Things Not Meant for the Pancreata of Mortal Mares
The door of the poorly lit store nearly flew off its hinges, showering the amulets, unguents, and other assorted oddments with unfiltered sunlight. A few began to smoke.
Fortunately, Princess Twilight Sparkle stomped in, flanked on each side by two of her friends, one in the air, one on the ground. The sixth member of the group lay on Twilight's back. "Sunshine Smiles," said Twilight, "you are under arrest for magical assault!"
"'Kay." The assembled Bearers blinked and took in the unicorn at the sales counter. Based on her raven locks, moon-pale coat, and blase demeanor, the only way she could be Sunshine Smiles would be if her parents had both a highly refined sense of irony and legal blindness. She looked up from her magazine. "Welcome to Sunshine Smile's Spells and Sparkles, home to trinkets, tricks, and treats of all kinds," she said, reciting the slogan as though describing a particularly unpleasant disease. "Should I tell Sunshine to get out here or are you just going to rainbow laser the place?"
"Please, get her." Twilight glanced to her left. "Rarity, go with her. No offense, miss, but I don't want to have to order a marehunt."
The salesmare shrugged as Rarity walked up to her. "Whatever." She turned around to face a small passage behind the counter and said, "Hey, Sunshine."
A far more chipper unicorn, pink and blonde, zipped out of the back with a frost-coated glass tumbler in her magic. "I'm here, Moonlight, you don't have to shout!" she said far more loudly than her coworker. "What's u—" She noticed the others in the room. Her smile shivered but didn't fall. "Well, hi there, Your Highness! What brings you to Spells and Sparkles?"
Twilight glared at her. "I think you know." She knelt, letting Pinkie Pie slide off of her back. Or what remained of Pinkie Pie.
For the first time in Pinkie's life, she could've been mistaken for her twin. Her body wasn't grey so much as colorless, her coat lightly achromatic and her limp curtain of a mane a darker shade of nothing. Each flank was marked with three strings, and if one squinted, one might make out the three circles of slightly different absence-of-hue that marked the balloons they connected to. Even her eyes, which went from barely to halfway open as she stumbled for balance, were devoid of color. She steadied herself, looked at nothing in particular, and said, "A flake of mica can be as thin as a single sheet of silicon dioxide molecules."
"So..." Sunshine's gaze darted about the gathered mares. "You're here for something to give your friend some pep in her step?"
"No." Twilight took a step closer. "We're here to take back the pep you took out of it."
"Yeah!" said Rainbow Dash, smacking her forehooves together. "So fix Pinkie and we'll beat your face in!"
"Um, I think you meant or we'll beat her face in," said Fluttershy."
"I know what I said!"
"The first primitive balloons were made from pig bladders," added Pinkie.
Sunshine looked from side to side. "Wh-what makes you think I did it?"
Rarity rolled her eyes as she went back into position. "It would really help your case if you weren't sweating as you said that, dear."
"Talked t' lots o' folks," said Applejack. "Canterlot shindig, you led Pinkie into a side room, you came out, somepony had t' go in an' find 'er. Plenty o' witnesses."
"We want our friend back," said Twilight. "We can't keep Pinkie like this. Like a mare who... who likes sitting quietly and reading the encyclopedia." She fidgeted and licked her lips. "That would be wrong."
"The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell."
A fly flew behind Twilight. Any other explanation for why her tail flicked is high treason.
"How could you have done this to a mare who'd done nothing to you?" said Fluttershy.
"What did you even do?" said Dash.
Sunshine relaxed, her smile taking on a more sinister cast. "It wasn't easy. It was the fruit of years, no, decades of intricate planning. A grand project to subvert even the highest in the realm and—"
"It happened like this," said Moonlight, igniting her horn. A screen appeared with simplified, pointy-limbed representations of a properly pink Pinkie and a Sunshine holding what looked to be the hose of an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner. "Here," she said, offering the hose, "put this in your mouth."
"Uh, why?"
"It'll be fun!"
Projection-Pinkie beamed. "Okay!" In went the hose.
Sunshine turned on the device, which promptly sucked the color out of Pinkie. She then departed as the drained mare stood there.
