2. Advanced Shipping
The wharf smelled of rotting fish and old timber. It was late afternoon, so most sailors were either drunk or looking for an occasion to drink. Some of them were standing by the decrepit bars, flirting with local whores or playing dice on the ground.
Fafhrd the Mighty smiled at the whores, earning a disapproving glare from his companion, a black-robed halfling known as Gray Mouser. The halfling kicked Fafhrd in the ankle and walked forward, smacking sailors with a cane.
They walked to a large ship moored to the wharf. The caravel had seen better days, but according to the rumours they heard in the port, the captain needed new crewmen. There was, however, one problem.
“I talked to the bos’n,” Gmork said, emerging from between the barrels awaiting to be loaded onto the ship. “They’re goin’ to Cold Run.”
“Great,” Fafhrd the Powerful said. “Where is it?”
“In a completely different direction, you insufferable moron,” Gray Mouser replied. “One’d think you know. You wrote in your character sheet that this is where you come from.”
“Awesome. I always wanted to visit auntie Brunhild,” Fafhrd the Not-So-Wise said.
“That’s great, but we don’t want to go there!” Gray Mouser rolled her eyes. “Golden coins, remember?” He turned back to see the most peculiar pair: an elf archer in a green coat and leather gloves called Araralei but otherwise known to the world as Sour Elf and a pony-riding tiefling bard whose infernal name could not be spoken in bright light and thus she just used “Lemon” as her nom de guerre as well as nom de plume.
“Did you kill the bartender?” Fafhrd the Ever-Practical asked.
“Nah,” Lemon replied. “We tied him up, gagged him, robbed the inn, and told the first patrol of the guards we met that the guy has an illegal brothel.”
“Oh, just great.” Gray Mouser facepalmed. “Now the whole town will start looking for you. We need to get on the ship.”
“Don’t worry, no one will know it was us,” Sour said.
“I don’t know if you noticed, but an elf and a tiefling walking together and talking about illegal brothels are rather distinctive,” Gray Mouser muttered. “Maybe in the forest you come from it wouldn’t be weird, but in here, elves are kept in ghettos, Sour Elf.”
“Shut up, Sugarcoat,” Sour replied, grabbing her bow. “We’re not going to stay in town for much longer.”
“Exactly,” Gmork said. “I’m gonna bring the captain. He’s a one-armed dwarf.”
“I wonder if he’s throwing dice along the wharf.” Lemon shrugged.
“Gmork Gartenzwerg!” They heard a voice from the ship. The captain was indeed a one-armed dwarf with a hook for a missing hand. He was slightly taller than Gmork and Gray Mouser; still, he had to stand on the deck of the ship to look Fafhrd in the eyes. “Those are the new sailors you talked about?”
“Aye, captain,” Gmork replied. “They’re a bit green, but look how strong this one is!”
“I see.” The dwarf looked at Fafhrd. “What’s your name and why do you want to sail under my command?”
“Well, I’m Indigo– I mean, Fafhrd the Barbarian, son of Onan the Barbarian–”
Gray Mouser chuckled. “Did you think this name through?”
“What do you mean?” Indigo asked. “It’s like this guy from the book, right?”
“Wrong book.” Gray Mouser sighed. “Unless you really want to say your father was slain by God for–” The halfling climbed on a barrel and whispered into the barbarian’s ear.
“Eww!” Indigo exclaimed. “How do you know such things?”
“I’m a cleric, I read holy books.”
“This reminds me,” the captain said. “Why’d I need a halfling cleric on my ship?”
“Ballast,” Gmork suggested.
“Your crew may need spiritual advice,” Gray Mouser replied.
The captain furrowed his eyebrows, looking at the cleric’s black robe. “What god are you a cleric of?”
“Is this really important right now?” Sour asked. “All gods are equal or something. Also, before you ask, elves are great sailors. Have you ever heard of Earendil the Mariner?”
“I don’t think The Silmarillion exists in this universe,” Gray Mouser whispered.
“I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my persuasion check was,” Sour replied.
“Right…” The captain scratched his beard and looked at Lemon. “What about you? I thought demons are afraid of water.”
Lemon smirked. “I’m but a humble tiefling. But if you allow me to join your crew, you won’t regret…” She winked at him.
“Is she trying to seduce him again?” Fafhrd the Ever-Insightful asked.
“Not really,” Gray Mouser replied. “‘Trying’ implies the possibility of failure.”
