• Member Since 26th Sep, 2011
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Forget not that I am a derp.


In her short time on the Wonderbolts roster, Rainbow Dash has become the star atraction of the locker room with her wild stories. It was amusing at first, but Spitfire's gotten sick of it. Clearly, the best way to stop these tall tales is to see just how mundane Dash's home life really is. Hearth's Warming will provide the perfect excuse.

And that's where the problem really started, Chief Rights...

Written for The Iguana Man for Jinglemas 2021. Miranda Rights borrowed with permission from Estee, who wants it on record that they had nothing to do with the title. Rated Teen for significant alcohol use.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 50 )

Spitfire is lucky it’s Miranda chewing her out. If Fluttershy learned about her intent to make a manticore hat… Well Spitfire would probably be seeing a certain pair of teal eyes in her nightmares for months afterwards.

"Who wants more eggnog?"

"I do!"

"Pinkie, I think she's—"

"More for our special guest!"

"Thanks, pink hallucination!"

"Hee! That's what they call me!"

I didn’t know it was possible to be put into an apoplectic laughing fit before now. And now I know. :rainbowlaugh:

There were epaulettes. And shakos.

The idea of someone wearing multiple shakos simultaneously is hilarious to someone who spent nine years in marching bands. The question is, does Rarity wear her excessive accumulation of band hats down her back like the plates of a stegosaurus, or on the sides of her head like earmuffs that make it impossible to walk through doorways?

Just like that, Spitfire found herself on one of the benches, Dash still grinning like a madmare in front of her. "Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. But like I said, we're keeping it small this year. Everypony's gonna love you, and you're absolutely gonna have a great time!""

Eliminate second quote marks at the end of this...

""Spitfire! Hi!" A pink blur whizzed into view and started bouncing around faster than Spitfire could track. "We haven't really met except for the time I was in the crowd where Rarity knocked you out or when we all went to Wonderbolts headquarters to deliver Rainbow Dash's care package so she wouldn't forget about us but you were in your office or when you did that show that Rainbow kinda sabotaged because you triggered her foalhood trauma but I've never really had the chance to say hi until now. So hi! Again!"

... and the beginning of this.

Other than that, are you sure you're not Estee in disguise? This really felt like one of their stories, from Miranda to the more realistic look at the consequences of ponies' actions to the sense of humor. Definitely not complaining, when I manage to make myself read through them I really enjoy Estee's stories (it's the length of some of them that kills me), and this is definitely among those, I'll just need to remember that this is FanOfMostEverything's, not Estee's.

Chief Rights gave a humorless laugh. "Try keeping Ponyville stable for a few years, Captain. You'll feel older than Celestia."


OMG, this is awesome :rainbowlaugh:
Seriously, when Dash turns out to be the responsible one of the pair, you've really had too much eggnog :derpytongue2:

I almost snorted coffee up my nose from laughing so hard, I hope you're happy

Sweet holiday shenanigans. Honestly though, how did Spitfire manage to ignore every single red flag?

That got a nod. "Right. Typical ground town. Barely mustered enough wingpower to refill the Cloudsdale reservoir. The most exciting thing there is probably the gossip about who got caught cuddling with their cousin this week."

Home to lord of Chaos, Pinkie Pie, Starlight "Wanna see me do the impossible?" Glimmer, subwoofer cannons the size of houses, situated above a gate to Tartarus, and other things? If that's typical, I'd hate to see exceptional.

"It's gonna be great." Spitfire looped back around and started pushing the cloud. "Let's go for a manticore. I'll make a hat, just like the old Pegasopolitan generals."

Spitfire, this isn't Monster Hunter

Obviously, stacked for maximum authoritativity.


Starlight "Wanna see me do the impossible?" Glimmer

Nope. No reformed Starlight in this continuity. Her actions are FAR worse than in canon, and she is still on the loose.

Twilight giggled. "Yeah, that's Pinkie."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Actually, it does.

