• Member Since 27th Mar, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Nightsclaw


So, what to say here?

T
Source

Twilight did her duty, she saved everypony she could except her self. Now trapped by an evil cult, in more pain than she has even been in before and dying on a sacrificial altar she calls for help, the Nightmare answers.

Will Twilight become the next evil to threaten the world or will the Nightmare simply be glad to have some freedom? One thing is for certain Twilight's life will never be the same again.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 89 )

This is an interesting premise. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this.

Okay, your premise is solid and your writing shows a lot of potential, but you're in desperate need of an editor. This story is rife with spelling and grammar errors. You have a good grasp of setting the scene and drawing the reader into the story, but you need to give it a few more read throughs and fix the really obvious errors.

Try using the read aloud function this site offers and listen to the story being read. It'll help you find the typos more easily.

I agree with JD McGregor. While I won't go into grammar issues I went through part of the second chapter and found these as examples. I like the premise and the handling of the characters. Good luck.
#1 Keep Freinds safe.
pinning her form to [ missing word] alter.
and a dangerous for at worse
spikes pining her from to the alter
Queen would be better by Princess would do

9827759
Thank you for both your kind words and the advice, using the read-aloud function is a very good idea II will go through both chapters and see what I can catch.

9827675
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to get a positive comment. I hope I can keep you entertained as I move the story forward.

9827808
Thank you for your kind words and help. I will get right on to fixing the mistakes you pointed out and see what other ones I can spot.

A checklist popped up in her mental space. Held in the hooves of a little unicorn Twilight. Was her host insane, or was she? Like it mattered.
#1 Keep Friends safe.
#2 Stop blood loss.
#3 Restore magic.
#4 Removed the spikes pinning her form to the alter.
#5 Restore mobility.
#6 Repair any remaining damage.
#7 Deal with the twelve cultists.
#8 Escape the Lost Temple of the hidden path.
#9 Write a report to Princess Celestia.

Even as a mere fraction of Twilight Sparkle's mind, with everything that's going on, and how badly she's been hurt, the fact that keeping her friends safe is her number 1 priority speaks volumes of how much Little Star cares for them. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a heart that can handle this level of d'aw.

Mm, much potential you have, though an editor you need. Great things from you, look forward to do I.

As a quick note for you, you're using the wrong alter. Alter means to change something, you want altar, as in the item from a church. Highlighting this one specifically since it's in your description and chapter name, and thus might be more offputting to some people.

Other than that, and a number of other errors, as others have said, an interesting premise, I look forward to seeing where you go with it.

While your writing ability leaves a little to be desired, I value a novel concept much more and I eagerly await the next episodes.

9828547
Thank you for your kind words and thank you so very much for catching that I feel like such a fool now.

Looks like she's having a nightmare.

Like a moth to the flame or a shark to the scent of blood, I come...

In all seriousness though, this story has is off to an interesting start. Take a like and track. :pinkiesmile:

Still interesting so far, and you've stepped up your grammar game too I see. Very nice, can't wait for more. :pinkiesmile:

An interesting chapter. Though i have a minor correction to the following sentences.

Each leg had four brakes marked; the front right one had its hoof crossed off. Each limb had its brakes in the exact same locations, that is not something that could happen in an accident, was it?

when mentioning a broken bone it's called a fracture, so the senteces should probably be the following instead

Each leg had four fractures marked; the front right one had its hoof crossed off. Each limb had its fractures in the exact same locations, that is not something that could happen in an accident, was it?

Still a great chapter, and i'm eagerly looking forward to the next one. :twilightsmile:

Well now, isn't this a curious find? I will most certainly be keeping track of this one. As others have said before, an editor would absolutely do wonders in terms of overall quality. That said, the characters (even if there are only four right now) are absolutely fantastic.

Twilight being smart enough to scare a nominally evil spirit is slightly amusing, and "Little Star" morbidly so.

