• Published 26th Jul 2015
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The Things Tavi Says - shortskirtsandexplosions

Let me tell you a few things about my roommate, Octavia. After all, she saved my life.

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Revved Things

Author's Note:

I shuffle.

I fumble.

At last—with Twilight's help, hoisting me up from outside—I slither through the warehouse window. I swing my body around, planting my shoes down on the top of a stacked tower of wooden crates. Reaching out, I grab Twilight by her thin wrists and pull her inside as well.

Soon, the two of us are descending from the monolithic columns of crates. We land on the hard concrete floor and crouch low, shuffling towards a collection of rusty barrels.

The vast interior is dim—save for a lone bulb dangling above the door to an office room closed off from the rest of the complex. I hear a melody rumbling from deep within, and it matches that which we had caught over the radio frequency that led us here.

I know where the other me is, but there's still an obstacle... or two... or three...

"Say, Aria," squeaks an uncharacteristically chirpy voice. I see a flash of blue skin and even bluer hair shifting in the corner, followed by blinking red eyes. "Did you hear something just now? Like... from that end of the room?"

"Grnnngh..." A rust red voice (and twice as jagged) replies. "Stop freaking out over every little rat the scurries across this goddess-forsaken junk heap, Sonata."

"But... what if it wasn't a rat this time?" The figure shrugs, coming closer to the light. "I mean, I suppose if it was a rat and we just ignored it, then that'd be blatantly ironic, seeing how it's your and my job to keep an eye out for anyone trying to sneak in and free Vinyl Scratch—"

"If you want to go check it out, then fine!" From the other end of the room, some grumpy teen with pink skin sits lazily at a table. She shakes her head, swaying with sinfully long ponytails. "Just stop talking your mouth off, already! Your off-key voice is giving me a headache!"

"Plblblbllbb!" The other teen raspberries. "News alert, Aria! You're off-key now too!"

"Don't... start..."

"Heehee... ahem..." The cheery siren's footsteps grow louder.

Twilight and I exchange nodding expressions.

"Okay, Vinyl..." She pats my shoulder. "Go on. Just like we practiced." She takes a deep breath. "I'll take care of the other one."

I nod back. Then, after a deep breath, I stand up and walk calmly towards the light.

I arrive there right around the same time the siren does. Sonata Dust lets loose a tainted blue yelp, stumbling backwards in bright-eyed shock. "Whoah! How did you get out of your music booth-room-thingy?" She points at my wrists. "And the handcuffs! Are you some kind of wizard?"

I shrug, waving with a mute grin.

"What are you babbling on about now?!" The rust red voice echoes from the sidelines.

"It's Vinnie Skunk!"

"Vinyl Scratch...?"

"Yeah! She just... walked out of her prison'n'stuff."


"I'm looking at her right now!"

"Well... put her back in, Sonata!"

"Okie Dokie!" She walks forward and grabs my wrist. "Uhm... you don't have to quake'n'fear and all, yet. Save it for when Adagio Dazzle shows up. She likes it when people quake in fear before her."

I stupidly stumble after her. She leads us both to the door, then fumbles through her skirt's pocket for a set of keys.

"Okay... which one is... is... Here we go!" She sticks the key into the knob and turns. "Dunno how you got out of your room, Miss Slippery, but we need you to get back in there and finish your little..." The door opens. She blinks. "...masterpiece?"

A second Vinyl Scratch lifts her head up, cradling a pair of headphones to her ears. She gazes over a series of computers and turntables, blinking from behind a thick pair of shades.

"Uhhhhhhhhh..." Sonata Dusk squirms. "Weird." She looks at me. "Are you a time traveler too? Cuz if so, screw the music! Adagio could totally use your..."

Gritting my teeth, I kick her roughly in the stomach.

She lands hard against the floor. "Fappo!"

Meanwhile, I've grabbed her keys as she fell. Rummaging through them, I dash into the room and squat right down next to... uhm... me. I fumble through the keys to find the one that can unlock her handcuffs.

A pale finger grabs my attention. I watch as the other Vinyl gestures a "key" with two fingers, then draws a "triangle" in the air.

I nod back, reading my... her mind. I flip through the keys until I spot one with a triangle symbol on it.

She does a thumb's up in my peripheral vision as I stick the key into her handcuffs and unlock them. In a blink, she's standing on her feet, disentangling herself from the sound equipment. I give her a shoulder to lean on, and together we hobble out of the room.

"Aria! Aria, quick!" Sonata flails on the ground like an overturned turtle in a miniskirt. "Vinyl's getting away with... Vinyl...!"

"Rrrghhh! A little... mrmmff... busy here..."

I and the other Vinyl look towards the source of the grunting sounds.

Twilight Sparkle has tackled the other siren-person... person-siren? Together, they wrestle on the floor with Twilight on top.

"I've got her, Vinyl... and Vinyl!" Twilight exclaims. "Just give me a second to... to... quit horsing around, you!"

"You're one to talk!" Aria Blaze growls. "You came a long way to get your head knocked off, Princess!" She reaches beneath the table and grabs a rusted wrench. "Hope you read up on concussions because I'm about to—"

I hear a magenta whistle to my right. I look at Vinyl, and she's already throwing her weight around me. I gasp as the two of us spin from her initiative. Right as I lose my balance, Vinyl swings her body off of me and launches herself across the room. She slides across the warehouse concrete with her right leg outstretched. This is precisely the limb that goes slamming hard into Aria Blaze's ribcage with the force of a jackhammer.

