• Member Since 8th Aug, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

waywardfallout


Grew up on SCP and MLP, what more is there to say?

T

Twilight Sparkle the greatest strategist of Celestia’s holy army.
Rainbow Dash the greatest warrior of Luna’s holy army.
Both disillusioned and want to be more then puppets to ones who claim to be gods.
They make a deal. They will rebel and open up a third front in the eternal war.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 65 )

...... approach an editor dude. PLEASE.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

interesting. very interesting.

would love a back story of how this war came to be.

So far, this is a great story!

Are we going to get more of Rainbow’s backstory and how/why Luna betrayed her? Did it have to do with failing to kill Twilight?

Are we also going to get into Twilight’s backstory and why she’s betraying Celestia?

This is a great story so far, love it.

I am loving this so far

viva la revolution !!!!!!

Curious to how this fight started if the sisters don't control the sun and moon.

I’m really enjoying this! Fight scenes aren’t my favorite, but I still enjoyed this chapter.

Great chapter!

Are we going to see Rainbow Dash going to explain to Twilight how she got nearly killed, seeing her reaction to all of this?

How will Rainbow Dash kill Lightning Dust?

Dust, you *DO* realize you are just replaceable

“Priestess you're needed at Cold Stone Fortress to command the garrison as commander Clear Sky is dead and Starlight Glimmer’s forces are moving in. The order’s from Goddess Celestia herself.”

Spoilers for Chapter 1 below

This is really good. The premise and the story, as well as the world-building here, has great potential. However, you need to work on your structure, your grammar, and your flow.

You're not making any bad grammar mistakes, just simple ones like:

“Same Celestia will notice too.”

Which needs a comma, or a period between 'Same' and 'Celestia'

had me all but dead. But you didn’t kill me
in two weeks time. But until then I would

and these. Now the actual rule is to not start sentences with conjunctions, but generally, as long as you don't use 'but' it's usually okay. "... had me all but dead. Yet you didn't kill me..." Reads a bit better. In the second example, you could just remove the conjunction entirely since you're not even combining the sentences in the first place. "...In two weeks time. Until then I would..."

There are a bunch of weird mistakes like this, but they are a simple fix if you re-read everything, or run your story through a grammar checker like Grammarly.

The issues with the structure are also a simple fix, for instance, you should be starting a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks and paragraphs should be separated by a blank line. Like this:

“So have you come to accept the proposal?”

Rainbow looked at the mare standing in front of her, the legendary Twilight Sparkle, the greatest strategist of Celestia’s Holy army.
A natural-born Alicorn.

Had sent an offer to Rainbow Dash, the greatest warrior pegasus of Luna’s Holy army made to be biologically immortal so age could not stop her. And fight forever in her leader's name. The alicorn in front of her sent her an offer by magic that landed it in her room, somehow.

Had any other general of Celestia’s army sent her a letter, she would have assassinated them in front of their personal guards. Yet here she was in a hidden cave deep in a frozen mountain to the north, that Twilight made just for this meeting. Normally just talking to the other side was grounds for execution, for both of them.

She knew she had to as she had been betrayed by the one she was once loyal to, Luna. Hate filled her mind at the thought of her ‘Holy ruler’ who had left her behind to die. That event had shattered what little world view the pegasus had at the time.

“First tell me why.” Rainbow stated, this question had been burning her for the inside since that battle three months ago. The one where she had been sent to kill the mare in front of her.“You had outsmarted me, had me all but dead. But you didn’t kill me, you saved my life instead. Why?” The alicorn standing a mere meter away, answered:

“Because I saw myself when I looked at you. A tool, an unwilling puppet for your princess. Groomed from foalhood to be a living weapon for your ‘God’.” Twilight said the word ‘God’ with absolute hate in her voice. Rainbow understood the hatred Twilight felt perfectly. Rainbow unfurled her wing revealing a shiny black medallion about the size of her hoof. It had the words “Nightshadow Rainbow Dash” written on it. This medallion had been given to her by Luna herself. If somepony had asked her to give it to Twilight four months ago she would have hung them on the spot. But now she would give it away in a heartbeat if it meant freedom from Luna and that was exactly what she was going to do.

Rainbow held out the medallion on her wing to Twilight. “I accept your proposal Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight’s eyes widened in surprise. She had been expecting a ‘no’ from the rainbow maned pegasus. Twilight quickly levitated out a bright white medallion that read “Priestess Twilight Sparkle”. She laid the medallion on the pegasus’s wing and took Rainbow’s medallion in her magic and placed it on her own wing. A shiver went up both of their backs at holding what had been taught to them as an evil object that would do horrible things to them.

After nothing happened Rainbow spoke first. “So what's our first move?” Rainbow asked.

“We need supplies first and foremost and a lot of them. If we’re going to run a rebellion.” The alicorn said.

“So how do we get them? I can't just steal from Luna’s army, she will notice.” Rainbow asked.

