• Member Since 12th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

XYZDreadnought


An aspiring Artist/Writer who wont let lack of skill get in the way of enthusiasm

E

A Displaced story.


How would you feel, I wonder, if your reality was torn out from under you, to have your life stripped away in the strangest of circumstances, and thrust into a world you have no understanding of, with no way to get home. Now living the life of a star spirit, who without starlight, you simply cease to exist until the next night brings you back.

How would you cope, if you were only ten years old at the time?

For our young heroine, the answer was simple. She didn't.

Her name is now Mare, and she wants to be left alone.


The character Mare is from the Visual Novel Hoshizora no Memoria -Wish upon a Shooting Star, But is unlikely to contain any elements from there apart from the appearance, abilities and some mannerisms of the character Mare, so prior knowledge is unnecessary, and even mildly discouraged, as I will not be entirely faithful to the source material, and most things will be explained in the story.


To save time, rather than putting this on individual chapters, I'll just say that This story has been edited by m2pt5, and probably will be for the foreseeable future, and is much better off for it.

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 367 )

I enjoyed this, looking forward to more.

I actually really like this. It follows the familiar and often detested formula of the standard Displaced genre, but it's written well enough that I find myself enjoying it. I may not be familiar with the character she is Displaced as, but it doesn't get in the way of my enjoyment. Well done, I'm looking forward to more.:twilightsmile:

Eventually the castle's defensive cassam loomed ahead, broken bridge and all.

Chasm, not cassam.

I can't wait to see what happens next keep up the good work update more soon :twilightsmile:

We are very pleased with this story. Please right more when possible. Thou have earned a like and fav!!!!

... So you show her landing, and then suddenly it's one thousand years later? I'm already finding it hard to believe that she's still alive/sane. Even if she didn't age physically, she'd still age mentally, and lasting 1k years mostly alone, it seems? I expect for some things to get explained quickly, or else I won't be able to suspend my belief at all.

TGM

The idea of a child displaced seemed interesting, then the thousand year jump happened and she's a reaper or something now, and she was the one who apparently defeated Nightmare Moon, not the elements. :facehoof:

Long story short, it went from interesting to following the typical Displaced formula pretty quick, which is a shame since the displaced really needs a unique story in it.

Not my cup of tea, sorry.

8122427 Well, this story is about Character development, Mare learning about herself just as others learn about her, So hopefully your questions will be answered in the story, if they are not already answered by chapters one and two. Feel free to bother me later if there is anything you don't understand, and I will try to clarify it in later chapters, I like constructive feedback.

8121892 Thank you, fixed.

8121561
8122104
8122116
Thank you for your support, an update is coming... sooner than you think :ajsmug:

8122532 No sarcasm, I am genuinely sorry to hear that, The fact that you have already lost interest before I've even begun, probably says something bad about my writing huh?:ajsleepy:

Still, I hope you might consider giving me another chance in future chapters, which I intend to be more about Mare the child, rather than Mare the reaper.

8122606 Thanks, Fan of your stuff, just reading through Monkey business now.:twilightsmile:

8122632 Squeeing internally:yay:

TGM

8122955

It's not your fault, I'm just rather tired of seeing the same 'person gets turned into a character they like, goes to Equestria, is around for a thousand years, then a thousand years later is around and knows more than the main characters do about how things work' tropes in Displaced. I understand that those tropes can still be used and the story itself good, but the way this looked like it was going it looked like it was going to be another forgettable Displaced fic.

I'll admit that I'm a great deal more interested in the child version of this character than I am the 'thousand years later' one, because Displaced children has never been done before, and it's interesting, as opposed to the typical 'powerful character is familiar with canon characters and a great deal more wise and/or powerful than most of them' bit. If you like, I can stick around and give some feedback on how I feel the individual chapters are.

