• Published 26th Jul 2015
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The Things Tavi Says - shortskirtsandexplosions

Let me tell you a few things about my roommate, Octavia. After all, she saved my life.

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Cracking Things

Author's Note:

"Okay, girls!" Twilight Sparkle speaks in an agonizingly sing-songy voice. She smiles at the group of us, takes a long, deep breath, and smiles even wider. Behind her, the far door to the ballroom shuts loudly while an orange body exits, and she pretends not to shudder. "What a great morning! Am I right?"

"Mmmm... I reckon."

"I see Pinkie Pie isn't here. Does anypony know where she is?"

"Does anypony ever?" Rarity drones.

"Good point. So! Let's begin!"

"Erm... before we do, Your Highness... erm... Twilight..." Octavia waves a hoof, speaking in a bashful tone. "Do you terribly mind if I present a few questions that I've been dying to ask about the notes you gave us?"

"Oh! Sure!" Twilight canters over. "By all means, Tavi!" Twilight giggles. "I can call you Tavi, can't I?"

"Eheheh... well, certainly!" Octavia glances over at me with a crooked smile. Pure violet drips: "So long as I can call you 'Twilight,' Your Majesty! Eh hee hee hee!"

"More like Her Sappiestly," Rainbow belches in a black cloud. I glance her way, and she blinks back at me. "Er..." Her voice cracks at a more melodic pitch, shooting off black bands in random directions. "Don't get me wrong! I'm glad that Twilight's found something... some pony thing to make her happny'n'stuff... it's just that... that..." She rolls her ruby eyes. "Eeeugh..." Her tongue dangles a full inch out the side of her muzzle. "...couldn't she have done better than that gloating tube of hairspray? I mean... wake up and smell the dewdrops, girl! Amirite?"

"... ... ..."

"Eh, whatever." Rainbow Dash looks directly at me and smiles. "I'm Rainbow Dash. Remember me? Most coolest awesomest pony who's ever lived?"

I fidget. With my magic, I reach out for a notepad—

"Anyways!" She floats past me, her wings knocking the paper from my grip. "Sorry for being late, but I was busy assembling a bunch of radical CDs that I wanted you to look at and see if you could make a mix out of them. I mean..." She winces slightly and pivots to face me again. "You are the royal minstrel. So you are paid to do whatever it is we ask for—musically—even if it might seem kinda lame or silly?"

I shift from one good leg to another. I glance at the sheets of paper lying scattered beneath my booth.

"Good! So... uh..." Rainbow looks left... then looks right. Once she's convinced that nopony else is looking, she hobbles up to me and unceremoniously dumps a thick stack of jewel cases at my hooves. "...take a good look at these. Try not to get too overwhelmed by the sheer epicness of my collection. I know it must be the chance of a lifetime to cram so much awesome into a single mix, but... mmmm... let's see what you can do, huh?" She leans in with a devilish smirk. "Or is your name not 'DJ-P0N3'?"

Curious, I magically lift the CDs, glancing at their labels one by one.

"Wonderbolts Airshow Suites 1 – 5." "Wonderbolts Airshow Suites 6 – 10." "Wonderbolts Airshow Suites 1 – 5: Remastered."

I flip to yet another album and my head jerks back.

"Daring Do Audio Books: Daring Do and the Ky Crystal."

"Yeah... uhhhh..." Rainbow Dash brushes the back of her head, smiling nervously. "I may have... k-kinda sorta... stuck twelve of those in there."

"... ... ..." I reluctantly lift the jewel cases in question, and that's how I discover that—holy cow—she's right.

"I especially like the Audio Book featuring Daring Do and the Grindy Gears. I bet you could make some really cool industrial crud out of the sound effects in that! Just skip to about forty-five minutes ahead and listen for the factory fight scene!"

I flip to another CD—and pause. Curious, I raise the album up and show its label to Rainbow Dash: "Pretty Princess Lullabyes Volume Twelve."

"Holy sh—!" Rainbow hisses, immediately batting the jewel case out of my hooves and hugging it nervously to her chest.

"Rainbow?" Rarity's voice calls from a distance. "Is that you?"

"Uhhh... uhhh..." Rainbow's voice cracks from where she hovers, sweating. "Pr-present!" She smiles plastically, then hovers down to my level, her voice hushed like a black mist. "You saw nothing, you understand? Nothing!"

I gulp and nod frantically.

"Then again... shouldn't be so hard for you!" She leans back, waving a hoof. "What, with you being blind and all. Wait." She rubs her chin hard, thinking harder. "Blind... deaf... mute... derp." She shrugs and flutters off. "Whatever. Lemme know how the mix is in about a week."

I gaze after her, then look at the mountain of random detritus to work with. Sighing, I bend over and heave with my magic, moving to drop the albums into my duffel bag—

"Sorryforbeinglate!" Pinkie Pie skids in out of nowhere and adds an even bigger mountain of records to the pile. "But I just had had had to beat Dashie to this super duper party mix commission slot and—" She freezes. She gawks at me, at the pile of CDs and vinyls between us. "... ... ...shoot!" She leans back, playfully toying with her fluffy mane as she casts me the most innocent puppy-dog-eyes imaginable. "Uhhhhh... week after next?"

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