In life, Wallflower always questioned why Sunset stayed by her side. Now in death, she decides to get an answer.
Extreme thanks to my editor: My Little Pastafarian
Go check his work!
Reviewed by applezombi: Review
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen 50 minutes ago
The Sleepless Beholder
I just headbutt the keyboard till my ideas spill out into writing. Sometimes it works.
The Sleepless Beholder
Joined 19th Oct, 2015 ·
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This was really interesting! A nice mix of surreal and sweet, with bits of past miseries skillfully hinted at throughout. SunFlower is perfect, even beyond life 🙏
Oh also thanks for the shout-out, bless up for Pure Lesbians \o/
The writing and format was a little choppy and pace was stilted in places, but on the whole this story is really good work. The ideas and rules behind the magic that keeps Sunset and Wallie where they are get hinted at just enough to explain what isn't said, and you never fall into that common writer's trap of overexplaining yourself. The dialogue is punchy and sweet, and the storyline is well executed.
Cheers.
10457434
I'm so happy you liked it
Yes! SunFlower is a thing of beauty, and not even death can make them look less adorable together
I had to give a shot out to your story, its just that good.
10457471
I'm glad that on the whole is still good. I stil have a lot of dificulties with the language. Fortunately I've a good editor.
I wanted to tell a story where the implications in it help expand the world they are in, so I'm happy it worked. I hope to use it on future stories.
Cheers!
Nice. Interesting view of the afterlife.
10457703
Thanks! I've made various types of afterlives over my old stories. I like exploring with what one can do with the concept when some characters are able to experience it.
The dialogue taken holistically is fine, but honestly, contractions are your friend. "I'll take this one." That sort of thing. Teenagers don't use perfect english, and neither should these two. Don't be afraid if sentence fragments and improper grammar in the dialogue if it makes for better flow. But, yeah, contractions would be a good start.
10458133
Curious, I've never had this particular advice pointed out before.
I probably default to the "perfect" pronunciation because of my disconnection with the English language so I don't have that kind of thing as a reflex.
Although that explanation is starting to sound kind of like a excuse by now.
Thanks for the advice, I will try to apply it to my future work.
So how long does Wallflower need to work to earn her pass?
10458413
The sentence is: "Reap one soul for each day you spent as a living being."
So how much time she takes to earn her pass depends more on the work she puts into it.
10458419
That's a lot of souls.
Who is 'Suok?' Doesn't correspond to any mythology I know of.
10458421
Suok is a Steppe deity from where all evil originates that got eaten by a god-bull that keeps it contained.
However, I'm just using the name for this character, which is basically death's administrator, controlling all the entities and processes that involve the passing of all the living and undead.
10458429
Ah, I see
10458437
That's the response I was expecting
Don't worry, this Suok isn't evil and doesn't have any malice towards Sunset or Wally
10458442
I didn't think he did.
10458429
Interesting, I'll admit, my knowledge of Steppe mythology is a bit lacking, but thanks for the info. Could be worse, could be say, Angra Mainyu or Set they're working for
This was really good.
10462503
Thank you
10462511
Your welcome
Awww, that was sweet. Sad, but also uplifting. Very nice job.
10500010
Thank you, glad you liked it
Here's a review for you!
This is wonderful.
Staying behind for a loved one is one of the most romantic things I can think of.
Damn. I wasn't expecting this to hit me so hard. Great work on the emotional impact in this story. You did a good job at telling us just enough of what happened to both characters without explicitly spelling it out. That's a good way to handle the darker subjects, IMO.
The mythology used here is interesting. Wasn't familiar with Souk at all. Combining him with the Catholic idea of suicide being sinful, as well as the universalist idea of Hell being temporary made for a unique spiritual system.
The romance, while maybe a bit rushed at the end, was super sweet. The idea of staying behind for someone you love is really romantic, but can be made super cliche/cheesy quite easily in the wrong writer's hands. I think you did a nice job of avoiding that here. (Even if that line about the sunset made me snort a bit.) Sunset and Wallflower really do belong together, don't they? Not even death or Hell can tear them apart.
Another good SunFlower story from you!
10637357
Thank you! This story was a bit of a first in a lot of ways, both in the way of telling the story and it being a romance (something I had once convinced myself I couldn't do)
I honestly like to play with the idea of the afterlife. How exactly everyone is judged and punished and how they can earn or disean those judgments.
I truly love these two together, and they will be together no matter what.
PS: that line is propursly cheesy and I don't regret it
Howdy, hi!
Quite a while ago, you submitted this story to be reviewed by the Pens and Couches Review Group. This group has since undergone some changes and rebranding, and we finally reviewed your story! Check out your review here!
Lovely stuff. The idea of psychopomps perfoming purgatorial community service is a fascinating take on the afterlife, and the Sunflower fluff was wonderfully heartfelt. Thank you for this. I’m glad I finally got around to it.