The Nightmare's thoughts are suitably alien, as are it's priorities. It will be interesting to see how she develops with Twilight in the Co-Pilot's seat.

"Little Star" will inevitably become the thing that "humanizes" Nightmare, I think. But that is for a later time.

Now for the villan, and oh boy do I hope that he both dies a painful death yet lives long enough to become a serious threat. He gives me a very Orochimaru vibe, (and if you are unaware of who he is, then all I'm saying is that all the antagonist really cares about is accomplishing his goal and the suffering of others is an amusing distraction besides.)

Sorry for the wordy critique, but in essence I look forward to seeing how this goes.

Sincerely,
Hunter Redflame.

As others have said, you have a pretty novel and unique premise here. However, I really do recommend you get someone to check your grammar and such.

I'd offer to do it for you, but my schedule is pretty unpredictable. If you're okay with that, I can offer what services I can.

P.S. Definitely not trying to corrupt you with dark magic or anything, nope. :pinkiehappy:

Really liking it so far, let's see how it turns out

Promising, indeed, I'm glad I wasn't dissuaded by that full stop in the chapter title xD

Looking forward to more o/

My attention, you have it.

56

Almost unreadable due to grammar and punctuation issues, but entertaining nonetheless.

9828697
Thank you, I am trying to inproved my writing that is one of the reasons I am writing. I hope what I have planned next keeps your interest.

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9829345
Nice entrance to the comments. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.
I was given the great suggestion to use the sites read-aloud function to help spot mistakes and that alone has been responsible for the improvement.

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Thank you very much. I hope I can continue to keep you interested.

9830663
Thanks, these types of stories that have a darker focus around Twilight really do draw me like a moth to the flame, and this is an interesting one. I actually used to do the exact same thing before I started writing my stories on Plot Factory, which is a great site for writers by the way (I recommend checking it out). If you like these kinds of stories, I've written plently of them if you wanna check those out too.

Either way keep up the good work. :twilightsmile:

9830046
Thank you very much for your interest and this well thought out critique. No need for apologies the fact you were willing to spend the time to write it means a lot to me.
I do hope you find the rest of the story interesting.

All the best
~Nightsclaw

I’ve got to say, this story has a really interesting premise and I’m quite interested in seeing where you’ll take this. The grammar and spelling issues have also vastly improved over the last chapter. Great job!

I feel like this is on the border of mature gore if not past it. Good story so far though.

Are they going to team up and fight crime like a super heroine after they escape?

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Wouldn't a writing assistant app help too? like Grammarly or pro writing aid?

Adding insult to injury at least ninety per cent of the runes restraining her was based on a research paper she published two years ago. A moment of wry humour flitted through her mind at least she could say she did excellent work, they had better have accredited her for this.

Fyi, percent is one word, not two. Despite how it sounds when you say it.

Wonderful! I cant wait for more!

good start, cant wait for more,
why do I feel Twilgiht and Nightmare are going to need a long talk about some limits and other thing in share a body, I can see something like nightmare able to use bod 24hrs once a week but not allow to attack any of the pricness, the sun or try to take over the world, but allow to prank sunbutt as much as she want, or take over to keep twilight save in combat

It's a bit rough, but a wonderful concept. One that I look forward to seeing more of.

Let me guess: The evil cult worships Nightmare Moon, and this was all a part of their plan.

9831511
Umm they clearly stated that were sombra cultists

Looks like Nightmare underestimated the PTSD of an OCD Alicorn with a mind like Twilights. Should've had a chat with her host before doing anything.

welp 8/10 on the escape plan.

Wow, I say I want more and there it is!
...
I want a ten thousand dollars in cash!
...
Damn...

9831805
maybe it only works if it's not something you have to do. Quick! Ask for me to make ten grand!

Huh, so the previous chapter runs directly alongside this one. Clever. You really are directing the scenes well, I look forward to the next chapter.

9831932
why only 10k when you can get 10 billion?

Well that's not a good thing.

An editor you need, to guide through the words.

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