Twilight sighed. “So, one way or another you managed to get on the ship. Also, I’m not sure if I should present you with any moral choices for a while.”
“Why?” Sugarcoat asked.
“You always choose the least moral option,” Twilight replied. “What exactly are you planning to do about the ship not going where you want it to?”
“Seduce everyone?” Lemon asked. She was getting more into her character; she brought an acoustic guitar to the session, occasionally strumming a chord or two to add some weight to her words.
“Well, we were planning to organise a mutiny.” Indigo shrugged. “If that’s any help, Sugarcoat’s initial plan involved turning the whole crew into the undead.”
“That’s still our backup plan,” Sugarcoat said. “In case you somehow manage to stop our first four plans. Also, when all you have is necromancy, every problem starts looking like someone who needs to stop breathing.”
“I prefer the version with ‘when all you have is a battle axe, every problem starts looking like an orc’s head.” Indigo turned to Sunny. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Sunny replied.
Lemon chuckled. “When all you have are tiefling boobs–”
“Don’t finish this sentence or I’ll have to explain the resulting mess to my therapist,” Sour Sweet muttered. She’d brought a bow to the session, which Twilight found far more dangerous. At least she didn’t have any arrows.
“Okay,” Lemon said. “By the way, I kinda want to name my pony ‘Lyra Heartstrings’.”
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows. “You know there’s Lyra Heartstrings in Canterlot High?”
“Really?” Lemon asked. “I just wanted something musical.”
“You may even know her,” Twilight said. “I mean, Octavia is your neighbour, right? I think they recently started some crazy jazz band together.”
“You mean that mean girl who plays the piano?” Lemon asked.
“Nah, that’d be Bon Bon,” Twilight replied. “Lyra plays the piano too, but she usually plays the lyre and other strange string instruments.”
Lemon nodded. “Ah, this one. We smoked weed in the basement once and she told me some very fun things about horses. Did you know that horses produce about ten gallons of saliva a day?”
“I really didn’t need that mental image,” Indigo muttered. “Can we get back to the ship?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure horse saliva can wait,” Twilight said, looking into her notes. “So, you’re at sea for two days…”
An arrow hit the apple, almost splitting it in half, and nailed it to the mast. Sour smirked and walked to it, trying to get the arrow out. As it was firmly embedded in the wood, it took a while.
“I shouldn’t be using broadheads for training,” Sour said, looking at the arrowhead and groaning. “I need hardened bodkin tips. Better for piercing armour too.”
“Gmork will see what Gmork can do,” Gmork replied, looking through his equipment. “For now, ye have them blunts.”
“Yes, but they don’t get stuck in the mast and I keep losing them,” Sour replied. “If you get bodkins made of really hard steel, it may even penetrate plate armour.”
“Can you stop talking about penetrating with your hard tips?” Indigo alias Fafhrd asked. She was cleaning a suit of plate armour, but it kept getting covered in salt. This whole situation made her feel rather un-fafhrdy. “Also, we were supposed to plan a mutiny.”
“Sugarcoat is working on it,” Lemon replied. “Though I’m not sure if she’s not just teaching everyone to play dragonchess.”
“She’d better start doing something, or we’ll have to fight everyone by ourselves.” Indigo groaned. “By the way, Sunny, do you have those bombs?”
“Who’s Sunny?”
Indigo rolled her eyes. “Gmork, do you have the bombs?”
“Gmork is working on ‘em,” Gmork replied. “Still, we ain’t wanna sink the ship, right?”
“Yeah.” Indigo shuddered when a dead seagull fell on the deck next to her, pierced by a broadhead. “Stop doing that! Aren’t elves supposed to be friends of all living things?”
“Yes, unless we need to hunt for food.” Sour walked to the seagull and sniffed it. “Besides, those fuckers piss me off. When will we leave the coast so they get lost?”
“We’re just cruising along the coast to avoid giant squids, I guess.” Lemon shrugged. “Though there’s always a possibility we hit the rock.”
“I prefer giant squids.” Indigo looked at her sword. “You can’t reason with rocks.”
“And by ‘reason’ you mean stab them full of holes?” Sour asked. “I like this.”
“On a side note, I’m a bard and I haven’t sung any song yet,” Lemon said. “How about ‘You are a Pirate’?”
Sour briefly aimed the bow at her, but then put it down. “I’d rather look for Sugarcoat.”
