Epilogue: Small Potatoes Goes to Ground
If all things were to be said and done, Dirty Work would have admitted that it was a relief to be handed over to the Guard. The two unicorn mares that had escorted him from the throne room had frankly rather terrified him. The white one had explained exactly how one of her deftly moved needles could kill him in a variety of creative and painful ways. The pink one had interjected at various points to explain how she could achieve similar effects magically. Then there were Berry Blade's darts being waved all over the place. Dirty didn't know if his unicorn underling was even still alive, which was a little disheartening.
By the way the white mare's blue eyes were flashing, that confrontation had likely not gone well for poor Berry. Given the presence of the pink and orange earth ponies as well, he was inclined to assume that Cloudy Crosshair and Melonie had also fallen afoul of the Guardians' skills. The lack of pegasi meant nothing, but he had hoped that Grimoire and Crash Sentinel had found their targets more agreeably killable.
The pink earth pony had bounced into the room at one point, carrying of all things, a fridge. She had told the unicorns that the Princess was still alive and not to worry too much. Dirty Work had been rather skeptical of that, but the pink pony was grinning with a radiant look that he was pretty sure couldn't be faked by anypony mourning a friend. Apparently the Princess just wanted to eat and then would have the dragon send a letter to the other Princesses, and at that point Dirty had decided that he wasn't going to get out of this one.
Then there had been Discord. The less spoken about that particular experience, the better, but he had found out that exactly none of his team had succeeded either.
So it was that when a small contingent of guardsponies arrived - some in the armour of the Crystal Empire - he found himself relaxing somewhat under the quiet scrutiny of a tall, muscled unicorn with a dark blue mane and a white coat. The absence of a wall of glittering needles was of great benefit to his state of mind, although the pony who had held it up was still staring daggers at him from the door of the castle.
All six of the Guardians of Friendship were there, crowded in tight around the now much cleaner Princess Twilight Sparkle, and none of them looked particularly friendly. The other scary unicorn, the baby dragon, and Equestria's only draconequus were also present, and also glaring.
The white unicorn from the Guard surveyed the rest of Dirty Work's crew. They had all been hobbled. Dirty, Crosshair, Crash and Grimoire had all had their wings bound, and Grimoire had also had his claws capped and his beak wrapped. Berry had the base of her horn fitted with an aura disruptor. They weren't going anywhere.
The unicorn returned his stare to Dirty Work. That was when the green pegasus noticed the stallion's cutie mark and the rather familiar star shape on the shield. At that moment, Dirty would say later to his dungeon-mates, he could have sworn he could feel his glands pouring the stress hormones into his blood vessels. He had gulped.
Dirty Work thought about the part of the contract with Small Potatoes that indicated he was to keep his mouth shut about who hired him. He weighed it up in his mind. Mentally tore it in two.
Shining Armor looked around the dingy little office with his lip peeled back in disgust. Some tacky potato-shaped ornaments were standing on a set of shelves to the left of where he had flung open the door with a blast of magenta aura. Some of the solanius tat had fallen over, one or two had fallen to the floor, but Shining's eyes were drawn towards the ones still standing.
His crashing entrance into the mostly empty room hadn't been enough to knock over those potato-shaped knick-knacks.
Small Potatoes wasn't there, but the receptionist at the desk said that she hadn't seen him leave - nor had she had any idea that the boss of an otherwise well-respected crisp-producing company moonlighted as a villain.
The pair of armored guards behind Shining Armor - one in Princess Celestia's royal gold, and one in his wife's glittering blue crystal - stepped gingerly after the now irate white stallion. Shining squinted at the ornaments and reached out his aura to tug. Sure enough, one of the small sculptures - a crudely carved mare draped alluringly over a potato - didn't smash to the floor. Instead, Shining found that it twisted with a click.
He cursed as a panel in the plush floor twinkled and faded, revealing an opening. Shining Armor's tail lashed as he stared down into the hole. It was a tunnel. The walls were tiled in slick black squares of glass, and as Shining cast a light down the opening, he could see that the floor of the tunnel was dark, hard-packed dirt. From the way his light threw shadows against the polished walls, Shining reckoned that the tunnel branched in several directions. He cursed again.
Shining looked up at the guard in blue. "Get the tracking team up here. He's gone to ground."