That's the main reason I hate stories where some outsider interferes with the Nightmare Incident. They literally don't need to be there, like in this, Mare's presence didn't change one iota of the outcome, Nightmare Moon would have been defeated with or without her interference, so she didn't even really grant the wish she was supposed to as it would have come true for Celestia regardless. Mare's going to take credit for a deed she has no claim to.
You have these stories where somebody comes in all heroic and shit, get into an epic battle with Nightmare Moon to buy the Mane6 time, but in reality, they're just making everything messier when they could have just sat back and let the Elements do their job quick and easy. It's ridiculous, and then they get thanked for it and all this admiration heaped on them, and for what? Inserting themselves onto the already winning side and claiming heroics? That's like the guy in the group project who barely does anything on it, and then pats himself on the back anyways when they get an A. Fuck that guy, and fuck Mare too.
A Warhorse In Equestria And the bulk of Naruto-in-Equestria fics are like this also and I can't help but roll my eyes at them.

8123141 I feel like it was implied that Mare sent a large chunk of the nightmare away somewhere and were it not for that who ever held the nightmare would have just been sent to the moon again but thats just the impression I got.

8123319
Probably not since nothing was different about the situation from the show and canonly, the Elements had two very different results when it was used on Nightmare Moon, one of course being the banishment and the second being the purification. My head-canon explanation for why they didn't work properly for Celestia is that she didn't have complete connection to all the Elements when she tried to use them solo since she used to split them with Luna. Basically, she didn't represent all the virtues strongly enough to be able to use them to their full power where as the Mane6 did, thus allowing the Elements of Harmony to function at full capacity.

And really, that'd be pretty stupid to change something just so your OC has something to do in the canon events instead of making a new conflict for them to deal with. That's like almost every OC Strawhat Pirate story ever where the author just makes every enemy group have a new OC badguy for their character to square off against so they won't have to divert their story from the anime at all.

This has actually been a pretty interesting read so far. I did a little reading on this Mare character. She's a Shinigami -- or at least, that's what the protagonist of the visual novel she's in calls her, and she took that title on herself. She was involved in "reaping" the memory of someone else from him. She reminds me of a Sin Eater more than a nightmare hunter since she can affect memories, really; Sin Eaters are people from a little-known universe called Sword of the Stars who can dampen down or outright remove painful, traumatic memories. It's a skill that comes as blissful relief more often than not, since the race they're allied to is made up of empaths who suffer enormous emotional trauma when they have to feel the psychic scream of pain from someone dying a violent death (especially since everyone within range feels what they feel too).

I'll keep an eye on this one for sure. You've piqued my interest!

8123486 I know right? I hate the idea of Human in Equestria stories, especially self inserts, yet nearly every one I work up the courage to actually read tends to be great.

8123456 First I'd like to say thank you for your feedback, I enjoy constructive criticism, as it tells me what I am doing wrong so I can correct it in future writing projects, and it is a lot more informative than a simple thumbs down.

It is true, in the initial draft it was just a way to show Mare's unique power. But since then it has evolved into a plot point, which will have long reaching consequences in the rest of the story, even though they won't be readily apparent for the next few chapters, in fact...

but in reality, they're just making everything messier when they could have just sat back and let the Elements do their job quick and easy

... is strangely prophetic in a way.

In all honesty, Mare was just doing what she thought she needed to do, regardless of whether it would have turned out to be necessary or not.

But anyway, I hope you stick around to see how this develops, if not, well then that's OK too.

8123319 Thanks for defending my story, but you don't need to worry to much, at least he wasn't being super negative, and from what I've seen on this website, criticism is kinda his thing, and there is nothing really wrong with that.

Still, thanks though:twilightsmile:

8123478 Similar, but slightly different, its not just memories that they can reap, sometimes sometimes its objects that hold a certain weight to an individual, and when a 'Nightmare' is reaped, it often hurts before it feels better.

8123486
Glad to hear it, I hope I don't disappoint.

8122973
At least it's not "turned to stone for 1000 years". Ugh.

Interesting. I finally found a displaced fic, written in the last year or so that I can stand.

Well done.

Of course the thing that irks me about displaced fics is when they start overlapping and combining. So there is still time.

But, until such a thing comes to pass you have my intermittent attention, to be brought about when you update this fic.

8122427

I think you greatly underestimate the human mind. We wouldn't just shatter because we existed for a thousand years like we had some sort of mental due date. We experience life as it is and enjoy our time with our friends, just as Mare enjoyed her time with Celestia.

Though, I would be worried about Mare getting lonely with her attitude. If I were Celestia, I'd keep her rock thing near a relatively populated area.

