Wake Up

Twilight Sparkle awakens, not to the Ponyville she knows, but one that is a mere shade of its former self. What has happened here she does wonder. As time progresses ever forward more questions pop up, will any ever be answered though?
Written on my phone during a plane ride so feel free to point out any errors

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

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All of the Above

All of the Above #1 · Jul 24th, 2013 · 2 · · The Note ·

I'mma leave this comment here.

Kori Kitsune

Kori Kitsune #2 · Jul 24th, 2013 · · · The Note ·

This is really good!

Normal

Normal #3 · Jul 24th, 2013 · · · The Note ·

2928550
I'm glad to hear that!

hauntu4ever

hauntu4ever #4 · Jul 24th, 2013 · · · The Note ·

The description has several grammar mistakes in it, and doesn't catch my interest very well.

Which is unfortunate, because the story itself has potential. It has a jumpy, dream-like quality to it, and it leaves me wanting more. It does have a lot of minor grammatical mistakes in it - I won't bury your comment section in a list - but those can be cleared up with a quick run-through with an editor.

So yeah. Good story, just gotta check up on the description and the grammar

TheCacophonousMuse

TheCacophonousMuse #5 · Jul 24th, 2013 · · · The Note ·

I saw your story through A for Effort, but I'd like to make clear that I'm NOT a reviewer. At least not for them. Okay? :D

However, I am going to point out a few things.
1.) You have several "dumb" errors; it almost seemed like you didn't look over the story before submitting. For instance: "Had I again fallen asleep on while reading?" I assume you meant to have her fall asleep on something. Additionally, throughout your story, you have numerous problems with punctuation. I recommend the group Looking for Editors as a good way to find editors/prereaders.

2.) Your writing is fairly wordy; often you could clarify by cutting down on excess words. For instance: "stiffness radiating forth." When using a word like radiating, it implies the outward movement; adding "forth" in there simply complicates the sentence. Additionally, while it's unnecessary, it's also repetitive, which you also generally want to avoid. There are several more instances of wordiness in your writing.

3.) It's the most cliche thing in the book, but show, don't tell. For instance: "It would go beyond my nature to do so." You want the readers to realize that Twilight wouldn't let any information slip past her, not tell them this. You really don't develop Twilight's personality in this story at all; you seem to be relying mostly on people carrying over what they know about Twilight from the show. If you're gonna write from Twilight's perspective, put some more character into your writing. And speaking of perspective, that brings me to

4.) Don't change person. Ever. Period.
Changing person in the middle of a story is bad.
Changing person in the middle of a chapter is worse.
Don't do it.
(You go from first to third person right at the end, when you describe the letters appearing on the scrap of paper. You can't really do that from a first person perspective [first person omniscient ], which means that you're probably looking at everything in third person, or cutting that scene; it's not really workable in first person. But I digress).

Anyway...
You definitely have some good ideas, I'm interested in seeing them develop. You haven't earned my thumbs up yet (forgive me, I'm a miser), but you definitely could with a little bit of revision. Again, I'd recommend reading over your own work and/or getting a prereader. This has the potential to be a good read, but isn't quite there yet.

Keep up the good work, though.
- TCM

Normal

Normal #6 · Jul 24th, 2013 · · · The Note ·

2928597
2928585
Yeah I wrote it on the plane yesterday on my phone and I wanted to test, sort of, how my writing is when I haven't gone through and really edited it. I have plans to edit it tomorrow and perhaps even a little today if I have time. Thank you for the feed back!

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