The guard rushed off in a flurry of feathers, not having enough space to really take off in a corridor built for groundbound ponies, but using what beats he could manage to speed up his galloping steps. There wasn't much point in hurrying now - Shining had a gut feeling that the pony who had tried to have his sister killed had gotten away.
The hard earth below wouldn't have caught any of Small Potatoes' hoofprints, but Shining Armor had enough approximate knowledge to know that the floor of the escape tunnels had been left uncovered for a reason. To draw magic from the ground as he ran and increase his speed and endurance. Hopefully the earth ponies of the tracking team could tell which direction the villain had taken by reading his trace.
Shining cursed once more.
"Sorry I'm late," said Fluttershy, slipping into the hot water. "I had to convince Angel and Harry to wait outside for me. The poor dears are still worried about letting me go off on my own."
"Oh no, darling, you're only just a few minutes out from all the rest of us," said Rarity, cracking open one of her eyes. "We've all been dealing with clingy families since the incidents, as it were."
Fluttershy smiled. "Well I'm glad you finally finished your dresses. Any longer and I might have just booked myself in at the spa!"
Fluttershy giggled and put a hoof over her mouth. Rarity let out a mild snort.
"Anyway," Fluttershy said, stretching her wings beneath the surface of the giant tub and turning towards Twilight. "How've you been?"
Twilight was leaning with her head on the rim of the tub, the rest of her body mostly underwater. "Well, it's only been two days and already you can barely tell anything happened to my chest. Alicorn self-healing magic is fascinating."
"That's great! But I meant, um," Fluttershy wrung her hooves. "Mentally?"
"Oh, that," Twilight sat up and water streamed from her mane. "I've been a little jumpy, I guess? But now I know I can't really die... I'm more concerned that that assassin pony was in the castle where Spike and Starlight were, and that all those other ponies went after you girls. It's been worrying me."
Twilight bit her lip. "Who's to say somepony won't follow Small Potatoes' example? What if he tries again? What if-"
Pinkie Pie stuck her hoof into Twilight's mouth. "The spa is for letting all your brain wobblies melt away, Twilight. You can panic about that afterwards and then come up with some super-smart solution. Stop stewing on the scary things and stew yourself here."
"Mm, quite," murmured Rarity, who had shut her eyes again.
"Don't you think talking about these things will help, though?" Fluttershy asked, frowning slightly and touching one hoof to her chest.
"Talking? Yepperdoodle," Pinkie said. "Letting the wobblies take over? Uh-uh, no way, po-neigh."
"Okay," said Twilight, taking in a deep breath. "No brain wobblies."
"What about the rest of you?" Fluttershy asked, turning her head to look over all of her friends with wide eyes. "I didn't know anything had happened until Discord said he'd caught somepony, but you all had to deal with these ponies yourselves."
Fluttershy closed her eyes and shuddered. "I just couldn't imagine it."
"Well for starters," Rainbow stuck one hoof up with a ripple of water. "My assassin was a griffon, and he wasn't very good at it. Tank knocked him out, and his traps? I didn't notice them until like, the last one, but they were like, meh. I've been trapped in better. You remember the slime pit in Somnambula, Pinkie? Way better, and I was just blindfolded and tied to a statue."
"A statue that was sinking into hot, bubbling, lime-flavoured slime, Rainbow," Pinkie said. "In a room where pegasus magic had been nullified so you couldn't just fly out. It was a bit of a sticky situation."
"Yeah, yeah, point is that the griffon who came after me wasn't that scary," The pegasus pony stretched her wings up out of the water, and then folded them back down again. "I mean, flying in to see Twilight all shaken up and a giant pool of blood like that? Yeah, that wasn't cool. But me? I'm fine, Fluttershy."
Rainbow stopped, blinked, and then turned to Pinkie. "What do you mean lime-flavoured?"
Pinkie shrugged. "Somnambula's blindfold tasted kinda limey when I found it."
Rainbow frowned, sighed and leant back to submerge herself a little more.
Pinkie reached over to boop Fluttershy on the nose. "I got a little spooked 'cause my meanie-mare could've hit Mr and Mrs Cake by accident. Or the twins! But my Pinkie-sense has got my back. Tingling spine, left ear flop, stiff right leg and swishy-swashy tail means a hitpony was hired to pop my balloons permanently, so I can let you all know if it happens again."
