• Member Since 28th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen January 27th

aterriblewriter


i can't write. but, i can come up with ideas for hie fics

T

Sigh.... Great. Just great! I get sent into ponyland as a loli. Not just any normal kind of loli. Noooo! I'm a loli with tentacles growing out of my back. I can't even control these things! At least they somewhat listen to me, and I kept my house though...

Follow Dakota as he/she/it goes through the MLP FIM episodes, changing things as he tries to live his life. He appears around a few days before the events of Ticket Master and the CMC has already formed, if you want an exact date.

The cover art was made by InvaderIka. Here's the link.
http://invaderika.deviantart.com/art/TRADITIONAL-Okage-The-Shadow-King-Styled-Ally-487246142

Chapters (29)
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Comments ( 718 )

Great, now I have a craving for pancakes... and an urge to pet a squid....

Well, putting my twisted cravings aside, "Tri" seemed rather invasive ( didn't take long to ditch either ), whereas the rest of the group seemed fine overall. Not really sure what to feel about this fic atm, though I am curious as to where you're going with this. I thought I'd give you a forewarning based on the fic description. Try not to rely too heavily upon the episodes without offering enough new content / twists, as rehashing them can get boring fast.

the balance is restored from the like's and the dislike thou this should more like's maybe they don't like the tentacles :rainbowlaugh:

can you tell me what a loli is evry time i lokkmit up its just a meme

im just curious whar she is

Alright......you got my attention.....:duck:

Go on:trixieshiftright:

It may need a tad bit of spell checking, and grammar checking, but it's a good story nonetheless.

5885301
loli (n)
(informal) Abbreviation of lolita.

lolita (n)
A young girl who is sexually alluring.

Need nothing it good.
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I may have read it wrong, but it sounded like it said s/he was smaller than the CMC. That would make him/her like a foot tall.

5885669 Huh:rainbowhuh: youre right!
Is she/he really THAT small?:rainbowderp:

Hmm... Ya know what? This is pretty good for being written on a tablet. Nicely done.

Your short description says 'tay home' instead of 'stay home'

I am quite curious as to how this will play out exactly.

...I don't know what this is... I don't know why you made this... But I will find you, and I will hug you.

.. Whoa:pinkiegasp: didn't expect this kind of reception.... I love it!
5886257 sorry man kinda wrote that quickly on this thing.
5885669 you are right. He is pretty short in here.... He is as short as sweetie belle, minus the horn.
5885082 I'll try, oh great lord of tentacles.:rainbowwild: I'll be honest here. I have kinda a clue as to where I'm going. Things will get crazier when Discord shows up.

5886704 .... I'm scared.:fluttershyouch: .... Make it quick...


Also, just to sort out the issue of what kind of loli he is, I'm going with the anime kind. You know, body of little kid but is older than she seems. Kinda like the girl.
animemvc.com/Content/animes/ladies_versus_butlers/mimina_ousawa.jpg
She's eighteen if I remember correctly.
The next chapter will have the princesses show up and the language barrier sorted out.

Oh Kay. Good start.

I teleported inside and within seconds it made breakfast. -" tri recapped.

I teleported inside and within seconds it made breakfast. -" Tri recapped.

Really enjoyed the story so far. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

"Is she.... Moaning?" Indeed she was. ignoring that weirdness, I grab a pancake and was about to take a bite when....

"Is she.... Moaning?" Indeed she was. Ignoring her, I grab a pancake and was about to take a bite when....

Remember when twilight turned an apple into an orange? -"

Remember when Twilight turned an apple into an orange? -"

but you are about as awesome as rainbow dash in my book for sharing these

but you are about as awesome as Rainbow Dash in my book for sharing these

I am hit with the taste of the gods, and all I could think of is

I am hit with the taste of the gods and all I could think of is
You don't need a comma before an "and"

I quickly grab the doll and hold it close, briefly realizing I'm still a kid again.

I quickly grab the doll and hold it close, briefly realizing again that I'm a kid.
Weird grammar on this one. I think this is what you meant.

5887398 I'll get right on those fixes.:raritywink: thanks man. I'm keeping the weirdness thing though.

I decided to re-read it again. :twilightsmile:

Some small corrections I noticed this time.

When I reached for the cabinet, I Found I couldn’t reach it.

When I reached for the cabinet, I found I couldn’t reach it.

It kinda looked like Lilo's doll from lilo and stitch.

It kinda looked like Lilo's doll from Lilo and Stitch.

"- I don't think it works like that Scootaloo, and even if it did work, how does that explain the creature inside? -"

"- I don't think it works like that Scootaloo and even if it did work, how does that explain the creature inside? -"

"- okay, on the count of three, we take a bite. -" the white one announced.

"- Okay, on the count of three, we take a bite. -" the white one announced.

Her friends giving me another look.

Her friends gave me another look.

"- I.... I.... I need to send a letter. -" Says before teleporting away with the album.

"- I.... I.... I need to send a letter. -" She says before teleporting away with the album.

--------------

I open the door and find three....... Little ponies?