“Same Celestia will notice too.” Twilight levitated out a piece of paper and put it on the ground between them. “But I have a better idea, you steal mine.” The paper was a big map that showed the surrounding areas. The map had several towns, a few military bases from both sides and other landmarks. It also had several lines drawn on it connecting place to place. Each with their own labels. “This map has the nearby supply routes of Celestia’s army on it. I don’t know the exact time the shipments come through for all of them but one.”

Twilight pointed to a spot on the map that was in between a fort named Lights Hold and a city named Guiding Light. “Its a weapons shipment that will occur in two weeks time. But until then I would like you to raid other minor shipments.” Rainbow nodded, it would be easy.

“Anything you can tell me about them, just to make my life even easier.”

Rainbow started to study the map.

“All food shipments have double the guards due to it being winter, and food is running low. So eight instead of four.”

Again, this is another simple fix. Just don't let your paragraphs get clumped together.

Finally, your 'flow' problem, which is the worst of the three, actually seems pretty bad. First of all, you have several situations where your word choice is mildly bland, and there are situations where, while the sentences are technically chronological, they don't necessarily flow from one to the other, like here:

“That Staff will allow you to teleport the raided supplies. Just drawn a circle around the supplies and then after a few seconds will be teleported to this cave for storage. However it takes time to recharge about two hours.”
“Really? That’s forever.” Twilight seemed to ignore this comment.
“It also doubles as an emergency escape if your cover is blown. Smash the gem with your hoof to do so.” The pegasus put the staff in her saddle bag.
“Anything else?” Rainbow asked instinctively.

Would be (at least in my opinion) better like this:

“This Staff will enable the transportation of the supplies. All you have to do is draw a circle around the supplies and after a few seconds, they will be teleported to this cave for storage. However, the staff has a recharge time of about two hours between uses.”

Rainbow's head snapped up “Really? That’s forever.” she groaned in mock irritation. Twilight continued on seemingly ignoring Rainbow's complaint.

“It also doubles as an emergency escape if your cover is blown. Simply smash the gem with your hoof and the staff will bring you back here.” Twilight finished as the pegasus put the staff in her saddlebag.

“Is there anything else I should know?” Rainbow asked instinctively while trying to maneuver the staff between objects.

Now it isn't objectively better, but I'd like to think that there's more to read there.

Just run your chapters through your own eyes or a grammar checker, make sure to separate your paragraphs, and try and fit in more interesting words and phrases to join your sentences together as well as give the story more depth.

-Noobblue

10460780
Thanks for the tips. I shall attempt to a apply them correctly.

well thinking on it. would be hard to gather the rebellion since Dash has been replaced so you lost your lunar source.

Great chapter!

Are going to see the missing half of Twilight’s unicorn mages soon?

wait to see the results but Sunset should do better. she was pretty high power in canon. then again Starlight was way OP as well

Interesting spell dual, I never liked the inconsistencies of Starlight's power... One moment she couldn't touch Twilight in a fight and the next she was just as strong.. but I think Sunset has always been far more consistent in her power and clear in the fact she is not only strong but clever and adaptive. She would make a great dualist and while not as powerful as Twilight she could certainly beat Starlight or at least give her a fight to remember. Great job

Still thinking you are rushing this. The building phase should be far longer. How are these four plan to win against the sisters?

Great chapter!

Is Rarity going to inform Twilight about this theory?

Is Rarity’s sister’s name Sweet Belle instead of Sweetie Belle in this story/alternate universe?

10509474
No Sweetie Belle’s name is still Sweetie Belle I just stuck at proofreading.

Nice rework, i like the many options you have given yourself as to were this story could go:pinkiehappy:

10564707
Yea I kind of bottlenecked myself.

This time an orange unicorn stallion entered the room. Before he even spoke she cut him down and put his body in the same place as the other. After a minute the last cook spoke up “What the hay happened to the other two?” Rainbow was not expecting to hear somepony reply “No clue I’m going to find out, I swear if you two are going- “ he died as soon as he entered the room.

Logic of any stealth game right there.

This is an interesting story, and I can't wait to read more!
Side note: You might want to go back at some point and do some editing, there were numerous grammar and spelling mistakes.
Overall all though, this is a great start!

10566972
Good call I probably should do that. And thanks for the read.:twilightsmile:

well, my search of twidash got me worried that their writing might be getting less popular.
BUT. THIS. IS .JUST. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't wait for next chapter

10579371
I felt like more Twidash was required so here I am.

10580882
Twidash is either getting less popular or fimfic is slowing down, sadly, neither of those are gppd

Comment posted by flowgninthgil deleted Dec 14th, 2020

Interesting story. Added to my read list.

Great chapter!

I would prefer the OC’s to be small.

10638002
Thanks for answering, I don’t plan on having many OCs but one is going to have to play a major role due to various reasons. But the others is where this question is important so thanks.

Login or register to comment