“Excuse me,” Sugarcoat, also known as Gray Mouser, walked to two sailors busy with cleaning the deck. “Can you spare a moment to talk about our lord and saviour Tharizdun?”
“Bugger off,” one of the sailors replied.
“Everyone says that, but when death is near, you’re all looking for the gods’ help,” Sugarcoat replied. “Tharizdun can make you immortal.”
“Isn’t he slightly insane?” the shorter of the sailors asked.
“That’s lies and slander,” Sugarcoat replied. “The sailor’s life is often dangerous. Where will you go if you need advice or spiritual help?”
“We have vodka.”
“You do?” Sugarcoat smirked. “Will you help a poor cleric in need?”
Sour walked through the shadows, sneaking past the sailors without a noise. Her elf ears were catching the slightest noises, she didn’t like what she heard.
Cursing under her breath, she burst into the mess. No sailor noticed her – she could be pretty stealthy when she wanted, though it was also made easier by the fact that everyone was drunk. And in the middle of the whole party, there was a slurring halfling in a dishevelled black robe.
“Hello, Sour Elf!” Sugarcoat exclaimed, raising a glass of rum. She spoke in an overly clear way, like someone trying hard not to devolve into incoherent blather. “I just got Tharizdun like, ten new followers! That means we’re an officially recognised religious minority on this ship and we can, uhh… get an altar and uhh… They know we’re planning a mutiny. But I didn’t tell them about the coins! They think we’re gonna find the Gems of Tharizdun!”
Sour groaned. “By the holy pants of Solonor Thelandira, why did you tell them, you idiot? Someone will tell the captain.”
“I failed all the rolls,” Sugarcoat replied. “Who knew hobbits are such lightweights…”
“You’re a fucking halfling, not a fucking hobbit!” Sour yelled. “Or rather you’re an ex-halfling! We’ll all be dead if they keelhaul us!”
One of the sailors chuckled. “For an elf, you have an interesting vocabulary.”
Sour grabbed her bow. “Oh, shut up!” she exclaimed. “Next person to speak will get shot!”
“Sour, chill out.” Sugarcoat stood on the table. “There’s no need to–” She was rudely interrupted by an arrow hitting a bottle of rum she was holding. “Oh, come on!” She raised her hands, trying to cast a fire bolt, but the spell failed horribly; all it did was making the air around her a bit hotter. She tried again, but one of the sailors grabbed a chair and hit her, knocking her out.
“Damn drunk halfling,” he muttered. “A mutineer too. Can we cast this thing overboard?”
“I don’t mind,” Sour replied.
Another sailor stood up. “Actually, we should hang him from the yardarm.”
“I don’t mind that either.” Sour shrugged. More sailors stood up, grabbing Sugarcoat and carrying her out of the mess.
The group was just approaching the nearest mast when Indigo and Lemon stood in front of them. “Hey, what’s going on here?” Indigo asked.
“We’re gonna hang the halfling,” a sailor replied.
“Why?”
“Mutiny, casting dark magic, religious propaganda, and being a drunken twat,” Sour said.
“Mutiny?” Indigo asked. “But we were supposed to–”
“Shut up or we’ll be next,” Sour whispered. “Don’t worry, it’s all a part of my plan.”
Lemon looked at the sailors, who were just wondering how much rope they should use. “What’s the plan?”
“Kill Sugarcoat, make her get a new character, and then I’ll think of something,” Sour replied.
“What does Sugarcoat think about this plan?” Indigo looked at her sword and started counting the sailors.
“Not much. She’s unconscious.” Sour smirked. “That’s the beauty of it.”
The sailors were about to start tying the rope to the yardarm, when someone blew a horn, causing them to stop, cover their ears and look around to find the source of the noise. It turned out to be Gmork, who stood by the helm.
“Gmork brought the captain,” he said.
“Right on time,” the captain said, furrowing his eyebrows. “As far as I know, I’m the captain of this ship. No one’s getting hanged on this ship without my knowledge. What did the halfling do?”
“Gray Mouser didn’t want to mutiny!” Indigo exclaimed. “He always gets dumb ideas when drunk. It’s a halfling, after all.”
“He did want to cast some spell.” Another sailor shrugged. “Maybe burn the ship down. Also, a cleric turned me into a newt once.”
“Ya got better?” Gmork asked.
“Clearly,” the sailor replied. “So, does anyone know how to hang a halfling?”
