• Member Since 21st May, 2013
  • offline last seen 24 minutes ago

Samey90


I have no heart and my avatar makes everything sound sexual. Also, It's pronounced "sam-ee".

T

Wallflower and her friends from the gardening club go to the Dunwich Bonsai Fair with The Great Roberto, their prized bonsai tree. Seems like it's going to be a normal trip – as normal as a crowd of bonsai tree fanatics can be.

That is, until the clowns start showing up...

Set roughly in the same continuity as It's The End Of The World As We Know It and Dungeons and Dimwits, but actually self-contained.

Preread by hawthornbunny, FanOfMostEverything, Kirtai, and Krack-Fic Kai.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 51 )

based on a true story?

10626325

Damn, I was gonna say we should hang out.

Besides, what are the chances a random high school girl with an interest in gardening is a serial killer? I mean, we have access to shovels, woodchippers, axes, and all sorts of things useful in getting rid of bodies, but come on. When was the last time you’ve heard of a gardener killing somebody?

Farmers also have all the tools and ususally a wide space to bury the bodies. Also, you don't hear about the gardeners because they don't find the bodies.

Or maybe she’ll feed us to bunnies? I’ve heard they can eat everything.

On second thought, those were pigs. Moving on.

Actually, bunnies can eat their newborn. I've seen it. So theoretically you could dispose of a body like that.

After reading this, I've two questions:

1) What the fuck is this?

2) Can I pay you to make more?

10626415 Gardeners do not bury the bodies.

How wasteful.

That's what compost piles are for.

I'd never forget you, Samey.

Anyway, another Samey classic. Insane conversations, situations that seem implausible but actually flow logically, asides that make me go, "Wait, WHAT?!" It's gonna be a ride.

Appropriately enough, I'd forgotten I'd preread this. :twilightsheepish: Wonderful stuff, especially this take on Best Human. Looking forward to more.

10627292
Meanwhile, I forgot to reply to comments, but then, I had a crazy last week, so to speak.

10627001
One could say this fic is unforgettable...

10626759
Sooner or later the body does end up in the ground. Just in a more useful form.

10626415
I guess you'd need more bunnies to dispose of a body, though. Pigs can eat more, I guess.

Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind next time I encounter a tank.

If this is foreshadowing this will become the most awesome story ever.

Also wally/Muffing interactions are the best and I want more.

the Dunwich Bonsai Fair

I don't think Wallflower should there. Going anywhere prominently mentioned in one of H.P. Lovecraft is a terrible idea.

Stupid, sexy Muffins!

That can be taken so many damned ways...

Well, we have the setup for wacky/possibly lethal shenanigans. I can't wait to see how we end up where they did in the prologue.

“Would you maybe prefer ‘Flowey’?” Muffins asks.

If she keeps that up, she's getting a face full of friendliness pellets.

Muffins chuckles. “Does anyone even know how they work?”

Aligned electron spin axes.

Not sure how to feel about casually lewd Best Human, but I am enjoying Wallflower's overwhelming awkwardness. Definitely looking forward to seeing how this leads to their arrest.

10637027
Cue "Saving Private Blush" :rainbowlaugh:

10637199
Yeah, Dunwich Fishing Competition never ends well...

10637280
We'll get there soon.

10638231
Lewd or European? :raritywink:

“Wally, don’t be such a Wally Gator,”

I'm stealing this one

Okay, the scrambled eggs didn't come back to me, so that’s a plus. However, let me tell you: either my therapist sucked or those aren’t the pills I was looking for. At least that’s what the caterpillar sitting in the hotel’s lobby and smoking a hookah told me.

Honestly, other than the voices and images, I don't think normal Wally is much different than high Wally

I thought that after I accidentally ate those you stopped making them, but no!”

Lily, if you stopped eating them yourself you could turn a profit

Even worse, it was a video call and trust me, you don’t want to get a video call from Japan at 2 AM, when you’re wearing SpongeBob pajamas and there’s a sin pillow in your bed.