"Hey, careful with that stuff. Pinkie mixes her eggnog for rock farmers."

Rumor has it that if you can get Marble to drink three glasses of it, she'll start speaking to strangers in complete sentences.

"You're Applejack?"

AJ nodded. "Yes'm."

A leer spread across Spitfire's lips, one Dash hoped to never see again. "You're almost as hot as Crash says you are."

And given that Applejack was the only one of Rainbow's friends whose name Spitfire remembered in her inebriated state, Rainbow must have made that point exceedingly clear in the locker room.

Fun story. I wonder how long it'll be before Ponyville gets its deserved nationwide reputation for being the most mind-boggling town in all of Equestria. Do all of the out-of-town visitors assume that their experience was a fluke, or are they suppressing their memories?

There were epaulettes. And shakos. And braiding. Dash wasn't sure what all of those were, but they were definitely there, along with more brass than Pinkie's one-mare band.

:rainbowderp: "I told that reporter that I can tell clothes from not-clothes. I may have been overestimating my abilities. ...I wonder if I can spin that to get out of Publicity Stunt's mandatory Lyin' To The Press course."

Fun story. Now I'm wondering if "Ponyville Mare" occupies the same space in the Equestrian cultural consciousness as Florida Man does online.

Of course nopony outside of Ponyville would believe the nonsense that occurs there on the regular. Half the time they can't even recognize the Main Six. For real though, funny stuff.

Things seemed normal when I arrived, aside a dragon welcoming me into a crystal castle

"which, in hind sight, should have been telling me that something was not quite right"


Are you confusing this with an Estee joint? AFAIK, FoME hasn't done anything terribly non-canonical with Starlight...

Can't tell which of you is Hurricane which is Pansy. I
bet is like Wooster and Jeeves.

Followed by trying to recreate the Stare on every crop of recruits from now until retirement, which would just add to the humiliation.

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If I don't put at least one person in harm's way with my writing, is it even a comedy? :raritywink:

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The intended idea was that Rainbow Dash knows that:
A. There is something in fashion known as a "shako."
B. Shako(s) is/are definitely present in Rarity's outfit.

She mostly knows point B from subconsciously registering bits and pieces of what Rarity's saying while focusing on other things. That said, if anypony could make a towering pillar of hats work, it's Rarity.

I'm flattered, really. Glad to know I used the character well. (I'd say something in Estee's defense, but they did publish a sixteen-kiloword single-chapter story less than twelve hours after this one. :twilightsheepish:)

It's certainly what most people would call a warning sign.

Rank-borne arrogance, mostly. She's the best of the best. Of course she knows what she's doing when it comes to deflating the rookie's ego. (Plus, Spitfire has more than a few blind spots in common with Dash, who sees red flags more as invitations.)

At least she's not carrying a sword that weighs twice as much as she does.

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To be clear, this is emphatically not canon to the Triptych Continuum. Just because I convinced Estee to let me play with one of their toys doesn't mean I would presume to use their sandbox. Miranda's presence here is much like Sizzler's in the Traveling Tutor series. When dealing with a multiverse, there's rarely just one of anything.
(Starlight, for the record, was spending this Hearth's Warming on tour with Trixie.)

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Ponyville's madness remained a well-kept secret for well into Twilight's reign. Discord thought it was funnier that way.

It's like Sunnydale Syndrome; if ponies actually stopped to think about all the madness that happens within spitting distance of the capital, they wouldn't be able to function.

Hey the night ended with zero horrors from beyond time and space, I’d say that’s a win for Ponyville. Of course we don’t know what else Pinkie got up to after they left the party.

Spitfire with the airbrakes off...and Dash in a futile attempt trying to re-deploy them...

That was new...

And I feel so sorry for Miranda...who with a quiet groan and shake of her head, once more faces Ponyville's, ahem, 'uniqueness'...

