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Trying to see how many ways I can hurt Applejack, apparently. Ko-Fi | Patreon



This story is a sequel to Mistakes We Make

The mirror showed a reflection, sure, but it was almost like looking at… a stranger.

Applejack struggles with an identity issue and finds solace in someone close. Although, things don't go quite as expected when the truth is revealed. Everything is fine, though. It has to be. Does it really count as lying if it’s to yourself?

Part of my Transverse AU!

Written as part of Quill’s and Sofas Speedwriting’s T is for Trans contest! Thanks to everyone who read the original version of this and left awesome comments on it. (List will be added once the contest is over ^^)

Consider donating to Point of Pride (A charity for Trans People!)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 126 )

Nice concept & story there! I am omnisexual male, but also support all the spectrums of LGBTQIA+! Wish to see more soon.

Thank you for the comment! I am glad you enjoyed.

Honestly it's refreshing to read a trans story that is a little tougher, because at least in my experience it isn't something fun or easy. It's rough, and by my estimation it's going to be a long time before AJ really feels comfortable with herself. Pride isn't always triumphant proclamations of self love, sometimes it's asking yourself hard questions and coming away with answers you weren't entirely ready to hear. Anyway, well done!

That was exactly the kind of story I wanted to write because being trans is hard. It’s definitely never been easy for me, and I’m still struggling to feel okay with myself. I wanted to tell a story that had both the good and the bad (the good being Twilight’s immediate acceptance and encouragement and the bad being Rarity’s whole thing [even though she was still accepting and supportive]). It just felt more real to me as something that I fear happening to me as a trans person.

Thank you for the comment :)

Great Story, a bit sad, but still a fantastic read nonetheless and I hope it gets a lot of up votes.

This made me cry. I broke down bawling because it spoke so much to my own experiences.

Especially the hair, the long hair and the...facial hair. That damned stuff is my worst dysphoria trigger by far.

Though I wasn't lucky enough to transition till my late twenties, I also had a trans dude boyfriend help me figure myself out. Married the guy even. (And we're polyamourous too, so that also spoke to me, even if we have no one else with us yet.)

Ugh and poor Applejack, getting insta dumped by Rarity. Least she's still got Twilight. That was rough and made me feel pretty mad at Rarity. I get it, but still.

This was a wonderful story and I loved it. It's good to see quality trans stories. If I wasn't so busy with Star Trek: Phoenix I'd be writing one of my own. Maybe next year. We'll see.

Thank you for writing it.

Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me that I was able to speak to someone.

In the end, I wanted to write an authentic trans experience. While it's nice to see the happy ones, sometimes those are not the most accurate representations of what being transgender is like, you know?

I'm glad you were able to find a good partner (and now spouse) with your then-boyfriend, now husband. It's always a good thing to have someone to help you through it.

I hope I didn't second-hand trigger your dysphoria, and if I did I'm sorry. Also sorry for making you cry :P I've had to say that a lot recently.

As for Rarity, that's something else I feel needs to be talked about more. Not every relationship will last, unfortunately, when someone comes out as trans. And while I know that it's easy to be mad at Rarity, overall I hoped that the reader would understand the message I was trying to send with that plotline. (I'll leave that up to you).

Again, thank you for the comment, and sorry for making you cry. I hope things go well for you and if you wrote a trans story sometime, I would personally love to see it ^^

This really strongly reminded me of the day it suddenly fell into place for myself. No break-up happened, but that was certainly an emotionally harrowing morning that left me with absolutely no energy to even cry about it for several days.

It hurts, it hurts so good. Give me more.

I never really like gender bend stuff within fandoms but it was interesting and I really liked this story! It was so emotional :fluttercry: but I actually like that it had a realistic feel and didn’t end happy. Ik that may sound weird :twilightsheepish:

You really touched on issues I've felt when dealing with this stuff. I really feel for AJ here

This is such a beautiful story!

Happy pride month ~ :heart:

Mica #15 · Jun 26th, 2021 · · 3 ·

This must have been a deeply personal story for you, considering your connection with Applejack.

