• Member Since 12th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

tom117z


A Twilight Sparkle fanboy who also likes to write. The author of the Change series.

Sequels1

T

Two thousand years after the return of Princess Luna, Equestria's technology and magic has advanced far enough that the once far off dream of faster than light travel is now a reality.

And that reality is the ES Harmony, the pride of its designer, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Equestria's first FTL capable starship. It is due to make its maiden voyage to travel further than anypony before it.

And yet when they receive a distress call from origins unknown, this ship's maiden voyage will become one the crew will never forget.



(Featured on 31/7/2016)
(Not a strict crossover with Star Trek, but here Equestria Girls takes place in the Star Trek Universe)

Chapters (30)
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Comments ( 872 )

"project I ahd set?"
had?

7430816 Fixed, along with others I spotted I had missed the first time.

The description makes me think of System Shock 2, was that perhaps inspiration for this story?

I ask as the concept sounds very similar to that games plot for the most part.

Spotted first about three hundred years ago by-“

Missed a quotemark

A nice start. Could benefit from having an editor look it over for the little mistakes and typo demons here and there, but that is just a minor issue.

I am very much looking forward to seeing what you do with this. :twilightsmile:

About time someone used that image as the basis of a fic (I just wish that the other elements were still alive)

Looks way interesting. Kinda sad that that first part was all a hologram though. Well done.:pinkiesad2: But look for a proofreader/editor to help fight off those few grammar errors, but well written otherwise.

“All they make me feel like is a cameo in the prologue of a science-fiction story.”

Come on, Pinkie. It's really expensive rebuilding that 4th Wall.:rainbowlaugh:

7430853 IKR? May heart jumped when I realized it was a hologram.

7430901 I normally have an editor, but he is working on the intermission for Act 2 of Change right now (another story of mine, and my best), though after he is done I will get him involved.

well, nice start to a story.:pinkiesmile:
even if it had a sad undertone.....:pinkiesad2:

looking forward to more.:eeyup:
not the sad part, but more chapters:moustache:

Where did you find the picture, and does the artist do requests?

mmmm... i love me a good first contact fic! and with spaceships and warp drives, oh my!

The advent of impulse drive had allowed stations to be constructed in orbit and starships to be built.

That's a bit too specific to the Star Trek lexicon to use willy-nilly. (ie. It carries connotations you don't seem to want.)

Might I suggest terms they'd actually probably come up with, like "reactionless drive" (the generic class into which impulse fits) or "thaumic drive" (literally "drive of magic")?

...or you could get really fancy and use something like "the thaumic impeller" (roughly translates to "magic drive forward-er"). Even if it is technological, it wouldn't surprise me if it was arrived at from the magic side of the sciences. After all, in a setting like MLP, the disciplines of magic and physics would blur together as they got advanced.

She ships initially moved

Typo. "The ships initially moved"

Mars had been magically terraformed and cities built on its surface.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just assume Equestria is on Earth or also uses Mars for the name of another planet without some setup. That's unacceptably sloppy writing.

“How are things her?”

Typo. “How are things here?”

Equus’

Common typo. The trailing apostrophe is always plural posessive. As written, that's "The orbit of the Equu" as if "Equu" is a plural word. (Perhaps the word for a group of "Equ"? :P )

What you really wanted was "Equus's". (Hint: You would speak it the same as "Equuses", so double the S.)

which had three large spheres imbedded within on the left and right hoof sides

The "hoof" is unnecessary and just makes it take more effort to parse the sentence. However, if you really want to write an equivalent to "left-hand" and "right-hand" rather than "left" and "right", write "left- and right-hoof sides".

(The hyphens cue the reader's brain that left/right and hoof are part of a single compound adjective, so they don't have to read the sentence once for structure and then again for meaning once coming to the end of the sentence the first time has ruled out the incorrect interpretations like "left and right hoof decals" or "left and right hoof-shaped windows" or what have you.)

Twilight looked upon her creation with glee. “Princess Celestia, may I introduce our first warp capable starship. The E.S. Harmony.”

Again, what are the odds they'd independently come up with the phrase "warp capable" without first meeting the Federation? Now, given that "warp capable" is a more directly descriptive term than "impulse drive", you could get away with it if you provided some setup to justify them settling on that term, based on how it works.

However, I'd just suggest something that requires no justification if you want to keep your story structure the same. For example: "Princess Celestia, may I introduce our first faster-than-light starship. The E.S. Harmony.”

Yes, Mars is a thing. In my head-canon Equus is an alternate universe Earth.

Not good enough. You want your story to flow smoothly and build an impression in the reader's head, so you have to justify them calling it Mars before it comes up or, otherwise, you derail the reader and the immersion breaks down.

You could make Mars more pony by calling it Mares, but then "mares are from Venus, stallions are from Mares" becomes kind of confusing. :rainbowlaugh:

Hm, the premise is good and the description has piqued my interest - Twilight makes for a natural choice as Equestria's first interstellar expedition leader, and the mystery of the promised SOS signal (Will it be humans? If yes, present day or also far into the future? Maybe some completely alien species entirely?) has me wishing for more, so well done on the hook and the setup.

