[Be aware: this doesn't contain suicide or self-harm, but it definitely contains thoughts of it.]
“Things aren’t good. And they’re not happy. And they’re not what either of us would have chosen. But, Wallflower, they’re enough.”
Sunset had said that, and she'd meant every word.
Their relationship survived, and helped them survive, the worst times of their lives. No matter how bad things got, their love was enough.
She never imagined that all it would take to break them up was for things to get better.
This is a story about two broken people in a fundamentally flawed relationship. It's another depression thing (I seem to be cranking them out.)
When something can break through deep depression and give you normal feelings, there's a tendency to latch onto it as though it's the only available flotation, you're all alone in the middle of the ocean, and you no longer have the energy to keep you head above water. If that thing happens to be another person, it can give you a very skewed understanding of how you feel about them.
This story is about two people coming out of that. It's neither dark nor a tragedy; that should tell you something.
This story is to be my entry in Sunset Shimmer Shipping Shenanigan 3: The Final Shippening. (If I can finish it on time, that is.)
The premise came from the fact that the FAQ mentioned Anon-a-Miss again this year, and from the prompt boiling down to: "The relationship has to end". Everything else came from the idea, generously donated by someone else, that it could be a Sunflower story.
[Cover art by Scampy]
The feels are strong in this one.
Oh my god this is like my ideal story in every possible way.
A brutally realistic depiction of suicidal depression, great dialogue and internal thoughts, SunFlower, it's just perfect. I literally cannot express enough how much I adore everything what you've written here.
Omg! This is so amazing! I haven’t even been able to finish it, it’s so strong.
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Thank you for your kind words, I hope the rest of the story can live up to them.
Seeing two outcasts come together is both somber and oddly heartwarming,
Oh my fricking GOD.
This story literally feels like it was tailor-made for me. Everything about it is perfect. It pulls my heartstrings so hard they wanna snap. The depictions of depression and suicidal ideation are almost uncomfortable in how accurate they are to my real life experiences. It's everything I could ever want and so much more.
As someone constantly trying to purify the world with her Gayness™, I adore F/F stuff that's written by someone who actually gives a shit. Sunset and Wally's relationship is an actual relationship, not just blatantly forced shipping. It's imperfect and naive and trying so hard to be pure love, and I just adore how you portray their feelings so effectively. I'm only two chapters in, and I'm already calling it here: this is the best SunFlower fic on the site--and you'd better believe I've read ALL of them.
Thank you for writing this. I can't wait to see where it goes, even if it's not somewhere snuggly and joyous. Real life doesn't work that way, and if there's one thing I can tell by what I've read so far, this story is very true to real life.
Guess the only to say is, in the words of classic RPG games:
TRIXIE HAS JOINED THE PARTY!
Man, Sunset wanting the power of the demon would indicate a new low.
Thank god Wallflower is there to pull her away from that dark desire.
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I can definitely see how you'd reach that conclusion, neither of them are being particularly clear about what lines are drawn where. That said, if you're interested in details about the characters as I'm writing them, read on.
It's not really the power, that's just the preamble. It's the apathy. Not caring what other people think. Not feeling guilt or shame for what she's done in the past (or any new things she happens to do.) Not being hurt when people turn against her. Not feeling worthless or unworthy. So forth.
It's sort of her version of Wallflower's "If I destroyed everything that makes me me, things would hurt less" memory stone thinking.
And it's definitely a revenge fantasy, but so is Wallflower's desire to reach into the minds of the CHS student body and rip out everything Anon-a-Miss related. (Which is a lot less clean than her proposal from the prologue.) Each of them defaults to the tools they're familiar with, and the things they're thinking about are both horrifying in their own ways. The thing about fantasies, though, is that wanting them isn't the same as considering them viable options. Unlike actions, fantasies don't hurt anyone.
(Actions based on fantasies, on the other hand, will muddle everything.)
The Sunset here feels the desire to lash out, and do so in a way that simultaneously gets rid of all of her current pain and prevents her from feeling bad about what lashing out actually entails. With or without Wallflower, she isn't in danger of giving in to that desire.
She's in danger of jumping off the roof. Both in general and as something that she would see as a solution to the problem of "I think I actually might become a demon again," should it ever come up. (Right now, most of her "solutions" reside inside a very small, very unhealthy box.)