Glad this resonated with you. As for more? Well... maybe ;) I do have lots of ideas.

Im glad you liked this one despite your thoughts on gender bending. I tried to make this one more real than happy, so I guess it worked out well.

Yeah, I tried to make this one... possibly relatable? by including both good and bad aspects. Thanks for the comment :>

Thanks :D happy pride month to you, too!

You could definitely say that

Dawwwh. This hit me in a lot of ways I didn't expect. I just wanna say this is awesome and you keep doing what you're doing because you are damn good at it. Never let the haters win. Keep being awesome.

Aw thank you for the kind words :> I very much appreciate it

Rarity nodded once. “And I do support you, of course…”

Oh no.

oh lord. that instant dread really gets me.

i'm honestly glad this didn't have a happy ending; while i do love feel-good trans ponies, it's also important to have the bad experiences. and not necessarily just blatant transphobia. like how other people's perceptions of you can change so suddenly

At least most of them looked full of pity. Applejack knew she’d be seeing that look for a long time.

to how that breakup makes her doubt her own feelings, and will most likely leave a lasting impact on their relationship. from aj's perspective, at least.

At least… at least she told Rarity. This is what Applejack wanted, right?

hopefully aj can talk things through with rarity, and the two of them can work through her feelings together. its what she deserves.

augh. im not good with words. this story was really good and im glad it exists, is what im trying to say :')
i hope you write more of these 🥺👉👈 trans man twilight is my lifeblood

It breaks my heart that you're nervous about this story and expecting a bad reaction, because you don't deserve it. The story is well written, it's filled with care and emotion, and you deal with the drama in the story with honesty and compassion. I don't think it's jarring at all; it's not a "happy story", but they don't all need to be. It's still beautifully done.

If there is anything "jarring" about it--and this is entirely a matter of personal taste, so don't take this as a critique--is that story elements such as Twilight being a trans boy, and the relationship between him, Applejack and Rarity are introduced too casually, in the middle of the story, almost as if they were obvious things that we would've known from the start. I guess you wrote it that way because, within the story, they are casual things (or because it was displayed on a previous story, but that wasn't pointed out in the description), but as a reader, I feel a bit of a jolt and I'm temporary yanked out of the story, and have to ease myself back in. But, after I eased myself in, it all felt well written and made sense within the story. So don't think I'm telling you to change your writing style, please.

It still gets a thumbs up from me, and I congratulate you for a story well done. I hope the like/dislike ratio is not as bad as you feared it was, and that you get lots of positive comments from here on. Thank you for posting this!

Aw thank you for this comment! I can sympathize with being bad with words, don’t worry ^^ I’m glad you enjoy. And who knows? I might just write more, I do have a whole bunch of ideas for this anyway :>

Ah this comment made me smile, really. I dunno, I’m always just nervous posting things that are a little more personal to me, which this is. I agree with what you said about transman Twi and the throuple but honestly I didn’t know how else to write it in, haha. Thank you for this comment :D I’m glad you liked the story

Honestly can’t understand why this has the like/dislike ratio it does. It’s wonderfully written. Bravo; I suppose some people are just asshats

Thanks! That means a lot. Honestly, i was expecting worse. Trans fics have a tendency to do poorly on here, although this is doing better than I thought it would

Probably because it's an uncomfortable topic for a lot of folks, and it's only gotten worse in recent times with the discussion/topic being hijacked by hyper-focused special interest types, who make trans individuals out to be some of the most emotionally vulnerable/fragile types to be found anywhere. Just a few examples:

You've got the types who claim misgendering should be considered an act of aggression, treated as grounds for legal ramifications, or tantamount to abuse.

The types who have stated that a trans individual being referred to by their birth pronouns rather than their preferred pronouns, or being called by their "dead name" can cause them to experience crippling depression that could motivate them to commit suicide.