Would you consider them "Little Ponies" if they're bigger than you? :pinkiegasp:

5887698 ..... Uh... Gimmie a sec... How about I get rid of little?:twilightsheepish:

Decided to go over chapter 2 again. You got allot better with the grammar this time! Only found a few issues.

"-I don't trust any of you to not rush her with questions, excluding fluttershy

"-I don't trust any of you to not rush her with questions, excluding Fluttershy

Sorry Fluttershy, but I think you'll be rushed questions too."

Ok. It is a little unclear what Rarity thinks. Does she think Fluttershy will overwhelm the protagonist with questions? Or that Fluttershy will be overwhelmed by questions from the protagonist.

so I'll be the translator for the dear.-

So I'll be the translator for the dear.-

5887757 fixed the question part. This things touch screen can get a little wonky.:derpytongue2:

It seams a bit rushed imo, but it definatly has potential!

I always get confused with the size of the ponys, sometimes i believe their Back should reach a Humans hips at least, or not. However, i can´t quite believe, how tiny he has to be, to be shorter than the CMC, i know they would be probably bigger than they are in the show, but it is a bit odd.
I just can´t decide how big they all are in your story.
5887958
5885669

i guess they both said what i think.


Very strange, very good, and probably very rushed.
Please take your time for the other chapters, keep that kind of language barrier at least a few chapters, and it should be very interessting.
I mean it already is pretty good, and i see him more like a little lonely girl, that probably needs a new mother, i mean as good as the tentacles may be, it should be good for him/her, if she gets a new mom or something like that.

translation spell

to soon. I just think you could have made two or three chapters more with the language barrier, it usually happens to fast, that all of them know a spell, and such things.

To be honest, i liked it, that they thougt of her of her to be a little girl, an animal, or something different.
I just think, that he is probably not that cute anymore, if he talkes to them, explains that he is more or less something like an old Stallion/Human, in a short Body.
I hope he somehow keeps his cuteness, and that the problem with his parents is going to continue, to be a big issue.

I guess the only thing i really want from you is, that you please make every chapter at least as long as this one.

5887838 Ummm. I think you forgot to hit save. Nothing changed. :derpytongue2:

5889678 A solution (without re-writing this chapter) would be the spell gets applied to the tentacles by accident, and since they're mute... :rainbowlaugh:

And if you wanted to delay communication even more, you could make it so that they don't realize they used it on the tentacles.
Twilight "Ok. I'll use a translation spell on her"
Rarity "Don't bother dear. I already tried that, it didn't work."
Twilight "What!"

5887718 Yeah. Should get rid of little. :twilightsmile:

If it was me, I would make the protagonist slightly taller than the CMC, but shorter than regular ponies. Otherwise she would be extremely slow to get anywhere because of how short her legs would have to be. :twilightoops: But I guess if she is shorter, you could have her ride the CMC. :applecry:

And if you want another chapter, I'll try to upload at least once or twice a Month.

Looks at when ch2 was published: March 26
Looks at date: April 21

Sooo....
Soon? :pinkiehappy:

Eh, once or twice a month?

Guess it could be a pick-me-up sometime, I'll follow and wait till the next one.

5890220 maybe....:raritywink: from the looks of it, it is gonna be a big one.

5890030 uhh...:rainbowderp: I didn't think of that.... The language thing is gonna be solved by yours truly. Just think about the spell... But in reverse!:pinkiecrazy:

5889678 well man, I did want a good language barrier fic.... But I couldn't come up with much else for that road...:ajsleepy: though.... I have a few ideas for a different story. once I'm done with this, I'll finish that rough draft I have laying around.

OK guys, here's the deal. I.... May have never thought up a name for the tentacles:twilightblush:..... Soooooo I'll let you guys name them.:moustache: the only rule I have is it cannot be a hentai joke.:rainbowwild:

5885327
One of those that did not make it into Monster Girl Quest.

I tried to find names that had some meaning in regards to tentacles.

Mythical/Fantacy Names:
Medusa - had a bunch of snakes for hair.
Illithid - DnD race. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illithid
Ursula - From Little Mermaid.
Scylla - Greek sea monster that had tentacles (or dog heads. Depends on the translation :rainbowhuh:).
Kraken - Call her Katie. Kraken sounds kind of masculine. "Kraken... that sounds too masculine... how about Katie."
Cthulhu
Nyaruko - Nyarlathotep. From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nyaruko:_Crawling_with_Love From Cuthulu Mythos. Has a bunch of cute names for allot of the eldritch horrors.


Real People Names:
Marie - as in Marie Curie, discover of radioactivity.
Joan of Arc - Famous French leader. Burned at the stake for witchcraft.
Nightingale - Florence Nightingale - A very famous nurse. Revolutionized hospitals.
Amelia - Because its a cool name. Amelia Earhart - famous airplane pilot.
Mata Hari - World famous exotic dancer from before WWI. Was shot for being a spy in WWI.

Hope these help.:pinkiehappy:

5891116 well then... I didn't expect that many from you. The kracken one is good though. The first name I thought of was Tenta..... Yep, I hate myself.:rainbowlaugh:

5891182
Ok. Done some more thinking.
If you are going for the Kraken idea...
Kathrine
Kathy
are a couple other female names to use.

I'm curious. Did you do the cover artwork?

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