Putting Out a Hit on Harmony

by Wanderling

Prologue: Small Potatoes Gets Dirty

Author's Note:

It's been some years since I've written anything Pony but I found this in my drafts here and decided to tidy it up. It's a fun little thing and I might as well post it.

I have the rest of the story ready to go over the next few days; there will be eight chapters in total, including prologue and epilogue. I'll just be spreading them out a little so they aren't all dumped at once. For now you get the prologue here and the first chapter!

I believe I set this some time before the Friendship School Arc.

Let me know if you catch any spelling or grammar mistakes!

Small Potatoes scowled down at the newspaper clutched in his hooves.

He was a small earth pony stallion, rather scrawny with a coat the dark black-brown of fresh soil. He had a pale yellow mane like the flesh of a potato, and grassy green eyes that were currently narrowed as they roved across the headline.

The Canterlot Star

The Guardians of Harmony Save the Day Once Again!
Unprecedented spate of victories against Evil and a slew of redemption arcs sees the Guardians quash a record number of Villains this week!

A small foal possessed by King Sombra's horn, the Ghost of Discord's Pet Eight-Legged-Capybara, and a voyeuristic tower with a giant flaming eye attached to the top of it are but a few among the threats that our fearless heroes have faced up against within the past couple of days.

Their latest escapade, covered here exclusively in the Canterlot Star by our own exceptional reporters, took place near San Franciscolt yesterday morning.

The events of the day began with a writhing, tentacled leviathan rising from the depths of the ocean and approaching the city's coast. The monster was intent on destruction and mayhem, and bellowed out great strings of unintelligible threats as it drew closer and closer. One of our reporters, Sneaky Shot, was struck with a deep existential terror by the rumbling words of the cephalopodian behemoth, and spent the rest of the day babbling incoherently.

Luckily for San Franciscolt, the creature was more drawn towards its famous bridge than to the buildings. While the bridge connecting to the city was destroyed in the struggle, nopony ended up seriously injured.

The Guardians of Harmony arrived on the scene, and had things under control in minutes. The beast was returned to whence it came after a particularly intense hit of what we suspect is a form of mind control employed by the Guardians of Kindness. Mind control, or laser vision.

We managed to locate these incredible ponies shortly after the titanic battle for an on-the-spot interview.

We asked what the Guardians' leader, Princess Twilight Sparkle, thought might have caused the attack by the eldritch abomination. Her words have been paraphrased by our reporters for simplicity's sake as a lot of the language she used is far too technical for the average reader.

"Bad book."

One of her companions seemed to have been affected by the monstrosity, and spoke in unintelligible gibberish with words and phrases such as "varm'int pap'ar ahtz'ee" and "y'ain't ev'e n'real repo'r'ters arr ya". We are all wishing her a full recovery from her terrible affliction as soon as possible.

We ask our readers now - what is next in store for Equestria's champions? Only time will tell.

Potatoes threw the newspaper down onto his desk with a disgusted snort. How in Equestria was a self-made villain like him supposed to compete with the likes of old, mad gods and creatures from other planes of existence? He glanced at his cutie mark, three greening potatoes, and sighed.
Things had been so much easier back before Princess Celestia's delinquent little sister had returned from her stint on the Moon and shaken things up. Now, Small Potatoes was competing against the likes of old gods, such as Lord Tirek and Discord. It was almost enough to make him grind his teeth.

The heroes were a problem, the Guardians of Harmony, they attracted danger. Villains of all shapes and sizes. Even now, he could feel the pull towards Ponyville, the urge to scheme. Small Potatoes didn't want to be some bit-part on the sidelines any longer. No, he wanted to be in the big leagues, to have his name up in the history books next to the likes of the Pony of Shadows and Imhorsetep.

Potatoes glanced around his lair, lips pursing, and a dozen fragments of dastardly schemes flashed through his head.

His lair was fairly modest, all things considered. Plain magnolia walls, the same colour as the ceiling. A soft beige carpet that felt wonderful on the frogs - some villains chose to make their lairs uncomfortable, but really, if you were going to be spending much time in a place you had to think of the state of your hooves. A filing cabinet to the left. A set of shelves covered in precariously-balanced stacks of paper and a few potato-themed knick-knacks to the right. His desk faced the door, and his back was to a medium-sized window.

The blinds were drawn against the daylight, however, and the illumination in the room came from a single bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. Anypony uneducated on the subject might just call it a 'kind of cramped office', but then, they were uneducated. No, he had made certain modifications.

His filing system was in reverse alphabetical order, after all! He allowed himself a self-indulgent grin. There was also his secret escape tunnel, but that was secret.