The types who claim gender is fluidic and subject to change, and an individual can be male one day, female another day, back to male another day, or some undiscovered gender an entirely different day. Even though this notion serves to undermine the trans notion entirely by making it out to be nothing more than a temporary mood

The types who claim individuals who claim they identify as trans should be able to use whatever facilities they want, with no effort made to verify that these individuals really are trans folks and not simply sexual deviants looking to exploit a policy change.

The types who claim a child at the age of three is perfectly capable of knowingly who and what they are, and that parents should be arrested and charged with child abuse for not affirming the belief of their child as being the truth.

And on, and on, and on...

The whole trans topic wouldn't be such a hot button issue if it hadn't been hijacked for political purposes by idiot politicians looking to pander to as many folks as possible simply so they can ensure their own election/reelection.

Ohhhh WOOF, that hurt... But in the kind of way pulling out a nasty splinter hurts, where it's sore but you know it's going to heal fine later. Really good stuff.

Dude you could have saved a bunch of time by just saying you don't like trans people.

How dare he have the temerity to disagree with the party line in any way? For shame.

I dunno, saying some mildly transphobic things on a story about being trans is kinda a dumb choice, but that's just my opinion.

He said nothing particularly transphobic, but okay.

I liked this soo much during the contest, going to have to read it again here.

saying that genderfluid people aren’t real/are made up is transphobic, and implying that deadnaming/misgendering can’t lead to feelings of depression/build up to suicide is just ignorant, not to mention the implications that bathrooms should be more policed to trans folks (how are you going to prove someone is trans? a lot of trans people don't “look” trans).

Disagreeing with some of the points of the Canon of Intersectionality isn't transphobic. That's called not sharing the same exact opinions as the fringe who came up with them.

Again, saying that genderfluid is not real is transphobic because who are you to say that it isn’t real. It is transphobic to imply that someone’s gender is not real, to police it. How is that not transphobic? You can’t disagree with someone’s existence. At that point you’re just being ignorant



Ooh hoo hoo this ones a bit different! I hope you like this version

Twilight nodded. “Okay, I think this is an easier way to confirm if you really are trans. If you like it, you can keep with it until you’re sure,” he pointed out. “See, if I was talking to, say, Rainbow Dash about you I’d go ‘hey look! There goes my girlfriend Applejack! She’s so cool, right? I mean, have you seen her lately?! Her hair is getting nice and long, and it looks really nice on her!’” Twilight exclaimed with a bit too much excitement as she pointed at nothing. “And then Rainbow Dash would go ‘oh yeah, you’re right! Wow, that Applejack sure is awesome! I’m so glad I’m her friend!’”

I'm not crying, you're crying! These tears are just... rain! The roof is leaking! You're certainly not striking a very personal chord with how I figured out I'm nonbinary! Nothing of the sort!

... this is good, don't let the transphobes in the comments tell you otherwise. Block and ignore 'em, they aren't worth your time.

“Why would you think I don’t want you there?” Rarity asked softly. “Applejack, I know that I said you and I weren’t going to work out, but I want you to be happy, as well. If it’s okay with you and with Twilight, we can still all be together. It’ll just be less of a triangle and more like a…”

Also, this pretty much encompasses my feelings for one of the people in my polycule who's genderfluid. I'm a lesbian. It can get complicated, and he's been leaning more and more towards being a dude, and so I feel very much like Rarity does in this situation. Way to tackle a complicated subject super well!

It's not trans individuals that I don't like. Merely how the entire matter has been so horribly mishandled, mismanaged, and outright exploited.

I disagree, strongly, with the notion that trans individuals are so fragile in terms of emotional/psychological stability, that simple rudeness can actually send them into a depressed state that might cause them to commit suicide as a direct result. That's pure BS and completely dismisses the resiliency of the human species that has allowed it to persevere for as long as it has.

For years I used to believe that I could fly like a bird if I simply flapped my arms hard enough. Science said I was wrong, but I said I was right and I knew myself at that age. Science didn't know me as an individual, so how could it possibly be right?

