17 year old Xander is a solitary individual who tries to break himself free from all of society. This may not be the best mentality for Xander, he quickly realizes that after a strange turn of events start to take place. Xander plunges into darkness being stripped from his world. Trying to wrap his mind around the situation he is in, he ends up becoming rudely awaken by the sound of sweet voice and a blow to his face.
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This is my first Fic ever so I hope you enjoy!
Chapters (4)
"17 year old Xander is a solitary individual who tries to break himself free from all of society. This may not be the best mentality for Xander, he quickly realizes that after a strange turn of events start to take place."
I think I already know where this is heading...
Now that I've read it, it's...got promise. I wonder where this is gonna be headin'...
well written. wonder where this is heading
1442753 Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed!
1442725 You both have made my day!
Ooh, mysterious! I like it!
1443795
Thank you!
Good but it seemed you didn't want him in our world for long not much background for all we know he's a hermits living in Antarctica you don't have to make a whole chapter about it but give like some details later on also good... has potential
1448153 Thank you, my next chapter I feel not many will like. I'm about to post it and I'm very unhappy with how it turned out...
Maybe a little to descriptive but i like the originality of the story i mean actually fighting them? How many have you read and it happens? And gross he landed in thick black puke while passing out... that's is going to smell horrible whn he wakes up
1448432
I thought it would be nice to mix it up and make the human fight. Also, did you like it? If you did, thank you!
1448443 i liked it in a sort of first ever hearing about something-that-sounds-awesome-but may-not-be kinda way I'm not saying its bad but its still to early to tell also make sure he has a little resistance no matter what so it has a kind of non-brony-reaction kinda way also i know I'm saying kinda and way way to often
1448480
Nah your good. I'm glad you could give me some feedback, I was actually going to have them fight but then the puke scene came to mind and I felt it would be better.
1448503 reallyy? Since when is puking an unknown substance up in a strange world with horses that can talk to you, staring at you while you collapse in it better than a fight that possibly could come out with lots of miner wounds and maybe some more harsher ones
You know I think this is the first HiE story where the human had risen up to Rainbow's challenge.
1448528
Lol I'm not sure if you meant the puke scene is a better idea or the fight lol.
1448540
I hope you liked it! Thanks for the comment my good friend!
1448555 what do you think i meant?
1448540 and didn't i say that like a couple minutes ago?
1448587
I think my guess is the puke scene idea is better.
LOVE how you break from the Human in Equestria mould of "love ponies, go home". I love the new emotion for ponies here. HATES them...LOVE IT! Keep this up
AHAHAH! he punched rainbow dash in the face for real, ohmygod
I feel bad for Xander, all they've done since he got there is make him confused and angry... and when he punched Rainbow for obvious reasons (which was awesome BTW) he gets chased until an unknown force makes him puke.
I hope they can resolve the whole situation and get on with a good hoof, instead of a bad one.
1448599 Question is what the hell is he puking? cause last time I checked neither puke nor human blood were black.
1449590
Cannot tell you. The next chapter should be up by tonight or hopefully tomorrow. Stay around to find out.
1449200
Dafuq?
When did Xander turn into a fucking Necromorph!?
well shit this went really bad really fast!!!
1452724 i dont know but a shit storm is close i can feel it
Where did i put my plasma cutter.....ahh screw it 'grabs pulse rifle'
1453296 okay dude that wont work here take this. * tosses a mini gun that shoots mini nukes or the shit-destoyer-2500* anyone else want one?
1453731
Lol, are you all liking it?
1453738
me gusta...does that answer your question...?
1453821
Thank you all!
1453738 you want ones? I got like 10 left oh and ill be gaurding the base with 8 positioned around it they are automatic and huge and never run out of ammo and never need to cool down! Also I'm in a giant robotic suit that has 4 on its shoulders 2 off the chest 2 in each hand and 8 rocket pods with automatic aiming systems that are attached to my arms also i got 2 left so if you want one of these you can and also did i forget to mention they have titanium alloy a armour that's 13.4 inches thick?
