Pain, glorious pain. After so long of feeling nothing, even this pain was bliss. She wanted to stretch and flex her body, but that would be most unwise injured as she was. The bright light was something she could do without though.
Slowly she started taking stock of her situation, but her host's intellect beat her to it. Ah, the analytical mind of my host is so useful. She thought as almost automatically the facts about the situation were sorted, ordered and assessed. Twilight was a truly willing host, not fighting her, not resisting and now even helping her. I could get used to this.
A checklist popped up in her mental space. Held in the hooves of a little unicorn Twilight. Is my host insane, or am I? She thought before discarding the idea. Like it mattered.
#1 Keep Friends safe.
#2 Stop blood loss.
#3 Restore magic.
#4 Remove the spikes pinning her form to the altar.
#5 Restore mobility.
#6 Repair any remaining damage.
#7 Deal with the twelve cultists.
#8 Escape the Lost Temple of the hidden path.
#9 Write a report to Princess Celestia.
The Spirit looked at the proud and happy seeming unicorn, her smile at being helpful beaming. The Spirit returned the happy expression; she could not help it, this little foal of a unicorn was cute and seemed so utterly devoted to her.
Thirty-five thousand and twenty-seven. Her host's mind informed her. The little unicorn joyfully trotted off to update a count on another scroll that appeared. Oh, the blood dripping, my host's mind is still counting them, that could get annoying. She thought.
She looked at the unicorn she was imagining. If this little foal is going to be my mental assistant, I will have to name her. She considered for a long moment.
"I shall call you Little Star" The Spirit spoke.
Star did a little happy dance, "Yes Princess Nightmare," joy radiating from Star's tone.
Each item on the provided list had many facts and recommendations linked to them, most of them Nightmare would ignore. She had better options, she planned on using her abilities. Most of the spells Twilight was recommending were unnecessary and would not work without a horn.
Protect her friends? That was not one she was expecting but should have. She was feeling generous, she was free and her host was willing after all, doing little things like this would help keep her host happy Twilight's mind was far too useful to give up as a resource if such simple things could keep it allied.
Stopping the blood loss, simple, in fact, items two through six could be efficiently dealt with at the same time.
Deal with the cultists, oh she would deal with them alright. They had damaged her host, and even with this opportunity they had given her, she would show them no mercy. Any that wanted to become like Sombra would be a rival at best and a dangerous foe at worse. So she would gladly deal with them.
Escape the Temple; The fact Twilight managed to work out where she was in the world by noting the scents in the air, the types of stone the cave was made of, some of the markings on the walls and many other small almost unnoticeable details cross-referenced with her extensive collection of knowledge, most impressive.
Nightmare almost rejected number nine send a report to Celestia out of hand before considering it would be one way to buy more time before she was discovered, she would think about it.
Looking around as best as she could oh, that was cruel of them one of the spikes pinning her body to the altar was Twilight's horn. Well, piercing through the chest is not where that needs to be, at least it is still in contact.
The horn melted in the shadow made mist before creeping over her form back to its proper place slowly solidifying once more.
A gasp escaped Nightmare, magic, unicorn magic and all the sensations of the Arcane that came with it flooded back. The world felt alive like she was blind and now had her sight restored. A new layer of depth to reality revelled, almost as if everything had another dimension. She could feel Twilight smiling in her mind. Twilight's special talent was back.
Star clapped her hooves together, "that was amazing, Princess."
Nightmare smirked she could get used to being called Princess, Queen would be better, but Princess would do, Star was just so adorable... why was that even a point she was considering?
"And that was just the start" Nightmare Spoke with pride her body rippled dissolving into a cloud of miasma leaving the enchanted silver rods behind.
Star watched with rapped attention, a new scroll hastily written upon.
Nightmare felt herself relax, as lovely as any physical sensation felt being free from the pain she was glad to be rid of it. She must have spent a few minutes just resting as an almost formless cloud.
Reforming her body, she decided to still look like Twilight, just a little bit taller with a bit more muscle mass and of course, whole and healed.
Nightmare closed her eyes and stretched like a cat, relishing the play of her muscles under her coat; this was nice. For a bookworm, you kept your body quite fit my host.
Opening her eyes and taking her first step, her hoof splashed in her host's blood. Looking down at its red glow and feeling with her arcane senses, she could tell the sheer amount of magic here was extreme. No way was she leaving this here for her captors to use.
Her horn lit with one of Luna's disintegration spells. The sensation of forming the raw power of an Alicorn even weaken and depleted was a delight to feel.
"Princess, Princess." Star bounced up and down, splashing in the blood seemingly without care waving a new scroll.
"Yes, my little Star?" Nightmare spoke, letting the light of her horn fade and trying not to seem annoyed by the interruption.
Star held the imaginary scroll, so it was easy to read. Upon it was a complicated spell, a new spell, a spell that this fragment of Twilight had just invented in the last few moments.
Nightmare's jaw fell open, and she slowly blinked, a brand new spell based on Nightmares shadow magic the filly had just watched, amazing.
Truth be told As old and powerful as the Nightmare was she was a little intimidated by the sheer intelligence and speed of Twilights mind, even comfortably ignoring the world in a mindscape Little Star the small portion of Twilight still paying attention to real-world was still tracking, analysing, committing everything to Twilights perfect memory and had just invented a new spell.
If this is what a mere fraction of Twilight's mind could do her aversion to showing off was a crime against the world itself.
Nightmare closed her mouth smiling, Star's joy was infectious.
