In a time when the Elements of Harmony have long been forgot, terror strikes once more at the heart of pony kind. Now a band of ponies must brace themselves for the oncoming storm.
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It's alright so far. There are definitely some problems with words choice, grammar and the like, but nothing that makes it unreadable. The one major problem was the exposition; it is not necessary to reveal all information in one go. When you present all these new ideas without any action, the story can become grating and downright boring sometimes. You can reveal this information over multiple chapters. This adds to the immersion as the reader is discovering things through hints or dialogue and is not being told all this at one time.
Overall, it has the potential to be good, depending on where you go with the plot.
2608181
Ok I'll go through and try to fix those things in the morning. I had actually originally had it just with spike and rarity in the first chapter and had not included the elements.
2608181
Ok I shifted the ending for now. I'm still not pleased with it but later I'll go through and look for the grammar issues and might change it yet more.
We don't know if she is Rarity, Twilight or SweetBelle. Was It proposital?
Question, why is this in the group Spike Shipping?
You gave me a lot of words to read, but not much was really said. You go into precise detail about the scene, but this becomes a problem because it is almost too precise. This goes all the way down to the sentence structure as well, some words are just unneeded and only fog up the flow of the story as a whole.
If it were another with a shorter attention span than I, they probably wouldn't have made it through, even though it isn't particularly long. The extended descriptions aren't really neccessary for the story.
What this amounts to is that this chapter feels like it didn't really go anywhwhere until the last couple of paragraphs, making me feel like I wasted my time. While you gave me a lot of info in the beginning I wasn't able to really stay with it because of the detail given on them.
I would suggest going back and eliminating any words or passages that seem unnecessary and disrupt the flow by going into that much detail. Building a scene is important, but overbuilding it can break flow.
I'd say something about the plot, but not much was there, except towards the end. But this is only the first chapter, so a plot is really yet to be seen.
2609885
Because it will have it. I hadn't realized I had put it in there yet. Sorry bout that, phones aren't always as accurate as one wishes.
2609946
No problem, just wondering because there was no 'Romance' tag.
2609976
I'll be having a bit of spike and rarity going on.
Alright, you have me hooked. I want to find out what the other promise was that Spike made to Rarity.
happy tears, and such a beautiful first chapter.
2610044
Thanks!
2610080 The one thing I love about dragons, and why I am a huge fan of Spike, is although legends say that dragons are ferocious and deadly beasts, there is one word that sums them up perfectly in my opinion, and this is my honest opinion "Noble". Spike is a noble dragon in keeping his promises to Rarity. You are very welcome, and I can't wait for more.
Overthepacific is onto it.
There are too many redundant words and long sentences here. I'll go into more detail.
Do you need to describe that the dragon is mighty? Most people will assume that on their own. Ans saying the talons were sharp is redundant.
Using words like glistening in this context is strange, and the whole idea of showing how the light moves over the talons is not needed.
Again, I could have guessed the cliff was rocky and lined with rocks. I don't need to know the history of the rocks.
Note: in the first two paragraphs, you call the creature a "mighty dragon", a "colossal reptile", and a "fiery serpent". Doing this is just annoying. This is actually a well documented problem that new writers often have. It is described in the writing guide on this website as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Here is a link to the page so you can find out how to fix this.
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Lavender-Unicorn-Syndrome
That was a very nice story. Almost teared up there at the end, I think you handled the chapter ending well and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
I think that FakeScienceMonthly has a point that there are a few too many adjectives when it comes to describing Spike at the start, but that's really the only place that I thought it was off. I think the rest of the story is handled well and it beautifully written. It's just that first paragraph or so that are a little purple, so make sure that the first paragraph isn't the one that people think are off, as it is the first impression of the story that they get.
Apart from that, great work ^^.
2621090
I'll try my hoof at editing it around this weekend if I get a chance. I have graduation from high school next week, just graduated from college last week, ect. I've been keeping busy.
It seems like an interesting story. It's very well written, minus the few grammar mistakes and maybe what some others have pointed out that I have no desire to write since it's been done. But even that didn't bother me too much, not to a point where I left the story altogether. Otherwise, I think for the most part, it has potential to be a really good story, so I look forward to what there is.
2698158
Danke! I'm very glad you enjoyed it~
Wen da next 1>>2700610