• Member Since 10th Feb, 2014
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Muggonny


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Silverstream receives a package in the mail and is excited to show it to her friends. It's revealed to be an orb-like object called a "Bubble," and it has the ability to connect anycreature worldwide within a magically generated reality. Ocellus takes interest in it.

It's beyond what she could expect.

Made for The Discovery - A Young Six Writing Contest

A very special thanks to Jack of a Few Trades, Freedom, and Odd_Shot for the editing!

Featured on EqD!

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 49 )

As a millenial... I’m feeling personally attacked. :raritywink:

This is probably the best Ocellus or Silverstream story I’ve ever read.

this entire thing screamed "cyberpunk dystopia"
and had a subtle reek of flim and flam

10076473
Same...

But the concept was executed beautifully.

10076479
i mean, yeah
but it's almost done too well imo
it's uncomfortably real at times

Thought you should know this is currently featured!

You wrote a story. This is definitely a collection of keystrokes. It exists. You should feel validated that one of your mortal shouts into the void will be preserved until the site's servers go dark and all of the effort that we all collectively poured into telling stories to entertain each other with pony shenanigans is lost to the ravages of time forever.

Hey! You got featured! And I have mature content on, so that's, like, double-featured!

This magic orb is not only priceless, but inexpensive! (for Bubble Co.™ refund policy, see pg. 3)

Is this a Flim-Flam product? Because this feels like a Flim-Flam product. :rainbowlaugh:

Thank you for reminding me of how utterly pointless social media actually is, so I will now proceed to continue choosing to not take part in it.




...wait, FIMFiction counts, doesn't it? Crap!

10076467
I am glad you feel attacked. I need to work on more psychological-based weaponry.

Glad you enjoyed the story!

10076473
Would have really felt dystopian with the original ending I had planned, but it would have detracted from the rest of the story and ruin everything that was building up.

As for it being too real, I'm glad it came off as such. I have a heart for something that isn't directly disturbing but has that air around it that doesn't settle right.

10076479
Thanks. There was more I wanted to explore and not much time to work on the story, so I fit in what I could.

10076711
I know!!! :pinkiehappy:

10076858
Wow, this comment was quite the feet -- which is the best body part I can think of to describe how much I actually care.

10076989
It was something like, "You're a poo poo face."

10077068
Yes, now if only I can climb the box, my life will be complete.

10077070
It's okay, the story is about how social media leads people into seeking attention, and I am bathing in it right now.

10077189
Save that for when I get 43 likes.

This is certainly... a story. What an original concept.

“Yeah, um…” Silverstream looked away from the fire bird in embarrassment. “You see, I kind of already have my eyes on someone. I mean, you’re great too, but your attitude just isn’t… blue enough.”

Hah!

I love this story! Bravo!

Once the 'internet' part of it appeared, I was worried it might become akin to a video game, and how cool and exciting that is and why it's better than real life boring stuff, etc, etc...
Very, very pleased to see that wasn't the final message!
The whole story was well done, but the ending is what really sold me, as well as the wonderful friendship between these two (great characterization too). It was so satisfying to seem them focus on their real life and enjoy their time together, not in virtual reality but truly with each other and their other friends.

10077451
Glad you enjoyed it!

10077583
Glad I took the good route. If Jack didn't edit for this, I would have gone for a worse ending.

I agree with Ninjadeadbeard: one of the best Young Six stories I've read. We don't get to see Ocellus interacting with the others that much, even in fanfiction. It's refreshing to see.

Also, why did I imagine the Bubble's voice as Claptrap?

The Bubble's for those who are desperate, lonely, and can't land one......like Twilight Sparkle!!!

10078982
I imagine it as Samantha from Her.


10079243
No u

I liked it but the end seemed weird to me. I get that the message was about enjoying the precious time you have together. But they also both agreed about being afraid of how little they'd see eachother after graduation. So it seems really weird to just throw away the clear solution to that future problem.

Its a very all or nothing take on online life that didnt feel like it made much sense with the characters.

