• Member Since 19th Dec, 2012
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Flammenwerfer


Auf Wiedersehen, fuckboi

T

There's a saying in Equestria that "Keeping the harmony doesn't come cheap." Many owe the saying to the countless ponies—and the Elements of Harmony themselves, no less—who have sacrificed so much to keep a lasting peace in Equestria against all threats.

Twilight just didn't anticipate a more literal component of this... or rather, a monetary one. On the bright side, she now knows to never trust her friends with money again.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 50 )

Those numbers seem pretty sus.
Me thinks Bottom Line has been embezzling from the expense reports. :trixieshiftright:

budget? I hardly knew it!

So Spike is either the only one who doesn't use the budget or properly files his expenses.

“W-Well… I do know that one! That was for a special treatment for the animals—the ‘Hookers and Blow’ Package!”

https://youtu.be/wpMXs58L5x4

So, a crackfic with references to actual crack (or blow, whatever). Did not expect that.

I'm honestly surprised Twilight was totally clueless about the "budget". This doesn't strike me as something that Princess Celestia and Luna would gloss over or that Twilight wouldn't thoroughly research.

10902380
Aye, that's kinda the whole point though for me. Obviously the show never mentioned it, and I was just thinking about it "wouldn't it be funny if Twilight didn't know about this?"

So yeah in reality you're 100% correct lol

10902393
I mean... there was the thing with her opening the school, where Celestia could have warned her about it... but chose not to.

10902490
Oh yeah! And come to think of it, Twilight was kept in the dark until the last minute (or inopportune times) for her alicorn ascension and being groomed as successor to the throne...

ha it took a long time to finally find someone who would answer that age old question :D

and it was hilarious xD

Ciber #12 · July 16th · · 16 ·

"dab aggressively three times."
The exact point where I stopped reading and decided to downvote.

10902329
Right? Kinda make me want a side chapter where she finds out if he has used the budget, and he did, but for something like first-aid kits or something.

Once again, Past Flamm gives Present Flamm a gift

I have to wonder what gifts Present Flamm is leaving for Future Flamm :rainbowlaugh:.

10902546
Or finds out that they'd be even further over budget, except for Spike's superpower being able to stretch a bit until you can see daylight through it and him doing the shopping for all of their mundane supplies.

“W-Well… I do know that one! That was for a special treatment for the animals—the ‘Hookers and Blow’ Package!”

i died at this point

“Remember when I was baking cookies… and you were making your rounds to check on everypony? And I told you that I was running low on some supplies so I had to get some in a pinch? It was me, Twily. I was able to save the day by finding a nice older mule in one of Canterlot’s back alleys who said that he had some ‘SPECIAL SUGAR’ I could use THAT EVERYPONY WOULD LOVE!”

You have my permission to die.

Comment posted by FrostTheWolf deleted July 16th

“So… you wanna murder us over you not knowing about our budget? That’s not very cash-money of you, Twi.”

Spike actually had to hold Twilight back this time

Someone give Spike a raise for having to hold off alicorn anger

Ok, so whose fault is this? I mean, I feel like if Twilight had known, she could have reigned in their activities (except for Pinkie; Pinkie cannot be contained). So, who's responsible?

It can't be Spike. He seemed very confident that Twilight knew about the budget, so it seems very unlikely that he failed to deliver a letter informing her of it.

It's not the others, because they clearly received a letter or something informing them off the budget and would have reasonably assumed Twilight received the same.

Luna certainly had no problem directing Rarity to use it, so probably not her (although the fact that she was willing to use his station to instruct a public servant to misappropriate public funds is... concerning).

So, that leaves Celestia. Unfortunately, this fits a very concerning pattern of behavior wherein she deliberately conceals important state intelligence from the state actor who, presumably, needs to act on that intelligence. It's no wonder Twilight ends up ruling with an iron hoof. Or I guess more of a velvet hoof with an iron shoe. She clearly find a way to keep all her subjects happy.

But I'll bet the Crown never goes over-budget again.

That 'Hookers and Blow' bit oh my God

10902747
Spike was excited when he heard they were doubling his pay.

Then he realized that 2 x 0 = 0.

10902898
it okay the reason twilight was in the dark was because spike made sure of it so he could skim off the top with easy, he secretly rich

Reminds me of another crackfic. Twilight's friends are deadbeats who can't keep a job. She makes up jobs for them just so they don't end up homeless. The only problem is they need to pass a backround check first.

10903240
What story? That sounds hilarious!

Damn. Funny, but damn!:moustache::twilightangry2:

neat
Be interesting to have a side story along this 'universe' where Twilight has an iron hoof in running the budget and shenanigans happen when the girls try to get her to 'use the budget' for something

10903434
I think this is what you're asking for.

A Cursory Background Check

“You treated the animals to a rather run-of-the-mill package of ‘Hookers and Blow.’ And in order to facilitate this, you had to have actual hookers administer the Blow and Hookers… and you paid the hookers for their time, in blow . Am I understanding this correctly?”

