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Warning: spoilers!
Tempest Shadow aka Fizzlepop Berrytwist has committed quite a few crimes during her time as the Storm King's lieutenant: high treason, slavery, kidnapping, use of forbidden magic conspiracy to overthrow the government, etc.
Now, after her trial, Tempest is locked away in the castle, waiting for the Princesses and the Council to deliver their verdict...
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This, this is nice. You did good.
I’m glad I chose to read this. It was very good. Short, but well written.
8497388
Thank you!
First time I find something with such tags pleasant. You are exceptional.
D'aw, what a feel-good, fuzzy ending! Very nicely written.
Nice job, I enjoyed reading it. =)
That said, I don't think the story really warrants the "Sad" tag, as it doesn't seem to contain anything all that sad. Even Fizzle doesn't seem sad, just upset with herself. I think it'd probably get more views without the sad tag. I know I wouldn't have read it had I not looked at the comments first, particularly the ones by DoctorDuguu and Crowley.
Nice and sweet! Well done.
HHHhhmm I don'T exactly believe that she is terrifying to her. It is probably more like the moment she changed and felt sorry for everything, she started to see Luna for what she "could do" and maybe feared what could happen or something.
I'm trying to say that I believe that makes what she feels stronger.
It can be nice, but honestly I don't like it that much, that so many story start to change her personality completely. They make her like Starlight was or still is, from a proud warrior into a completely aoplogatic mess. I would think that maybe some of her old character would stay and at least make her try to keep her pride while her eyes might betray her and show her emotions. Something like that.
oh come on, I will never really fully believe that they are so perfect, even in front of someone who is very good at reading ponies/people if I understood it completely.
I start to think that is because many people might feel like Tempest shouldn't have been able to do a shit, at least I get that feeling when reading something here and there (comments mostly).
In the end my last thought was, the only way it would start to make sense to me, it would be a romance between Tempest and Luna. I have a headache right now, so I might think a little bit more simple about it, but the core of it is what I think.
edit: Oh maybe I should add, that I still like it, I'm just always hinting at the fact that not every person that is sorry, have to show it in the same way, like when I said that she suddenly thought Luna would kill her or something.
I know the situation is another one right now, but I would expect her to me more frightend of the sentence given to her instead of Luna itself. That might be just my view on her.
"Pegasi guards" should be "pegasus guards". Practically everybody does this and I don't understand it. Would you say "unicorns guards"?
This is good I like it. Especially the part when Fizzlepop scrunched her face :3
So cute
i.pinimg.com/originals/1a/55/c9/1a55c9dc96bc58356e031e8f39d7ba70.jpg
Not even gonna lie, read this just for the "Fizzlepop Berrytwist."
I love the way you used the taste of food as symbolism. Very creative!
Hmm, I skimmed this. Sounds interesting, but I bet I'll enjoy it more after I watch the movie.
"It was Delicious"
My fav line. Three words which have no relation to the meaning behind it, in terms of what the words themselves mean. Good on ya, mate.
Jolly good story
A follow up conversation with Twilight would be amazing! Well done conveying the feeling of a weight being lifted!
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/march-to-the-scaffold
"We declare you absolved of all crimes because we're stupid naive ponies who believe every criminal who says they're sorry and they'll never do it again!"
Pony Hitler takes over the world 5 days later. Reality bites. Hard.
On a more serious note, would this instant absolution be acceptable had the ending of the movie gone EXACTLY the same... except that instead of petrifying the Princesses, she'd killed them and restoration was impossible.
Everything is far too sugar-coated, which is a big issue I have with shows like this that blankly forgive everything after a few tears and apologies. There's no sense of LASTING CONSEQUENCES, other than the former villain feeling angsty now and then. Never once do we see a pony who had lasting damage from the villains, never do we get to hear their side.
It's so phony not even most fantasy fans can accept it. If you look at ANY good fantasy, great crimes come with great consequences and the damage lingers. Wickedness is not simply washed away with a friendship laser.
I salute you mister, I salute you, very well done.
8497831
Oh, but there are consequences!
Just not for Fizzlepop. She's a cute pony mare. Someone like Storm King, he dies, and I have yet to read any story where he's restored and offered a second chance.