I don't know why but I immediately thought Venom from Spider-Man.
I really want to see what happens next
1453829 AppleJack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity dead? hmm I doubt it I think your got something else hidden up your sleeves Sir and I will find out even if I have to steal your shirt to do so.
Here, let me tell you something:
I like how you took the normally rarely seen case of having the human antagonize the ponies. I'm cool with that. Having him kill the mane 6 is a dangerous plot twist with a lot of potential for backfiring horribly, but points for originality.
Now for the flaws:
1. Walls of text.
Really, you should re-learn how to make paragraphs, because what you've been taught is worth crap. You don't separate perspectives, dialogue lines, or meaningful events properly.
2. POV issues.
In this part specifically, you wrote a third-person part with Twilight Sparkle. If it's third person, why the hell are you using first person pronouns like "I" and "me" outside of spoken lines?
My suggestion? Find a proofreader, fast.
1459556
Thanks for the comment and I know. But that's how write, for some reason I like to write in multiple perspectives. It's probably because my mind is racing through and thinking about each character. Would you like to proofread my next chapter I'm working on? I planned to post it by 9 but if you are willing to spare some time I'd love for you to fix some grammar errors and stuff like that. But I don't want the fixes to alternate my story.
1459586 Sorry, kid, can't do. I'm swamped with other fics I edit already, plus my own ones.
The guys in this group can help you, though.
1459635
>kid
Lol, I'm not a kid. But thanks though, I'm going to try and find one. Hey think you can stick around to check out my other chapters?
1459666 It's an endearing term.
But yeah, I'll stick around, don't worry about that
I wonder who is the weasel that's going to get popped?
OH SHI-*BOOM*
Also i see you did what i said add a bit of background so we can have some details that was what the ponies wanted to know probably i mean seriously strange creature punches your friend in the face... twice the runs away then throws up and turns in to a horrendus beast that kills you you might want to know more about them before you try to kill it espacially if he's now bieng nice to you in an unknown place... I'm getting into detail way to much aren't I?
1460231
I'm trying my best to make everything bend out of place.
1459556 <- what he said.
Switching perspectives is not a bad thing... but it is when you get 3 dif perspectives in ONE PARAGRAPH. Seriously, I'm liking this story, but it seems your writing has gotten progressively worse through the chapters. I'm stopping on chapter 3 in the hopes that you'll go through and fix all this, so I can read chapter 4 without wanting to punch a baby.
Let me add to Jack's notes.
1. Never, EVER put more than 1 character's dialogs in a single paragraph. Readers get confused fast when they can't tell who said what.
2. Tense. You've shifted between past and present tense a couple times. Please pick one. It looks like you're using past more. If you must write thoughts in present tense, do it like this:
'I'm thinking of a number,' I thought to myself.
3. POV - switching perspectives is doable, although I'd advise against it. It's simple really, pick one perspective and stick with it for the duration of the section of the story. You already have sections separated with ----- so all you have to do is write each section in one perspective. However, if you are going to do perspectives, you should stick with only character perspectives, and NOT use a 3rd person narrator, AT ALL.
My suggestion? Follow my, and Jack's, advice and better your writing. The fact that you have an interesting premise is your only saving grace with this fic, otherwise that litte red bar at the top would be a LOT bigger.
1460497
Thank you so much for the feedback. Yes I know my writing is very....shit. When I have a thought in my head I just jot it down and don't reallt think. I'm not very good at like, layering it like how you both said. I'm hoping to learn from this as a lesson.
1460566 just give it a little more thought... also donutted get very descriptive or some might vomit and never read this agian
1460609
That would please me!
1460622 the vomit and people never read this? Why? Is it THAT terrible to you?
1460640
Nope, that people were continuing to read even though it made them sick.