That's why I answer my phone with the camera buried inside the pillow

“Why’d you eat girl scouts?” I ask. “Someone may eventually notice that they keep disappearing near your house. Though then, maybe you don’t have to kidnap them often. I mean, assuming an average girl scout weighs between twenty and forty kilograms… It’s a lot of meat, even without the things like bones and merit badges. If you dump it in the freezer, it can feed you for months. Of course, it must be a big freezer and it’d be better to keep it in the basement or somewhere, because–”

Roseluck furrows her eyebrows. “Quick question: are you still high?”

When will people learn that you don't need drugs to set up a cannibal operation.

“I was just theorizing. Of course, I wouldn’t eat girl scouts. I’d need to do something with the meat, like add juniper and smoke it in my garden shed or–”

I'm not gonna lie that sounds delicious.

Muffins chuckles. “Also, remember the ‘Wild Wasteland’ perk from Fallout? I have that in real life. Maybe Wallflower does too.”

Hey! Another reason to like you. You're becoming one of my favorites very quickly.

So, now the clown thing starts making sense. I'm still hoping for that tank.

Great chapter, I can't wait to see what madness comes next.

I knew Wallflower was gonna get high. And now we've sent in the clowns. This is gonna get wild.

Juniper knew pretty much nothing about bonsai trees. She was, however, a smart girl. Probably still is. Definitely not someone who’d wreak havoc around the town with a magic stone because of being a hot mess.

I mean, strictly speaking, she's not entirely wrong.

“Guðrún Múffinsdottir,” Muffins says.

She's not a valkyrie, but she does play one on TV.

It’s a lot of meat, even without the things like bones and merit badges.

No, you've got to eat the merit badges! That's where all the nutrients are!

Might be too cold for that in October, though

Depends on the Harley. The original BTAS costume covers the whole body and has a hat.

Poor Wallflower. At least she didn't embarass herself too badly given her pharmeceutically altered state... for a given value of "too badly." Now, let's see just how badly this pub crawl goes.

10648517

When will people learn that you don't need drugs to set up a cannibal operation.

A cannibal operation, however, comes in handy when you get munchies.

10649682

No, you've got to eat the merit badges! That's where all the nutrients are!

Bonus points for absorbing the girl scout's powers.

Yes, I'm aware of the irony of forgetting to update a Wallflower fic for two days...

It's only natural

“Nah, we’re not killing Miss Cheerilee.” Roseluck furrows her eyebrows. “No matter if she wants to blow up the Earth or just Big Mac. Though in the latter case there’d be no ‘up’.”

This got me laughing for a while :rainbowlaugh:

Oh girl, you have no idea. With all the things I’ve been through in my life, clowns are the least of my worries.

Wallflower: *vietnam flashbacks*

“Did you know that some guy designed a rollercoaster that is supposed to kill every passenger with extreme g-forces?” Muffins smiles and kicks the carousel. “As if the normal ones weren’t crazy enough.”

“Seems they left in a hurry.” Daisy points at the checkerboard on the table. Apparently the clowns had no pieces, as they used ammo in their place. “They didn’t even finish the game.”

“Yeah, but maybe the guy with .45 ACP resigned,” I say. “The guy with 9x19 mm Parabellum has three kings, represented here by shotgun shells and while his opponent has one,” I point at the 5.56x45 mm NATO cartridge standing on the board, “he also has less pieces left.”

“Should I be worried?” Roseluck asks.

“That I play checkers?”

“No, that you, of all people, know the names of all those bullets.” Roseluck replies.

“Cartridges.” I take one of the .45 ACP rounds. “Bullet is just this part, but there’s also the case, rim, primer, and propellant.”

“That doesn’t make me any less worried!” Roseluck exclaims.

“Oh come on, I don’t want to shoot anyone!” I sigh. “I just get really weird YouTube recommendations.”

(also, the new chapter totally doesn't reveal that among Wallflower's favourite things are checkers, guns, and t-shirts with cartoon characters).

I loved this, specially because I also like chekers and get those youtube recomendations. :rainbowlaugh:

So the jig is finally up. I really loved Wallflower's angel and devil, and now I guess comes the conclusion to this madness.

I felt like I was high reading this.

the Dunwich Horror – an absolute monstrosity of a sandwich consisting of like, a gigantic bread roll filled with bacon, ham, pickles, three kinds of cheese, four kinds of lettuce, tomatoes, and various sauces.

