• Member Since 17th Mar, 2013
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Wherein unreasonably well-groomed Vikings crash a wedding.

Cover art by Maxima. Written for the Pride and Positivity event.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 84 )

There came a wail of realisation from Gestenc. “Oh no! You blasted Vikings! You’ve used your seductive wiles of bathing on my betrothed!”


“I’ve been doing some research on that front. Do you have plumbing? I could tell you all about plumbing.”

“Gosh, you do know the way to a woman’s heart. Tell me all about it after.”

Perfection. :rainbowlaugh:

Needed a laugh today (every day...). Thanks for providing!

oh no what have you done

Happy to provide it! :pinkiehappy:

God's work, Swan.

This is perfection. There is nothing bad about it.

A wonderful tale of Viking strength and savagery with their good grooming habits and stalwart physical appearances.

Take me now, Rarity!!

I bet you say that to all the Viking horse AUs. :raritywink:

Thank you, Olden! :twilightsmile:

Well, this was silly.

... though with so much emphasis on, uh, smell, it almost reads like a very specific kink? Though to be fair, "somebody who doesn't smell like a horse" isn't exactly an, uh, exotic preference now that I think about it.

If nothing else this vaguely makes me want to go back to that Swashbuckling Rarijack AU I whipped up not that long ago. HMMM.

Glad the silliness came through! The emphasis on smell's pretty much just riffing on the John of Wallingford quote and the natural implications thereof. As well as the fact that I'm an utter child and go for the lowest-common-denominator insult every time.

Picking up that Swashbuckling AU's an excellent notion. The world's a merrier place for more of those in it. :pinkiehappy:

Every day, my list of, "What the hell...?" fics grows even longer.

Glad to swell their ranks. :twilightsmile:

The answer came a second later, when someone outside screamed.

“Bloody Vikings at it again!”

Screamed by someone who looked suspiciously like Eric Idle in a dress.

“Me!” she blurted, charging her way past confused and odorous Anglo-Saxons, making straight for the startled Sjaldgæfni. “Pillage me.”

I snorted half a can of Pepsi there. Darn you.

Quick, somebody go tell Monochromatic.


But where in the nine realms is Nossex?

We need more Viking AUs.

The best supporting character.

Mono's all-too aware, and isn't as horrified as she ought to be of the horrors she helped inspire.

Sussex, Essex, and Wessex seemed to be missing a cardinal direction. I fixed them. :raritywink:

I keep suggesting to knighty that he remake this whole site to be 'VikingAUFiction', and one day he'll answer my emails, I'm sure of it.

Are you sure he hasn't filed ya to spam? It happened to me once. I tried suggesting to someone he do a Ninja MLP AU thing.... and after about 20 or 50 emails he just filed me to spam! I mean you think you know fellas.... maybe the 150th one will do the charm.

Look what you've done.

I battled Ivar the Spleenless himself, and scoured Thorvald Squidfiddler’s raiders off the face of Nossex.

This is art.

Also, this isn't the first time I've heard the word "fyrd" in the past twenty-four hours. I wonder what kind of omen that is...

In any case, brilliant work. Given Sjaldgæfni's purple locks, I'd like to think that this is canon in the history of Equestria Girls. Also that reincarnation is a thing in that world. Thank you for this.


Also, this isn't the first time I've heard the word "fyrd" in the past twenty-four hours. I wonder what kind of omen that is...

When Fate's coughing meaningfully at you to write your own Anglo-Saxon/Viking AU, I found it was best to just yield and give Fate what it wanted. I urge you to do the same.

Glad you like it! This could well make for a suitably mad history to the Equestria Girls setting.

To be perfectly blunt, how is it MLP?

I'd say the presence of Twilight and Rarity keeps it MLP, where they've been adapted to the setting but with an effort made to stay true to their underlying characters. There's a good bit of distance between this and the show, I'll happily admit that, but I don't think there's a total disconnect.

If the title is supposed to invoke the rainbow bridge to Asgård, are you sure it's not Bifrost?
I've never seen it spelled with an ö before.

I thought so too. When looking it up, I found that the Wikipedia article seems to insist on the ö, though, and I deferred to it.