“Slowly,” Sour said. “They’re too light to die immediately.”
Sugarcoat opened her eyes, rubbing her head. “And you’re supposed to be my friends?” She groaned.
“You’ll ask philosophical questions to Tharizdun when you meet him.” Sour smirked, grabbing a rope.
“Oh, come on!” Sugarcoat exclaimed. “You’re going to hang me because of some failed rolls?”
“Well, technically you went drinking with the sailors on your own,” Twilight replied.
“This seemed like a good idea at the time.” Sugarcoat shrugged and turned to Sour. “Also, why do you even insist on hanging me?”
Sour looked into her character sheet. “When I was a young elf, I got thrown into the mud by three halflings in a coat who pretended to be one big guy. Since then, I hate them.”
“That was a hundred years ago,” Indigo said.
“Also, my character hates clerics of Tharizdun, drunks, seawater, sand, and Sugarcoat in particular.” Sour shrugged. “I hope her new character is an elf.”
Twilight smirked. “You might want to wait for that. As the crew is about to hang the hapless halfling, the lookouts in the crow’s nest start to scream. They spotted black sails on the horizon–”
“A random encounter!” Indigo exclaimed.
“Deus ex machina?” Sour Sweet looked at Sugarcoat.
“Tharizdun ex machina, more like.” Sugarcoat shrugged. “Untie me! I’m a drunk necromancer out for blood!”
Lemon hit the strings of her guitar. “Do what you want, ‘cause a pirate is free!”
Sunny smirked. “Gmork has a crossbow. And a gunpowder barrel.”
The swift carrack quickly caught up with the battered caravel. The pirates were getting closer. Some of them were already waving cutlasses and preparing hooks to board the ship.
“Sour Elf!” Indigo exclaimed. “What do your elf eyes see?”
“Old memes.” Sour raised her bow and shot. The arrow went through some unfortunate pirate’s throat and pinned him to the mast. “One.”
“Now you’re just showing off,” Indigo muttered.
“Gmork has an idea,” Gmork said. “Just don’t light the pirate ship on fire.”
“Why?” Lemon asked. “I was just going to try if my Fire Tornado works.”
“Not when Twilight is a DM,” Sugarcoat said. The sailors untied her, letting her sit on the yardarm, from where she could fire spells at the incoming pirates. “Also, bring it. I feel like doing some casting under influence.”
“Just aim carefully,” Sour said. “Or I’ll pop an arrow in your hairy feet.”
Sugarcoat responded with a traditional middle finger salute. Below her, the sailors grabbed knives and cutlasses, ready to meet the boarding party. Most of them, however, decided to stay away from Indigo, either intimidated by a huge barbarian, or realising that the words “collateral damage” didn’t exist in the dictionary of someone who used a zweihander one-handed.
Sour fired another arrow, causing the pirate lookout to fall out of the crow’s nest and hit the deck with the nasty sound of breaking bones. “Two.”
Indigo groaned. “Can they board a bit faster?”
Her wish quickly came true. The pirate ship approached the starboard, first pirates throwing hooks to tie the both ships together. As Indigo noticed, the boarding party consisted mostly of orcs, although to her surprise, she saw a one-eyed halfling among them.
The orcs jumped on the deck. The first one got hit with an arrow and dropped back to the sea, but two of his companions rushed towards Indigo, who swung her sword, beheading one of the pirates. Another one managed to parry the first blow; another one rang against the old armour he was wearing, knocking the wind out of his lungs. Indigo let out a powerful scream and stabbed the pirate, crushing the armour and piercing their chest.
“Nice!” Sugarcoat exclaimed, hiccuping. “Uhh… Inflict wounds?”
Nothing happened. Sugarcoat furrowed her eyebrows. “Oh, I hate doing this…”
She jumped from the yardarm, landing on some pirate’s head. This time, the spell worked; the pirate’s skin started to rot and he screamed, trying to shake her off.
“Doing well?” Indigo asked, cutting another pirate with her sword. “Six! How are you doing, Sour?”
“Seventeen!” Sour exclaimed, stabbing a pirate with a dagger. “Eighteen!”
“What?” Indigo yelled. “You lucky, motherfucking weasel!” She dodged a pirate and hit him in the crotch with her sword, causing him to scream and fall down. “Busted, lol.”
“Out of the way!” Gmork exclaimed, pushing some sailors away. Indigo jumped back, right in time to see the half-orc hurl a barrel at the incoming pirates.