The actual Sunshine scowled at Moonlight. Well, she was still smiling, but her brow was furrowed. "Moonliiiight, I was gonna awe them with my intelleeeeect."
"Yeah, that wasn't going to happen."
Sunshine couldn't help but giggle and give the other mare a love tap. "Oh, you."
"Defenestration is the act of throwing someone out of a window," said Pinkie.
Twilight cleared her throat. "That explains the how... sort of. But it doesn't explain the why. Why attack a decorated hero of the realm like that? For what purpose? For what gain?"
Sunshine's head whipped around so fast her neck popped. "Why? Why?"
"Yeah," said Applejack, "Why. And none o' that 'grand conspiracy' hooey, missy."
"Oh, I'll tell you why. Do you even know who I am?"
The Bearers traded looks for a moment. Fluttershy hazarded, "Sunshine Smiles?"
"Sunshine Smiles!" said Sunshine Smiles. "The happiest mare in Canterlot!"
Rarity cleared her throat. "No offense meant, Miss Smiles, but that isn't exactly an achievement."
Twilight nodded. "We're not exactly standing in the giggle capital of Equestria. And my friend Minuette would give you a run for your money."
"Minuette? Minuette is a sugar-free lollipop compared to me! She hasn't sacrificed what I have, hasn't made bargains in the dark places of the world for truly neverending cheer." Sunshine narrowed her eyes. "But then I learned about ponies happier than me, destined to be happier than me. I couldn't let that stand."
Twilight gasped. "Party ponies."
"Precisely! Ponies so happy that their sheer joy could twist the fabric of reality! I needed that power for myself, to fulfill my true destiny as the exemplar of all positivity, the smile as bright as the sun itself!" Sunshine took the tumbler she'd entered with back in her magic. Frost began sliding off of the warming surface. "And you're all too late, for I am about to triumph!" Condensation cleared enough of the vessel to reveal the loud swirls of pink and blue within. "In this glass is the very essence of the greatest party pony in all of Equestria! The condensed synthesis of living joy and Elemental Laughter! And soon it will be mine! This unique blend of ice, milk, syrup, and magic that I call... the Frappucino!"
Fluttershy bit her lip. "So... Does anypony want to tell her about Sunbutts or should we just stop her?"
Sunshine paused. "What?"
"Y'know, Sunbutts?" said Applejack. "Huge coffee chain?"
"All over Equestria?" added Dash.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Tacitly sponsored by the Crown?"
"That's just a rumor," said Twilight.
"Darling, there's one on every corner and yet they can get away with calling themselves Sunbutts. The fact that the founder hasn't been tried for lèse-majesté is sponsorship enough."
"The point is that they also make frappucinos," Fluttershy said. "So, uh, you may need a new name for yours."
Sunshine was silent for a moment. Finally, with a dismissiveness that clashed with her still-present smile, she said, "Oh, whatever," and tipped back her glass.
The Bearers tensed. "Get her!" cried Twilight, igniting her horn.
"No."
Everypony but Sunshine paused. She kept waiting for the gelid, molasses-slow glop to start sliding down her throat. Twilight turned to the speaker. "Pinkie?"
Pinkie stared at Sunshine with all the focus she'd lacked until that point. "Let her."
"Are you sure?"
"Let her."
"Well..." Twilight looked around at her other friends. None of them seemed to have a clue either. She shrugged her wings. "You heard her, girls."
"Ha! You see?" A straw floated out of the back room in Sunshine's magic. She triumphantly stabbed it into her creation. "Even the party pony acknowledges my destiny! Now watch as I claim my birthright!" She began to suck.
After several seconds of everypony standing around, Applejack looked to Moonlight. "So, uh, how d'you fit into all o' this?"
"My sister and I don't have a lot in common." Moonlight looked at the frantically swallowing Sunshine and gave a hint of a grin. "I like getting a chance to bond with her, even if it's by tampering in Faust's domain."
"Y'all are sisters?"
"Twins."
"Well how 'bout that."
