I'm am an autistic brony, looking to write fantasy and everyday life novels for my kind. I became a brony when I related well with applejack and twlight, and I love the show.
What’s a apple farmer to do when sh finds an injured mermaid in one of her orchards ponds?
Written for national writting month 2019, Based entirely on just trying to come up with an idea based on lookins art here.
Proofread by tails
*adding sex tag just in case for later on
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Before I read this, I must know: How does a sea creature end up in a freshwater pond?
Interesting. You beat me to it. Even used the same cover art. Now I have to follow and compare.
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Displaced sharknados.
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Dimensional gate? Connection to an underground river?
This seems interesting.
I would like to see this story continue. So far, apart from some grammatical errors, it’s good, and maybe it’ll be more good as the story continues.
You have my attention
Not bad at all. Nice start and well paced.
You do however badly need to proof read your work or get an editor.
There were a few examples of using the wrong word ( tale when you meant tail, or your when you should have used you're), missing capital letters, missing full stops and missing apostrophes.
I'm pretty excited about this. I've been out of the fandom and site for a few years now, only coming back to see if I had any new messages, but this piqued my interest to the point I'll come to the site just to see if this updated or not.
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Now that’s what I call motivation!
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Easier said than done ^^’
Although I’ll keep an eye out for those particular grammar errors before the next chapter posting and will just now get this into the looking for editors group! :D
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Trust me I know the pain. Especially when you're in the flow of writing. You're getting words down and your ideas out and you don't worry about things like grammar.
Easily done mate.
What errors there were in the chapter did not pull me out of the story. I was immersed and j enjoyed it. I only mentioned it because there can be assholes on this site who will jump all over you and rip you apart for such things, while at the same time forgetting we're all amateurs enjoying a hobby.
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Well appreciated :) and be sure to check my blog post of a little sneak peak for the trouble ;)
Now that's a title I never expected
fishfingers!!!
get it... its a sex joke...........
Il show myself out
Loving the interactions so far. Also, the barn? Where she promised Apple Bloom can hold her party if I'm remembering correctly? Wondering if that's hinting at Apple Bloom meeting Rarity soon.
Lovely chapter.
Welp, AJ successively snuck Rarity in.... Now the question is how long can she keep her hidden
Nice happy! Let’s hope that this story ends with the two being together! Not that “Guppy Love” wasn’t bad, it was great!
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Agreed
what I think made it great/unique was the lack of magical elements. You know, no mermaid to human or Vic versa tf and had to deal with the fact. I mostly came up with this idea after looking more into mermaid troops and themes I liked and wanted to try some of them myself. Where Paul’s seemed to want to go against a lot of them...
So basically I’m being like j.k. And he like Martian Xad
That's a new one. Goes from nerd to construction nerd. Twilight's Discount Building Supplies! Few other bits here and there like spaces needed but not too bad. It took me four days to remember the movie I was trying to recall. "Splash" with Tom Hanks in it. Been trying to recall what the name of it was since, like, chapter four of Guppy Love. With this chapter Rarity has a lot in common with that mermaid.
Just be careful you don't borrow too much from 'Splash'.
Now what excuse will AJ use on her friends when they meet Rarity? I'm guessing "Someone who was in a coma for ten-fifteen years, their muscles atrophied so they need help getting around and since they were young when they were in a coma they need help adjusting to all the changes that happened in the meanwhile". Yeah, that's the perfect excuse.
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Yes, splash was an insperation ^^’
However, heaven help me if I’ll ever become a copy, paste, name replace fan fiction author |-(
That said, there were still some parts of splash I didn’t like and think were cringy I would of done differently that will be bigger influences here moving forward
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Inspirations are fine. Always can help out. Yeah, that movie had some cringe to it. Typical 80s movie though. Twilight is a dead ringer for the crazy scientist if she goes off the handle. Far more opportunities for shenanigans now that they know Rarity can switch forms. Will she go fish mode in fresh water? Salt water? The rain? Spa treatments would be rough.
Well, I anticipate shenanigans, chicanery and tomfoolery all around. AJ needing to take a… *ahem*… "bathroom break" got me laughing out loud.
Welp, AJ seen her naked... Now, all we need to do is get them the kiss and boom, we're a couple
Pre-readers chapter 4
Inside the picture was, who she assumed, was a much younger Applejack, in between whom she had to guess was her mother and father
J:This is a bit crude. Consider:
On the picture was, as she assumed, a much younger Applejack, standing in between - if she had to guess - her mother and father.
Along the top of the frame, she was mostly sure, read
J: Consider:
'She was almost certainly sure that along the top of the frame it read'
AP: Went with;
Along the top of the frame, read,
They ‘also’ wouldn’t have kept anything that was crudely made by herself.
J: why the 'also'. You might remove it.
, she placed the photo on it’s top and began looking for pants that would do
J: This sounds a bit strange.
Is she looking for pants that she intends to wear?
Maybe something like:
'adequate pants she could wear'
AP: Went with;
too, and continued looking for a pair of pants she liked.
the first thing she saw were a pair of papers.
J: I have never seen two pieces of paper described as a pair. I'm not sure it's correct.
Consider:
'were two sheets of paper'
If I get one more college application in my underwear, Rarity thought the word was, draw, I will- she couldn’t read what the other words were, but got the gist of Applejack’s anger in the words.
J: This could be formatted more clearly.