This was quite nice. The punishment was much too lenient, of course, but that was the point: the difference between others' forgiveness and your own. I like that it keeps the focus tight, and doesn't stray from the point.
However, it was riddled with typos throughout. You need another editing pass.
8497831
It's not really that surprising. We're talking about a place that let a time traveling, brain washing, nearly universe ending, megalomaniac off with only becoming a student of one of the princesses. Neighboring a universe that let a brain washing, dimension hopping, literal crown stealing illegal alien off the hook with only having to clean up/repair the damages. This actually seems fairly harsh all things considered.
That said it seems mostly that only (female) ponies get the kid gloves. Discord was given another chance, but he's more the exception than the rule. We've seen several male/ non pony villains end up with much harsher punishments.
8497831
I mean, yeah? Welcome to the world created for little kids? Full of unbelievable optimism and kindness? It's not supposed to be realistic, but rather a vehicle for morality lessons and jokes?
considering how much they forgive.... "shrugs" not surprised at all by now.
8497831
You lost me at "Pony Hitler".
Now repeat after me....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rnkr2UN5UU
8497831
i do agree, but i'd say that Tempest isn't so far gone as to be called "Pony Hitler".
think about it for a moment. what if you lost your legs in a terrible accident, then someone comes along and says you can get your legs back, but only if you do what they say? i'd take that deal in a heartbeat.
8497831
I honestly thought it was a good balance of "Well... We can't just do NOTHING" and a highlight of just how forgiving Pony society is.
I can agree that the fic doesn't represent a realistic scenario in human terms, but honestly, Tempest's fate here is FAR worse than what seems to have happened to Starlight!
Given how the show runs, Tempest's punishment could have been "You have to wear a big hat that says 'I'm sorry!' for a week!" and I think everypony would forget why Tempest was wearing it on day three.
Plus, Luna herself highlighted how light the punishment was. At the very least this fic married the laughable punishments (when we even SEE them) the show gives us with a healthy dose of self-awareness. I think it deserves to be applauded for that fact alone. And, you know, the fact that the writing and prose was good didn't hurt.
8497831
The fact that you say a kids show about magical talking ponies who deal with issues by friendshipping the crap out of them isn't "realistic" enough for you is hilarious and proves that nobody should take you seriously on any level regarding this show.
Aside from that trainwreck of a soapbox masquerading as a comment... This is pretty much what I expected. The internal drama of Fizzlepop's treason followed by the relative slap on the wrist (foreleg?) of community service. I do like Luna coming and being all "I used to be like you, but then I got an friendship to the face." and it does have some levity during the second half of the fic.
Pretty alright, reminds me of Starlight's redemption to a point. (Of course I'm not saying that Fizzlepop is a ripoff or anything, that'd be ridiculous, but I can see how a similar setup would work with her due to how things underwent. Equestria is a very forgiving society when you come down to it.)
My headcanon is usually that Princess Luna is the "least forgiving" of the princesses, or at least the most aggressive. (I do recall in the movie she essentially answered Fizzlepop Berrytwist's ultimatum with "Why don't you come down here and make us?") But on reading this I realize that might not be terribly accurate, as she, out of all of them, is the only one to experience the villain half of the spectrum, so she might actually be the most forgiving.
It makes sense that Fizzlepop, being practically an "anti-pony", would be rather jarred by Equestrian royalty so easily forgiving her, especially as they were her first-hand victims. But the tradeoff to living in such a peaceful society where they can possess ultimate power and only need to "waste it on parties", as she might say, would be that they would be especially lenient to everyone; so in this sense this fic kind of points out that the forgiving attitude so often shown on the show is just simply another part of "embodying friendship". Plus, it seems the princesses saw Twilight's point of view on the matter. Looks like "acceptance" is going to be another part of Equestrian society Fizzlepop will have to relearn.
Nice work.
P.S. I get a sense that the fan community is a bit split on referring to her as Fizzlepop Berrytwist now or continuing to call her Tempest Shadow, but I'm glad you opted to stick with Fizzlepop. (For me personally, it's like the same deal as with "Tangled". I never refer to Eugene as "Flynn". And similar to Darth Vader, I feel "Tempest Shadow" was only Fizzlepop's name when she totally abandoned her identity as a pony.)