And what is said in the locker room is supposed to stay in the locker room...just like in Las Pegasus...

Spits... the local chaos god is literally on parole there.

You cannot underestimate the weirdness that implies, given Celestia clearly felt Ponyville was somewhere Discord could go without being a problem.

Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemares

Our family is Hispanic, so the traditional song is "Police Have Your Dam."

See, this? This is why I love Jinglemas. There's absolutely no way of telling what you're going to get, but it'll probably be great, and frequently in a way you never realized that you wanted.

I love this so much. To be honest, the only major problem with it is that I now have an incredible desire to read The Continuing Adventures of Drunk Spitfire.

Also, I love how, even when Spitfire is about ten percent alcohol by volume, she still recognizes Rarity as the one who knocked her out. Mare can hold a grudge. Or, you know, there could be other reasons she remembers her...

That said, given who this is for, I do wish I could've incorporated Iota Force somehow. Hope you enjoy this, Iguana. And everyone else.

Eh, I'm not gonna lie, I'd have enjoyed the shout out (even if I suspect few others would notice), but I also like the idea of Scoots spending so much time in the holding cells she could find her way in and out blindfolded, and it definitely worked better for the story. Rest assured, I definitely enjoyed it - thank you.

Look on the brightside Spitfire at least you didn't make any bets with Soarin, like letting him finally take you out on a date or something.

That was awesome. Thanks for the treat.

Happy Hearth’s Warming, FoME! And you, too, The Iguana Man!

Damn that's a fucking baller story title

"When Soarin' says he told me so, make sure I don't turn him into a hat."



no one can tell me not to talk to my PINK HALLUCINATION!!!! :flutterrage:


VERY nicely done considering its Ponyville Spitfire's adventure seems a little tame overall

It isn't a real party until everybody makes bail.

Woo! Nice continuation to Team Cohesion! And both are Estee-referential / inspired, etc!

Alice in Wonderland ref of "impossible things"! :rainbowdetermined2:



modified more modern sensibilities." > modified for more modern sensibilities."

"Congratulations are in order, Rainbow Dash." The policemare magically pulled one sheet out of the stack of paper on her desk. "It's been roughly four moons since we had to meet in an official capacity. Scootaloo really has turned over a new leaf."

Love the implication of Mom Dash

Very good fanfic, I enjoyed reading it tremendously.

I take it she's not familiar with Ponyville. That appears to have cost her.

Ponyville is the town where visitors remarking on craziness can be summed up as "But for me...it was Tuesday."

Ponyville; The craziest, weirdest, and most unpredictable town in Equestria.
(And we wouldn't change a thing about it :twilightsmile:)

this is a great story. I would love to see the Bolts sucked into one of Dash's adventures

Fun. As always, I like the pacing of the dialogues and events. Fun interactions.

Hehehe. Thanks for the smiles.

This got me some laughs. Good story, FoME!

lol about to read this and my mom just asked me why I was humming Christmas Carols lol

it wasn't even intentional my subconscious just loves singing lol

(literally when I drive with the radio off, its one of the closest links to my subconscious I can muster. And my subconscious falls into humming Gerudo Valley about twice a month despite my never having played more than a few hours of zelda games.

I find myself bursting into random snatches of song myself, so I completely understand. And Gerudo Valley is an outstanding song in general.

i just started humming it from reading the name without intending to, which makes me realize maybe SCP cognitohazards are more real than we give them credit to be.

Well that was fun! I wish the actual party scene had lasted about thrice as long, but I'm certainly not one to talk. Enjoyed it greatly. Also Publicity Stunt is a great name for a pony who does what she does and for whom she does it.

Nopony said anything, but Chief Rights's raised eyebrow spoke volume.

unless this is a pun on volume as sound, usually the phrase is "spoke volumes"

Hi fellow marching band brass player! I take it you also marched in college for a while?

( I admittedly have zero clue what the fuck a shako is

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