Ah yes, the out-of-towners version. A proper Dunwich Horror is even bigger, incorporates alien geometry, and is entirely invisible. Also, eating it may cause you to see visions of Yog-Sothoth. Who is often represented a a collection of silvery spheres. Bubbles, one might say...
Yeah, this sandwich was practically made for Best Human.

Eventually I settle for a smaller version of The Dunwich Horror.

Also known as the Wilbur Whateley.

Pinkie wasn’t happy when I ate more cupcakes than her once.

Now that's impressive.

If you read Verne, then you may remember that Snæfellsjökull showed up in Journey to the Centre of the Earth, and of course everyone remembers Eyjafjallajökull…

Oh dear, she's speaking in tongues. Looks like they did put on the Great Sauce of Yith. :raritywink:

She’s telling him that they need to bring their kids to this pub one day. I’m pretty sure the guy just started to book the plane somewhere far away.

Nah, Flash is too much of a sweetheart to flee the country over that. Besides, if that's enough to make you skip town, you shouldn't be dating Best Human in the first place.

Did you know that some guy designed a rollercoaster that is supposed to kill every passenger with extreme g-forces?

I didn't know this was a Rollercoaster Tycoon crossover.

“I’m calling the police and we call it a day.” She grabs her phone. “Oh great, no signal.”

So... it cut out just after she finished looking up what closed down the park? Or was Muffins on the creepy, abandoned amusement park's unsecured WiFi?

Hello, Mr. Clown, do you maybe have my bonsai tree?

I half-expected someone to say "Oh, you're Wallflower Blush! Sorry about that."

I think Wallflower's best defense is that this is too convoluted and ridiculous for anyone to make up. Plus, the photo in the pub is actually a fantastic way to corroborate the story. We'll see what the local police think of the situation soon enough.

Peak Muffins and peak Wallflower.
How could this be any better :)

10663633
Then there's the Dunwich coffee shop, where the barista will make sure your Mega Grande has a foam face on top.

(Dunwich is actually pretty normal nowadays, except for the occasional underground noises. Oh, and avoid digging in any of the oddly symmetrical hills. And also stay away from Improbably Deep glen...)

10662901

I loved this, specially because I also like chekers and get those youtube recomendations.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty good at chess, but whenever I try checkers, I get owned.

10663633

Bubbles, one might say...

So she is a Great Old One after all :derpyderp2:

So... it cut out just after she finished looking up what closed down the park? Or was Muffins on the creepy, abandoned amusement park's unsecured WiFi?

The park doesn't like people revealing its secrets, I guess.

10664505

(Dunwich is actually pretty normal nowadays, except for the occasional underground noises. Oh, and avoid digging in any of the oddly symmetrical hills. And also stay away from Improbably Deep glen...)

Also, don't check out the sewers (although this may have been Derry, Maine).

“Those are gardeners,” Lily says as we try to get through the crowd. “How crazy can they get?”

I swear, someone has to punch her for that line. :D

Oh, so this is where the dead clown comes in. Also, I hear you on the wrid YouTube recommendations, Wallflower.

Meanwhile, Daisy takes over talking to the people interested in watching The Great Roberto. She’s actually surprisingly good at it, although she sometimes goes off on really weird tangents.

So... 90% of the dialog in this fic? :D

Oh, what a cliffhanger! I do hope they'll all be okay!

“Okay.” Muffins turns to me. “What about you?”

“I can’t play pool.” I reply.

What do you mean can't Wally? Do you lack coordination or has the state forbbiden you to do it?

“Would you kindly put some clothes on?” I ask.

Powerful phrase. Familiar phrase?

Thirty people? I’m not sure I know that many people in real life.

I'm not sure I do either :rainbowderp:

“Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”

Are you assuming Wallflower smokes?

I turn towards her and throw her my best right hook at her. Ouch! I think I broke something in my hand, but at least I gave her a bloody nose.

You see Wally, you don't punch a nose with your fist, you need to hit them with the lower part of your open palm in an upwards motion so your forearm absorbs all the impact.

