"Are you happy? You know it’s your duty, right? Do as you’re expected!”
Twilight Sparkle lives with her friends in a technologically advanced utopia, where the happiness of everybody is guaranteed. There are no fights, no heartbreak, and no troubles of the past. Everybody lives in bliss.
Twilight and her friends need to rebel.
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A/N If you're worried about that there OC tag, I can assure you that the only OCs are a few supporting characters. Rated Teen for violence and swearing, but used in moderation.
Beautiful cover art by the amazing Conicer
Chapters (28)
oh my... color me intrigued. please go on soon.
dl.dropbox.com/u/93510029/reaction/bueno.jpg
I demand more.
Oh, I like that description! Reminds sort of 1984, one of my favorite books. Currently in class but I'll read this and get back to you on what I think
Edit:
I've read it now and I too demand more. This is fun.
media.comicvine.com/uploads/5/52044/2060390-i_like_it.jpg
Interesting.
I would like to see where you are going with this, Flan-chan!
Write more or I'll steal your kidney.
2234522
I only have two!
2234525 Check again.
2234527
Aw, crap.
You just stained my uniform with blood! And I have a performance in a few hours!
Hmm, I'm not certain if this is a diary or a letter. She says "entries" at one point, implying that it is a diary, but then she also addresses the reader, as if it is a letter.
That's mostly only makes a difference grammatically, but it would be nice if it were more clear.
Now, for a big chunk.
First person is a very deep perspective. When writing in first person, you have direct access to all of your character's thoughts. Anything they are feeling can be shown in great detail. As such, when writing in first person you have to take advantage of this fact. You can describe exactly how the character perceives something in this perspective. You can also show each and every little thought they have. If they randomly think about tacos, then you can spend a whole paragraph on that one thought. That's how first person works. You have to make the reader feel like they're actually in the main characters mind, watching the story unfold.
As your story is now, I felt as if I were a bit at arms length. Like I was outside looking in. This works for third person, but not first. In first person, your reader has a front row seat to everything the character is thinking and feeling, and you have to make sure they know this.
As for the story itself, it has potential. I'll keep an eye on this one. A dystopian pony society sounds like a whole bundle of fun.
-RisingOne
2234541 Band?
Also, looks intriguing. Will read when not in French.
Well, my initial thoughts on this from earlier were not too far off.
Sounds grim and I dare say there will be more than a few moments of tradegy before this is all over.
Will Twilight or the others end up Loving the Committee?
2234062 I thought that the name of the committee sounded exactly like the 4 Ministries back when FlanChan revealed the title. Something that deals in almost the exact opposite of what its title suggests. The Committee itself is clearly meant to take on the same role as the Thought Police.
when I first looked at the description I was sceptical but it seems like this has alot of potential, I'm not a big fan of dark/sad but to hell with it MOAR needed asap
Elixir
(did I ever mention Silver_fang sent me?)
2234701
Choir
2234655
Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to go about all of that. Luckily for me, I'll barely ever go into first-person. A diary just seemed like a good way to present all of the necessary information so I can get on with the story.
Wow, this looks really promising. Awesome job Flan Chan!
I'd like to know more about why the ponies were revolting in the first place, but I realize that exposition is not always linear. I am intrigued.
So far it has a strong start. Twilight doesn't exactly sound very Twily, though. I guess it's because the sentences aren't written in ways that sound educated--then again, apparently Emerald Joy has limited Twilight's education through her happiness spell. Fight the blandness in your heart, Twilight! Sound smart again, FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
Hmmm... interesting... I like it!
if she brainwashes them into being happy why does she need to do things like ban things that might start arguments? They're happy, they can't be unhappy so there'd be no arguments
2240829
Well, she may be a few apples short of a bushel
But in all seriousness, I will reveal nothing!
Relevant as all hell.
ooooo.....so its like if the govt from Fahrenheit 451 went a little farther with their "Utopian society" thing.
....wonder what happened to discord and Chrysalis...
Time to spam F5 for updates. *Nudge, nudge, wink wink.*
2242836Try 1984 or Brave New World, and the jump isn't as large. Both of them are still miles away from the level of dystopia in this story, though.
2247086
Though I reeeally need to get started on finishing my previous story, I'll try to hurry and find time to write the next chapter
2247131
for either one.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee
Grammar score: 8/10
Pros: First, your premise is intriguing and grabs the reader's interest. Seeing the happiness of the show twisted into something horrible is captivating. Next, you are good at making the reader care about Twilight's predicament. I don't know if it's the unusual voice you give her in the diary entry or what, but she's got my sympathy. And finally, you've done some wonderful world-building with the Committee, the mysterious "happiness technique," and the seemingly unassailable reign of Emerald Joy.
Cons: Not too many here. The voice you give Twilight, which is a strength of the story and grabs the reader's sympathy, can also distance those who don't think she sounds very Twilight-like. There are a few awkward phrases, or sentences like, "Did I forget to add that part?" which might sound like they are directed at a confused reader.
Notes: Ah, dystopian fiction--not at all what I would have expected from the author of The Generation that Even Time Has Forgotten! It's going to be interesting to see how you take on a much darker genre. (But it's a very good thing to do. Experiment and try all kinds of different writing.) I'm a fan of books like 1984 and Brave New World, so this is right up my alley. I'm interested to see what you do with Aquamarine. There must be a reason to give Twilight an extra friend, and my curiosity is piqued. Let's see where this goes!
