Grew up on SCP and MLP, what more is there to say?
Twilight Sparkle the greatest strategist of Celestia’s holy army.
Rainbow Dash the greatest warrior of Luna’s holy army.
Both disillusioned and want to be more then puppets to ones who claim to be gods.
They make a deal. They will rebel and open up a third front in the eternal war.
Page generated in 0.07 seconds
Total duration
883 users online
568,818 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
...... approach an editor dude. PLEASE.
Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
interesting. very interesting.
would love a back story of how this war came to be.
So far, this is a great story!
Are we going to get more of Rainbow’s backstory and how/why Luna betrayed her? Did it have to do with failing to kill Twilight?
Are we also going to get into Twilight’s backstory and why she’s betraying Celestia?
10441175
Yeah that’d be a good idea.
This is a great story so far, love it.
Great chapter!
I am loving this so far
10445495
Thanks
10445520
You’re welcome!
viva la revolution !!!!!!
Great chapter!
Curious to how this fight started if the sisters don't control the sun and moon.
Loving this please continue
10453452
Thanks, I plan on it.
Great chapter! Great fight scene!
I’m really enjoying this! Fight scenes aren’t my favorite, but I still enjoyed this chapter.
Great chapter!
Are we going to see Rainbow Dash going to explain to Twilight how she got nearly killed, seeing her reaction to all of this?
How will Rainbow Dash kill Lightning Dust?
Dust, you *DO* realize you are just replaceable
Great chapter!
Spoilers for Chapter 1 below
This is really good. The premise and the story, as well as the world-building here, has great potential. However, you need to work on your structure, your grammar, and your flow.
You're not making any bad grammar mistakes, just simple ones like:
Which needs a comma, or a period between 'Same' and 'Celestia'
and these. Now the actual rule is to not start sentences with conjunctions, but generally, as long as you don't use 'but' it's usually okay. "... had me all but dead. Yet you didn't kill me..." Reads a bit better. In the second example, you could just remove the conjunction entirely since you're not even combining the sentences in the first place. "...In two weeks time. Until then I would..."
There are a bunch of weird mistakes like this, but they are a simple fix if you re-read everything, or run your story through a grammar checker like Grammarly.
The issues with the structure are also a simple fix, for instance, you should be starting a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks and paragraphs should be separated by a blank line. Like this:
Again, this is another simple fix. Just don't let your paragraphs get clumped together.
Finally, your 'flow' problem, which is the worst of the three, actually seems pretty bad. First of all, you have several situations where your word choice is mildly bland, and there are situations where, while the sentences are technically chronological, they don't necessarily flow from one to the other, like here:
Would be (at least in my opinion) better like this:
Now it isn't objectively better, but I'd like to think that there's more to read there.
Just run your chapters through your own eyes or a grammar checker, make sure to separate your paragraphs, and try and fit in more interesting words and phrases to join your sentences together as well as give the story more depth.
-Noobblue
10460780
Thanks for the tips. I shall attempt to a apply them correctly.
well thinking on it. would be hard to gather the rebellion since Dash has been replaced so you lost your lunar source.
Great chapter!
Are going to see the missing half of Twilight’s unicorn mages soon?
wait to see the results but Sunset should do better. she was pretty high power in canon. then again Starlight was way OP as well
Interesting spell dual, I never liked the inconsistencies of Starlight's power... One moment she couldn't touch Twilight in a fight and the next she was just as strong.. but I think Sunset has always been far more consistent in her power and clear in the fact she is not only strong but clever and adaptive. She would make a great dualist and while not as powerful as Twilight she could certainly beat Starlight or at least give her a fight to remember. Great job
Whoa 400 views.
Still thinking you are rushing this. The building phase should be far longer. How are these four plan to win against the sisters?
Great chapter!
Is Rarity going to inform Twilight about this theory?
Is Rarity’s sister’s name Sweet Belle instead of Sweetie Belle in this story/alternate universe?
10509474
No Sweetie Belle’s name is still Sweetie Belle I just stuck at proofreading.
Nice rework, i like the many options you have given yourself as to were this story could go
10564707
Yea I kind of bottlenecked myself.
10564707
And thanks
10509344
I agree
Logic of any stealth game right there.
Great chapter!
10564860
Yea was playing Hitman 2 at the time
10564880
Thanks
10565407
You’re welcome!
This is an interesting story, and I can't wait to read more!
Side note: You might want to go back at some point and do some editing, there were numerous grammar and spelling mistakes.
Overall all though, this is a great start!
10566972
Good call I probably should do that. And thanks for the read.
well, my search of twidash got me worried that their writing might be getting less popular.
BUT. THIS. IS .JUST. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can't wait for next chapter
10579371
I felt like more Twidash was required so here I am.
10580882
Twidash is either getting less popular or fimfic is slowing down, sadly, neither of those are gppd
Interesting story. Added to my read list.
Great chapter!
I would prefer the OC’s to be small.
10638002
Thanks for answering, I don’t plan on having many OCs but one is going to have to play a major role due to various reasons. But the others is where this question is important so thanks.