Twilight tilted her head. "You can feel that? That's- that's useful, Pinkie Pie."
"Ah, put your thinky-face away, Twilight!" Pinkie scolded the alicorn. "Thinky-face leads to thinky-frights and those pesky brain wobblies."
Twilight pouted. "Fine, but I want to ask you about it after the spa."
"Sure!" Pinkie chirped, and then nudged Rarity in the ribs. "Hey, Fluttershy wants to know if you've been horribly traumatised."
"I don't-" began Fluttershy, but she was interrupted by Rarity's scoff.
"Traumatised? No. Offended? Completely," Rarity tossed her damp mane and stuck her muzzle up. "I was considered the most powerful unicorn in Ponyville until Twilight showed up - no no, do not apologise, darling, I absolutely did not mind being upstaged in that particular area - and I cannot believe that they underestimated me so dreadfully. It's like they saw 'fashion designer' on my resumé and read no further. I'm not saying I would have wanted them to try harder to kill me, but, well. I suppose I am just a little bit vain."
Rarity brought her nose down and stared into the middle distance. Her gaze went hard. "I'm more worried about how much I enjoyed myself when I saw that mare realise that she was the one in danger. I'm afraid I rather relished it. I went into some rather disturbing details about the damage I could do with but one of my sewing needles, and I watched the look in her eyes as I brought out my entire stock of them with... pleasure. And then I did it a second time with that green fellow."
"Oh my," Fluttershy said, bringing both hooves to her mouth.
"Quite," Rarity agreed. "I am currently arranging some things to see a therapist about it. If any of you girls would like me to put you in touch with the ponies I've been speaking to I can provide their details."
"I might take you up on that," Applejack said. She'd been pretty quiet so far. "I ain't been sleepin' right since it went down. It ain't that my hitmare was all that scary, I mashed her up pretty good after all. But seein' Twilight get got an' thinkin' she was gonna..."
Twilight reached out with a wing and pulled Applejack into a light hug. "I'm okay, Applejack! One good thing we've learned from all this is that it's impossible to get rid of me."
"Aw, yeah, I know that, in my head," Applejack said, leaning into the hug and pulling the next-closest pony (Rainbow Dash) in to start an impromptu Friendship Pile. Applejack gave a watery laugh. "But I keep seein' the scene over 'n' over and it ain't budgin'."
Fluttershy's ears drooped, and she made sure to squeeze the Frienship Pile extra hard. "I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything we can do to help?"
"Nah, jus' keep yerselves safe," Applejack said, pushing them all gently back and waving a hoof around. "An' I guess Rarity's therapy ponies couldn't hurt."
Rarity nodded. "I'll draw you up a list as soon as I get home."
"Just remember, if you do need any help-"
"I know, Twilight," Applejack shot her friend a light grin. "I'll ask for help."
"Okay, that's enough dwelling, girls!" Pinkie piped. "Topic change! If you were a type of cheese, what do you think you would be? I'd have to go with mozzarella for myself, or maybe gorgonzola? Both of 'em have that funky 'z' action going on and I am All. About. The funky."
Pinkie continued her musing, and the six ponies in the tub settled into a lively conversation.
Elsewhere, in a hastily-decorated new lair nestled somewhere undisclosed...
A pale-maned pony sat, scowling, and schemed.
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Very enjoyable, surprisingly wholesome - and very entertaining.
Well at minimum he left a lasting impression. That has to count for something.
I really liked this story. I actually wouldn’t mind reading more about Small Potatoes’ attempts at the Mane Six now that his identity has been blown. At least if you have the energy to do so, of course.
Characters with agency. A complement mastermind. What more could we want but more chapters.
I hope you have more info and. I love your work.
Nice story. Like how you set up a sequel. But I doubt Potatos is as safe as he thinks he is. Discord can find him if he REALLY wanted to. And I doubt he would be as pleasant as he was with the actual assassins.
(This was a lot of fun! I enjoyed this all quite a bit, and how things have left Rarity and Applejack in particular. I find it interesting that Rarity is going 'yeah, that's probably bad' and addressing her sadistic tendencies to make sure they're not a problem. And poor Applejack... I'm glad she gets hugs, and definitely more shall be coming her way!