10082244
Gotcha! Looking at the show's ending, I can see how that would be an issue. When I wrote this I didn't have it in mind, although I don't not want to equate it to what I have written. I wanted to write a story about the dangerous effect on social media, and I did that. When I wrote the ending, I wanted to focus on a realistic aspect where not all problems are solved like in fantasy. As someone who's been out of graduation a year and a half now, I find myself scrolling through Facebook and seeing pictures everyday of people I have a low chance of seeing irl again. In the final moments, I wanted to focus on the luring effect social media can have much like how we do to our phones in that one day we will have to decide one day if we choose to spend time together or keep living in our own little bubbles. If we choose to remain communicated via social media, then how deep in the rabbit hole are we willing to go?

Thank you for bringing this up, because it is something I overlooked, but at the same time rewriting it to fit that would leave a new impression on the story and not one that I would want to home in on since I'd basically be going, "Oh, social media kinda dumb, but it's okay so long as you have friends on there."

In the original ending I had intended, I was going to have Ocellus touch her head to the Bubble one more time to show the hypocritical relation we have with this technology; where we are prudent to our presence on social media, but we continue to remain on it despite the knowledge that it's kinda BSy. However, the characters didn't allow for that ending, and instead it became one where the characters talked to each other directly and not over some messenger.

Do not think that you what said I will forget next time I'm writing a story like this. There is a possible sequel in the works, and I will most likely write with what you brought to mind. Thank you!

What’s the Sex tag for?

10111680
Sexual references. i.e. Silverstream going "This does not equate to my understanding of fish anatomy" and The Hall of Butts.

Raven thought for a moment, not seeming to catch on to what Ocellus was saying. Then her eyes widened in realization. “ Oh, you mean — well, it’s my lucky day to explain this to you.” She laid a talon to her chest in a my-backpack-is-better-than-your-backpack manner. “I am what they call a Social Influencer! By being my character self, strutting about in odd manners that would make any male ogle, not only have I acquired the highest of followings, but I use my popularity to influence others to join in on the game of popularity. Trust me deary, soon after we’re finished, you’re going to want to follow me everywhere!”

Well could be worse she could be a can girl on twitch LOL

So like did anyone else just get dejavu of Twitter Facebook online forum's and how they can turn into a fight in 2secs over nothing

Hey Muggonny, you asked for a review when you entered The Discovery contest and as one of the judges, I'm here to give you one :twilightsmile:

The concept for this is something that I was excited for as soon as I saw it pop up in the entries list. It was something that was unique compared to the other submissions and felt like it was striving for something interesting. Reading immediately felt like a no-brainer to me, and that's important. This story has a catchy hook. It's not quite like what we usually see on this site.

The orb had a trance. It could be because she liked how her face reflected against its surface or that it had a magical appeal, but it still seemed… worthless to her. There was nothing unique about this miscellaneous object. It was just another toy from the back of a cereal box — well, probably several cereal boxes considering how expensive it looked. Absolutely nothing about it was interesting, yet absolutely everything about it was interesting.

This right here was a nice paragraph. I think your prose and comedy really shines with your characters. When Gallus gives Silverstream a cookie to get her off her philosophical tangent at the start of the story I was immediately interested in what your portrayal of the Young Six was going to look like. I'm also a fan of the small, quirky jokes that you sneak in like:

“Bubble Co.™ is not liable to any death or injuries and any resulting lawsuits may be settled via mortal combat within a 30 day period. Not eligible for refund. (See pg. 4 ‘The previous page holds no relevance nor is existent.’)”

Or

“Caw, caw!” quoth the Raven.

The first act of this story might be my favorite part because of this kind of thing. The banter from Gallus and Yona, Ocellus's curiosity drawing her towards the bubble, all leading to when Ocellus connects herself to The Hub (great name btw) are all things that flow really great together. Your handling of the dynamics of the Young Six is interesting, and it's a solid set-up to the next parts of the story.

Something that I was really missing, starting with the tavern in Griffonstone and ending towards that last act of the story, was Ocellus's mind. I was really enjoying seeing her figure out how to navigate the world, but once she steps into the tavern, it felt a little less like I was experiencing things through her eyes and more like you, the author, were showing me things that were obviously meant to parallel with things in the real world. Obviously, this is a fine joke to put in once or twice, but the character of Ocellus is who I'm here for, and her lack of inner monologue in this segment kind of left me wanting more.

Do I… like it here?

No, she hated it here. None of this was real. None of it was reality. It was better to live in reality than in some artificially created one. Of course, it was only sensible thinking. No way she could ever be into this place!