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If it was any other person, I would dismiss Sunset's musings as just a revenge fantasy.
However, not to long ago, Sunset was living out that fantasy. She became a vicious, controlling, and mean-spirted bully and later plotted to take control of Equestria, all because Celestia didn't give her power.
Even after getting a shot of Vitamin Rainbow, she still has instances of anger and frustration.
So yeah, her backsliding into villainy is a strong possibility.
And I have just realized that this is the second time in three installments that I've had a scene which amounts to:
You should still add the suicide/self-harm tag for that, even if it is just thoughts of it. Please respond to this comment.
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Is that general practice, or are you saying that because of the content of this specific story?
The reason I'm asking is because the tag description says that the tag is for stories that feature characters engaging in one or both. (Unlike "Death" which is supposed to be used in stories where death is a major theme even if no one dies.)
I've been trying to figure out for a while now whether I should ignore what description says and use it for stories that don't depict either but do have characters thinking or talking about them, or whether I should follow the description and reserve the tag for stories that feature (implicit or explicit) self-harm and/or suicide.
I can see the reasoning for both ways of doing things.
My depression has never been actively suicidal, and I've never engaged in self harm (unless you count not eating, drinking, and sleeping, but most people don't.) As such, I'm kind of out of my depth when it comes to how to deal with this. I definitely don't want to set anyone off, but I also know that sometimes you need stories that go take you to the edge of dark places and then show you that it's possible not to succumb. (Which goes back to: I understand the reasoning for both ways.)
So, basically, I would very much appreciate some insight on how you're making that call.
Looks like I've spent at least
half an hour47 minutes50 minutes writing and rewriting this message, so I'm just going to declare it passable (for real this time) and post it, lest I stay in the revision loop forever.9833077
Which is good, imho. Those thoughts are at the forefront of their minds all day, every day, and they don't go away just because they've been voiced. The repetition adds to the realism.
This scared the hell out of me... For a moment I forgot the story description and the following paragraph in my periphery, and thought Wallflower was asking Sunset to jump from the roof with her, ending their lives "together." It really shows how brutally accurate this depiction of suicidal depression is that I could make that interpretation at all.
I have internet again!
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Yeah, that actually comes straight from my own experience (even though I've never been actively suicidal.)
Until she's physically in the hug (and getting nuzzled), emotionally it's all the same to Sunset. The fact that she knows it's a good thing --something she loves, which will make her feel better-- doesn't change how she feels. There's absolutely no emotional anticipation, so when Wallflower offers up her arm, it might as well be an invitation to jump as far as Sunset's emotions are concerned.
[Added:] And, since that's a Sunset section, her perception is the lens we're viewing it through. [/added]
On this topic, I'd like a second opinion (especially since Starlight Nova hasn't followed up yet), do you think I should be using the "Suicide / Self-Harm" warning tag for this story?
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Absolutely. Even if no one actually takes their own life or self-harms, the tag should be included just for the prevalence of those themes. Some people may be triggered by those topics and want to avoid them, and some weirdos may be actively looking for those same topics.
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You're definitely not the only one. For me, searching for self-harm stories that aren't tragedies has been known to get me the kind of thing I need in bad times. It's not precisely what I'd want, ideally I'd like to be able to search for stories featuring characters with severe depression for whom things ultimately work out, but the site isn't set up for that kind of search.
I actually said it well once, so I'll just grab that:
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That's a really healthy way of looking at it! Also, considering that preference, don't read my stories. Maybe the gay one if cutesy lesbian snuggles are your jam, but none of the others. Best Left Forgotten has its moments and is headed in that direction, but it's a harsh read for entirely different reasons.
I'm sure you've read a few of these, but I have some recommendations for stories about recovery from depression. I'll rank them by my preference, but they're all fantastic.
1 - It's Not Fine
In my opinion, this is the best Sunset story on the site. It's heartbreaking and wonderfully written, and I've never read anything else like it. The ending is as perfect as perfect can be. I can't recommend it highly enough.
2 - Time
This isn't quite a depression story, but it's very much about recovering from horribly negative emotions. I'd liken it to recovery from borderline personality disorder, but I'm also super biased on that front. All in all, great story with an uplifting message.
