally and told me ‘you deal with this’ before running away to the darkest corner of my mind. And now, I shall stop this pathetic god’s mind powers.”

As it turned out, two seconds Sour had given the halfling was a generous estimation. Right after Gray Mouser stood up and tried to conjure a shield, his head exploded, spraying bits of skull and brain around. His body didn’t fall to the ground, though. It burst into flames, still standing.

“Okay, anyone else has any ideas?” Sour asked. “We just pissed off a god, so if someone wants to say their prayers, they better do it quickly.”

“Well, I guess Tharizdun didn’t help, so what can we do?” Gmork shrugged. “Gmork can say 'parlay', but Gmork doesn’t think he’ll negotiate with us.”

“Yeah, Sugarcoat would’ve offed us a while ago, so that’s a success,” Indigo said. “Ironically, Sugarcoat is now headless and on fire, which means Twilight will now rip us apart.”

“So what do we do?” Sour asked.

“The same thing as usual: we find Charlene and charge into battle until we become four pairs of smouldering shoes,” Indigo replied. “No one will tell we died while running away.”

“Too bad no bard is there to sing about our idiocy,” Gmork smirked. “Unless Hunzrin can sing, but I’m not sure if he’s even alive somewhere in this clusterfuck.”

“Maybe he is, but who cares.” Indigo stood up. “Well, it’s been an honour.”

“Oh great, I’m gonna die side by side with a barbarian, a freak of nature and a little match girl.” Sour rolled her eyes. “But well… You have my bow, I guess?”

“I also have my axe.” Fafhrd nodded.

And my flames. Charlene raised from the nearby pile of rubble.

Gmork chuckled. “And me ballista… Or what’s left of it.”

“No counting to three, just charge!” Fafhrd exclaimed. “For glory, gold, and reasonably priced whores!”

Gurth goth rim Tel’Quessir!” Sour screamed, aiming her bow at the vast nothingness in front of them.

“Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!” Gmork aimed the ballista, strapping the last grenades to the bolt. Next to him, Charlene just sighed and flipped the Chancellor off.

Flames shot out of the Gray Mouser’s body, suddenly engulfing the chamber. The coins on the floor started to melt, gold evaporating without a trace. Gmork’s last ballista shot hit the Chancellor, but it could as well fall into a black hole; they didn’t even hear the grenades exploding.

Fafhrd almost stopped mid-charge. He expected to live for about two or three seconds before exploding and becoming yet another forsaken soul of an adventurer, but somehow they kept going. Also, he felt a wave of hot air overtaking him and hitting the incomprehensible body of the Chancellor, sending him backwards.

“Wait, what the–” Sour stopped, furrowing her eyebrows. “This fucking halfling is gonna haunt us from the grave, isn’t he?”

“So far he’s haunting the Chancellor.” Fafhrd lowered his axe as white lightnings shot out of the place where the flames hit the dark void, illuminating the whole cave. “What the hell is going on?”

Maybe he summoned Tharizdun before dying? Charlene shrugged as another wave of lightning bolts engulfed them, followed by a powerful shriek, nearly piercing their skulls.

“So it’s a literal Deus ex machina?” Sour shrugged. “Just great. Sugarcoat would flip, if she was still alive.”

“Fighting god with another god seems like a reasonable idea.” Fafhrd ducked when the next barrage of fire brought down a part of the wall, destroying Gmork’s ballista in the process.

Wait, isn’t Tharizdun that guy who wants to destroy everything that is? Charlene asked.

“Well, at the moment this doesn’t include us.” Fafhrd grabbed a handful of coins and hissed when they burned his hands. Still, he started to stuff his bag with gold.

“Are you stupid?” Sour asked. “There are the gods fighting around us and all you care about is money.”

“They’re immortal!” Fafhrd exclaimed. “This fight might take a while. Maybe you can wait a few centuries and see who wins, but some of us don’t have that much time, you know.”

“He wants to say that time is money.” Gmork gracefully dodged a large boulder and helped Charlene up. “Lady, I believe we should get enough to build ye a new inn. Possibly in a place where ye can get actual customers.”