Possibly like this:
If I get one more college application in my underwear
- Rarity thought the next word was 'drawer' -
, I will
- she couldn’t read any further words but got the gist of Applejack’s anger in them.
Also, consider any texts that are quoted from the paper in italics to let them stand out from the rest of the text.
the, most, acceptable
J: why do you separate the words like this?
Is this to intonate them separately like Rarity's 'the. worst. possible. thing.' (like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExDaDmz9NFM, just maybe not THAT strongly)?
Maybe use dot (.) or hyphen (-) instead in that case.
Like:
'browsing for - the - most - acceptable - accessoires.'
If it is not intended to be intoned in a special way just leave the semicolons out.
t, she couldn’t not help not thinking
J: Maybe a 'not' too many in there?
Maybe you mean
'she couldn't help thinking'
or at most, though more confusing or ironic:
'she couldn't help not thinking
the fact that she no longer had to hide the fact Rarity ‘wasn’t’ a mermaid
J: Are you sure 'wasn't' is adequate here? Maybe 'was' is more correct?
Depends how you see it.
On the one hand she doesn't have to hide her since she looks human now, on the other she still has to keep it secret that she could transform into one
AP: Opps ^^’ Yeah, was fits better
ate. 2) tell me how I find out if what we’re going on a date/how would I find out if they like me?
J: that's a bit confusing. maybe try something simpler:
''tell me how I could find out if they like me
Maybe leave out the question mark since it is not really a question.
Ploy’s a thing, but be wary of that. Afterword, hell if I know
J: I'm not sure what DR's trying to say here. That she should be wary of being tricked? If so, then consider exchanging 'but' for 'so'.
I don't think Tails did the right correction, likely 'Afterwards' is the correct word - however again it's not clear what RD's trying to say. Does she mean to do or be aware of something after the date? You may want to rephrase the whole sentence.
Ap: This took me a bit to think what I’d wanted, but I think I’m happy with what I picked ^^’
Anyways, peace and out!
J: That sounds awkward. RD would try to sound cool.
Maybe something like:
Now go get that guy! Rainbow Dash out.
Ap: yeah, about 20% more 😎 ^^’
“Helpful.” Applejack muttered.
J: earnest or in irony. By following sentences it's the former but wouldn't hurt to make it clearer. Maybe:
"That was helpful," Applejack muttered in a reassured tone.
Mermaid or man, ‘back’ home
J: just saying 'back' is not enough.
maybe elaborate with:
'back where she came from'.
or simply
'back home'.
And that’s all we’ve got for this installment with only one of my proofreaders leaving comments. There were a few grammar corrections I wanted to save, but those technically difficulty’s made me want to just get this chapter done so I can move on to finish the act, hopefully, before the end of the month. Meanwhile, let me know if you’d be interested in pre-reading
Nice chapter!
It's still very weird to see Dash be the one obsessed with AJ trying to get a date or finding one
Hey :)
I'm (one of the) the mentioned proofreader / editor.
Wow, I didn't think you would post my comments here, not that I have a problem with it :)
I'm not finished going through with more corrections and suggestions probably coming.
Good story so far.
I just looked at the tags:
Why add the Sex and Sad tags?
There is no Sex, not even innuendo.
Maybe there are sadder parts to come but it's not really a Sad story, just a bit of drama.
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Implied nudity
Also, yeah, I do that for every story. At first it was just a way to keep notes and critiques preserved for when the google docs would be eventually deleted. It still is for the most part, but it’s also just as much a time capsule to look back on as well.
I still find enjoyment from reading the notes from the pre-readers in Buttons Date when I’m feeling down and in the need for motivation.
Also, I’ll be sure to, one link you ^^’ and second, how would you like to be called in the notes? Just put in J because your name was Joahana was in the google docs
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I prefer to go by my artist/furry name Machara as before and my role im my help here is editor. Glad you like comments. Don't take them personal, i can be nitpicky. You are a good writer just need to improve on grammar and phrasing.
Btw i have a cast on my hand for the next week, so no editing for now.
Surprised that Winona wasn't aware of this.
No notes from the pre-readers this time around ^^' kind of just wanted to get this out before I got cold feet :/
if interested in becoming one, let me know
Great chapter!
I forgot what's been going on with the story, but good chapter though
Well, that was fun. And a bit of insight into Rare's world.
awesome chapter keep it up
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Thank you!
Been focused on my other story (nsfw account, no direct links >.>) and irl stresses, it feels good to be back on my main account where I get regular comments from fans like you
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That’s why I had that previously in the top author notes ^^’
Will remove soon :/ but got the idea from monachromatic
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Yeah, took some inspiration with it’s rival story, Guppy Love, when visualizing this mermaids world with mermaids not crying. Although the lack of hiccuping I came up on the spot when remembering something I learned in biology about how our hiccup reflex is a by-product of our ancestors transition From water to air breathing and, well, since at least these mermaid breath underwater, seemed like an interesting idea for a bit of comedic relief before the more serious, and more direct parallel to Guppy, with mermaids not crying
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Keep it
Great chapter!
Awww. Young love.
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
I read the whole thing a while ago. Why is it all unread now? Wtf?!
Great to see this one update again.
not complaining but I thought this was a different story that I'm tracking with the same icon. still a very good story worth reading imo
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Let me guess, Guppy love?
Although your praise is all the appreciation