The Bubble

Summary: Ocellus was spending time trying to study with a couple of her bickering friends when Silverstream comes in with a Bubble, a device that connects them to this virtual world where Ocellus struggles to understand this new world around her.

Analysis: The main thing that threw me off is the sci-fi tag. Switching the Sci-fi tag with a Slice of Life tag would have made it clearer concerning the emotional aspects of this, also considering the mass use of social media. Admittedly finding the perfect tags for this is tricky. The other thing that caught me off guard was the Sex tag, but I guess that was for a few innuendos? I was also confused by the bickering in the group, considering that this is the young six we are dealing with. I would have liked more context and a resolution to the bickering between Yona and Gallus However, after going over the story a second time, it starts to give me a clear vision of what the writer was going for. This was a take on social media and it's influence on our lives, how it can trap us in this virtual world of popularity where so much is possible.

Rating:
Writing: 7. As interesting a read this is, I feel like more details should have been added in certain areas. Sometimes it needs clarification on the tone of voice or just better descriptions of the world around them.

The plot of the story: 8. I can not deny the uniqueness of this basis. Going into a virtual world and trying to react to things in this virtual reality is rather intriguing. I can see how much fun there is to be had with such a concept. A part of me feels like it could be explored more, but I enjoyed this story.

Story flow. 7. I had to read it twice to fully understand and enjoy it for what it is. It has its funny moments, and even though some of the jokes didn't really stick for me, I had to appreciate the moral of this story. Even though I find a few parts confusing, I can see why this was so appreciated by the fandom.

Final score. 22/30=7.3/10. It's a good read, but it has room for improvement in pacing and detail. I'd like to see how this writer develops further on.

How to improve: I am seeing a few grammar errors, bus in some areas I feel like there is the habit of "She said." without adding anything to it. Add more details of them interacting with said environment.

“Congratulations!” She read silently as Ocellus was looking over her shoulder. “You have ordered your first...”

Then there are areas that could use text due to there being no interaction with the environment while they are talking, leaving sentences going back and forth with no actions.

“I’m not sure about this, Silverstream." Ocellus said cautiously as she took a step away from the strange orb. "There’s a reason magic items haven’t seen mass production in years.”

Adding more details may help submerge your readers into the world around them more. You have a good foundation, it just needs a little more building. Keep up the good work.

7173220
Thanks for the review! Most of what was said lined up with my thoughts and what I think could have been changed upon publishing. However, there was some misconception. To start:

The main thing that threw me off is the sci-fi tag. Switching the Sci-fi tag with a Slice of Life tag would have made it clearer concerning the emotional aspects of this, also considering the mass use of social media.

By integrating social media into a world where it's a completely new concept, I am introducing the premise of a sci-fi. The sci-fi part itself deals with the Bubble and its properties. You can connect it to your brain and ask it anything about yourself. It will know when you were born, what your favorite music is, if you have a crush on anyone, etc. The Bubble is also based off several already existing technologies: Alexa, iPhones, computers... When you make these connections and consider how they apply to the read world, you get several sci-fi elements.

I was also confused by the bickering in the group, considering that this is the young six we are dealing with. I would have liked more context and a resolution to the bickering between Yona and Gallus

That wasn't the point of the story. Not everything in a story has to mean something; the bickering being the case. What they were arguing about was actually referencing a story I edited for which you require no knowledge of reading. In the state that it's in, you can interpret the scene as an attempt at comedy. Really, the whole reason why it was written is because I needed something to propel me into the story.

The note on the sex tag is great, and it got me to reconsider using it for the story. However, most of what you mentioned can be easily explained.

Writing: 7. As interesting a read this is, I feel like more details should have been added in certain areas. Sometimes it needs clarification on the tone of voice or just better descriptions of the world around them.

Agree so much. My editor made the suggestion, and I even caught onto it in the process of writing the story. From what I had written, when I tried to go back to edit the story, I found that I didn't have an intuition to add any extra detail as I read it and reread it several times over.

The plot of the story: 8. I can not deny the uniqueness of this basis. Going into a virtual world and trying to react to things in this virtual reality is rather intriguing. I can see how much fun there is to be had with such a concept. A part of me feels like it could be explored more, but I enjoyed this story.

Please give an example on what you mean by "explore more."

Even though I find a few parts confusing, I can see why this was so appreciated by the fandom.

Please give me an example on what was confusing.

The note on the grammar was good. I'll pay more attention to that. Thanks for the review!