“We should really do something,” Sour said. “I mean, why else would we be here, witnessing the clash of gods, which takes place on so many levels that we can’t even comprehend–” She narrowly dodged a lightning bolt that hit coins behind her, turning them into a golden vapour. “You know what? Fuck this. Let’s get out of here before the whole place collapses on our heads.”

Fafhrd stood up. His armour and every single pouch or bag he had with him was filled with gold. Charlene and Gmork did the same, though their load wasn’t as impressive. Sour sighed and shook her head, grabbing a few handfuls of coins that somehow survived the fight and filled her quiver with them. Only then did they leave the cave.

After getting through a narrow corridor, they heard some groaning, nearly drowned in the distant echo of the fight between Tharizdun and the Chancellor. They turned back to see Hunzrin Hundsfott himself, staggering in a charred and bent armour, dragging a bag full of gold behind him.

“I swear, if Sugarcoat took over the drow now, I’m gonna kill her myself,” Sour muttered.

“No, I’m still myself,” Hunzrin replied. “Also, I guess it’s time to retire.” He looked at the bag.

“Yeah, seeing your boss turn into a tentacle monster will do that to you,” Fafhrd said. “Also, the floor starts shaking, so we’d better move.”

They rushed down the corridor, chased by roaring and the clashing of rocks as more and more caves collapsed. Hunzrin soon managed to overtake the whole group – he knew the fortress best and soon he led the party to the surviving minecarts.

What will happen when the gods stop fighting? Charlene asked when they loaded gold onto the minecart.

“Either the winner will destroy the world or they’ll go for a beer,” Fafhrd replied. “Either way, there’ll always be work for adventurers.”

“Screw you and your party,” Sour muttered. “I’ll find myself my own one, with normal elves, who don’t pick up fights with gods for money.”

“Normal elves?” Hunzrin chuckled. “That’s a good one.”

“I can assure ye, no elf would build a catapult out of sticks and shit in five minutes flat,” Gmork said. “Long story.”

I’d rather not hear this one. Charlene hopped onto the cart. So, where are we going? To the town?

“With this, we can buy ourselves a town.” Fafhrd chuckled and pushed the minecart. “Let’s go.”


“So, that’s it?” Sugarcoat asked. “I mean, I’m kinda dead but at least I brought Tharizdun to the party.”

Indigo grabbed a piece of chocolate and threw it into the air, catching it with her mouth. “Well, we got the money and Sugarcoat is dead. What is there to hate? I mean, Sour and Hunzrin will probably kill each other soon because that’s what elves and drows do, but at least Fafhrd can always get a hot girl…”

“Thank you,” Lemon said.

“Don’t get too happy.” Sunny smirked. “Indigo chooses her partners based on how much fire support they can provide. That’s why her boyfriend looks like Heavy from Team Fortress 2.”

“You’re just jealous because your boyfriend is like the Yeti,” Indigo said. “Everyone’s heard of him, but no one has actually seen him.”

“It’s not over,” Twilight said, looking into her notes with a smirk. “I have an epilogue of sorts.”

Sour smirked. “Bring it.”


Since all the cultists mysteriously disappeared, the town got much more lively. It could be partially attributed to the mysterious group of foreigners who got the local economy back on the track, spending large sums of gold in all the taverns, forges, brothels, and stores with magical items.

They were just sitting in the inn, drinking beer and enjoying the warm sun; while the rock was still standing, the shadow previously covering the town with a thick veil disappeared.

“We shouldn’t spend everything on beer and whores,” Sour said. “We still need to buy some ship and get back home. This place is nice, but it’s far away from any civilisation.”

“Said the first elf who walked into a brothel and demanded a kender and a dragonborn,” Fafhrd said. “I didn’t know your racism doesn’t involve sex slaves.”

“At least they didn’t have a kender.” Gmork looked around, just in case some kender showed up around him. “A few of those little shits would steal the whole town.”

“Still, a dragonborn?” Hunzrin shuddered. “Is it true they have two–”

“Totally,” Sour replied. “Also, Gmork, still trying to pick up gnome chicks?”

“Not trying,” Gmork replied. “Actually picking them up.”