"Ackies!" All eyes turned to Sunshine, who was rubbing her forehead with both forehooves. She still smiled, though the muscles around her mouth looked strained in ways even Pinkie Pie's close friends had never seen. "Brain freeze!"
Dash sighed. "Look, could you hurry it up? You're on track for being the lamest villain we've ever fought."
"How does it taste?" said Moonlight.
Tears ran down Sunshine's cheeks. "Like sour birthday cake and shame."
"You're about halfway done. Tough it out a little longer."
Sunshine sniffled, mouth still upturned. "Okay." She went back to the straw.
As she reached the dregs of the tumbler, the Bearers tensed once more. Once the straw slurped its last, Sunshine set it aside, a genuine aspect returning to her smile. That quickly went manic. "Yes. Yes!" Her body started vibrating, her eyes and horn glowing. "I can feel the energy coursing through me! The joy! The Laughter!"
The entire building shuddered. Sunshine floated off the ground and hung suspended like a chunk of fruit in gelatin, an expression of purest ecstasy on her face. "I see everything! I taste everything! I am everything!" She threw her head back and cackled, phantom wings fluttering at her sides. "The power! The absolute power!
The medium is MINE to command!
TO CONTROL!
And with this power I shall... hurk! Urgg..."
Sunshine landed roughly, her smile finally lost to her growing nausea. Everypony else shook themselves, each feeling herself as though making sure she were still there.
Everypony but one, who approached the thief expectantly.
"I... I..." Sunshine's eyes watered. She looked at the one who stared down at her like a disappointed mother.
"Horses," said Pinkie Pie, "cannot vomit."
Sunshine Smiles conclusively demonstrated that ponies are not horses.
Pinkie stared at the resulting puddle brushing against her hooves. The pink and blue had come together in a purple that was a few shades away from matching any part of Twilight Sparkle.
"Pinkie?" Twilight edged closer. "Please tell me you aren't—"
The puddle collected itself. The pink and blue separated themselves once more, the latter gathering into countless sets of lips that opened in a rosy mass the size of Winona.
Twilight felt an eye twitch. "What."
The mouths opened. Titters, guffaws, chortles, and all other manner of laughter erupted from it with no sign of stopping. "Laughter spawn," Pinkie said, half-shouting to make herself heard. "Minor elemental. Mostly harmless."
"Oh. Okay. So is there a spell to reunite it with you, or—" Twilight cut herself off as Pinkie dipped her head down and began tearing chunks off of the laughter spawn.
"Oh, sick," said a disgusted Dash. Rarity fainted. Fluttershy fled the building. Applejack put her hat between her and the spectacle.
"I'm asking her to sign my copy of At the Hills of Hysteria," said Moonlight. Nopony felt up to arguing with her.
A freshly colorized, poofy-maned Pinkie swallowed the last of the laughter spawn, wiped her muzzle, and gave an appreciative hum. "That's gooood Harmony." She considered Sunshine Smiles, who was still lying on the floor, coughing up bile. "You're lucky, you know."
Sunshine, tears running tracks in her coat, muzzle caked in unpleasant fluids, throat burning with cold, looked up at the one she so wronged. "How?" she croaked.
"You horked it up early. If you'd digested that, you would've become the spawn. All oozy and mutatey and AAAA-glurble-glurble-schplep."
"Oh." Sunshine sniffled. "I... I'm sorry. I really am."
Pinkie leaned in close, squinting at the culprit. "Sorry you did it, or sorry it didn't work like you hoped it would?"
"Both."
"Then I forgive you!" Pinkie drew her up into a hug, heedless of anything getting on her own coat.
Sunshine blinked. "You do?"
"Sure, we do that with anypony who apologizes and means it."
"Oh. Good."
"You're still totally under arrest though."
"Oh."
