• Member Since 13th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago


Whale, whale, whale, now that's what I call a fluke.


What is a mediocre villain to do these days? How in Equestria do you compete with the likes of Chaos gods and love-stealing shapeshifters? Ever since those Bearer brats found the Elements of Harmony and Princess Celestia's long-lost and kind-of-evil-but-not-really-in-the-end sister returned, nopony bats an eye at the small potatoes any more.

Small Potatoes himself just cannot take being relegated to the side lines any longer! He has one, glorious plan in the works, one that might finally see it - his name, that is - go down in history. He's going to do the one thing that villains all over Equestria have been failing to do since that fateful Summer Sun Celebration to stop the Guardians of Harmony once and for all.

He's going to hire somepony else to do the job for him.

[This story contains scenes about death, attempted murder, some blood and an injury described in light-moderate detail (and with a humourous bent, I'm hoping.)]

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 151 )

Oooooh, I'm curious how it will go ^^

You have my attention. Do keep going!

:derpytongue2: Hired killers?

They wont know what went wrong

And here I thought the Duck was bluffing.

You'd think that the term "Guardian of Honesty" would give Melonie a clue that AJ is a freaking lie detector... :facehoof:

Fortunately for Applejack, not all hired killers are masterminds. :ajsmug:

I like earth pony magic headcanons and I really like this one.
I don’t think I can choose a favorite line from Applejack here.

Maybe because...she's not? cannocially she not a lie detector..at all.

:applejackconfused: What in tarnation ? What's that contraption... Apple Bloom?
:applecry: Sorry sis It's an automatic Apple Buck Corn Picker 5000
:ajbemused: You didn't buy it from then nasty brothers did you?
:scootangel: Na we helped her build it , It was supposed to fly too But...:unsuresweetie: It squished your friend there , Were really sorry
:applejackunsure: Yea it did didn't it, You gals go run along now , This hired killer ain't killin no more
:scootangel::applecry::unsuresweetie: So that's our shield cutie mark! We're BAT MARE!
:ajsmug: Ain't they cute ... Bat Mare
:facehoof: and Spike's CAPTIAN EQUESTRIA

A melon is still about to get broken. Just not the one that Melonie anticipated.

:ajsmug:It's all fun and games till somepony looses their teeth...

Honestly I can respect small potatoes hustle but yeah no the assassins are doomed

oh. oh, you poor, poor fools.

Well, I assume Pinkie's chapter is gonna be filled with a lot of balloons. Will be extremely disappointed if not.

"Make him talk," Discord commanded.

Oh god. The poor stallion! When Discord is the one giving you over to Angel, you know you messed up horribly. Especially with a statement as open as that.

Being honest here, not even the Big name Villains are Masterminds either. I think The Villainous Trio of Cozy Glow, Tirek and Queeny were the closest to taking over Equestria and getting rid of the Elements. But not even they thought their plan out and thus, I don’t think the EoH have ever really faced a true villainous Mastermind in battle.

once again, pinkie sense saves the day!

Yeah, I think the closest they got might have been vs Starlight, though only in as much as she was very magically capable and tried to isolate Twilight from the rest of her friends.

She didn't really seem to have a plan beyond that though, lmao

There were no balloons, but I was not disappointed.

I am morbidly curious what precautions she would have taken. Also I have to wonder if this group was purchased at discount rates because so far none of them have really done the necessary research.

People make fun of the dodge build.

Who is laughing now?

Of course.
That leaves Rarity, Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

Dash is just likely to be too fast to hit, Rarity might just transform her attacker into a figurative pincushion, and Twilight in a literal one.

Small Potatoes didn't look at their Yelp reviews closely enough. :ajsleepy: Their reconnaissance scores are abysmal.

Given where we left him last time, I guess I was imagining something more like:

When she arrived, Crash Sentinel was staring blankly at the roiling chaos outside, shivering all over and making panicked gibbering noises. After approaching, Cloudy Crosshair heard the repeated mumble, "B-bunnies... b-b-b... b-bunnies...."

And at that moment Melon knew she was completely bucked.

Apparently someone doesn’t know how do do intel. Why do I think Celestia found out and made sure the intel was bad as to round up as many of her bad subjects as possible?

Information is ammunition, and these jokers came to the gunfight without any rounds in the chamber.

:duck: Hello? We haven't been introduced This is Spikey Wikey and I'm Rarity who might you be?
:moustache: A BAR B -Q Lunch!
:raritywink: Manors Spike, You know some dragons eat ponies
:moustache: He's fainted what do we do with him now!
:flutterrage: Hay hay hay Lets put him into my shed!
:pinkiecrazy: cup cakes anypony?

Musical levels, hmmmm it seems Lord Downey, has been expanding the guild beyond the Disc... although I'm afraid I'll have to inform Lord Vetinari about the lack of Black clothing... it's just not proper...

Why do I have s feeling whatever assassin goes after Rarity will discover needles can be a very dangerous weapon.

I'm betting a literal lady-killer who tries to seduce her, only to wind up getting led on himself only to find himself wrapped up in several rolls of clashing fabric. :raritywink:

You can't crit me if you can't hit me!

Her plan was to literally travel back in time and attempt to stop the sonic rainboom. While it would separate Twilight and her friends, she could have been smarter about it. Like traveling to the past shortly after the Map sent the Mane 6 to Our town and caused some issues to slowly separate the Mane 6 from each other like Sunset did in EQG.

Somepony is going to find that cheap help is cheap for a reason.

Personally I hope Rarity turns out to have family relations to Equestrias version of the mafia and said relations just happen to be visiting. Relations who not only object to their darling neice being a target, but are professionally offended by these bumblers calling themselves hitponies.

I am definitely very curious for the remaining two attempts (and conclusion), this has been an entertaining series of unfortunate events.

I love this series.

Also I do not want to visit discords house....


Couldn't help but think of this:

Also liking the story quite a bit so far

Honestly, considering rarity? Her would be assassin is likely having a very, VERY bad time. She's absolutely just one Bad Day from being a villain herself, after all :raritywink:

Why do I think Rarity has already dealt with hers and is on her way to Twilight’s. Because I am willing to be that they either mocked or ruined one of her works.

Rainbow stopped short and sniffed. She looked up at Tank, who seemed smug. She looked down at the unconscious griffon, at the dagger gripped in his talons, and at the rather large welt on the back of his head that could even be seen through his feathers.

Bruh, the guy was weak AF, lol.

Huh. You know, I've never seen a headcanon of Rainbow Dash being any sort of neat freak, but when you put it in avian terms like that, it totally makes sense. The faster you fly, the more any little imperfections screw up the airflow.

Wait, how did Tank take out the assassin? Did he just ram into him really hard? It's not exactly clear, and that makes me curious.

Speaking of curious: the Eternal Void is alive?! I need details!


The sad thing is I can almost imagine Rainbow setting up such traps herself just to add a bit of spice to an otherwise mundane activity.

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