“Yet another proof that if you’re rich, you can look like a mutated toad and the girls won’t mind.” Fafhrd chuckled. “Also, why’d we need to buy a ship? Gmork will build us a flying chariot. We’ll fly around the world and I’ll get my own talk show.”

Do they even have talk shows in this universe? Charlene gestured. She actually managed to gain more money since they came back from the rock, mostly by challenging half of the town to a drinking contest and winning.

“Well, Conan had one.” Fafhrd shrugged.

“That’s Conan O’Brien, you imbecile.” Sour sighed and shook her head. “Anyway, I’ll give you a piece of advice before I go to find other elves: you’d better invest this gold in some inn or other shit or else you’ll end up becoming a bunch of murder hobos again and–” She turned back to see a tall man in rags approaching them. “Fair warning: we shoot beggars on sight,” she said, grabbing her bow.

More men in rags stood behind the first one, who smirked and said, “I assure you we’re no beggars.”

“Then who are ye?” Gmork asked.

“We’re former innkeepers called by this gentleman here.” The man pointed at one of his companions. “Your elf friend and her tiefling girlfriend tried to seduce him and left him tied in his inn. When the guards arrived, they also found a corpse of some sailor upstairs. He barely avoided the gallows.”

“Yeah, and what about me?” another man asked. “My inn ended up being infested by undead dwarves!”

“And on our way here, we wanted to visit our old friend in the valley.” Another man furrowed his eyebrows. “We found his inn burned and his body torn to shreds. And now I see his daughter is with you.”

Charlene stood up. Well, to be honest, they’re right. Also, some of those guys are my favourite uncles.

“What is she saying?” Sour asked.

“She’s betraying us,” Fafhrd replied. “Hey, Charlene, don’t do this! We’ve just defeated a god, do you think this Dad’s Army is gonna defeat us?”

Gmork raised his hand. “Well, technically we didn’t–”

“Dad’s Army?” The man in rags chuckled. “Your pointy-eared friend was right about one thing. What do you think, who usually becomes an innkeeper?”

“Former adventurers?” Hunzrin asked. “Also, for the record, I don’t know these people. I’m just a simple drow and I never hurt an innkeeper in my life.”

“Exactly.” The man in rags produced a vorpal sword and effortlessly cut the table in half with it. “You’ve defeated a god, you say? Back in the day, I fucked a goddess. Two, in fact.”

The grey-haired dwarf innkeeper swung the Axe of the Dwarvish Lords. “Have you heard the story of Glortan the Bane of Dragons? If dragons told stories to their young, they’d tell them about Glortan lurking in the darkness and approaching from behind…”

“You can’t be Glortan,” Sour said. "I always assumed he was the size of our Fafhrd."

“Why not?” The dwarf chuckled. “The dragons have a hard time spotting a dwarf until it’s too late, if you know what I mean.”

“Enough of this shit!” Sour exclaimed. “Either tell us what you want or get lost and don’t waste our time!”

The innkeepers all grabbed their weapons – most of them rare or legendary.

“Well, hope you’re happy.” Fafhrd muttered, grabbing his axe. “We’re either gonna become Butch and Sundance or Benny Hill. And knowing our track record, it’ll be the latter.”

“Should I play that song?” Gmork asked.

Sour sighed. “Oh, shut up and run!”


Twilight looked at the girl in front of her, watching her with eager anticipation. She had a brief thought of running away; the very fact that she saw Rainbow Dash in the library when there were no new Daring Do novels coming was too much of a shock.

“So, I’ve heard from Juniper that you’re done with that one campaign,” Rainbow Dash said. “Did you kill everyone?”

“Nah, they’re alive though they wish they weren’t.” Twilight shrugged.

“Oh, that’s good.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Anyway, if you’re done with them, I’d like to remind you that we didn’t play anything for a while and I just came up with this great barbarian character. I called him Kull the Conqueror. Also, I know that Pinkie wants to be either a lesbian vampire or a slutty bard, so basically typical for her. Fluttershy–”

“Oh no,” Twilight muttered, backpedalling. “Not this again…”

Comments ( 22 )

Oh dear, poor twilight :)

This was a fun one. And Yakety Sax is the best chase music ever.