“I’ve played enough video games to know where this is going…” Indigo muttered, covering her ears. The barrel exploded, tossing the pirates, as well as some sailors, overboard. When Indigo opened her eyes, she saw just one pirate, desperately trying to shake Sugarcoat off his back.
“Woohoo!” Gmork exclaimed. “Gmork blew them all!”
Sour Sweet winced. “Don’t say that again, please…”
“Impressive.” Lemon nodded. “What do we do now?”
“Board the ship!” Sugarcoat exclaimed.
“We’re already on board,” Indigo replied.
“Not this ship!” Sugarcoat punched the pirate again, trying to get him to walk towards the railing. “The pirate ship!”
“Why?” Indigo asked.
“We take it for ourselves, you idiot!” Sugarcoat jumped off the pirate’s back. “Someone throw me on the deck!”
Sour ran to her and kicked her, sending her across the gap between the two ships. Sugarcoat rolled on the deck, landing in front of those pirates who stayed on their ship in case the first boarding party failed.
“Excuse me,” she said. “Do you have a minute to talk about our lord and saviour, Tharizdun?”
The pirates looked at each other. Most of them were experienced sailors, but halflings landing on their ship to preach about the Chained God weren’t something that happened every day. Their surprise wasn’t long – one of them dropped on the ground with an arrow in his forehead while the other got hit by a thrown sword, big enough to have its own postal code.
“Geronimo!” Sour Sweet exclaimed, jumping onto the pirate ship with a frontflip.
“Leeroy Jenkins!” Indigo dropped on the deck with a terrifying sound of wooden boards cracking under the weight of the plate armour. She yanked her sword out of the dead pirate’s body and swung it, nearly cutting off Sour’s head.
“Banzai!” Lemon jumped on the deck, pushing one of the pirates into the sea. The pony known as Lyra Heartstrings followed her with a loud whinny, kicking the nearby enemies.
Everyone looked at Gmork, who was still on the deck of the merchant ship, carrying a backpack full of things that couldn’t possibly fit in it and yet somehow they did, including several gunpowder barrels.
“Jump!” Indigo exclaimed.
“Uhh…” Gmork shrugged. “Deus Vult!” WIth these words he jumped, barely reaching the pirate ship. For a moment the half-orc was balancing on the edge of the deck, until Lemon pulled him forward.
The pirates quickly realised that the tables turned. They produced a variety of weapons, from ancient crossbows, to cutlasses and battle axes. This was, however, not enough for Indigo who charged at them with great enthusiasm, yelling curses and swinging her sword around.
“Watch out!” Lemon exclaimed when Indigo nearly hit her. “I’m trying to do some healing here!”
“Sorry!” Indigo shouted. “This is not a close quarters weapon, you know…”
“You should name it ‘Collateral Damage’,” Lemon muttered, facing the pirates. “Stand back, or I shall taunt you, you scurvy dogs!”
“I have something more effective!” Sour Sweet kicked one of the pirates and shot another; she then jumped onto the yardarm, grabbing more arrows from the quiver.
Below her, Indigo had problems. She managed to kill most of the pirates around her, but suddenly her sword hit something hard, nearly bouncing back into her face.
Indigo furrowed her eyebrows, looking for the unseen enemy. Suddenly, someone kicked her in the shin, but when she looked down, there was no one there.
“Indigo!” Sugarcoat exclaimed. “Behind you!”
Indigo looked back and saw a halfling with an eyepatch and a short sword. She remembered that he was one of the few pirates from the boarding party that survived the massacre on the merchant ship.
“Bonjour,” the halfling said, saluting with his sword.
“What the actual fuck?” Indigo asked. This question, however, didn’t bother her barbarian mind for too long. She raised her sword, which was bigger than her opponent, and slashed down. It cut the air and hit the boards of the deck with a loud thud. Indigo got another kick in the shins for her trouble and spun around with a loud scream.
“You little– Aargh!” Indigo darted back when the halfling dodged her attack and stabbed her in the foot. “Sour! Shoot this son of a bitch or he’ll kill us all!”
“I can’t!” Sour replied, when the halfling dodged three arrows fired in rapid succession. She jumped off the yardarm, grabbing a dagger. “I hate halflings!” she exclaimed, stabbing the air. The halfling pirate was already somewhere else, running her thigh through with a sword. She screamed and dropped on the deck.