3 - It Takes a While
This one... This one has a lot to unpack. Its depiction of depression and the highs and lows throughout recovery are painfully true to life. The shipping is a little out there, and the last few chapters feel like a different story, but the rest of the content more than makes up for it. I left a lengthy comment giving my detailed thoughts on the whole thing, but be wary of spoilers obviously. The story isn't perfect by any means, but is still very worth reading.
4 - Bullets
This story hurts. It hurts in a way very few stories can. It's permeated with a sense of dread and hopelessness that left me so, so scared to read on, but I'm glad that I did. Out of all the fics I've listed, this is probably the most extreme example of a story where life can change if we just allow ourselves to believe it.
5 - The First Step
This is probably the most basic take on the premise of recovering from depression. It's tame compared to most of the others on this list, but still very good. Short and sweet and hopeful.
I hope you check these out if you haven't already. They're each unique in their own ways while holding true to the idea that things can get better, even when it feels impossible.
This passage really stings. It's one of those things that I've experienced before, and those times always existed in my memories with this nebulous sense of wrongness, but I never really knew how to describe it. It's like being in a pitch-black room for so long that leaving feels like a bad thing because all the lights are too bright and hurt my eyes. Things being so bad, that bad becomes good and good becomes bad.
I dunno why it stuck out to me so much, but it did. I knew from the description that this was the crux of the story, but to see it written out like that just... really, really hurts. It hurts in that way that only a really good, painful story can hurt.
You are revising the story? i take ti not going to be a break up story?
Or something else? I do hope you make the ending for the Anon A Miss hardcore in a way I mean no she forgives everyone ina split second, more like she furious but in time she will forgive them but they must earn it back.
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Very short version:
Yes. No, that isn't changing.
Longer version:
So, I was writing for this contest because deadlines can break through my depression and let me write. Even though it was already half over when I got the idea and I spent most of the time since then pretty well incapable of creative pursuits like writing due to a combination of medication problems (my pharmacy went out of business, my insurance was being weird, so forth) and not eating, drinking, or sleeping enough, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten it finished if not for the fact that my sister needed help with her kids right at the end.
All of a sudden I went from having more than enough time to finish to having less than five hours. I couldn't pull that off. So I missed the deadline.
That means several things are true right now. One is that I have to try very fucking hard to hold onto the momentum from the contest, otherwise I might not be able to finish this any time in the near future. (It could get just as stuck as the rest of my stories.) Another is that I actually have time for editing, which (for this chapter and the two before it) I didn't. A third is that I'm not constrained by a maximum word count.
And, you know, this chapter kind of sucks. That's what happens when you write as fast as you can while half asleep. (Also when you put together bits you wrote before without doing the work necessary to make them fit.) I think that the two chapters before this just need to be polished and maybe tweaked. Pretty sure this one needs a major overhaul.
So, yeah, this story is going to be revised. It's not going to change into a completely different story, though. It's still a story about two people coming out of a bad places and finding that their relationship doesn't actually work when their lives have other good things in their lives.
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I've actually read one of your stories. I didn't pay attention to who the author was at the time, and I still don't know why I read it, given that it was clearly labeled as being not my kind of thing. Still, The Time We have Left is well written and really powerful. Powerful enough that I had to skip to Wallflower waking up in the hospital. What came before was too much for me.
Given the tags on Best Left Forgotten . . . yeah, steering clear of that. Sexual assault is not my thing.
I've read It's Not Fine, though I'd completely forgotten about it until I saw the cover art.
I've definitely read It takes a while. I followed it as it was written.
A lot of stories (especially Anon-a-Miss ones) have a habit of going sideways. If you're reading something and enjoying it, you necessarily are liking what's in the beginning, then later stuff comes out of left field and it's just . . . I don't know how to say it exactly. It would be better if people could front-load those sorts of things so you knew what you were in for instead of expecting, and enjoying, one thing and then having something else take over.
Which isn't to say I don't like that story, because I do, but I totally see where you're coming from. (Also: even the author agrees that Twilight was over the top there, so . . . yeah.)
I'm worried that I'm going to do that exact thing to readers with Fractured Friendship because what have planned for Silver Spoon is a huge part of why I even decided to go from "I had an idea" to "I'm actually writing a story" but I'm pretty sure no one's going to see it coming and a lot of people are going to wish I'd just drop everything related to her and focus on other things.