Waaahhh, it was so cute! I would expect Princess Luna to be the least mad out of them all (you know aside from Twilight) since she was I don't know, evil? And lel, community service, these ponies would not survive a day in the real world (literally, lol!)
Very nice~
six months seems a bit... weird.
could've gone with: "till the next summer sun celebration" or even the next friendship festival.
leaves the reader with a ambiguous amount of service
8497943 You really need to watch G1 some time. Only 1 villain, Catrina, was ever reformed. 3 of them either absolutely died or were at least probably dead, several were imprisoned in some way, and the others ran away with the typical "I'll get you next time!" spiel.
It's being too naïve even for a kids show to just shrug off everything wrong a character does.
Wait a second. Something's wrong here...
They actually gave her a TRIAL?! Since when does Equestria have a working justice system?! Everyone knows that all you have to do is apologize and you're instantly forgiven for everything!
8498304 Hmm, let me think... somebody offers me my legs... in exchange for me helping them enslave the entire world and give them god-like powers.
Yeah, that sounds like a completely trustworthy sort of fellow who'd in no wise lie to or double-cross me at a moment's notice.
No, I'm not that stupid. Sorry.
8498304 I didn't say SHE was Pony Hitler. The implication was that Hitler, the smooth talker that he was, would've convinced these idiot ponies that he meant no harm even AFTER he invaded Poland.
8498644
I might have to do that sometime, but now I am curious if there is a broader shift towards this sort of unqualified forgiveness or if it is just MLP.
I don't usually care for one-shots.
But this was cute and I liked it. Good job.
8498748 Only watch the episodes with villains. The rest were sickeningly saccharine. Even as a little kid they were usually too much for me.
Anyway, I think it has to do with a broad push in Western civilization towards shrugging off personal responsibility. You see it everywhere, especially in courts where we're now expected to feel more sympathy for the criminals than the victims half the time.
It's sheer madness.
8498748
It's more that most G1 villains had no motivation beyond "I'm Evil, Mwha ha ha ha!", there was nothing to them beyond being evil. Lots of villains in 80's show where like that, irredeemably 2 dimensionally evil. They were evil because they where evil, that's it. Villains like Nightmare Moon and Tempest Shadow where not evil for the sake of being evil, they where lashing out in anger at the unfairness of their situations.
8498851
Alondro usually is. Honestly, I'm not sure how the entire site still doesn't have him on their personal blacklists.
8498851 The Witches weren't reformed. The bees were, but it took them time and they'd been goaded into acting by the Witches and their desire for the Sunstone. The giant spider Aghh also went unreformed and was caught in his own web.
Lavan was destroyed. Tirac was destroyed (Scorpan was actually a cursed human Prince under Tirac's spell, so he really doesn't count as a 'villain' in the proper sense). Porcina was reformed but the Raptorians who enlisted her to help them take over Pony Land are turned to glass. Grogar was re-banished, along with his hench-donkey Bray. Arabus was de-powered and captured, Zeb I believe just ran off and only Knight Shade was reformed in those episodes, and it was revealed that Shade had wanted to stop Arabus for some time but was too afraid of the shadow demon's power and having his own shadow stolen, so Shade was a reluctant villain from the start.
Squirk and Crank were unrepentant nasties that had their McGuffin taken away, then got washed away in a flood never to be seen again.
The Flores were defeated and unreformed. The lesson was that things that looked pretty were not always good and the Crab Nasties, the ugly-looking police force the Flores said were evil, turned out to be the good guys and took the Flores back to prison.
There was Crunch the Rock Dog, which was a unique situation featuring a magical creature made of stone fashioned by a sapient mountain and simply missing a heart. I don't really considering Crunch a 'villain' since he had no concept of emotion or morality to begin with and 'reformed' the instant he was made complete by the magical Heartstone.
Let's see, the Bezan was driven off by his own wand after it was accidentally brought to life. He was an unreformed one-shot villain.
And that's about it. The overwhelming majority were either driven off or destroyed. Only a handful were reformed.
The Gizmonks don't get reformed and are defeated in a similar fashion to Rarity's defeat of the Diamond Dogs, with Danny and Surprise being so annoying that the Gizmonks beg their rescuers to take them.