Even though science said it was impossible, I was absolutely convinced it was possible, to the point one day I was going to climb up a ladder to the second story roof so I could jump off and fly by flapping my arms. The only reason I didn't is because my parents stopped me before I could actually do it and learn for myself that I was right or wrong about my hypothesis.

Your allegory is simply ridiculous about having wings is completely ridiculous and irrelevant. People experience and express their gender identities in different ways. Just because you don’t understand it (since you have never experienced it and I guess never bothered to ask a genderfluid person what it’s like) doesn’t mean you should say it is detrimental to the trans movement as a whole. The majority of trans people would disagree with you because it is important to support other trans people. Gender fluidity falls under the non-binary umbrella, which in turn falls under the trans umbrella. It’s just a label. Why do you feel the need to state that it isn’t real? Gender identity is not the same as thinking you can sprout wings because ultimately, you can’t. I think you have a misconception of what gender fluidity means as a whole.

“Often, the term is used to mean that a person’s gender expression or gender identity — essentially, their internal sense of self — changes frequently. But gender fluidity can look different for different people.”


Secondly, you must not understand mental illness. Are you trans? Do you know what it’s like to have depression? Often, these two as a mix can be deadly. Supporting trans people lowers the rate of trans suicide by a lot. Misgendering and deadnaming causes a lot of harm to your mental wellbeing. Just because you think humans are resilient doesn’t make it true, especially not for everyone. You say its BS but it has happened to MANY many trans people. It almost happened to me. It has been a continuous problem for me simply because of “rudeness”. People are resilient, but suicide has been a thing for forever. Sometimes, anything can push you over the edge. If you don’t know what that feels like, feel lucky, because for some people that is not the case. Just because you think it shouldn’t happen doesn’t mean it doesn’t.

Furthermore, I ask that you either block me, educate yourself, or just... don’t interact with me on this story anymore.

^^ Thank you for the comment! I’m glad it felt real to you, and thank you for the kind words :D

If you have comments pertinent to this story I'd advise you to leave them, but so far you are just ranting about what you dislike about how transgender topics are covered in general. If it's pertinent to the story get more specific, if it's not find somewhere else to rant. We don't need every story that's even trans adjacent to have its comment section devolve into tangential rants.

This is super relatable. I'm non-binary and i hate having to shave all the time.

Yeah. I dont gotta deal with that myself but know that shit sucks if you dont want it

So tell me, is gender fluid, or is it fixed? It has to be either one or the other, it can't possibly be both. Meaning one side of the equation is wrong in their belief about themselves and the world around them. So which of them is wrong?

Do you know what it’s like to have depression?

As a matter of fact I do. Depression and all-consuming self-hatred are two topics that I'm intimately familiar with to a degree I desperately wish I wasn't. To the point that, at least once a day, every single day, I contemplate whether or not killing myself would be worthwhile.

The sole reason I haven't followed through with it is because I've researched the matter. I know the kind of pain such an act causes those around you who care about you even if you don't care about yourself. And the thought of hurting others simply because I want to end my own pain, just makes me hate myself all the more as a result.

It's a special kind of personal hell to not only be mentally ill, but to also know full well that you're mentally ill, and understand that what you think you want won't actually make you any happier than you are currently.

There are times I wonder just what I am, besides mentally defective. There are times I hate every aspect of my body structure and just want to change it to reflect what I'd like to look like. But there's no way I could afford to do it because of the sheer scope of changes that would be necessary to get to that point. My self-hatred extends all the way down into the layout of my entire skeleton.

At one point I considered it, because of how much I wanted to be different from the perceived misshapen lump I see myself as. But then I found trans individuals who admitted their transition surgery didn't make them any happier, made them feel worse, wished that they'd never undergone it in the first place, and de-transitioned through additional surgeries because they realized only after the fact that they we happier the way they were to begin with.

Learning that just made my own situation worse, and left me wondering what's even the point of trying something radical and costly if I might just wind up with nothing but scars and debt to show for my efforts? Why waste my life savings on a long shot with no guarantee that could leave me hating myself even more than I already do?

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