But the more she thought about it the more she realized: I do like it here, and I don’t want to. She didn’t want to be one of these “users,” who spent their days trying to acquire a following. She didn’t want to be constantly bombarded with products, placebo-friends, sponsors… she didn’t want this reality. She wanted a bubble. Someplace she could be herself without having to worry about the pictures she takes.

More paragraphs like this would have been wonderful. Because so much of the focus was on Silverstream and the crazy things that she got up to in the small span of time that she was alone for, it kind of stopped feeling like Ocellus's story to me, and while the visuals that you were describing were really enjoyable, I felt a little bit emotionally disconnected from what was happening because I wasn't quite sure what Ocellus really wanted out of anything that was happening. It's implied that she just wants to leave, which makes it a little confusing when she's the one to realize that 'This is fake and her friends are real.' because it felt like that was something that Ocellus was being set up to tell Silverstream.

It's also implied here that Ocellus might have been jealous of the attention that Silverstream was getting,

“I don’t want any of you to leave.” she choked. “I’ve been so caught up in trying to get you out of here, I didn’t think it was because I want to make every moment count with you. Not here, but out there! I’m sorry Silverstream. I should have let you just enjoy yourself.”

But that wasn't something that I properly understood was happening in the story, and I think it's because of that cutting back on Ocellus's interiority that happened once she got to the tavern. This kind of vagueness about the characters up until their revelation before exiting the Bubble was what made the message put into the ending fall a little flat for me.

To summarize, something that I really wanted more of from the story was a better sense of Ocellus and Silverstream's desires. That robbed the story of the driving force that I needed to have the ending make as much sense as it should have.

A fish-eye reflection surrounded by a starry apparatus stared back. Swaths of purple swirled as her brain became submerged within cosmos. Beyond a plain of existence, she could still exist in this artificially generated world. She didn’t have to worry about homework, studying, exams, her future. Anyone could be her friend, and all she had to worry about was the following she had —

The thought was gone quicker than she could pick the Bubble up and watch it shatter against the floor in a million starry pieces.

This, however, was a fun ending. Wrapped things up succinctly.

Overall, this story was one of the stronger submissions of the contest. I adored your dialogue and some of your more poetic prose, and the concept was highly original (at least in terms of the other submissions—I don't know how often this has been done on Fimfic because I don't usually read Sci-Fi type stuff). You had me entertained for most of it, and this kind of world would be something that I'd be willing to read more about.

Thank you so much for entering the contest, dude. You know where to find me if you need any clarification on anything I've said :heart:

this story stinks -5/10, should've asked me to edit so I could tell you to stop writing it, you idiot

I would rather give birth to a porcupine through my urethra than read this again.

0/10.

Fuck you, Muggayny.

A fantastic tale, and a great ending. I really do enjoy the way the original tone kept pace for the ending you finished up with, but I can agree with you staying true to yourself with this 'alternate' ending. I think this one reaches the main theme just as easily as the other; a proper alternative ending.

Thanks for writing, and I'll see you back at the Hub!

♡65

10215396
Thanks for being my 1000th reader.:heart:

I relate a lot to Ocellus here. Her disposition on the bubble is something I find in my own experience with the internet.

Also, I thought going in this was gonna go the Serial Experiments Pain route, which sadly it didn't, it did do something I also found enjoyable.

Despite some grievances with pacing near the end and so on.

Tired of not being able to focus on your work? Well, try Flim and Flam’s new focusing tonic!

Personally, I just call it Vyvanse.

♡69

I really liked the character work you did here. It was fairly subtle in many places, but a lot of stories with Ocellus seem to take that angle. These two girls made for a really fun duo and their wildly different reactions to the Bubblesphere made it a delight to follow. The comedy was appropriate and chuckle-worthy and didn't detract from things. A very plausible story of how young people can have super different reactions to social media.

I caught the tie-in to Jack's story too. Don't think I didn't.

Damn son, where'd you find this?

10277412
Gald somebody took notice to all the little things I crammed in. Let's see if I can ruin that with Bubble: Part II.

I caught the tie-in to Jack's story too. Don't think I didn't.

Jack actually references this story in Set Sail. It's very noticable if you put thought into it.

10277429
Considering I read Set Sail before this, I probably don't recall.

10277433
It was in the most recent chapter.

10277434
This gives me an idea.

“Connecting OCELLUS to the Hub Network.”

...
You motherfucker...

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