“Someone do something!” Sugarcoat exclaimed. “I’m still drunk and I can’t cast a magic missile!”
“Umm…” Lemon shrugged. “Can I seduce him?”
“Don’t even try!” Indigo flailed the sword wildly, trying to pin the halfling to the ground. All she achieved was smacking Sour in the back of the head, knocking her down.
“Fire Tornado?” Lemon thought for a moment. “A little voice in my head that sounds exactly like Twilight tells me I can’t use it. What about vicious mockery?”
“Do whatever that works!” Gmork exclaimed. “Or Gmork will blow the whole ship up to get rid of him.”
“Okay.” Lemon licked her lips and looked at the halfling, who stood in front of them and smirked. “Come and fight like a real man, you son of a mongrel and a syphilitic orc whore! What kind of knight are you if you can’t slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? I fart in your general direction you–” She paused to take a breath.
“Catamite of Tartary,” Sugarcoat prompted. “Hangman of Kamyanets!”
“Ketamine? I find it overrated.” Lemon shrugged.
The halfling only smirked and saluted Lemon with his middle finger.
“I get the feeling the dice want us dead,” Indigo muttered. “Wait, isn’t he a halfling? Can I just grab him and cast the fucker overboard?”
“Maybe if we distract him for long enough,” Lemon replied, tripping over Sour Sweet. “Hmm, I should also heal Sour.”
“Combine the two or something!” Sugarcoat exclaimed.
Lemon looked at Sugarcoat and a sudden smirk adorned her face. Then she leaned over to Sour and kissed her, prompting a quiet gasp from Twilight, who quickly rolled the dice.
“You’ve distracted the halfling,” Twilight said. She looked at Indigo. “What are you doing?”
There was no response.
Twilight sighed. “It seems that you’ve also distracted Indigo.”
“You can stop kissing now,” Sunny said. “I’m pretty sure Sour is already healed. Although if you’re interested, I’m pretty sure Gmork needs healing too.” She looked at Lemon and Sour who finally broke the kiss. “I’ll be in the toilet. I need, to, uhh… brush my teeth.”
“Do you happen to have an electric toothbrush?” Sugarcoat asked.
Sunny furrowed her eyebrows. “Not your business.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “I guess we all got distracted by this unusual display of, umm… healing. Indigo, what do you do to the halfling?”
“I kick him in his sorry ass,” Indigo replied.
Twilight rolled the dice. “He survived, but you managed to punt him all the way to the merchant ship. He landed on the deck, and got attacked by the sailors.”
“They’re really after hobbits, aren’t they?” Sugarcoat shrugged. “I mean, they still have the rope.”
“Halflings,” Sour muttered.
“Who gives a shit,” Sugarcoat replied. “Let’s cut the ropes and steal this ship!”
“Gmork grabs the helm!” Sunny exclaimed. “Yarr! Come on, all ye scurvy dogs, we’re comin’ for yer booty!”
“Can we not turn it into Vampire again?” Indigo asked.
Twilight shook her head. “You successfully steal the pirate ship, leaving your former crewmen stunned and dumbfounded. However, you’re kinda drifting erratically as there’s just five of you, none of them have any sailing experience and–”
“Are the bodies of the pirates still on the ship?” Sugarcoat asked.
“Yes, but–”
“Okay.” Sugarcoat smirked. “Let’s see if we can do it with the skeleton crew…”
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And this is why a necromancer can be really useful.
So Indigo and Sour are doing killing contests like Gimli and Legolas? I can get behind that
I enjoy this very much!
Also, if I get a picture of the characters, I would be willing to make a comic(s) of this story.
>skeleton crew
ayyyyyy
Another great chapter, perfect balance of action, comedy, and snark.
Your pun is bad and you should feel good.
Well in the end at least the sailors got to kill a halfling/hobbit and our hero's? got the ship they wanted, though i find it interesting that we didn't hear Sour Sweet's reaction after Lemon "healed" her. Anyways other then Sugarcoat almost getting hanged it seems things are going pretty smoothly so far, but i have a feeling that will change pretty soon, i mean you can only go so far with a group like this before things start to get derailed.
I am surprised you didn't go with the borderlands reference when it came to naming Lemons pony.
Heh. Skeleton Crew, eh? I see what you did there.
Great stuff :)
Change the "know" to "ken" and this would be so perfectly Scottish.
Hard to argue with that.
