• Member Since 24th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

SpiritDutch


Can't stop, has tried.

The Reasons I Hate Myself
6

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2634847
YOU APOLOGIZE? YOU FEEL PITY. YOU GO TO GULAG NOW

(but seriously I agree)

2634844

Is that a question or a statement? In both cases, yeah why not. An end to oligarchy, an end to the state. Let all peoples and workers (especially the noble fanfiction writers) be united in solidarity.
But sincere apologies to tankies: You have to mellow out and cooperate with other leftists. Calling everyone liberals and shouting about gulags is not a productive conversation.

Why here? Why am I writing this here? I think it's because this is the first place I really opened up with writing. It's a bit embarrassing, but I never really wrote that much before I started fanfiction. I sure launched it off the deep end. What the hell was I thinking starting on something so huge as the first thing I did? I didn't even have very clearly defined ideas! Just punctuating moment of epicness my creativity-addled brain conjured up.

I hate sleep so much. I never want to loose my lucidity. I don't ream (a bit funny for an author who writes about dreams.)
I hate not getting enough sleep. I always regret skipping sleep. I've driven while sleeppy before and probably damn near killed myself a dozen times. Multiple freinds-of-freinds have died that way. DON"T DRIVE SLEEPY! WHAT"S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT< WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I really shoul sleep but there will be something new I know to keep me out of that unfeeling (temporary) abyss.

I've been listening to strange experimental latin jazz for the past 4 hours, and it's late at night, and I haven't got enough sleep, and I have to at least somewhat lucid by mid day tomorrow for an obligation.

Why do people ask me questions when they know they're going to get lied to? Like, I've already said I'm not going to do something multiple times, but they just keep asking, so I break down as say I will, then later I say I did then when the lie is exposed I can't help but shrug. I NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION OF DOING IT. WHY DID YOU PUSH. YOU WERE ASKING FOR A LIE, YOU RECEIVED THAT LIE. Why are you upset when this is what you wanted? When I ask for a meatball sandwich at the sandwich shop, I don't ask for it ironically. I don't screech and holler and call it a joke. I don't insult and degrade and call it equal to their call and collected discourse. I don't piss and vomit everywhere and explain it as I being that I didn't really mean it.

I goddamn hate climate change deniers. I got a new computer the other month. It's very nice, very powerful. I mostly use it to play dwarf fortress I hate a lot of things, a lot more than I did before November. Hate is driven by feelings of powerlessness, of hopelessness, and fear and anger and outrage, and I never felt that before. Now I feel it all the time. If I wasn't a brooding little shit before I sure am now. It'd be a good time to be dutch right now, and not just a spiritdutch.

I saw FIMFLAMFILOSOPHY's video on the Prisoner's dilemma a while ago and it's given a good perspective on having a roommate. He's kinda autistic and doesn't do a good job taking care of the common areas. Does he expect me to do it all because I'm the landlord? IDK. But I got some good advice today, and that was that some relationships will always be uneven, and if you're a good person who has the means to sacrifice, maybe you should for the sake of the relationship, Prisoners Dilemma considered.

My back hurts. I like sitting in rediculous postures with my laptop, like with my feet kicked up. I wonder how soon there's medical solutions to all my self-destructive behaviors. For the ones that don't matter much, soon. For the worst ones, well, there's never going to be a medical solution.

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