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- BoredWriter · 4.5k words · 452 views
- FanOfMostEverything · 3k words · 218 5 · 4.3k views
- FanOfMostEverything · 2.8k words · 42 3 · 1.2k views
- FanOfMostEverything · 2.6k words · 181 2 · 3.3k views
- horizon · 25k words · 219 3 · 3.3k views
- FanOfMostEverything · 1.3k words · 239 4 · 2.5k views
- FanOfMostEverything · 2.2k words · 145 2 · 1.9k views
- Impossible Numbers · 15k words · 31 7 · 832 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.215 seconds
Total duration
616 users online
1,052,659 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
8115832
Not by choice. Apparently, it sold out. Going by most reactions to the flavor, it was more for photo ops and satisfying morbid curiosity than because it was a taste sensation.
Still, in a sense, we drank unicorns into extinction.
As if there were any other expectations of something from Charbucks.
Now I'm wondering what the other five's essense-beverages would be. Applejack's would obviously be Applejack, Rarity's would be fine wine, Fluttershy's would be warm milk or something, and RD would be Red Bull. As for Twilight, I dunno.
That was sick, twisted, and I upvoted it.
I suppose that says something about me.
Aww... Twilight... I bet Pinkie would be perfectly happy to discuss things with you, if you only asked?
"If Rainbow Dash can't Sleep" Ref?
Yes. The Pinkie Pie + Maud Similarities. Wow.
*snickers* Nicely done overall. I like the idea that the smooze is a minor elemental too.
off
This was wonderfully eldritch.
Just like Pinkie.
8115888 Twilight's would be lsd...because friendship is magic, and magic is only taken seriously by folks on drugs.
Heh, nice one-shot. :)
Carl thanks you for clarifying what species he is, by the way.
I think At the Hills of Hysteria fit better. Shoggoths, y'know.
On a side note:
"Sour birthday cake and shame"
Sounds about right.
I've seen this pair in fanfics before, but it's the first time I've seen Sunshine as a (moderately) evil (sort of) genius. It's a great story, but I'm not sure I like this character interpretation (although I suppose it's meant to be nonsensical.
)
I love the reappearance of Sunshine's magical store from Sharktavia 9. I'd love to see that take root within fanon, as she's a perfect choice to run that kind of establishment. I'd also enjoy seeing more of your take on the twins.
Beyond that, I laughed at several points here. I mean, it earns its random tag pretty firmly, but it's worthy material.
at least her sister's book got signed, right?
...What?
Anyway fun story, would read it again.
Your description made me think of this comic: https://xkcd.com/1772/
Oh no, they have unleashed the dreaded Pinkdrazi! Er, not so pink anymore, I guess...
Yes, Twilight, it would. As much as I want to disagree with you.
And the sick burn from Moonie!
I should really stop giving this play-by-play.
8115847
8115832
Yes. The promotion started on wednesday, and was designed to last until monday, but most stores ran out on the first or second day.
Pinkie Pie, an equine abomination of unspeakable Harmony!
But yeah, this was utterly ridiculous from start to finish. Well done!
8115847
i.redd.it/c2eacl0hu3ty.jpg
The unicorn frappucino :)
Woo
Began to?
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I sincerely have no idea what the fuck I just read. Except for the "the fuck" part. Because...the fuck.
Yeah.
8115847 Good thing it's gone. I wouldn't want Pinkie to have to eat that many people's vomited-up Laughter Elementals, only for Starbucks to realize they used an Earth Pony for what they claimed to be a Unicorn product.
Feels more like a pastiche of three fun scenarios that would have each served as perfectly hilarious stories in their own right, but all kind of distract from each other in a single product.
Also, more of an Earth Pony Frappucino.
You had me there.
wtf did I just read .This was just crazy.
....... Why do I have the strange sensation that I had something to do with this?
Has anyone gone and tasted the Unicorn Frappucino? It looks horrible.
Well, that was enjoyable.
8117064 I had a post on it.
Those maniacs, they melted Twilight Sparkle into a Frappuccino!
8117064
i wasn't impressed. wasn't enough flavor
8115888
Technically, Sunshine's method works for anypony's essence, though your selections are certainly thematically appropriate.
8115899
Indeed. It says you're my target audience.
8115908
But not having to ask meant never having to take a terrible risk. Twilight isn't exactly good at taking romantic initiative.
More that Estee and I both think "defenestrate" is a funny word.
They weren't intentional on my part, though the parallels are there even in canon.