Cue flashbacks to the Gord the Rogue books.
however
faze
Onan was killed for disobeying god, but of course Catholic traditions latched more onto the spilling seed aspect of it. Gotta protect the tiny homunculus babies so they can be safely planted and begin to grow.
"Actually," said Lemon, "while we're on the topic, Lyra's been trying to get up the courage to ask you about a 'portal'? You founding Aperture Science, Sparky?"
"No comment."
This is D&D we're talking about. There's definitely a pirate elf variant race buried in some nautical supplement. They're like Darwin's finches when it comes to specialization.
So... Sugarcoat rolled the dice to see if she was getting drunk? Where's the Mountain Dew?
Wait, what domain gives clerics baleful polymorph?
I was wondering about the pony in all of this.
Ah yes, the traditional battle cry of the packrat adventurer: "I have a belt pouch."
Cure (adjective) wounds is a touch spell. No one said how you had to touch someone to cast it... though this method may interfere with the verbal components.
And yeah, I was wondering if the staggering lack of Profession (sailor) would come up. Of course, where there's a will (and plentiful onyx,) there's a way. Though there's still the matter of navigating...
10437051
("Every Sperm is Sacred" plays in background.)
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Of course, why waste a perfectly good corpse.
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Well, who wouldn't.
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I don't think I can draw that well, but Sour Elf looks kinda like in the full pic on my blog (though with pointy ears and generally more elvish), Indigo's character is basically Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian (though with the same hair colour as Indigo), Lemon's character has her colour scheme but is taller, with horns (like every tiefling) and, as you can guess, wears a somewhat stripperific outfit. Sugarcoat's face is covered by her hood more often than not, but when it's not, her halfling looks deceptively not evil (his real name is Jolly Sackville-Baggins).
10436624
Well, things are going to go pear-shaped pretty soon...
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10436585
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One could say Sugarcoat became a pungeon master...
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Thanks for the suggestions
10437051
Well, I guess the latter part is easier to remember
10437149
"And before you ask, Sunset won't tell her anything either..."
They probably grow trees to naturally become ship-shaped or something like this. Speaking of nautical games, I recall reading about a 7th Sea campaign where the large part of the story actually took place on land (that is, until the players started to suspect the GM was too lazy to learn the rules of sea battles).
It's probably a silly place.
Well, Lemon occasionally forgets about the pony (or most of her equipment, for that matter).
And I'm not afraid to use it!
Also, speaking of healing, back in the high school I knew a girl who'd cure other female players by what derpibooru calls "asymmetrical docking" (it was usually asymmetrical because she had quite large assets, so to speak.
I should start a Monty Python references counter...
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Heh. By the way, since you like D&D, you might like this I came up with a while back: https://www.deviantart.com/regreme/journal/The-ideas-that-wouldn-t-let-me-go-808128721
I don't think I can draw that well, but Sour Elf looks kinda like in the full pic on my blog (though with pointy ears and generally more elvish), [What full picture??? I only see the rainbow in glasses so I don't know what you mean.] Indigo's character is basically Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian (though with the same hair colour as Indigo), [Fascinating! However, I am imagining a barbarian in a leather jacket. Need more detail] Lemon's character has her colour scheme but is taller, with horns (like every tiefling) and, as you can guess, wears a somewhat stripperific [I did not expect that, but okay. Any special patterns on body/face? Such seems to be a common thing for tieflings to have as Birthmarks] outfit. Sugarcoat's face is covered by her hood more often than not, but when it's not, her halfling looks deceptively not evil (his real name is Jolly Sackville-Baggins). { am simply imagining a hobbit with a cloak]
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I mean the full cover - I cropped it because it was too wide for a coverart:
camo.fimfiction.net/Rt7uk10DHsFgnxK-UTF8cw0RyZgJ_PpvxPFkXG2Kta4?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn.discordapp.com%2Fattachments%2F361571374210220034%2F752998657040842863%2FDungeons_and_Dimwits.png
Also, leather jacket for Indigo may work (actually, in the books Conan didn't just run in a loincloth all the time; I recall him in full plate during battles). As for Lemon's markings, she probably has some, but I didn't think that deep about it.
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I imagined something like The Invincible but organic.
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Heh.^^
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The newt thing is a reference to Monty Python.
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I'm aware, but thanks for the consideration.
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Btw, I forgot: Gmork is as ugly as you can imagine an orc/gnome hybrid.
Rereading this thing and laughing my ass off.
the Black Pearl