The desire to avoid that as much as possible, without actually giving up on the story I want to tell, helped to shape the story. Basically, when everything was a fuzzy concept, I saw it being a middle of the story sort of thing, but now the plan has that whole side of things starting pretty much as soon as it can (which happens to be chapter 3) so readers will have early warning of what they're getting into.
So, that tangent over, I've also read The First Step, and I agree that it's good.
The other two I'll look into. Thanks for the recommendations.
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Aw butts, that's a nice compliment... and also kinda disappointing. The attempt scene at the start is brutal and painful and drags on for 2,000 words because it's supposed to feel horribly discomforting. The really valuable stuff in the story, though, is contained in Wally and Sunset's conversation in the second half. Still, I understand completely if you wouldn't want to continue through to the end. That story is gratuitously sad.
Best Left Forgotten is a very important story to me, and in my view is the best story I've written (or I should say, am still writing). It also serves as a necessary counterbalance to all the creepy disgusting non-con porn fics written by sick freaks with no regard for how horrifying and life-shattering such a thing really is. I doubt any of those kinds of people will ever read it, but I guess I just needed it to be out there anyway. As with a lot of my stuff, it's as true to life as I'm capable of making it, and as such I totally understand not wanting to read it. If it weren't my own story, I'd never read such a thing either.
I'll have to check out Fractured Friendship. I've got it RiL'd, but that doesn't mean I won't get to it for months or something. My list is actually pretty small, and I read stuff in the order I want, not the order added.
Anon-a-miss stories are tricky to get right. I've got my own, Last Light and its sequel, Passed On, but they're hardly perfect stories. What I tried to keep in mind with them, though, is something you're doing very well with No Longer Necessary. They're stories with a unique theme first, and an Anon-a-miss story second. The drama of the whole cyberbullying stuff takes a backseat to a realistic look into the lowest points of Sunset's suicidal thinking and depression, and how it impacts those who care about her. I promise I'm not trying to plug my own stuff here, just using them as an example cuz obviously they're the stories I know best.
There's nothing wrong with exploring the drama of the Anon-a-miss stuff, especially if you're taking it in a different direction with the girls being split on who's the culprit--and, in my opinion, it's important that the story has something to say beyond its plot. You're doing that wonderfully in this fic, so I have no doubt you'll do so again in your other stories.
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First off thanks. For both parts of that sentence. (And the rest of your comment.)
The hard part for me right now isn't so much writing well as it is writing. Basically the only reason I was writing this story for the Sunset Shimmer Shipping contest was that I knew I could use the impending deadline to actually produce words, which I haven't really been doing much of elsewhere.
That's not say that I'd be satisfied if I'd produced utter dreck, just that quality doesn't really matter when the thing in question doesn't exist.
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I am now going to go on an out of nowhere tangent about the general (though not complete) lack of self harm (suicide included) in my stories. I . . . don't remember why I did this, but I put some thought and effort into it, so I'm leaving it in.
The only other story of mine that involves stuff about self-harm or (what most people mean by) suicide is the one that's a remake of someone else's work. From the Ashes has Sunset deciding to commit suicide in the prologue, which is currently the only part that exists, with the story being about what happens afterward. Mostly that means Sunset's recovery.
What's keeping me stalled (you'd think a remake would be very easy to write) is that it also involves those around her, and it involves them in ways not covered in the original story. The next installment (Which I'm not sure how to label since it's sort of like a second prologue or a chapter zero, but could also be considered a legitimate chapter one) is entirely that side of things, so the original story offers me no guidance whatsoever.
All of that having been said, Indifference is entirely about being passively suicidal.
The rest of my stories tend to deal with depression without thoughts of self-harm.
In Fractured Friendship, for example, that manifests as Sunset being unstable (not a euphemism; just her emotions aren't stable) but self harm never even occurs to her. She's in that place where one can be functional, and feel fine, but there's no foundation so at any moment they could slip into utter despondency. In other stories it goes in other ways. I haven't gotten a chance to really show that instability yet in Fractured Friendship, because (like the rest of my stories) I stalled.
Yeah. That's sort of disappointing given what fertile ground it is. It's basically the only
-- "This has the potential to change everything."
-- "Everything?"
-- "Everything."
event in Equestria Girls that isn't magical. It's also the one that doesn't have an expiration date.