8123141

Well, in this case, both parties put in full effort. That doesn't mean the extra people are meaningless, it means that the bus ratio is greater than zero.

If you knew exactly what was going to happen, you could say some characters are just stealing the results of the main characters. But just the same, you could have stories where the main characters weren't as lucky. Those stories tend to be really dark, and it's the kind of dark that would make you prefer having more redundant plans.

“No seriously, what does she mean by barking?”

“I REFUSE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY SISTER!”

Pfffft! :rainbowlaugh: Yeah. That would be an awkward conversation!

Anyway, great chapter. And I'm excited to see how it will go further. Especially wondering if they will find a way to help her against her fading and such. :pinkiesmile:

8122532

since the displaced really needs a unique story in it.

It probably wouldn't be displaced then. You just seem like you've read too much of the same type of story.

It's time to stop reading amateur displaced horse fanfictions, my friend. Perhaps you should look into other fiction. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth: let these horse words be a gateway drug to greater words. Maybe you could let some alien words take your mind into outer space, or maybe you could live out outlandish fantasies.

8122955

You seem like a relatively new writer, so I feel like I should tell you this: TGM's complaints aren't valid, they're complaining about core elements of displaced stories. It'd be like me ordering a chicken salad even if I always hated everything but the chicken.

The problem is, people want to see humans and ponies interact, because cultural exchange is really exciting. But a lot of the time, people try to force themselves to write displaced fics, and the menu ends up being nearly all salad. in the end, everyone loses, and everyone goes home increasingly hungry for interesting interaction.

Except for me, because I know how to cook. :derpytongue2:

Where were we again?

Oh yeah. Your writing is actually really good. I can spot several mistakes, sure, but you stay true to mlp and you write realistic feeling characters. You wrote Celestia's dialogue right early on, you kept Granny Smith's dialogue up and have her interesting things to say, which I actually have never seen before in this site, and you wrote a realistically depressed character when it comes to Mare. (Though, I think a lot of her problems could be helped with regular meaningful work with commitment contracts and regular psychiatric check ups, but I'm probably one of the few people who knows what this sentence even means.)

8123812 Wow, that probably the nicest thing anyone has said about my writing. For me writing is all about character, to hear that I do them well is a real joy for me, Thank you for your kind words and thank you for reading:twilightsmile:

I.... Don't get it.
Seriously. WHY the fck would you use displaced shtick?
It brought literally 0 to plot. With the same actions she took you could easily tie her to the original and just make crossover.
Well, I gave it a chance. It's not ideal, but I was interested in overall concept of this "mare" character.

If there will be any displaced crossovers - I'll just drop it. It's not so deep in that shitty universe to warrant them. There is so few fics that could be great, despite their displaced upbringing.

In conclusion: that was nice overall, I hope it will stay the same.

This whole "Mare defeated NMM" reek of typical Displaced sh...tick when Displaced steal all of Mane 6 achievements and in a span of one-two-four chapters demote them to useless extra or "damsels in distress". Really hope that I`m wrong but...

8123920 The reason I used displaced? Why does anyone use displaced, so they can make a similar character to one they like, without having the baggage of said character. The actual Mare is happy where she is thank you, I like her too much to take her away from what she has. And doing it this way allows me to put entirely new baggage on the character and make her my own, without being to constricted.

That and well, It seemed like fun:twilightsmile:

As for crossovers... I don't intend to cross-over meaninglessly, I won't just go "Hey look everybody, its Gilgamesh!" Studio audience Applause. As much as it might be fun to work with some other authors, If there is any crossing over to be done, it will only be in a way that aids Mares growth as a character, I won't accept any others for this story. Mare has a planned character arc, and problems that can't be solved with violence, having largely combat-centric characters pop in every now and then wouldn't do much for the story apart from pointless cameo, and I like my story too much to subject it to that. I doubt anyone will ask for crossover anyway, Mare isn't particularly crossover friendly in the first place, to much trust issues, and with Zero combat ability.

That said, if a chance for a fun yet pointless crossover shows up that is too tempting to pass up, I will keep it in a separate side story, so as not to affect the general viewing, and be treated as harmless side content.