Anyways, yes, quite fun, this was a nice little romp!)
it's funny because small potatoes is now a major antagonist, like he always wanted- he's had more impact on the mane six than virtually any villain whose title isn't preceded by "former" or named "queen chrysalis"
NICELY done
Well congratulations Small Potatoes you've made the big time. Lets consider the major crimes he could be charged with
Regicide/ attempted regicide which is debatable since the Princess in question can't be killed
High Treason see above
Treason probably multiple counts
Probably biggest crime to Twilight is damage to a book with that type of injury absolutely can not see it escaping the blood bath
then a list of lesser crimes probably ending with property damage though that was more the assassin than Small Potatoes directly
Unless he's scheming on how to make a new chip empire, I'd say let it go. Seriously, to hire assassins to take out that high level of targets, we're taking fritolay money. Why do evil villains want to do evil when they can live comfortably with the money they already have.
Full comments later.
Not a bad ending. I think this would be a wake up call to Rarity and am glad to see she recognizes that her response was a bit overboard. Now I wonder how Small Potatoes reacted to his lead assassin screwed up that bad? We know he bolted but I wonder what his reaction was once he realized not only did the assassins fail but one squealed.
Just wait until Twilight has her existential crises when she realizes that she will likely outlive her friends while never aging
10896104
It's either the cmc or It's a case of being in the zone and not wanting to be disturbed. The kind where you carry on entire conversations with someone and have no idea they were even there later. She seems the type.
10897760
Also a distinct possibility.
10897640
My personal headcanon is that alicorns eat a lot. One of the downsides of possessing uniquely powerful magic and being nigh immortal is that you need so much energy to fuel yourself.
static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/fc/Twilight_eating_messy_S4E15.png
Celestia preference here is indeed for cake.
[Aplauso]
I really enjoyed this story. I would love to see more from it.
10897837
Lucky for him he lives with the demonstrably least deadly of the bunch.
10897799
Well magic has to come from somewhere, and if Starlight's talk of emotions empowering spells is anything to go on then that somewhere is decidedly internal.
OK, now I got time to properly do this justice.
You do so many things right in this story it's hard not to love. I love any story that really deals with the ponies we know from the show being very capable as they've come to be on the show. So many times for the sake of a story where they need to overcome a situation, the author makes them so inept at avoiding the situation in the first place. It's even done in the show a few times. Each character handles the situation in very believable ways for their personalities. Even their reactions to the situation are perfect, as is the pacing that makes this all fit together so nice. I'm glad I decided to read them all in one go.
Also one more thing. Normalizing things like needing therapy after a traumatic situation, and in a very real way, is always a plus. No hesitation or judgment about it, just: "that was extremely traumatic and I should probably make sure I don't end up even more damaged from it by not doing something about it." "Great idea, I'll go with you." So great.
So for all that, and for livening up a boring day at work, an easy fav from me.
Very fun story. I love all the little details you put into this. Glad Rarity is self-aware and seeking counseling, because HOLY MUFFIN she is scary.
Alondro APPEARS behind Small Potatoes, "Hello there, spud. I'm curious... are you a potato INSIDE? I think it's time for SCIENCE!!"
Alondro discovers the relevant facts and documents them in scientific journals.
The pony known as Small Potatoes ceased to exist. Completely. Down to the subatomic level.
10897639
*points to Bill Gates* Because Epstein-level stuff.
Obsessed freaks CAN'T stop... unless you MAKE THEM stop.
10898007
It's not really much of a twist, considering her attacker fails to harm her just as much as the rest did their targets. It only serves to expose her as less alert, prepared, capable, or competent than everyone else - as dependent upon and an anchor around them, contributing nothing or less to their lives or to group efforts and sponging on everyone else's contributions.
To be clear, this is entirely warranted and justified by canon.
Small Potatoes when all of the assassins fuck it up
10898108
So rich their bored so they need evil things to do. But then you risk all the rich stuff. Being rich and bored is better then poor and bored and in jail. I don't know, guess I'm just not rich enough to understand.
Let's call this the Dr. Evil syndrome.
10898264 It isn't always that way, but it's much more common. Often, to become rich, you must be willing to do illicit things and backstab your friends and associates... and that requires at least a degree of sociopathy.
Then, there is the corrupting influence of far too much wealth and power. You fall under the influence of those who are already evil within the power structure. It takes an immensely powerful will to withstand it... and few have that self-control.