Reaching out with a wing Nightmare pulled Star into a hug. Yes Nightmare knew this was just another form of manipulation, to keep both Star and Twilight content but so far the results were more than worth the effort, and yes she could not deny it, being looked up to and having willing physical contact, even this simple hug, were both pleasant side effects.
Studying the scroll Nightmare smirked, oh this was excellent. If she were reading the spell right, the spell would be able to reclaim much of the power from the blood and shape the rest into solid, useful forms to take with her.
How did Twilight know of a blood blade spell let alone worked out how to cross it with a hybrid spell mixing parts of Nightmares miasma form, a magic redirecting shield and a vampiric healing spell?
What was her sister teaching Twilight? Or did she learn that spell from one of the many times she snuck into forbidden parts of the archives? Given she could not remember watching Twilight learn it, it must have happened before her return from the moon: my, my what a dark past you must have had Twilight.
Star nuzzled Nightmare. "Did I do well, Princess?"
"Yes, yes you most certainly did my Little Star." Nightmare returned the nuzzle.
It would take some time to get to grips with the spell, but until then she would permit the warm hug to continue.
Nightmare blinked as she looked down at the unicorn filly under her wing, she smiled. Under her wing, Star's warmth pressing against her coat. Wait for a minute how am I hugging Star in the real world? How did she have blood on her hooves if she was just a mental projection? Nightmare thought in alarm.
Twilight is insane, and now her insanities can manifest because of my abilities That cold thought rampaged throughout Nightmares mind. A slight shudder ran down her spine. Star looked up at her, and Nightmare just smiled reassuringly.
Oh, what do I have to worry about my Little Star is loyal and wholly devoted to her Princess, to me. A small bit of glee entered Nightmare's smile. This has to be like when I created the Shadowbolts to try and tempt Rainbow. Well, this is most interesting.
"As soon as we have cleaned up here we can both go home my Little Star."
This is an interesting premise. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Okay, your premise is solid and your writing shows a lot of potential, but you're in desperate need of an editor. This story is rife with spelling and grammar errors. You have a good grasp of setting the scene and drawing the reader into the story, but you need to give it a few more read throughs and fix the really obvious errors.
Try using the read aloud function this site offers and listen to the story being read. It'll help you find the typos more easily.
Eh
I agree with JD McGregor. While I won't go into grammar issues I went through part of the second chapter and found these as examples. I like the premise and the handling of the characters. Good luck.
#1 Keep Freinds safe.
pinning her form to [ missing word] alter.
and a dangerous for at worse
spikes pining her from to the alter
Queen would be better by Princess would do
9827759
Thank you for both your kind words and the advice, using the read-aloud function is a very good idea II will go through both chapters and see what I can catch.
9827675
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to get a positive comment. I hope I can keep you entertained as I move the story forward.
9827808
Thank you for your kind words and help. I will get right on to fixing the mistakes you pointed out and see what other ones I can spot.
Even as a mere fraction of Twilight Sparkle's mind, with everything that's going on, and how badly she's been hurt, the fact that keeping her friends safe is her number 1 priority speaks volumes of how much Little Star cares for them. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a heart that can handle this level of d'aw.
Mm, much potential you have, though an editor you need. Great things from you, look forward to do I.
As a quick note for you, you're using the wrong alter. Alter means to change something, you want altar, as in the item from a church. Highlighting this one specifically since it's in your description and chapter name, and thus might be more offputting to some people.
Other than that, and a number of other errors, as others have said, an interesting premise, I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
While your writing ability leaves a little to be desired, I value a novel concept much more and I eagerly await the next episodes.
9828547
Thank you for your kind words and thank you so very much for catching that I feel like such a fool now.
Almost unreadable due to grammar and punctuation issues, but entertaining nonetheless.
An editor you need, to guide through the words.
Is english not your first language? It seems like that, But if it is, you are definitely falling into the trap of knowing where your punctuation should be, then not noticing that you actually didn't put it there.
Also this:
Should be this:
Use Italics to signify active thoughts such as in the previous example. An active thought is just something someone said in their mind.
9828001
Thank you. I know an editor would be a godsend. All I have at the moment I am using the read-aloud function of this site and Grammarly to try and catch my errors. I think I am improving slowly.
9835998
Something that helps me when I write comments is speaking aloud and paying attention to where you naturally pause, then exaggerating the pause to see if it still makes sense.
It's going to be fun to see Nightmare make full use of Twilight's arcane capability. And I see that Nightmare has also acquired her very own Yachiru, I'm sure this will be the beginning of a lovely friendship.
9860615
Technically it's Nightmare who is a Bankai, originally Luna's. Star probably being manifestation of newfound link, because Twilight is not Luna..
Oh to be fooled by a small filly! What tragedy must have befallen the spirit to relinquish in this literal embodiment of her naivety in excitement! What will come of our friendly micro-organism is yet to be see but for now, let’s make like Alcatraz and perform an escape for the history books! Onwards!
What, Lesson Zero didn't tip you off to the fact that Twilight was insane, Nightmare? I mean...it's kinda obvious.
9827904
What was noise?
(Heart explode)
The sound of progress my friend!
9948567
Team Fortress 2 right
9948567
Ah you stole the words right from my mouth Medic.
Little Star is the most adorable mental condition ever. This is clearly the start to a dream team. At least so long as Nightmare doesn't violate priority #1.
This is getting interesting.
Few small errors here and there, but nothing that impedes reading. Great story so far!
Weakened
Dark and adorable, just how I like it.
I see romance
I see filly
.....nightmare is lolicon?
11415745
It's motherly love...Weirdo.
11415745
Go sit in the corner and think about what you just wrote.
Now She's Just Lying To Herself.
She Enjoys It