I have heard, and keep in mind I cannot recall the source so it may be apocryphal, that Vikings had an interesting hygiene ritual. Aforesaid Viking, upon waking from wherever he fell asleep the night before would accept a bowl of water, pour some in his mouth, swish it around a bit and then spit it back into the bowl. Suitably refreshed, the same bowl, now with extra bits in it, would then be passed onto the next viking warrior who would then do the the same thing. Repeat ad nauseum.

I did like your story. Twilight's husband presumptive was well described. His odor was almost tangible, quite a feat in written word. That said, the story of Viking hygiene previously mentioned was on my mind as I read about Rarity. It created a bit of cognitive dissonance.

edit: minor correction

That sounds like it could be Ibn Fadlan's account! I think he travelled amongst a different group of Vikings - the Kievan Rus, rather those who'd settled in the Danelaw in England. Either different hygiene customs among different Viking groups, or relative hygiene standards. Imagine if the poor man had ever met this story's Anglo-Saxons.

As I understand it, Bifröst is the Icelandic spelling. The other Nordic languages (Swedish/Norwegian/Danish) all use Bifrost.
Source: am Swedish.

Much obliged for clarifying!

Does Old Norse use ö or o, do you happen to know? If it's the former, that might explain why English-language Wikipedia uses the spelling.

As far as I'm aware (also Swedish), Bifröst is a common Old Norse spelling, and definitely appropriate. There are many variations, however. In general, Icelandic is often closer to the Old Norse than other Scandinavian languages, and to me definitely evokes more of an "olden" feeling. That may be biased due to being more familiar with the Swedish spelling, though.

'Tis a thing of beauty! :raritywink:
...and the Old Norse spelling is 'Bifrǫst'. But that's really not important here ;)

Much obliged! I'd heard that Icelandic was closest to Old Norse (hence my picking on it when I wanted a translation for Rarity), and it and Old Norse sharing the ö seems to tie up.


'Tis a thing of beauty!

Thank you! :twilightsmile:

...and the Old Norse spelling is 'Bifrǫst'.

...oh god, that's a different accent.

I couldn't figure out it had anything to do with MLP even after I read the whole thing. Was about to report it for not having anything to do with MLP until I read the authors note. Certainly amusing but there's nothing within the work itself that clearly indicates MLP in any way.

Oh my goodness. Tracking this in the hope of more updates someday. Wonderfully silly =D

That's fair enough. If I ever expanded it, I'd likely include more elements that tied it that bit more overtly to MLP.

Glad you like it! No promises of eventual updates, but I do have a couple of ideas should I decide to take this further.

This was fun I need a viking Pinkie Pie.


Give her a longship and a mead problem, and we're set. :pinkiehappy:

Gestenc more like Gestank

For real though I looked it up and the dude's name is Stink. I thought it was Blueblood or somebody but nope, it's just a guy who stinks so bad it's his name.

I'm glad it's now generally understood that vikings were a clean people. Thanks to historians and educators, ancient pieces of propaganda are finally dying out! Suck it, ibn Fadlan. Why'd you lie so bad.


....honestly I randomly found this, clicked the source for the image, then got the weird idea that this was another Mono alt and not just...another person who enjoys doing silly RariTwi AUs. Still, this was entertaining and very silly

Well... at least you know Vikings are sexy... I should be tickled pink...

Yeah. I'm honestly mildly surprised this made it through moderation. Not so much "serial numbers filed off" as "sawed right through the material".

Anyways, from what I know, Anglo-Saxons did bathe at times, especially before their weddings, and they took care of their nails and hair in particular. Also, they knew perfumes. Soo...

Given that a major part of the fandom is an Official Highschool Girls AU , all this fussing about it not being sufficiently MLP amuses me. I for one knew it had Rarity in it as soon as I saw the cover pic, and suspected the other girl of being Twilight once she started on about plumbing. My one objection was that Gestenc didn't have a name which meant something like "Filthy Rich." :pinkiehappy:

Viking AUs? We definitely could use some of those: say one where Queen Celestia of Horseland sends Twilight off a Vikin' to make some friends (with her fellow raiders, that is) and they end up preventing Ragnarok or something. :raritywink:

I think this is a perfect sequel pic for this:



I am constantly surprised by how few people acknowledge that hygienic behavior isn't a modern invention, and had a place in every era of human history. Just the same as unhygienic people.