“Wait, are you telling me that a thin, cross-eyed teenager handed your ass to you?”

She defeated the Dunwitch Horror, you guys are just snacks in comparison

“Yes, but I at least brought that little hobo here!” the woman exclaims. Wait, little hobo? How rude!

Oh no, they got Scootaloo!

As soon as it opens, I let out a scream and kick the first person who shows up.

Great... now what was the second step?

Wait. Why didn’t I get a cool demon form? Life is really not fair.

images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/36d85e5d-de29-479c-bfc4-ca7e6be9a733/dcwla9p-7fe6531f-b2b6-4813-9791-7c19a87eab6f.png/v1/fill/w_1192,h_670,q_70,strp/demon_wallflower_blush_by_legendary_spider_dcwla9p-pre.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3siaGVpZ2h0IjoiPD0zODQwIiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvMzZkODVlNWQtZGUyOS00NzljLWJmYzQtY2E3ZTZiZTlhNzMzXC9kY3dsYTlwLTdmZTY1MzFmLWIyYjYtNDgxMy05NzkxLTdjMTlhODdlYWI2Zi5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9NjgzMCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.u_24hPBf7J8Qkz_p13yPM0LFtf3H6F4KUYG0WkOgXJ8

I'm surprised this continued after the confusion got cleared. Will Tempest come save them with an AK? Will the clows have a tank Wallflower can fight against? I can't wait for the next chapter.

10671233
"What do you mean can't Wally? Do you lack coordination or has the state forbbiden you to do it?"

I imagine Wallflower is forbidding Wallflower from doing it. Coordinated or not, if you've never played before and have never learned the rules and techniques, some practice is required before you graduate from "embarrassingly bad."

Why, of all the people, I had to get kidnapped with her?

This doesn't sound right.

"Doctor Sour Note"? Sour Sweet's parent in this take on EqG?

or that I got rescued by Timber Spruce, who then made a picture of me out of macaroni.

Eh, he does that with every pretty girl he meets. It's like Princess Celestia and stained-glass windows, only on a tighter budget.

And he was like, ‘I love you too, I just–’ and I was like ‘Is it because I’m not a horse?’

With Flash, it's a valid question.

Wait. Why didn’t I get a cool demon form?

The question isn't "Why didn't Wallflower get a demon form?" It's "Does anyone remember Wallflower in her demon form?"
Okay, it's a stretch, but I like the idea of her becoming some unspeakable, Lethean horror that the mind refuses to record.

In any case, the cross-eyed cavalry is likely on the way, but Best Human does have to track down the clowns. We'll see where this goes from here. And who's looking after The Great Roberto in all of this?

10671229

So... 90% of the dialog in this fic? :D

i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/650/747/aaf.png
(although I must say it's the first time I researched cheese for a fic).

10671233

What do you mean can't Wally? Do you lack coordination or has the state forbbiden you to do it?

Probably a bit of both (she managed to injure someone with a ball).

Are you assuming Wallflower smokes?

If she does, no one remembers about it.

You see Wally, you don't punch a nose with your fist, you need to hit them with the lower part of your open palm in an upwards motion so your forearm absorbs all the impact.

She needs to work on her combat skills (guns tend to run out of ammo, after all).

Great... now what was the second step?

Die fighting and go to Valhalla, I guess.

Also, that's some nice demon form. Shame no one remembers encountering it.

10671395
How so?

10671996

"Doctor Sour Note"? Sour Sweet's parent in this take on EqG?

Mother, to be exact. Though funnily enough, her parents were not named in It's the End of the World as We Know It, even though her siblings, uncle, and at least one cousin were mentioned by name.

Eh, he does that with every pretty girl he meets. It's like Princess Celestia and stained-glass windows, only on a tighter budget.

I just imagined Timber having a whole basement of them. Unless he gave it to Wallflower, then she probably keeps it on some kind of "I spoke totally normally with someone" shrine.

The question isn't "Why didn't Wallflower get a demon form?" It's "Does anyone remember Wallflower in her demon form?"
Okay, it's a stretch, but I like the idea of her becoming some unspeakable, Lethean horror that the mind refuses to record.