That said again, this story will have a displaced extended cast, Displaced characters that I have made up with no stories of their own that will interact with mare at times, to aid her with character development, such as an uncle figure and similar. I'm sorry if this upsets you but that is simply how my muse wrote it in my head, can't argue with inspiration.

I hope this satisfies you, and thank you for reading.

P.S Although you talked about the original... are you one of those people who didn't have to look up the visual novel? If so, welcome fellow weeb. If not well alright, I'll just slink back into the darkness where the NERDS BELONG:derpytongue2:

8123752 Makes sense. I know we aren't supposed to live forever and whatever but even if we did I'd figure we'd just forget some things, or we'd just lose detail. Maybe we'd even go insane, then get bored of being insane and become sane again!

8124036
Alright, I'll go ahead and ask for the sake of sheer curiosity.

Why does anyone use displaced, so they can make a similar character to one they like, without having the baggage of said character.

Then why not just do that without the displaced tag? The whole set up adds literally nothing to the story and chains you into using the same tired tropes that every other displaced writer has already used over and over again. So why? What benefit does the displaced tag provide? Because I can't see any possible way that following a massively overused formula is somehow better and more interesting than writing your own, unique story in your own, unique way.

Unless it's just for the views, since seeing the word "displaced" on a story is better clickbait on this site than porn. If that's why then I really can't say you made a poor choice.

8124025 Don't worry, after this point, she won't have too much interactions with the Mane six, As she can only come out at night and is now nowhere near Ponyville. She won't be stealing any of Twilights and friends achievements she will have no role in discords return, and only a minor role in the Canterlot wedding, and her existence will be virtually unknown to the public.

“Those curtains are fine Luna… Coincidentally, so are last five pairs you’ve shown me.”

“But what about these…”

“LUNA!”

“IT MUST BE PERFECT!”

That's like my mother when we go shopping for formal clothes. :facehoof:

8124066 If you want the honest answer? its already there, the paragraph underneath:

That and well, It seemed like fun

It was just how my inspiration struck me, maybe with a bit more time and planning, it could have been its own thing, thats just how the idea came to me. I don't feel particularly constrained by the formula, hell, the rules of the displaced seem to differ from story to story.

I find its both fun and good practice to write within constraint, that why I started writing Fanfiction in the first place.

All in all, I write for fun, I post it up here because I like sharing with a community that has given my quite a lot of enjoyment over the years I've been a part of it.:twilightsmile:

8124073
(checklist for 10 items, each with a rating)
okay so just mark the one you want
(marks all 10)
"oh just pick the one i rated highest"
(marked all of them 10/10)
(later gets upset and tells someone else to just pick one, then gets mad at them for picking the wrong one)

women, amirite xd

“No seriously, what does she mean by barking?”
“I REFUSE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY SISTER!” I laugh so hard at this point I can't wait to see what happens next :twilightsmile:

8123812 I don't think that's what they were saying at all. Reading it, the criticism I see - and agree with - is this:

The author here is significantly more competent than basically every other Displaced entry ever, which boil down to 'Some adolescent/young adult male goes to a convention, gets superpowers, goes to Equestria, and breaks shit'. The latter is tedious; here, at first, there are several deviations that make it better.

Namely that the writing is more technically competent than the others, and that the protagonist, at first, is more compelling.

(There's one exception - the bit in the Human World, where I felt like I was reading her as her future-self, rather than the glimpse of child-her we get right before she deletes her own memories).

And that's the core problem : The deleting of memories. What this does is essentially deletes the Protagonist and replaces her with - well, the 'Hollow' self that is left in its place.

And so all the potential there is gone in one paragraph, and now - well, an easy way to put it on some level is 'From that point forwards, how would this be any different than if she had just been her future-self all along?'.

Nearly every Displaced fic I've ever glanced at I've downvoted after reading the first chapter. This one? I'm staying neutral. It's good enough to not merit the downvote, but at the same time it's not quite in upvote territory because, well, the core question of 'What happens when a small child gets sent here?' isn't really what the story is about, it's about 'What happens when an anime character crosses over?', at least currently.

TGM

“This. Explains. So much!” says Applejack, as her siblings share confused glances.

Kinda weird to see Applejack talking this way.

“But isn’t, like confusing?”

Missing a word here.

Otherwise the chapter was alright, nothing really to note. setting the scene for the rest of the story is par for the course.

