Non-Canon Bonus Chapter: It Goes Off the Rails
It started when the phone rang.
Hard Head took a deep breath and licked his lips. Surely this time he'd call a sucker. Just one score. One score was all he needed!
It wouldn't work. He's too incompetent for that.
Hard Head frowned. "Hey, I heard that!"
So he did. Thus did I decree.
"Wha...? No, I don't think you're right!" Hard Head said, adjusting the headset. "I'll get a score. Just you wait and see!"
He wouldn't. In fact, even when he got to the call center full of actual scammers, he wouldn't. He'd chicken out. Yeseree bob, he totally would.
"Okay, what is going on here?" Hard Head snapped, throwing the headset down. "Who are you and what do you want?"
Well, I'm your... god, maybe? I don't know. I created you and a lot of the environment in which you live. You only having a one-bedroom apartment and being completely awful at this? Yeah, that's me. Heh. You seen Toy Story 4? It might be kind of like that. I'm not sure.
"So... am I fictional?"
As long as you believe in your heart that you are real, and as long as people love you and your stories, can you truly be completely fictional?
"Y... yes?"
I say no. Also, your headset is now a banana.
Hard Head's eyes widened when he looked to his headset which was, indeed, a banana. Albeit one he could still make calls on.
"I can still make calls on it?" Hard Head said with a frown. "How does that work?"
Well, it doesn't now. The opportunity for a banana phone has passed you by. People are watching you, though. Seeing your actions. Have you ever heard of Netflix?
"N... no?"
Yes you have.
Hard Head frowned. Yes, Netflix. He remembered that, now. He never really got into the third season of Narcos. He was excited for the second season of Mindhunter, though.
"So... people are watching me on Netflix?"
When did I say that? No, no, no, they're reading about you on FimFiction. Therye really enjoying reading about you. They especially liked the ones with Tempest, Twilight, and Pinkie. I like the Maud stuff, myself. Heh. "Hey there, buddy. The sun's getting real low."
...
"Therye?"
Huh?
"You wrote Theyre. Isn't it supposed to be 'they're'?"
Oh, uh, just a typo. I can fix it in post.
Hard Head smirked. "You're a pretty weak god if you can't even stop typos."
Hard Head scoffed. "BronyWriter? My, my, your creativity knows no bounds.
That's when Hard Head's bed turned into a giant alligator. His vision is based on movement. Hard Head gulped and tried as hard as he could to not move. It didn't work, though, and the now crocodile charged at him. Before he could rip Hard Head's hard head off, it turned into Angel Bunny, which is, admittedly, worse. Angel glared at Hard Head, flipped him the bird, then bounced away.
Hmm. A weak god, you say?
"Point taken," Hard Head whispered.
Okay, so here's what the plan is. We--
"Wait, I think I hear something!" Hard Head cried, whipping his head around to see the source of the noise that wasn't actually there. "No, I seriously hear something!"
No he doesn't. It's just him and me.
"No, it's really--!"
Hey, guys.
Hard Head's jaw dropped. So did mine, actually.
"I don't believe it," Hard Head whispered.
L-Larson? M.A. Larson?!
Yep. Sure is. I was passing by and saw that there wasn't anything here that had my signature on it. Thought I'd fix that.
"NO!" Hard Head cried, running in to his bathroom and locking the door. "You keep that demon sharpie away from me!"
Oh come on. I signed construction equipment at BronyCon. It's a compulsion. It's a need. If you don't want the whole name, I can initial your horn, or something.
Uh... no. Larson did not want to do that.
Hmm. I still do, but if you guys don't want it, I guess I could do something else. Hey! I have an idea! Do you guys want to be princesses? I could just throw a pair of wings on you and there you go!
"Well, I mean, I already have the horn, so--"
Hard Head didn't want that. The princess of scammers sounds like a horrible idea!
"I guess I don't want that, then," Hard Head muttered.
You do!
"Huh, I guess I do."
No he didn't.
"I guess I don't."
Yes he does.
"Maybe--"
No he doesn't.
"I don't feel so--"
Okay, if he doesn't want to, then how about you? Just say the word and I'll get you a nice pair of wings in no time.
Wha...? I already have a pair of wings! I'm a pegasus!
See?!
Huh. I guess so.
...
Do you think that a second pair of wings would do it?
I... no! You'd need to add a horn to make me an alicorn!
Oh.
...
...
Do you think that would work?
Oh for goodness sakes. Hard Head didn't want to deal with this anymore and neither did I!
"Oh thank goodness!"
Hard Head was teleported to somewhere Larson would never find him!
I can still find him in Sweden.
That's not where I put him, now good day, sir!
K.
So, uh, I guess it's just me right now. I suppose that I'll see some of you at a con at some point. I'll sign your face. There was a giant sharpie at BronyCon that all of the VIPs except for me were told to sign, so I need to make up lost sharpie time.
Peace.
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...Well, that was a thing I just read...
I am going to go now and hug my pillow. Maybe have bath time with the rubber ducky. Yes, this will soothe my soul and prevent th-OH NO! THE SHARPIE! NOT THE SHARPIE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!
Thanks for writing!
Sign the sharpie that signs the sharpie that signs the sharpie...
I wonder what would the real M.A. Larson would think of this story?
.... I don’t know what you’ve been doing, but you’ve been doing a lot of it haven’t you...
From random to absurd.
And Hard Head turned to dust and floated away like... uhm… like a fart made of dust. Only it smelled like failure instead of poo gas.
media1.tenor.com/images/c79e3f7c412616f3f9129c9babd515f9/tenor.gif?itemid=13640778
Holy meta Batman
I could see Larson doing this.
M.A. Larson signed a live kitten at TrotCon 2014. At the time it was supposed to be a secret but I figure the statute of limitations is up now. Motherfucker is exactly this crazy; this chapter is 0% hyperbole.
p.s. the kitten was a stray found in a dumpster outside. The people who found it and took it home named Larson.
Nice
Ah.
I approve of this silliness.
Now I want Princess Hard Head.
Did... did Larson just break the fourth wall, of a fourth wall break?
It's So Meta, Even This Acronym.
Uhhhhhhhh ok
When gods quarrel, mortals suffer. Hard Head should count himself lucky that he got out of this with just a headache.
9802380
I'm sure that would be fun to listen to as the scammers are driven insane.
static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-articleLarge-v2.jpg?quality=75&auto=webp&disable=upscale
This was an entertaining story ^^
10093595
How.. Ugh.. How did I not figure that lol.
The only thing that kept me from reading this for so long was my hatred for actual scammers. But this was good; well done!
I just got through 29 chapters of this story in one sitting. Congratulations, you made my day multiple times over and kept me reading far beyond my intended "stop time". while I can't honestly say this is the best story I've ever read (after all, I've read your other work, you know, and also have a personal taste for 5s/4), this was definitely a really good one.
if I'm being completely open, I think my only disappointment is not in the story itself, but at the fact there is such a huge divide between this and reality. While I'm definitely going to look into the possibility and legality of back-hacking scammers that call me, the other stuff, particularly about reforming a scammer... it just doesn't feel possible. But, I suppose that's the beauty of fantasy, right? You can at least hope for a better world, hope that equestria is real somewhere in the multi-verse and we've just been... wait why am I going on about this. I think most of us know what I'm talking about. Anyway, thanks for the story, take care, and I hope you've been getting some good food with my pledge
10625983
Of you're looking for cathartic scambaiting, go with Kitboga. He breaks them, and they're always incredibly hilarious.
10684812
10904351
thanks. both of you.
11878097
Ah, nice to see that updated. It's been a while since one has come out.