Even Wallflower doesn't remember that form. It had way too many dimensions to comprehend.

10672720
Hard to describe, but the "I had to get" doesn't flow right?
It feels like a stutter when you read it out loud.


Edit: wow, managed to reply to myself.

“She doesn’t mean that thing with Moses and his staff,” Lily says. Well, Tempest’s expression tells me about the same thing. I’m not really good with history; I only know the fun things, like that the Samurai era ended in 1868 and fax machines were invented in 1843, so technically a Samurai could use a fax machine.

I actually looked up the bit about the fax machine. Samey, nice job! :) Anyway, all's well that ends... well? Hmm, the gang's all alive and only slightly mentally-scarred. Yeah, this was a good ending for them.

And thus ends another wacky adventure with some shenanigans and hopefully a sequel. :D

Great fic, Samey. Just damned funny with some good action sprinkled about.

Muffin is best narrator

bte

the late Halligan Bar, who couldn’t even tell his own car from the other one.

van

meddling kids

Ooh, Scooby reference.

What a wild ride. I find the thoguht of Muffins getting high terrifying taking into account her usual way of thinking, and also, her view of Wallflower got me laughing everytime it happened.

Great work Samey! Can't wait for your next proyect!

PS: Sadly, there was no tank at the end :ajsleepy:

“Do I want to know how you went from torturing POWs to lawnmowers?” Lily asks, looking at me unsurely.
“It’s simple, I divided fifteen by Friday,” I reply.

Flawless logic.

“You too?” Flash sighs. “Is there anyone here who didn’t?”

I like the implication that Flash and Muffins both found artifacts of their own.

Hilarious madness throughout. And a friendship between Wallflower and Juniper... maybe. Very different personalities, but if they can find some common ground, they'll be able to make something work. Still an iffy prospect. In any case, thank you for a wonderful exercise in absurdity.

So... Tempest is Russian or just the soldier of fortune who travelled far and wide?

10682627
Fixed :twilightsmile:

10682609
Not as good for the clowns, I guess, though I think the guy prefers prison over Wallflower.

10683795
The latter. Funnily enough, my first idea was to make her swear in Chechen, but then I found out that if Chechens curse, they usually do so in Russian because swearing in their native language is considered serious business.

10683329
Now I wonder what'd happen if they did. And which of them would be scarier.

10682677
There may be a tank in the sequel, though...

Spring Clean and May Queen

I didn't pay these two much attention at first, but then...

“Okay, but what about the rest of the garden?” Spring Clean asks. “Like, if there’s a bustle in my hedgerow?”

“Don’t be alarmed now,” Roseluck replies.

I've a feeling that most people aren't gonna get that reference. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, waiting for the amazing extended live bonsai solo (part of which will probably be played with a violin bow)

10696217
Does the bonsai have two main branches?

Dan

The Holiday Special is a masterpiece and certainly more canon than any of the Disneywars bad fanfiction.

Dan

I don't care whether it's Wally or Waldo. I am pissed at how the classics have been censored to heck and back since the 90s.

Taking out the topless lady on the beach and putting the mankini on the Olympic Stadium Streaker is one thing, but what's the big idea with replacing the train-hopping hobos with space aliens? And there was nothing offensive about Ali Baba and the Land of Flying Carpets. Kuso.

11148027

Ali Baba and the Land of Flying Carpets

I guess someone got offended by that. But then, it's literally the first thing people usually think about.

“Hey, don’t judge me,” I reply, looking down at my t-shirt. This one has Scrat from Ice Age on it, looking like something bad is about to happen to him. To think about it, he’s my spirit animal.

Same

“Kids these days.” The biker shakes her head and drops Lily. “In Chechnya, after you threaten to shoot someone in the knee, they flip you off.” She shrugs. “Well, sometimes they’d yell ‘gerza ma tooghalah’!’. After a while, someone told me that it meant ‘don’t shoot’.”

I asked one police Spec Ops guy who was on service in Chechnya, and he said that "don’t shoot" in Chechen will be "Gerz ma detta".

11372515
Well, guess this one is shorter and easier to say.

Muffins' descriptions of the Shadowbolts are the best. :derpytongue2:

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