Enjoy your review! Hope it's helpful. And thanks for your review and continued support of Celestia in Excelsis! You rock!
2251879
And you once again amaze with one of your awesome reviews!
I hope not to disappoint!
Ho' snap! 117 views
22523220
Is that a good thing?
2239707fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/036/3/3/dinkleberg_by_mellonshow-d5tzt14.png
I can see through your disguise!
2259967 Curses!
This reminds of two books. 1984, and The Giver. Color me impressed. This is the greatest opening to a story that I have read on this site. Great job! Looking forward to more!
2437775
Contrary to what you may believe, I've actually never read anything resembling dystopian fiction like 1984, except maybe The Hunger Games, which barely counts
OH
I want more, I need more
2502970
As long as you're happy
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society.
Story Title: The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee
Author: FlanChan
Reviewed by: Blankscape
The idea of a technologically advanced Equestria has been done before, but regardless of its original and suspenseful twist of a cliché premise, not much else can be said as anything of significant note has yet to happen. As it stands now, FlanChan needs to create a proper prologue and leave the synopsis in the cover page.
Full Review
Score: 3/10
Premise looks potentially interesting. Added to Twilight's Library.
2438103
1984 is awesome. If you get a chance you should try picking it up. Of course I am a sucker for dystopian.
Why haven't you updated this yet?!
2510277
It's true that futuristic Equestria has been done before, and Twilight doesn't sound too much like herself.
It's also true that it doesn't require much writing for a journal entry, but I think it's better than jumping right into a story with no explanation.
With standards like you put in this review, I'm pretty sure half the stories on this site would receive a score lower than five. But then, I do think you are obeying the group's rules on being heartless. You did dissect the story. But you didn't provide much constructive advice.
While it's quite a bold decision that you went against the norm of what people think about this story, I don't think you considered everything. But with your conclusion, I'm wondering why review the story when it's not even down ten thousand words?
2739689
Don't get me wrong, the story is interesting, no doubt. But it's the execution of the prologue that drags everything down.
Using a journal entry certainly isn't wrong, but presenting it the way he did is utterly underwhelming of the story he's trying to convey. The context itself is too overly convenient as it only tells us what's already happened and who's likely to be involved. Beginning a story by having a character tell the backstory and pointing out who may be potentially involved is, as I've said, uncreative and lazy.
On top of that, nothing has happened so far, and the story hasn't moved even slightly forward, something it's supposed to do right at the beginning. That's how you spark earnest interest in the reader. You jump right into it by keeping them in the dark, then smartly give them information to fit the pieces of the puzzle together with each new chapter.
Concerning advice, I don't give any at all for stories I review, because I don't just stop at giving advice. That's just me. And I shouldn't have to, considering its mistakes have been made note of. If I did get more involved, then the story wouldn't be what the author wanted it to be. So all I do is point out their mistakes and trust the author will learn from them
As for why it got reviewed even though it's so short, you'll have to ask one of the admins at TECS. They're the ones who pick which story gets reviewed.
Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction.
I for one completely disagree with Blankscape.
Journal entries are an entirely valid way to present background, and they are ideal for this sort of prologue.
Also, I think you did an excellent job of presenting this Orwellian dystopia. It feels extremely creepy, invasive, oppressive. And you did a great job of avoiding background points that you didn't want to put into the story.
The only thing I might change is the ending of this prologue. I just don't feel like it's quite right that Twilight doesn't even know where to start with a rebellion. Instead, I think it'd be better if she named a couple of options and then the reasons why they aren't doable for her presently.
But then again, whether or not that would be better depends on how you're going to continue this story, which brings me to my final point:
Keep writing this! We demand MOAR! MOOOAAARRRR!
P.S.
This comment: 2510277 ?
Complete. Bullcrap.
On a level that broad, EVERYTHING EVER HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE.
I absolutely loathe people throwing around the word "cliche". A cliche is something that has been done so many times that it is completely trite, boring, and predictable.
What we have here is a trope, which is a literary pattern that is a tool of the trade for writers. This page explains it better than I do, though: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage
Brony on, brony!
2809925
Well, we all have our own ideas of how a story should be started, and using a journal entry in this way to feed all the info to the reader in one sitting is just too convenient for me. Anyway as anyone else may hate me for it, I am its critic and the score I gave it still stands. Nonetheless, if FlanChan still believes in this story, what anyone says or even a number shouldn't stop him from continuing it. And when he does, I will do my best to give it a grade reflective of its update to the best of my ability.
2810272
*her *she
I'm a girl
Is this.....dead?
2861903
Not dead, I just have a horrible case of procrastination. The next chapter is like 800 words long so far
This seems interesting so far. I hope to see it update sometime; doesn't matter much when, to me at least, so take as much time as you need, but it'd be really good to see this continued.
2939057
I'd say the next chapter is almost halfway done. I'm just busy with very very important things
(read: I'm lazy)I sense some denial in the next chapter. And Emerald reminds me of someone... from the Hunger Games maybe? Like President snow or something... I dunno.
Ohhh myyyyy.
How the HELL did this escape my viewing?
HOW?
~Skeeter The Lurker
2981257
Maybe Effie? Idk