:rainbowlaugh:

I think Twilight could use some special sugar.

Twilight also never knew Spike's Private Account.

10903169
Spike was later sentenced to life in prison for embezzlement.

10902329
Not necessarily, Bottom Line called out the "stand-out" items

“Remember when I was baking cookies… and you were making your rounds to check on everypony? And I told you that I was running low on some supplies so I had to get some in a pinch? It was me , Twily. I was able to save the day by finding a nice older mule in one of Canterlot’s back alleys who said that he had some ‘SPECIAL SUGAR’ I could use THAT EVERYPONY WOULD LOVE!”

DISTRACTING THEM ENOUGH TO KILL IRIS!

Well then that was very much unexpected and I see this Mane 6 ending way differently.

A little of Pinkie's special sugar cooking and you have the perfect recipe for a literal crack fic.

Dan
Dan #37 · July 18th · · ·

Okay, who is "Bottom Line" really? Did Pinkie pull Cheese in on their little prank and have him disguise himself?

Is Spike in on it?

Because it's definitely a prank and don't try to claim it isn't.

Ok, I feel like this needs to be narrated by ObabScribbler or something. This needs a voice behind it. Awesome story man

10902329
Clearly! Lmao

10902354
My thoughts exactly. It had to be done.

10902379
It's funny that I didn't even think about that. Holy shit... but you're right lmao

10902515
Hey thanks! Glad you enjoyed the drivel :D

10902546 10902591
I'd believe this 100% lol

10902582
Probably one or two things... and not even gifts. Present flamm also leaves problems for future Flamm when I say 'fuck it, I'll write myself into a corner. What's the worst that could happen?'

10902631
LOL that was one of my favorite parts too, ngl

10902726
i.ytimg.com/vi/uD5zUHxJEk4/maxresdefault.jpg

10902747
Raise ain't in the budget unfortunately... because of reasons.

10902748
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/482/738/0c3.jpg
And most definitely lol

10902848
I'm not in the least bit sorry about that part :rainbowlaugh:

10902898 10903169
That, or he's probably the one who created like a massive savings account in being the responsible one :rainbowlaugh:. But then again, he has to fund his gem addiction somehow...

10903240
I fuckin' forgot about that lmao. I still need to read that shit at some point

10903594
Thanks man! And yeah I feel the same way--damn

10903807
She wouldn't give them ANY leeway for anything lol. Nothing.

10904028
Simple, really :rainbowlaugh:

10904194
That crazy alicorn probably does some other gnarly things with that magic of hers. Who knows what she's huffing to deal with her best friends

10904212
Nah that's just the revenue from his scale pics that he put up on his OnlyFlames account

10904353
i.ytimg.com/vi/uD5zUHxJEk4/maxresdefault.jpg

10904833
Who knows what goes on behind the scenes, amirite?

10904964
HEEEEELLL YEAAAAH

10905088
It isn't a prank.
melmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/66f-1.jpg

10906438
No idea, bruv--someone will narrate it if they want, I suppose. But the fact that you think it needs to is an honor! Thank you!!

10903240
hmm, you've piqued my interest

Ahh yes, the other 5 did live in a fantasy world.

:twilightangry2:: That's it! From now on, I'm controlling the budget myself. Not a single bit of it goes out without my say-so!

Six months later...

Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked up, their necks straining to put their heads in a position where they could see the top of the Tower of Books.

The road to the Tower's creation had been an interesting process. It had started out slow and regular enough that no one had noticed, barely registering the increased amount of shelving within the castle's walls. However, after about a month, the vast, labyrinthine hallways of the palace had been reduced to tunnels so narrow a pony couldn't turn around in them, the books stacked around them in architecturally brilliant but commonsensically questionable ways. Despite the strength of the magical crystal that made up the palace, it had been suggested that the density of books on the lower floors was the only thing keep it from collapsing under the weight of the books on the upper floors.

That had been the start of it, but around that time, they had literally run out room inside the castle that could conceivably house books. So, naturally, the next step had been to put those books outside the castle, with a small wall around them to protect them from the elements.

That had been done three months ago. Thanks to the acceleration of purchase allowed by the expanded tower, it was now on its third layer.

"Now, Twi, don't wanna 'ccuse you o' bein' a hypocrite of nothin'," Applejack said as she watched the fleet of pegasi lower the crenellated roof onto the latest expansion, "but are ya sure spendin' all our budget on books ain't a little..." she trailed off, not quite knowing what she could say while remaining civil.