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So turns out I'm really bad at reading comprehension.
And then I was trying to be all understanding about "oh yeah if you read the first half its really brutal so i get not wanting to continue" and that entire sentiment is silly cuz that's not what you were talking about at all. Big oof. OOF.
I read the prologue of From the Ashes, and I gotta say, I would love that fic to continue. It's really gripping, and seeing what you've done with No Longer Necessary leaves me very interested in your take on a story about recovery from attempted suicide. My only advice would be not to fall into the same trap that a lot of similar stories do, which is to treat suicide as nothing more than a Big Sad™️. You've portrayed suicidal depression very well in this fic, and the prologue is certainly better than the avalanche of god-awful SadSunny fics I've read, so I do hope you continue it soon.
Re-reading this, and one paragraph caught my eye.
I feel personally attacked wow
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I . . . legitimately have no idea what you're saying. None at all. I don't know if this is me being slow on the uptake, or you being difficult to understand, or some combination of the two, but I'm definitely lost.
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Also, unrelated, but I figure you'd want to know, the reason I haven't gotten back to this is, basically, that my medication problems were not quite so over as I had believed. Even if I wanted to, which I don't, this isn't a story I could half-ass.
It needs the full donkey.I need to be fully there to do it justice.It is my hope that tomorrow I will be back on every fucking med for the long haul. I refuse to risk jinxing it by saying anything about reality, so I shall not be speaking of anything other than hope.
If anyone would like an example of a story I could half-ass, take a gander over here.
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Sorry! I was trying to say it's so relatable that it almost feels like a personal attack on me (which I meant in a facetious way of course).
No worries on taking your time! I've got three in-progress fics, I know how it can be. Take care of yourself first and foremost--and of course your happiness with the story is more important than anyone's. Show that donkey who's boss. Don't take no for an answer.
That fic looks delightfully unique. I'll definitely check it out.
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Ok, apparently I had some idea, because I did consider that you might be saying that. Thank you for clarifying.
That's one way to put it. Unfortunately it's also unbalanced. The beginning needs more words, the end needs fewer. if I can, at some unspecified future point when I have a bit of distance and some time on my hands, I need to do a major revision of it.
I'm trying to. Talked to my therapist and psychiatrist today, brought up the fact that their diagnostic questions for suicide (all save one) miss the fact that I'm camped out right at the edge of passively suicidal. It really is just like Indifference for me. I don't want to die, and self-harm doesn't compute for me, but that's not the same as wanting to live. Sometimes I do,
sometimesmost times I don't.My plan for the immediate future involves getting a couple of giant high quality pizzas. Good food and sufficient calories can work wonders.
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Today must be two weeks since the Holy thing, because tomorrow is two weeks since the closest I've ever been to suicide. An online friend said goodbye pretty much exactly the way I would if I ever made an attempt. She survived whatever she attempted, but for seven hours I was trying to hope she was alive while dreading the possibility that she'd been gone since before I woke up that morning.
The previous paragraph isn't actually connected to anything, but it seems like I need to say it, and I think you'd understand better than most. (The fact that I'm not actually sure precisely what I'm expecting you to understand doesn't lessen that.)
So this right here is some high-quality good shit. Not only is it SunFlower, but it's SunFlower exploring both the codependent qualities of these characters. As per usual, you come in swinging with your extremely realistic and quality depictions of depression, and all its intimate details. Your prose is strong, and all these qualities still managed to sink in even when I read it with a heavy sleep medicine haze at 2 AM. I would absolutely love to see this finished, especially with how well it subverts the usual Anon-A-Miss issues. We have caring faculty and realistic high-schoolers instead of poorly-written and melodramatic suicidal-homicidal flanderizations of gods-knows-what masquerading as Equestria Girls characters.
You should capitalize that 'L' in the title though. That's pretty much the only thing that bugged me.
I emphatically hope that you can return to revise and complete this story. Its promise as a narrative about moving out of depression into something better -- and the associated costs in doing so -- is rare and fascinating; the quality of the earlier chapters, as others have noted, is excellent.
I saw that it said incomplete when I clicked in this and I am pissed off. Also, no profanity tag even though it’s a small bit, but add the tag and some more swearing.
Where’s my shit? Oh, right. I lost it when I realized THIS STORY HASN’T BEEN UPDATED.