“For glory, gold, and reasonably priced whores!”

Do I sense a Pratchett reference?

XDDDD That ending! XD

An absolutely glorious ending to this tale, with some good plot hooks for more!

That ending!

Priceless.

Glorious! But to short, like all good stories. But luckily you're planing a sequel with the Humane 7. And nothing you say will chang this truth.

“Well, if you have a choice to be a tentacle monster, always be one,” Sunny said.

Be yourself. Unless you can be a tentacle monster. Then be a tentacle monster.

“Wait, what happened to the pony?” Gmork asked.

Oh, she's the overpowered bonus boss.

Hilarious stuff from start to finish. I hope you do do that Mane 7 campaign. In theory, it'll go a little more sanely. In theory. Provided Sunset doesn't try to monopolize the entire story with her tiefling sorcerer's tragic redemption arc again. In any case, thank you for this.

10514456

Do I sense a Pratchett reference?

Of course :twilightsmile:

10514579
10514583
10514652
Thanks :pinkiehappy:

10514980
As of late I write mostly EqG, so this may also happen.

10515140

In theory, it'll go a little more sanely. In theory. Provided Sunset doesn't try to monopolize the entire story with her tiefling sorcerer's tragic redemption arc again.

Not to mention Rainbow Dash going munchkin. Or Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.

On a side note, I wonder how'd Fluttershy take Sour Elf's hunting...

10515740
Not Pinkie being Pinkie. Pinkie being a slutty lesbian vampire bard.
And Fluttershy being a chaotic evil warlock of chaos. She has somehow to vent that pent up frustration.

“I don’t think it’s exactly ‘blame’,” Twilight said, trying not to pay attention to Indigo and Lemon holding Sour Sweet, preventing her from strangling Sugarcoat. “You usually blame someone for bad things, while, I’d say, Lemon clearly enjoys being a lesbian.”

Well I mean I know someone who claims that Adagio Dazzle turned her bi. :rainbowlaugh:

“I also enjoy every second of it,” Sugarcoat replied. “Speaking of huge things, let’s get back to tentacle monsters. It’s gonna be even more realistic when Indigo chokes on instant noodles.”

Would explain why Sugarcoat is dour, cynical, forward... And pure evil in this case. Actually, this story explained so many things about everyone...

“Oh, that’s good.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Anyway, if you’re done with them, I’d like to remind you that we didn’t play anything for a while and I just came up with this great barbarian character. I called him Kull the Conqueror. Also, I know that Pinkie wants to be either a lesbian vampire or a slutty bard, so basically typical for her. Fluttershy–”

“Oh no,” Twilight muttered, backpedalling. “Not this again…”

Aw, let her finish! :twilightangry2:

My choice of music for this thing :pinkiesmile: :

10613940

Well I mean I know someone who claims that Adagio Dazzle turned her bi.

I guess Adagio has that effect on people :rainbowlaugh:

“No counting to three, just charge!” Fafhrd exclaimed. “For glory, gold, and reasonably priced whores!”

Good last words.

This was a riot. I'm making a note here: epic lols. :rainbowlaugh:

10938984
Oh, wow... Guess, that was not fight against KV-2 with its 152-mm high-explosive shells - or fic could end very quickly. And messy.

10941863
Ever seen the Soviet film Mimino? Georgian accent is like there.

11003165
Thanks and sorry. Anything could be with vampires.

Dan

Were there any updates on Sweet Leaf here? I should maybe reread it.

11151165
I think she wasn't mentioned here.

“Wait, what happened to the pony?” Gmork asked.

Good question. What happened to the pony?

11313389

So she has a hoarse with no name?

Not for long (the pony was the mastermind)

which one was the mother?

The orc, of course :pinkiecrazy:

that sounds funny At least they didn't all play as R2 units.

They'd probably survive longer...

11313487
Yay :pinkiehappy:

As a HUGE DnD fan myself, I LOVE this story so much and I hope you do another one like it in future!!! :pinkiehappy:

Also, which edition are they playing?

11422886
FIfth on alcohol, creative liberties, and whatever set of mental problems they all have.

Login or register to comment