"Ooooomffff..." Aria exhales the full content of her lungs. She curls up, rolling out from beneath Twilight's position. "Grkkk... nofairyouhadadeejay..."

"Whew!" Twilight hops up to her feet, helping the other Vinyl up. "Way to go, Vinyl! Er..." She squints suddenly. "Are you... my Vinyl or my other Vinyl?"

I clap my hands together with red bursts and point towards the front door.

"Right! Let's go!" The three of us make a mad dash for the exit. "Then we'll contact the police and have them clean up this—"

"Clean up what?" A body in a purple dress with a flouncing mountain of orange hair drops down, blocking our path. I watch as two intoxicating red eyes pierce us from afar, stopping us in our place. Her voice is like bloodied mud, dripping off velvet fabric. "Your entrails once I've finished with the two-and-a-half of you?"

Twilight skids to a stop, and so does Vinyl and... I. "Ah jeez. I knew you'd show up sooner than later."

"And I can say the same, Twilight Sparkle. Or is that Princess Twilight Sparkle?" Adagio Dazzle shuffles menacingly towards us, grinning with the severity of a switch-blade. "Having Vinyl as an ace up my sleeve is one thing. I never actually thought that she would find a song that would magically fix our tone-deaf voices... voices that were ruined thanks to you!"

She scuffles to a stop, as do two other bodies. We're surrounded by the siren sisters, including a very aching... very angry Aria Blaze. The three of them close in with icy precision.

"But now that I have an actual Equestrian Princess in my possession, the game has changed." Adagio Blaze's teeth glint in the dim electric light. "It's the one bargaining chip I need to get us back into our homeland. For the first time in ages, the seas will be ours to dominate once again. And soon the land of the sun-and-moon loving ponies..."

"If you think anypony from my side will ever consider letting you back in—" Twilight growls.

"Uhhhh... Adagio's delivering the monologue!" Sonata sing-songs. "Not you!"

"That's right." Adagio shakes her head. "This situation is no longer in your court, princess. You're here alone... without magic... without might. What hope do you stand against the likes of three battle-hardened sirens?"

Twilight and I exchange glances. She smiles at Adagio. "I've got a lot of hope, actually!"

"Pffft—mwahahahahaha!" Even her laughter is a villainous corpse-brown. "Did you honestly think that two horse girls and a weak prisoner could take on the ancient trio that imprisoned over half of Equestria?!"

Twilight winks. "Nope!" She lifts her head up and shouts in a large gray burst. "NOW!"


"Huh?" Adagio turns around—

POWWW! The small door to the warehouse blows off its hinges, followed by petite figure riding a blue-painted motorbike.

—"OOMF!" Adagio's body flies back from the loosely thrown door.

"Wooohoooooo!" Human Rainbow Dash's voice fills the room with a black cloud. She spins it around like a mahogany cyclone. I spot a dumb grin beneath the visor as she streaks by, leaning over in time to knock Sonata off her feet. "Take that, ya siren sissy sucker!"

"Aaaackies!" Sonata rolls across the concrete, cowering.

The Vinyl leaning against Twilight grins as the motorcycle spins around us, screeching to a stop.

Rainbow revs the engine, leaning forward with a hiss. "That all you brought, Adagio?" Rainbow snarls. "Or you want some more?"

"Idiots!" Adagio sputters as Aria lifts her up. The two stand facing us, fists raised. "Even with your sports-nut on a bike, you're still no match for—"

VRMMMMMMMM! A second motorcycle roars in through the entrance Rainbow made, knocking both Adagio and Aria to the ground.



The bike zooms in a vicious circle, streaking red and yellow and orange. "I've got them, Rainbow Dash! Go in for the finish!"

"Roger that, Sunset!" Rainbow revs the engine one more time. "And a one and a two and a—"

"Go! Go, Dashie!" I jump at the golden voice, then glance towards the doorway to see a bipedal Pinkie Pie peering in, along with a Fluttershy and a Rarity and an Applejack. "Teach them a lesson with Rated TV-PG violence!"

"Woohoooo!" With a black explosion, Rainbow rolls forward.

Sunset Shimmer veers out of the way, exposing the two sisters like bowling pins. "Aaaaaaaaaa—"

Twilight, Vinyl and I wince. When we look back, the two would-be-sirens are littered across the floor, groaning into unconsciousness.

Across the way, Sonata blinks. "Uhhhhm..." She smiles sheepisly up at us. "Well played! Uhm... Jee-Jee!" And shes raises her own fist and punches herself. "Ooomf! Guhhhh..." Thump.


"Smashing, darling!"



Sunset and Rainbow skid their bikes to a stop alongside each other. The girls strip their helmets off, smile, and exchange a slap of their palms.

"Yeah! Awesome!" Rainbow pumps a fist. "Best DJ rescue ever!"

Sunset smirks over in our direction. "Good call, Twilight. Getting us to help out was the best possible decision."

I look over at the Princess.

She smiles back at me. "Goes to show that this place has taught me a valuable lesson after all these visits." She twirls with a strand of violet hair. "The only thing more magical than friendship... is friendship on motorcycles... eheheheh..."

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