It can happen in anything. Those who climb to the top are often the worst, especially in systems where they are shielded from the consequences of bad actions.
The only system immune to this would be one under the control of an all-powerful benevolent dictator guided by iron-clad moral principles.
Alas, the world will have to wait for my God-Emperorship in 2032.
I'll look forward to it. Can I be a Duke?
10897972
Oh yes, precisely all of this! There's a reason I chose Rarity to be the coverpony for this fic, haha!
I think it supposed to be dramatized not drama teased. Unless that just a pinkie thing
10898110
So, the true twist here is that the assassins are actually all pretty competent..... They just went after the wrong targets with the wrong methods, based on faulty assumptions about what kind of ponies they were hunting. Remember the newspaper at the beginning: Most ponies in Equestria only really know of the Guardians, and have some misconceptions about how their powers work. The majority of the populace might not even be able to point out the Guardians in a crowd, other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. A cynical pony - and an assassin likely has to be cynical to fit their line of work - is probably going to assume that most of the stories about them are exaggerated and that the alicorn Princess with a talent for Magic is doing most of the heavy lifting.
A little observation of the Mane Six while they're just going about their daily lives isn't going to turn up much to be concerned about. The yellow pegasus with anxiety lives a little out of town and has a pet rabbit. Easy. The rumours that she's friends with the Lord of Chaos? As preposterous as the idea she used laser-vision to take out Cthulu. Except, well. Those rumours might not be outlandish as they sound... (And the laser-vision, well, the veracity of that depends on how you'd define the Stare.) Rinse and repeat.
Only Twilight Sparkle was given any credit for being a potential problem, and treated as such. It would take relatively little work on Twilight's end to swat down a murderous pegasus - if she has time to react. That's the kicker, though, if. Dirty Work's talent of Being Unnoticed was just the ticket to get him past the dragon and reformed villain housemates and close enough to renowned studyholic Twilight Sparkle, of 'only looks up from working when an inkwell moves out of place and not when her little brother asks if he can pledge himself in service of a lifedebt' distraction levels to get her with a knife before she can splat him.
Unfortunately for Mr Work, alicorn nigh-immortality was the one thing he couldn't account for.
Maybe next time, they could try with even more efficient assassins that have better info and are better prepared.
They learned from the mistakes of their predecessors, and get more info before they try again.
P.S: Did you not think of put this story in any group?
10899221
I haven't really used Fimfic for.... a LONG time and I wasn't much into using them even when I was, so that totally slipped my mind to do so lmao.
Probably a good idea though, so I'll go poke around and see if I can find some applicable ones! Thanks for the reminder!
Well this was a treat!
I initially thought Twilights chapter would be the crystal castle moving rooms around and generally fucking with him, but having him breeze through no problem and just stab her is a waaay better climax.
Also Melonie has no one to blame but herself for failing after walking up to a small family run orchard and pretending to be a cousin of someone at the farm but NOT the pony they just passed, even if it weren't THE ELEMENT OF HONESTY who has annual EXTENSIVE family reunions. That lie was as thick as the atmosphere on Mercury.
10898950
Nope, not buying it, sorry. From the story as presented, Pinkie's, Rarity's, and Rainbow's assailants would all have had as good a shot at Twilight as Dirty Work did, or better. He's not more prepared than his colleagues, she's just less capable than her friends.
Oh, was that a sequel hook? I'm pretty sure that was a sequel hook.
Would be funny if dirty deeds and Co. Got turned into the equestrian suicide squad.
I'm quite put out I never thought to write something like this myself. But I doubt it would have been anywhere near this good. So bravo! A wonderful story! And now in my favorites!
11106511
It's a mechanic in PAYDAY 2. Dodge is a mechanic where if you get shot, there's a percentage chance where you don't get hurt (Like dodging a bullet). Dodge Builds are character builds to try and max that out to where it's like you're robbing a bank as Neo from The Matrix
This story is fantastic. Very fun the whole way through!
When I loaded this chapter, you were at 372 likes, 5 dislikes. At the end, I smacked like, and the counter changed to 371 (still 5 dislikes). That means that 2 people undid their likes while I was readin'
It has that perfect mix of comedy and darkness that neither feels inappropriate. It deals with the subject matter maturely and it even feels like it could fit into the universe. The bits of Equestria we just don't see since it's a kid's cartoon. One of my favorites of all time. Amazing work.