The grin faded as he looked back towards the newspaper. How on earth was he going to prove himself? It wasn't like he had any special powers - he was but an average earth pony. He had no access to any Dark Artefacts. Why, even for the legitimate side of his potato chip business it wasn't like he was the one who did everything. No, he had ponies for that.

He had... outsourced the work.

Small Potatoes felt his grin return with a vengeance, and he grabbed a blank sheet of paper, a bottle of ink and a quill.

---

Small Potatoes looked the pony in front of him up and down.

Dirty Work was a well-built, greyish green pegasus stallion, with a shortly clipped greyish green mane and tail a few shades paler than the hairs in his coat. His fetlock feathers were a little shaggy. Dirty's eyes were bright, turquoise and flickering around constantly to take in any details. His cutie-mark was a white sheet ghost. Upon one's first inspection of him, he would appear to be a perfectly average, rather forgettable sort of pony. Upon a second glance, well, those were apparently rare.

The brown stallion looked back down at the resumé.

"Your talent is being unnoticed, Mr. Work?" he asked, glancing down at the little ghost on the green stallion's rump.

"Yes, Mr. Potatoes. I'm 'like a spectre in the night', though I do work in daylight as well," said Dirty Work. He pursed his lips. "Depends on the target's routine, ya know."

"My, that is a useful talent for your line of work, Mr Work," Potatoes said, nodding faintly. "Do you have a musical license?"

"What kind of self-respecting assassin do you think I am?" The pegasus' wings fluffed up and his nostrils flared. "Of course I have a musical license."

Potatoes pursed his lips. "What clearance is it?"

Dirty Work smoothed down the feathers of his wings. "Level Four."

Sighing, Potatoes shook his head. "The Ponyville zone is Level Six, so unless you can upgrade it shortly, the only way you'll squeak a villain song through is if any of your members are foals."

"Naw. Guess that option's off the books, but we don't need a song to get the job done," said Dirty Work. He tossed his head a little. "Sometimes it's nice going right to the basics."

Potatoes nodded. "How many members of your team are there, just to double-check that I have the correct information here?"

"Six of us," Dirty said. "I reckon we'll be taking on one target each for a coordinated attack."

"Good, good," said Potatoes. "And they are all willing to participate?"

Dirty Work nodded. "We haven't had the opportunity to go for anypony this high-profile before. You've got some big potatoes, Mr Potatoes."

There was a pause. Small Potatoes raised an eyebrow. Dirty Work's face remained neutral.

"If you know what I mean, Mr Potatoes."

The other eyebrow rose to meet the first. The pegasus coughed into his fetlock and shifted in his seat.

"So, uh, payment. Obviously with targets like these we're going to want something... significant."

Small Potatoes slid a piece of paper across the desk between them. Dirty Work's ears pricked, and he looked down at the number written on it. He didn't react.

"Each," said Potatoes. "Providing that you are successful in your endeavours."

Dirty's eyes widened a little, and he glanced around the admittedly small room. "You sure you have that much? My ponies don't like to be shortchanged, and-" he leaned in over the desk, not exactly looming but close to it. "-they can get quite. Insistent. With their money, Mr Potatoes."

Potatoes squinted. At the very least, his legitimate business was thriving. "I have the money, Mr Work, do you have the skills?"

Dirty narrowed his eyes and sniffed once. "Sure do."

Small Potatoes smiled, showing teeth. "I can give you half now, and half after the deeds are done, if that would reassure you."

"That sounds agreeable," said the pegasus, reaching one hoof over the desk. "I accept your terms."

Potatoes bumped against the offered hoof with his own. "Excellent."

---

Somewhere in Ponyville, a pronking pink pony shuddered all over and felt a tingle down her spine. One ear flopped, her right foreleg went stiff, and her tail lashed from side to side.

"Ooh," she said, stopping in her tracks. "I haven't felt that one before."

Comments

[popping100]

[iAmSiNnEr]

oh no

[Savant Sentral]

10893539
Oh yes

[Magthere]

Musical levels, hmmmm it seems Lord Downey, has been expanding the guild beyond the Disc... although I'm afraid I'll have to inform Lord Vetinari about the lack of Black clothing... it's just not proper...

[Delighted Delirium]

10894082
Grey IS the new black.
This isn't the Matrix, and we're not zebras.
-Pink Ponk Punkrock

[ADrunkChangeling]

"His filing system was in reverse alphabetical order, after all!"

Well... At least twilight will think you are truly evil.

[PinkOne]

Now this seems like a interesting premise, let's see how it plays out.

[Draco Dei]

I've considered writing a less humorous take on this... I look forward to seeing how you handle it!