However, I'd advise coming up with a few names, labels and visuals that aren't quite so visibly Star Trek derived. It was mentioned their drives are largely magic based, so it could probably stand to be called "Thaumatic drive" or something similar - it might be fusion of magic and technology, but naming and terminology for Ponies probably wouldn't match that of Star Trek - where things like Impulse Drive and Warp Drive actually mean some very specific things, they aren't even general Sci-Fi catch-all phrases. It's somewhat immersion breaking, I'm afraid.

And Mars - unfortunately this name is what threw me for a loop and actually did break immersion. Even if the ponies did find themselves in a solar system identical that to our own, their naming conventions would surely be different. To begin with, Mars, the planet, is named after the Roman god of war. They have Hearth's Warming, not Christmas. Having the planet be named Mars is akin to introducing a pony from their history names Jesus. It doesn't really work as anything but satire :twilightsmile:

The premise is good and the plot promising, but I'd urge you to consider switching the names up a bit in the name of increased immersion.

7431735

without first meeting the Federation?

This isn't a crossover, just inspired by one particular scene in Star Trek Enterprise. When the time comes you will see what exact scene that is. There is no federation or humans in their world, they have the mirror portal for that! :trollestia:

Thanks for pointing our typo's, I've fixed them. I also renamed Mars 'Mares'. Yay for pony puns! :pinkiecrazy:

I also took your advice and renamed the impulse drive thaumatic drive and warp drive faster-than-light (FTL) drive.

7432380 The names for mars and both engine drives have been changed. I did use both thaumatic drive and Mares (come on, you gotta love pony puns :rainbowlaugh:)

This has me quite excited.

Calling it now, this is gonna go something like Voyager or Lost in Space.

i like where this is going

Whatever happens, do NOT stop writing this. Nice use of ranks, BTW.

I'm more curious about how to pronounce 'Iynx'. I keep wanting to say 'lynx'.

7433991 I think it is either 'i' and 'inx' or 'yinx' in pronunciation.

I have a question, does Equus orbit it's sun or no?

Naval ranks are the way to go.
Not only does Star Trek set that precedent, but the closest current equivalent to being on a starship is being on a submarine.

Hmm, how big is Harmony's crew? Because from the sounds of it the ship is small and understaffed, if they need help and parts from the station in order to fix something as relatively simple as a fuel injector on time. Did Twilight design this thing with adequate crew and storage capabilities, I wonder ? :rainbowlaugh:

On another note, I'd advise against introducing more OCs for now, to let your readers adjust and properly absorb the ones that already got presented. When introducing OCs in general, it's typically a good idea to do so gradually and space the introductions out, instead of assaulting your readers with a whole bunch of them at once - people generally won't remember (nor be attached to) a bunch of names and faces presented to them all at once, which runs the risk of your OCs merging together into one, big, homogeneous "OC blob" with one being indistinguishable from the next. I'd suggest giving us a bit of time to get used to these ones and their voices before you throw more at us :scootangel:

7435094 I'm not going to be introducing any more OC's for a while. I just had to get them introduced since they are the crew, and like in Star Trek they will be about throughout. Other characters I plan on introducing don't turn up for ages yet.

Besides, as of next chapter we are going to space, its going to be a while before we meet any new characters face-to-face.

7435178

That's good to know - OC heavy stories need to be careful about the pace they introduce said characters in (and allow the time for properly establishing their unique voices and personalities), if they are to stick for the readers, otherwise it's easy to lose them in the crowd. Besides, the ship probably has crew in the hundreds, if not thousands (how big is it, actually? Both the ship and the crew?) - going into space wouldn't be an obstacle for more characters to appear on stage :twilightsmile:

7435185 Well most of the other crew are pretty much redshirts, the focus is going to be on the bridge crew and other senior officers.

The ship is about 1,500 feet in length and carries a crew of at least 800.

Off to the final frontier!

Quick note.

Twilight nodded. “Do it. Though, let’s have all senior officers on the bride for this.”

I'm kinda hoping you mean Bridge. :raritywink:

Well then, I estimate things to go pear shaped in 2 chapters, 3 at the most.

7435757 you think she be there for the launch.

7435762 Busy schedule that didn't line up with the other princesses, though she would have likely caught a live broadcast.

7435670

Nods and mutters of agreements spread gently through the crows, photographers taking this moment to snap a few photographs as reports made notes on their pads.

Crowd?

went exactly as planes,
(planed)

I would suggest you find a proof reader. Your writing is good. You just always seem to have a typo or two.

ok ive swallowed hook line and sinker

And that when everything went wrong.

7438443 Oh you have no idea... yet :trollestia:

Hnnnngg......:fluttercry: i want to see more!!!! I can't wait for more:fluttershyouch: the anticipation is torturing meee.....

Then , Twilight founds there is a parallel Equestria !

Comment posted by tom117z deleted Jul 30th, 2016

7435214 Star Trot/Tret Pony Star. St... Okay I'm super tired, can't think. but yes! Mostly the Bridge Crew, even though the captain isn't supposed to head down on missions himself, they always will, because raisins!

“I’m a griffon, I was born in Griffonstone, I shoot things,” she simply said.

Best character intro ever. I like her already. I have a feeling her backstory will be really interesting.

Also, thank for you portraying an immortal Twilight that is not constantly saddened by the passing of her mortal friends. I like the nice transition in the prologue, almost like her reminiscing about her friends as she contemplates the historic moment about to happen.

I mean, I enjoy stories that explore that sort of theme, but it would be out of place here.

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