• Member Since 21st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 18th, 2021

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May the floss be with you.

T

Vinyl Scratch's Hearth's Warming wishes come true.

If you have any objections with the story, just share them with me and I'll do my best to resolve your issue!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 43 )

I got all excited for a Minty fic :fluttershyouch:

3601939
Sorry...Maybe, if I have time/an idea, I could try writing something with Minty? Something involving Pinkie Pie and Minty maybe...imagine the chaos.

3601948
I would read that so hard :rainbowderp:

3601969
I'll see if I can think of something excellent then...and that gives me an excuse to rewatch A Very Minty Christmas :pinkiesmile:

3601983
Pfft, I do that every Christmas Eve anyway :rainbowlaugh:
I also tried out for a solo for That's What I Love About Christmas, but I didn't get it for some contrived reason :twilightangry2:

nice short story, i like it, write if you want, dont let anyone force you to write, only good storys come by free will (true story)

Freaking amazing. Can't wait for things to heat up.

This was perfect. Just the right amount of words, too.

Wonderful story, definitely deserves a Like.

3602921
Thanks! I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it!:heart:

You got my like! A great story!

Not bad!
Felt a bit awkward at first but moved beyond that very quickly, well done.
Though the detail at the end made my brain twitch on to clop if you don't feel comfortable writing it then don't.
Though I never turn down Vinyl X Octavia! :pinkiecrazy:

3603844
Lol. I have no problem writing clop. Have you seen some of my other stories?

3603850
Yes I have. :pinkiehappy:
But romance and clop together becomes a very different animal.
Still I know you can handle it, I wouldn't follow you otherwise.
Plus... socks is best pony.

Faved because I reeeeaaaaally want you to change the status and rating. :raritywink:

Oh, no you didn't

Smack in the face from G3.5

Uhhh... thbis was made on my birthday!!!!!

With a twitch of annoyance and confusion Vinyl stopped in her tracks and looked down.It was a white package,

Missed a space.

The hooves that grasped the bow and tore apart the wrapping paper could be described as no less eager and in mere second the box stood bare

seconds*

Now was the moment that Vinyl calmed her self as she carefully lifted the top off.

herself*

Unable to hold herself back Vinyl flung the door open with as much tact as she normally presents, pupils dilating at what she saw laying before her.

Comma after 'back'

The way her eyes stare at Vinyl beneath half closed lids spoke of only one thing.

stared* Also, I think a colon would work better at the end than a period, since you go into what her eyes were saying.

Come here.
The clamber of hooves could not have been matched, even by a foal on Hearth’s Warming Day, in their excitement. The peace of the moment was broken, the sexuality changed, but not lost.

You missed the line between the two paragraphs.

I wished to surprise you,”

Period, not comma

Grey nuzzled back,

Period, not comma

"Once or twice," A quick peck on the lips,

Periods instead of commas.

Eyes still closed a flicker of confusion crossed across that white muzzle before those eyes cracked back open.

Comma after 'closed'.

Sorry. I was struck with the urge to point out errors. I know I missed a few (late and I was sorta distracted by Robot Chicken), but that's what I found.

Nice story. Really sweet.

3606072
I'll fix some of those but I'm going to have to ask for a second opinion when it comes to the dialogue and periods/commas. Pretty sure when you have dialogue continuing, but actions in between like that, you have to use commas there.

Eh, the story was okay until it got overtly sexual. Too me it just made the story awkward, and really did nothing for it. There is no way I could feel "normal" reading something with the mental image of a horses junk.

Besides that the writing was okay, not the best grammar in the world, but still okay.

3606072
Thank you for pointing those out, I think I have fixed them now, other then the commas in the dialogue. I'm going to continue to edit it a bit more but I think I got that which you pointed out.

3606438
You do, but the dialogue isn't continuing. It is two separate sentences on both ends, as well as between them. If you are just using an action like that in the middle of a spoken sentence, you would use EM dashes. "Hey, Octavia, I was wondering if you could cook dinner tonight--" Vinyl rushed to the door "--since I will be home a bit late." (I don't know if the EM dashes go inside or outside the quotation mark, though. It may be a style choice.)

“Simply a small lie on my part. I wished to surprise you,” Grey nuzzled back, “Surprise.”

If you were to try and do it here, the sentence would be "I wished to surprise you, surprise." (Also, you wouldn't add caps after the commas, since it isn't a new sentence)

"Once or twice," A quick peck on the lips, "Do you want your present, my special, little DJ?"

Same here. The sentence would be "Once or twice, do you want you present, my special, little DJ?" Also, I don't think there would be a comma after special. They are in different adjective groups, so it isn't needed.

And I understand wanting to get a second opinion.

First paragraph, third line, next to last word in the line, you mispelled "there" as "thee."

More changes pending.

Great job. You have my approval :moustache:

3608599
:pinkiegasp:
That's the best kind of approval
:pinkiehappy:

this story inspired me

3610682
That is the best kind of compliment a writer can hear.

2D

OBJECTION!

I need more. :rainbowkiss:

3617840
I'll try my darnest. I've never even read any of that "romance" stuff before much less written it but seeing how well this did...I'll write more to it once I finish with the story I'm working on currently

2D

3617908

Good to hear, chapp'o

SHL

This was good! :pinkiehappy:

im all for "leave a good story where it lies," but in any other aspect i think you did great. it was a good story and i enjoyed reading it. :ajsmug:

I'm surprised that you decided to go there on your first outing with romance but it didn't really detract from the story to me. This was adorable, good job :3

I don't know how I can have missed this. Faved and liked.

This was adorable and very sweet. Well done!

Ohai!

Well, this one isn't my favorite. It feels incomplete in many ways. It's quite obvious that it was meant to be a porn story, since the buildup is rather nonexistent, the emotions are there to justify the actions that will stem from them, the (possible?) conflict (not being able to buy the socks) is resolved rather suddenly (surprise! Octavia had them all along!), and well, there really isn't much to it.

Everything about this story screams 'Sex at the end!' or 'Interesting turn of events!' with a sprinkle of 'Maybe heartwarming moment!' and I can see that you tried to have a little of everything here, but they all fell short.

The sex was reduced to a non-erotic glimpse of Octavia's vagina, that frankly felt very out of place once the story was over, and it ruined the heartfelt moment by making it seem that it would have a continuation that simply fell short.

The interesting turn of events wasn't there at all. Octavia had the socks all along? Astounding! So what? The angry posh mare, store owner, unmentioned friend might have been the one who tipped Octavia of Vinyl's desire for socks? Far fetched, since only the mare was ever mentioned, and she acted too much like a bitch to be a friend of Octavia's.

The heartfelt moment? No buildup. There was no conflict to overcome, so how do we know Vinyl's love is genuine? Because she repeats it once or twice? I simply do not feel the love from this couple.

A few grammar and spelling issues here and there, but nothing serious. Nice description, and fluent narrating.

6/10

The Iron Galley sails onward to the next story!

This is something i actually prefer over clop...

Have fun.

And Merry Christmas.

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