TGM

8123812

I'm not one to defend Displaced, but there are a few that have broken the mold and done things differently. The same formula can be used with a different outcome, and I openly acknowledged that in my last reply to the author.

and for the record, I do read and write other types of fanfics, seeing a displaced fic in the feature box caught my attention because I well and truly haven't seen a displaced fic there for a really long time.

And no, my complaints are valid, because as an admin of the displaced group for almost a year, I have seen hundreds of fics with this same exact premise all fall into the same predictable formula that most displaced fics inevitably fall into, and I have openly offered my help to the author in the way of criticism to keep the same from happening to them. Of course if they want to continue doing that regardless that's their decision, I'm merely suggesting ways the fic could be improved.

I'm so happy that this story got featured or i might have missed it.
A good story with well made characters.
looking forward to where the story will go from here.

Applejack looks at the being called Mare, then back to her elderly, yet spritely Granny, then back again to the grim reaper who is apparently her friend. Then she does what she is told, and then walks back to her siblings.
“This. Explains. So much!” says Applejack, as her siblings share confused glances.

Yeah, apparently being good friends with The Reaper is good for your long term health, who knew? :derpytongue2:

Nice chapter, good work. :twilightsmile:

8124685

That's actually a good point. Deleting her memories really removes some of her humanity from her. I wouldn't say she's an anime character now, since she didn't replace the memories with anything. She's more just... hollow.

8124771

Well, I'm certainly not as well versed in the displaced genre, but that might actually help my side of the argument. To someone who doesn't know the tropes as well, I can't see them done and done again and learn to hate them like experienced music producers hate hearing the default FL Studio sounds. And while that hate will usually warn you of amateur, often bad stories/music, it doesn't mean the person producing it really made bad art. Most of your complaints seemed to be from the perspective of an expert that way.

That said, displaced tropes, like the default FL Studio sounds, seem to be there so new users can produce something mildly enjoyable before they finish climbing up the learning curve of production. More experienced authors should try to stay from using displaced tropes if they can. I believe this author can, since they subverted some of them.

Actually, now that I think about it, the best (near) displaced I read is hardly identifiable as displaced, and that would be Alararogers's Not the Hero, which turns all the usual tropes on their heads and exposes the worst parts of them. I suppose that says something about the displaced genre as a whole.

In that case, I guess reading this story is like watching a grown man riding a tricycle. Sure, they're good at what they're doing, but they're still riding a tricycle.

TGM

8125489

Repetitiveness is boring, though. If every single fiction in a genre (take HiE for example) started in the exact same way, person ends up in Equestria, befriends ponies, simple SoL stuff, etc, most readers would probably lose interest before the more interesting stuff even started.

I'm not saying the author committed a sin or something choosing to start this out the way they did, I was merely suggesting that it is the same eye rolling trope that almost every Displaced fic starts out with. person goes to a con dressed up as a character. Find something they want at the con. Buy it. Wow, I'm in Equestria now! Have some events vaugely hinted at that transpired around 1,000 years ago. That's almost the exact same thing in the majority of Displaced fics, I'm not saying that every fic has to break the mold and separate itself from the rest, but if you want to catch and keep a reader's interest, you have to mix it up from the usual formula.

You seem to be suggesting that I think this fic is straight up bad. I think it could have started out a little better, perhaps something a little different to give the Displaced formula a little mix up, but I understand that the author is new and learning, hence why I'm offering to help them. I'm not saying what they made is inherently bad, heck it's a lot better from some of the worse Displaced fics that I've seen, but the formula for making a bad fic is there, and I'm hoping that they steer clear of that as best they can.

8124685
8125489
8125538
It seems there is something I must adress about Mares character, or as some of you have pointed out, her lack of one. Believe it or not, this is intentional.

I didn't want to say this earlier, because I didn't think it wise to, as is it slightly spoiler-ish, but it seems now I must. Mares entire character Arc is based around recovering what she lost, learning how to be a child again, and remembering what she forgot, learning how to be brave and not run away from her problems, how to rely on others, and becoming a happier person then she was even before she was displaced.

Her character right now is snarky, and distant. But she will get better, some of that child might even start shining through in upcoming chapters.

Heads up though, Mare is a very weird child.

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