It's a good safeguard for humility in the future, I think. If I ever get airs or pretensions or start thinking I'm a cut above other writers, all I need is to be reminded I literally called a bloke 'Stinky'.

Mono is one of these pernicious influences, especially on the subject of Raritwi AUs.

Strapping and well-groomed types can't help but merit that descriptor. Even if they're hell-bent on pillaging and whatnot.

Put this through auto-approval. If a moderator double-checks this, I'll plead the presence of a Rarity and a Twilight, but if they reckon it's too removed from the source, I can see how they'd conclude that.

I'm sure the Anglo-Saxons attended to basic cleanliness too, especially before important events. This is largely just cruelty at the expense of John of Wellingford. :raritywink:

Equestria Girls being Viking-themed from the outset could have only made it all the more marvellous. If you've got to have bipeds, may as well have them in a realm of wonders and adventure akin to Equestria. :pinkiehappy:


It's a curious blind-spot that lots of people don't seem to interrogate enough. Folk'll generally try to make themselves as well-groomed as their circumstances'll let them, whether they're someone in the modern day or an unreasonably beautiful Viking raider.

As I understand it, 17th century was probably the zenith of stinkiness (or nadir of hygiene) in Europe.

Well, that was fun! :D

[looks up John of Wallingford]
Ah, yes. This story wasn't my first introduction to Norse hygiene. Mind you, as I first learned of it from my mother, she and thus I have Scandinavian ancestry, and I wasn't even raised Christian, the interpretation of said hygiene was rather more in line with Deorcung's than John of Wallingford's. :D

(That said... I think there may possibly be a few tiny details of this story that fall short of 100% historical accuracy. :D
But, you know.
Comedy. :D)

"Sussex, Essex, and Wessex seemed to be missing a cardinal direction. I fixed them. :raritywink:"
...The pun has backing. Oh, that is brilliant. :D

Er. Seriously? People do that? I mean, sure, some things like Viking hygiene might be more obscure, but what about, at the very least (for European and European-descended cultures, at least), Roman baths?

While this is, don't get me wrong, a delightful read, I cannot help but wonder what it's doing on this site? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with ponies?

Now, to be fair, said Highschool AU also started out with an Equestrian Princess following the trail of an Equestrian criminal and in the process, infecting a human world with Equestrian magic that only the reflections of her friends from back in Equestria seem able to handle without turning into crazed demons. That's kind of a closer connection than this piece here, no? Pretending Equestria Girls is just a Highschool AU is a bit dishonest.

Viking AU always reminds me of this piece:

Accounts from Samuel Pepys can reliably make one glad to live a few centuries on from his time.

Never have a 17th century gentleman over as a guest in your house. Christ.


That said... I think there may possibly be a few tiny details of this story that fall short of 100% historical accuracy.

I'll have you know that Thorvald Squidfiddler's ravaging of Nossex was vital in the making of England as we know it today.

Er. Seriously? People do that? I mean, sure, some things like Viking hygiene might be more obscure, but what about, at the very least (for European and European-descended cultures, at least), Roman baths?

I feel there's this general notion that once Rome left the picture, with its baths and aqueducts and rapacious imperialism and such, the Dark Ages set in where Europe generally forgot to so much as bath itself, and it took the Renaissance to remind Europe how. Historical junk, aye, but good fodder for historical piss-taking as well.

Rarity and Twilight feature, albiet under Old Norse and Old English names, and I've tried to hew close to their characters in the context of the setting. The connection to pony's loose, fair to say, but I'd say it's not totally absent.

Where's that picture from? Whatever the story happening there is, it seems fascinating.


Heh, aye. :)
(And yeah, as I believe someone else already mentioned in the comments, it wasn't just the Norse, either. I believe I recall, in fact, that bathhouses remained widespread across much of Europe up until some plagues quite a while after the fall of Rome put people off the idea of sharing bathwater in large groups... or something like that. Been a bit since I learned of it.)

(Also, yeah, I don't see the "not close enough to pony" issue here. I mean, okay, maybe if you don't try and translate the names, but there's still Rarity's description, their characterization... Granted, it's still a bit far, but there are others a ways away on the site too.)

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