8115942
Not my intention, but I do like the idea. Though it does beg the question of what element the Smooze is made of.
8115946
Pinkie's like Kirby: A benevolent, pink eldritch horror who only wants to eat and make friends.
8116141
Thank you! I was wracking my brain trying to come up with a suitable riff on Mountains of Madness, but I was so fixated on working "Discord" into the title that I missed that one. Is it okay if I use it?
(Also, good to know I nailed the taste.)
8116273
Deep inside every unicorn is a megalomaniac trying to get out.
But yeah, the characterization was strictly so I could set up the real-life all-syrup Super Squishy. I don't think most instances of Sunshine resort to demonic pacts to bolster their natural positivity.
8116307
Oh, definitely. Pinkie even drew the Elder Sign next to her signature.
Granted, the tome was then quarantined and eventually moved to a secure thaumohazard containment facility, but it's the thought that counts.
8116502
No, no, no! I love getting play-by-play reviews. They help me see what hit and what missed. (And yes, devoid creatures are always colorless no matter how much pink mana you spend.)
8116511
Most of the other harmonious aberrations don't realize what they truly are. Yet. Twilight's a bit ahead of the curve, what with the mutation.
8116604
Heh. I suppose the question is whether the last one was served to a guy named Haggard.
8116829
The question is, who'd be more outraged, the unicorns or the earth ponies?
8116783
As a wise man once said:
8116845
Hence the possessive in the title.
8116973
I have no idea.
8117830
Feel free to!
8117830
How have I never seen this combo before? I even already have a Meteor Crater.
Y'know, Trait Doctoring would work with this too. There's no restriction saying you have to pick one of the standard five colors, only that you can pick a color...
I have no idea what the hell I just read, but I like it!
8115888 Jolt Cola, the beverage of students (and princesses) everywhere! Twice the sugar and all of the caffeine of the leading brand!
I KNEW YOU'D WRITE THIS XDDD
Well, not exactly like this, but you know what I mean
So...Pinkie is a laughter spawn?
Somepony had to write this. Good to see you did. Damn good job, Soldier, you're doing Faust's work right here.
Kek
8115888
Twilight Sparkle: absinthe.
Or maybe Hemlock juice. (As an alicorn, it surely wouldn't kill her)
8118100
Good old Jolt did indeed get me through highschool.
It's not sold around here anymore that I'm aware of.
Huh. I didn't know the plural of pancreas was pancreata.
I guess if Starbucks called it the Pinkie Pie Frappucino, it would violate copyright laws, as well as give away the main ingredient.
I see what you did there. At least Sunshine didn't get sucked into a lamp.
Congrats on the feature!
That may be, but it will always sound like something to do to calm down overly aroused stallions... permanently.
8119012 Hmm... a proper nerd drink.
Earl Grey tea.
Appropriately demented. Also, can confirm that "sour birthday cake and shame" is an appropriate descriptor for the drink.
8116783
This story's biggest sin is that the "she" delivering this joke is not Starlight Glimmer.
8117922
Thanks again!
8117923
Just remember that "choose a color" effects only work that way under Un-rules. And that depending on your eye color, you can also make brown or grey mana. Also, you can change colored contact lenses whenever you could cast an instant.
8118646
Goodness no! She's a much higher order of laughter elemental. Technically, she was a shaman at the beginning of the series, but the Rainbow Power transmuted her into an expression of thalian energy.
8119048
"Pancreases" is also acceptable, but I'm a sucker for unusual plurals.
Indeed. Besides, you'd basically have to serve it with a cotton candy garnish, and buying enough for every participating Starbucks would not be cheap.
Good to see someone caught one of the references in that rant. But yeah, it definitely felt appropriate for one who tasted true Laughter.
I'm still kind of dumbfounded that this got to the box. Not complaining, mind you, but dumbfounded.
8119986
Not if you pronounce it correctly.
8121316
Good to know I got it right.
This was for the Time Action Glory Challenge. Besides, I think I've done enough to Starlight in my stories for the time being.
8121454 Pronunsikayshun iz stoopid!
There's a word for that? Huh. I need to add that to my vocabulary right away.