• Published 26th Jul 2015
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The Things Tavi Says - shortskirtsandexplosions

Let me tell you a few things about my roommate, Octavia. After all, she saved my life.

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Cringey Things

Author's Note:

Simon Neighs takes a sip of his drink, smiles, then places the thing down on the counter. After swallowing, he wheezes, "My turn!" Adjusting the headphones around his neck, he leans forward and speaks above the table booth. "The most cringey fan moment I had was this one time in Salt Lick City."

"Oh, here we go," Beau coos, rolling his eyes.

"Nah, for real, though!" Simon smirks. "I had this Q&A session after the show, right? I mean... I'm not—like—super famous... yet. So I figure I can get up close and personal with my fans after each show, chew the fat, shoot the manure... that sort of thing."

I nod, swirling a can of Dr. Pony in my hooves, listening intently.

"And, naturally, a few of them want autographs. I mean... duh. That's to be expected, right?"

"Should I be afraid of where this is going?" asks DJ Capricorn.

"Shhhh!" Beau smiles. "Let the stallion finish!"

"Well, basically, this one dude rolls up with a big bulging saddlebag. And I'm like... oh jeez, this is gonna go south quick. Cuz I've heard horror stories of artists being begged by fans to check out and sample a gazillion of their amateur records, right? Well, this guy turns out to be... totally cool, really. We start talkin' left and right about how the two of us both think that Daft Pony is super overrated."


"And—then it comes. He asks for my autograph." Simon smirks. "Only, he asks if I can sign my name on his leg."

"Ohhhhhh..." Beau nods. "One of these scenarios."

Simon shrugs. "And I think to myself, 'Well, I'm no colt-cuddler, but this guy doesn't mean any harm. So, why not?' So I tell him 'Yeah, sure, dude!'" The stallion leans forward. And then he proceeds to take a leg out of his saddlebag."

I blink.

"Celestia almighty..." Capricorn's eyes narrow. "Surely you jest."

"Pffft. It was a prosthetic leg. Not like he chopped it off some dude."

"Wait..." Beau's muzzle scrunches, and he raises a hoof. "I thought you said..."

"Heheheh..." Simon is already chuckling. "Dude had all four of his limbs intact." He gulps. "So, like an idiot, I ask him, 'What's up with the prosthetic leg, bro?' He proceeds to go on this long magical tirade about how he keeps a bunch of ponyquins around his music studio, and he shows up at every tour, asking famous musicians and would-be-musicians to sign the various limbs. That way, he'll someday be surrounded by an audience of pure talent and mirth, and he wants to—like—osmotically consume the 'creative aura' so that it'll make manifest in his own music'n'crud!"

"Hoooooo boy..." Beau nearly collapses in his seat, overcome with crimson cackles.

"Inorite?!" Simon grins wide, his eyes sparkling in the neon glow of the bar. "I never wanted to gallop away from a Q&A session so badly!"

"Still..." DJ Capricorn takes a dainty sip of her drink and glances my way. "Not the strangest thing I've ever heard to come out of Salt Lick City."

I smile at her.

BANG! A hoof slaps over the table, nearly blinding me with its red salvo. "MY TURN!" DJ Harmonicide stands up, grinning drunkenly at the group. "And boy if your hearts won't handle this one!"

"Sure thing, bro..." Beau winces, rubbing one of his ears. "My eardrums are certainly getting a run for their money."

"So there I was, touring with Mareami Sound Machine..." Harmonicide grins and grins, the veins showing in his neck. "And we stop off at this dinky little sinkhole of a town in... in... I dunno. Gallopsville or something. I dunno. Wherever they've got the University of Fillyda crudheap. Anyways." He leans in. "I'm stumbling to and from this outhouse behind a rest stop, and I bump into this chick. Really feeble pegasus... th-thing. And she's like 'Oh, pardon me.' And I'm all 'Yo, babe, watcha want?' And do you know what she says?"

"By all means..." DJ Capricorn swirls her drink. "Do enlighten us."

Harmonicide's jaw hangs wide open. "...she tells me that she thinks my music is relaxing and that I'm a very nice stallion!"


"That... sounds really nice, actually," Simon says—

"Dammit, I know!" Harmonicide slumps back into his seat, forelimbs crossed as he huffs. "The nerve of that bimbo! Doesn't she know who I am?!"

"Heh..." Beau rolls his eyes. "Obviously not."

"Dude, I'm like living lightning!" Harmonicide grins, teeth gnashing. "My music makes ears bleed as they rejoice at the dagger's kiss, yo!" He pumps his chest. "I ain't out to win no damsels, but make the cheerleaders pile all over themselves in fright. Y'hear what I'm saying?"

"Loud and clear, buddy." Smirking, Simon looks over at me. "What about you, P0N3? Ever had a laughably awkward moment with a fan?"

"Oh, several!" Beau says, cackling. He looks over at me, and his laughter stops. "Erm... not that it's my place to say—"

I simply smile at him, adjusting my shades.

"I suspect you cannot be blamed, Mr. Fo'Sho," DJ Capricorn remarks. "Something tells me that you're rather used to speaking for the illustrious Ms. Scratch."

"Well... eheh..." Beau rubs his monochromatic brush of a mane. "Totally! I mean... it's more or less my job." He gulps and glances my way. "Right, V?"

"Yo, why don't we hear from the Goddess of the Wubs herself?!" Harmonicide gargled. "I'm dyin' to know!"

"Hey! For once, the big lug's right!" Simon exclaims, stifling a chuckle. "We totally can hear from her." He looks at DJ Capricorn. "Yeah...?"

"Hmmmm..." Capricorn leans back, her bergundy voice tapering off as she glances my way. "Well, I suppose it depends." She lifts two straws with her magic and starts twirling them so I can see. "Are. You. Wanting. To. Tell. A. Story?"

I look at her. I look at Beau.

There's a soft twinkle in the zebra's eyes. I can tell when he's being mindful of my feelings—even if he can only read them half the time. Such a good friend, a stalwart knight.

With a breath, I motion for another can of Dr. Pony, then raise a pair of straws myself. Partially facing DJ Capricorn, I twirled the two "sticks" in the air.

"Hmmmm..." After "reading," Capricorn bears an elegant smile. She gives the table a side-ways glance. "I suspect this is going to be a long one..."

"Wooohooo!" Harmonicide nearly plops out of his chair.

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