8498925
Do you have Adblock, Adblock Plus, or uBlock Origin? If you do just insert this as a custom filter.
fimfiction.net##div[data-author="Alondro"]
Great mini-story! Just a couple of corrections:
At "synonymous with “treason”,but she was far more than that", you need a space after the comma after "treason".
"t’was my folly that lead" should be "t'was my folly that led"
"How did...how could…Was this some sort of joke?" You need some spaces in there. And pick either "..." [three periods] or "…" [an actual ellipsis] , but try not to mix both.
"Tis true that the Storm King did not control you directly," and "Tis almost time to start Night Court" should have an apostrophe right before "'Tis".
"If that does not make one a hero, nothing shall" is missing a closing quotation mark.
I read this story last night on my phone and remembered there were a few errors I couldn't easily point out on my phone, so these are the errors I caught on a second skim-through on my computer. It's possible I might have missed one or two. You should get the Grammarly browser plugin/extension, which checks your grammar and spelling as you type on any website. It caught some of these mistakes for me when I copied the story into a text box.
Near the end, "then turned fo the door" should be "then turned for the door".
8499612 I missed one other primary villain (Porcina) and one secondary (Queen Bumble). But really, they were never unrepentantly evil to begin with. Porcina was vain and easily misled by the Raptorians, and Bumble was just lazy and selfish and also easily misled by the Witches. The set up was intrinsically there for them to see the error of their ways. None of the purely cruel villains even considered reforming, and it wouldn't have been believable as we saw nothing in their nature that suggested they ever would. That's how you have to handle this basic sort of reformation. It can't just come out of the blue as it's done far too often in Gen 4. You need to set it up in the narrative and then deliver a payoff, not just toss it in as a sudden twist.
Really, Discord's reformation has been handled the best of all... except for the very start of it. I still cannot fathom any sensible narrative reason for Celestia to have suddenly decided to reform the most powerful adversary in their world at the time. It was a forced and awkward development to get the story going that stains the gradual recognition by Discord of his need to better himself over time. Plot elements that feel too much like the writer's omnipotent manipulation versus a natural choice the characters would make tends to take people out of the story. Discord's slipping back into evil with Tirek wasn't unexpected, though it did have a little issue with Discord being a bit too trusting of his new partner. After betraying his own new friends and having turned the Mane 6 against each other in the past, it seemed odd to me that he wouldn't have taken some precautions beyond merely neglecting to tell Tirek about Twilight (I also can't figure out how Tirek didn't know about her since he'd been apparently free since Season 2 and Twilight's ascension was a major public event the news would have carried across the country swiftly) given he'd know quite well how easily friendship could be severed and that those of villainous nature tend to backstab quickly once power is on the line.
But after all, it's just a kids' show! We shouldn't expect people to care about plotting and characterization! Kids are too stupid to grasp it anyway! Just throw them something shiny to distract them and keep us from having to bother with them! It's not like kids will ever become anything important, they don't deserve good storytelling! It's not like anything well-written for kids was ever critically acclaimed or became wildly popular and successful before!
No wonder so many monsters attack Equestria.
8498644
erm what about that penguin king that tried to freeze everything
8498644
Scorpan. They shruged off what he did and let him go, because he helped them. We could say he was equivalent of Tempest. Storm king was uterly killed like Tirek.
I don't understand why this is so popular, everyone is talking like they know the full story, I don't is it the main mlp plot? If so I can't find the episodes telling about fizzlebob berrytwist or storm king
I am surprised that no one is talking about that she left her parents. They must have been uterly crushed when she didn't return home one day and they couldn't find her.
8499810 Which season was he in? I stopped watching pretty early on into Season 2, and I doubt I saw all of Season 1.
8499834 Uhm. Scorpan turned back into a human Prince. Being under an evil spell at the time kinda absolves one of guilt.
Yes, it was a cheap-ass sudden twist that came absolutely out of nowhere. But canon is canon in that case, and Scorpan was a human Prince under a dark enchantment which was used narratively to say, "Oh, it wasn't really his fault at all!" right at the very end.
It's one of the parts I really dislike, simply because it IS such a lazy out-of-the-blue conflict resolution.