Twilight let out a long sigh, her face stretched taut as she tried to keep it neutral. "Well, first off, this only accounts for about a third of our budget - the rest went to paying for the damages you're still incurring," she glared at Dash who, for her part, had already pulled down a cloud to nap on, "the few legitimate expenses that have been needed and, of course, paying for rehab for half of Canterlot and the surrounding towns and cities." She paused, tilting her head and allowing a little confusion to seep into her tone. "Also Rockville. Still not sure how Pinkie managed that."

Fluttershy swallowed hard, nervous but feeling compelled to ask, "How is Pinkie doing in rehab, by the way?"

Twilight allowed a rueful smile to poke onto her face. "Better. They finally managed to get her to understand how dependent she'd become on the stuff for her energy and joy. She's trying to get clean and... well, she did always bring a new meaning to being "high on life", so I'm hopeful for her."

"Gettin' off the point a little, Twi," Applejack cut in with a stern expression. "Point is, even a third of our budget on books seems a little much, even for you. Ain't like you can even read most of 'em, anyway."

"Oh, I didn't buy them to read them," Twi assured her with a sweet, paper-thin smile. "I've read almost all of them already anyway. Heck, it didn't have to be books, they were just the first thing it occurred to me to spend all that money on. And I had to spend it on something."

Applejack sighed. "But ain't this even more pointless than what we bought?"

"Not at all," Twilight chirped. "All this spending was for an absolutely vital purpose."

"An' that'd be?"

Twilight's smile widened at the edges of her mouth even as it dropped away from her eyes. "Making sure none of you could spend it."

Applejack raised a hoof and opened her mouth to object before hanging there. After a few seconds, she lowered her hoof again, closing her mouth into an reluctant-but-accepting frown.

Rarity, however, gave an imperious sniff. "Well, I hardly see how my spending habits could be considered objectionable. They were, I would remind you, royally sanctioned."

Twilight's smile faded, unable to be maintained even ironically. "Indeed, I was going to cut you some slack in particular... until I took a look at what you actually bought during that little escapade."

Rarity reeled back in offense, though one could just about make out a faint sheen of sweat making its way through her impeccably groomed fur. "Now, Twilight, I really don't think it's appropriate for you to be looking through somepony's - let alone the Princess's - intimate indulgances."

"Oh, I didn't," Twilight replied, a hoof pinching the bridge of her muzzle. "I only took a brief glance over things while I went over the filed receipts. But one item in particular stood out rather starkly, for obvious reasons - I believe the phrase was "body pillow"...

A fragile grin came onto Rarity's face, even as her pupils shrank and her hooves started fidgetting, as if urging her to run. "Well, that's her decision and I hardly think you have the right to shame her for..."

"A body pillow," Twilight cut in, "with me on it!"

There was a long pause as everypony present tried to erase the previous knowledge from their mind through sheer force of will, not particularly caring if it took any of their higher brain functions with it. None were successful.

Eventually, Rarity cleared her throat. "Well, can I at least help with the designs for further expansions? Maybe enough for a... small consulting fee?" She finished in a squeak.

Twilight leveled a glare at her that made clear she was getting one chance. "I'd be just delighted."


Wow, sorry about that. Meant to add a little coda of my own and it sort of ballooned - I am a wordy sonovabeehive.

Anyway, this was pretty fun, even if a few of the informalities in the narration felt a little off given it seems to be largely from Twilight's POV. And, while I'm not the most entrenched fan of some of the kinds of humor employed, I'm okay with a smattering of it now and then and this worked quite well in that regard.

“Y-Yes, Princess. Your budget. Heh, you six plus Spike are the Department of Harmony, after all.”

:moustache:: "Finally it's official!"

To get her out properly with nopony ‘noticing’ or reporting her leaving, I had to… incentivize the Lunar Guard to look away.

At first I thought Rarity had dressed in something lewd to literally turn the guards' heads away, allowing Luna to slip away.
But she probably just bribed them, right? Right?

Twilight wanted to snap. She really, truly did… but that wide-eyed, innocent look that Fluttershy was known for wouldn’t let her.

To be fair, no one could be angry at Fluttershy, can they?

Twilight just opted to lay her head on the table. She was tired. Fatigued, really… and it was the kind of fatigue that no amount of sleep could cure.

:trollestia:: "Welcome to the club!"


Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.


10914814

"A body pillow," Twilight cut in, "with me on it!"

To be fair, this only proofs Luna has a good taste in such things.
And the fact such a thing even exists shows she is not the only one.

Huh... I expected them be wasting more money, because they are ”heroes”. I wonder how badly next budget/spending-spree goes.
Also remembered a comedy story where others where abusing the fact that they where friends with a princess, Twi, for their own benefit.

So did the girls die from Twilight’s wrath? I wouldn’t hold it against her tbh :/ Also did Luna turn her chambers into a sex dungeon or something? xD

I also don’t just import zap apples, if you wish I can help you with any other importation or exportation of any goods.

If you need me, call me at the Russian Embassy in Algiers.

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