• Member Since 14th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 18 minutes ago

MrNumbers


An Australian Amateur Author, Alliteration Aficionado

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Pinkie Pie preemptively apologizes to Twilight: she's going to ruin their friendship.

Twilight agrees.

Pinkie suits her better as a girlfriend anyway.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 92 )

Fixed an import error. That bit of tiny text was meant to be size:0.7 and imported as size:73. Ha!

You are only late by two hours. Pretty good.

7949235 You assume you're in the same timezone:derpytongue2:

Also, where's my editing credit you git.

Nice I always enjoy a good Twinkie. They do make for a good couple when you get to write how their personalities play out. They are opposites in many ways but I do feel that they are in the right way and so it works.

Love the story. I like this portrayal of all the characters, and you make the pairing really work.
But you did too well describing the banana split, now I'm hungry! I'll have to wait until tomorrow to satisfy my craving, as I'm fresh out of vanilla ice cream and bananas.

In the cover art, am I the only one that thinks the blushes looked like heavy bags under there eyes or like they're deathly ill?

I umm... I, words? Are there words for this feeling of oneness with the universe, with my own emotions? There's this feeling I get, whenever I finish a good story or movie or book, of breathlessness. It's the feeling of living another life, of walking in the characters' or world's shoes, of living an entire life in a moment, and that's what I got out of this story, a satisfying sense of absolute breathlessness. Thank you.

This was delightfully sweet, but it made me think: Ponyville, and Equestria in general, would be doomed if those two got their neuroses to feed off each other rather than cancel out.

What went through my mind during the snowball fight in two words.

Beautifully done, monsieur.

Well that was a cute story, TwiPie is starting to grow on me.

The question of which question to question first.

I'm questioning this questionable sentence.

Twilight had had her breakfast, which was unimportant, and two cups of coffee, which was critically important.

Breakfast is critically important - without it, the coffee tends to cause upset stomach.

It’s a true, scientific fact that how people behave, how they think, can be modified by what they’re holding.

[Citation needed]

as if it were a beer stein now. It remained just a mug of tea though.

Seems like Pinkie could use a stein-sized cup of tea though.

that’s just silly.”
“It wouldn’t hurt that much...”

There's not the same line spacing between these paragraphs as all the rest.

I don’t know yet. I haven’t tested it.

What's the control group for this experiment?

...

That other Twilight also didn’t have to make a contingency plan

Don't think you meant to put a line break here.

Instead it was time to go bang her head against the wall

That poor wall.

She had a break for a light lunch and some panicking

It's usually hard to eat when you're too stressed, unless you're a stress eater.

The answer was obvious; A very dear friend

no capital letter after a semicolon.

what she did was do absolutely everything in her power to make everything go right, and then deal with failure if that didn’t work.

This doesn't seem like the healthiest attitude towards a rather unknown relationship. Seems like a route to heartache on her side.

This was a Canterlot murder mystery, the kind where everyone jokes that the butler did it, except the butler never did it because everyone knows it was the butler, except sometimes it really was the butler just to psych you out.

I've read some of those.

“You don’t like, like-like Pinkie, though, do you?”

She does, she just doesn't know it yet.

She came to a very uncomfortable conclusion; Spike was capable of subterfuge.

How does Twi not know this yet?

It’d be stupid to lie to her, and Applejack knows I’m not stupid.

That is debateable.

“Was that a jab at—-”

Double dash marks or something? Looks odd.

Was this how she’d raised him? As an evil genius?

I support this.

Wait was Spike lying about the drinking thing or did he actually know from trial and error...

Is this sentence supposed to be punctuation free to emphasize her rushed thoughts?

wielding it like a weapon with which she’d crush the heinous ice.

What did that ice ever do to you?

“Let me answer your question with another question. I’m allowed to do that right?”

“Like that one?”

When did we start playing Questions? Is Colin Mochrie involved?

“I wish I could do that.” Twilight admitted.

Comma, not a period, after "that"

It’s a good look for you, too”

Missing a period.

it solidified the place in her mind as Pinkie’s diner.

I feel like, from the description, they walked into the diner from Life Is Strange.

Was it possible for a voice to sound like it had too much body hair?

This gives some really disturbing mental images.

out came a jingling keyring, which he tossed to Pinkie, who caught it without a thought.

Why is he giving Pinkie the keys?

“I didn’t really work all that hard for tonight.” She explained. “I know it’s just a first date.” She pleaded.

For both sentences, comma inside the quote marks and uncapitalize She. And again, two paragraphs later.

The best one would have been to not have made that joke

Quick - go back in time and stop yourself from making the joke!

what if instead of a date, this were a monster right now?

Hmm ... monsters spawn in randomly whenever ponies go on dates ... this has the potential to be a hilarious comedy fic.

no matter where you were in the world, the words originated east of that place, somehow.

Their home country sounds very confused.

“Wow, you should do that in like, your prettiest Princess dress, and a crown, and everything, and just go nuts at it. I would pay good money to see that.”

Invite Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. Cadence will make it through a third and stop, Luna and Celestia will start throwing their hay fries at each other, and Rarity will be debating which method of suicide to use to wipe the memory of it happening.

And the food arrived, and that would have haunted Rarity’s dreams and nightmares both.

Now picturing Rarity as Calvin, and the food as any of the school lunch monsters.

well, in literature, you’d call it a ‘face’, the pony who deals with the social side of the investigation.

So that makes Dash the Mr. T?

I think you mixed Applejack and Rainbow’s elements around.” PInkie admitted thoughtfully.

Commia inside the quotes, and you double-capitalized Pinkie.

Spike’s great, but he’s more of a ‘snark’ than a ‘face’.

Spike would probably get along with the bard from Bard's Tale.

Twilight threw back her head and cackled maniacally, something she’d gotten good at after years of mostly-sarcastic practice ‘in case she ever turned evil’.

"In case." Uh-huh.

and all I had to do was solve for pony.

You can't take three from two, two is less than three, so you look at the four in the 64th place ...

that’s when Twilight gave Pinkie the same smile right back, with accumulated interest

That's not much. I mean, even with crazy financial shenanigans, how much interest can you really earn in less than 60 seconds?

I think a relationship isn’t just like it is in books

:pinkiegasp:

“Can’t remember. Brain too busy processing input from mouth.”

I can see them reusing this line later. :raritywink:

“Mmm”

Punctuation.

But one of us is a Princess who lives in a magical crystal castle.

Wait, Cadence is here too? Is that why Buttery Biscuits keeps running into the kitchen, shouting about burned food?

she swore she caught Mr Biscuit swooning after them

*Mr.

Oh, she did not expect Pinkie to dodge.

After you were just discussing Pinkie Sense at dinner?

“I do have a whole bottle of cider you could help me with...”

The next chapter has been rated Mature.

This has been a delightful read. It didn't even feel like 10k words it was.

Thank you.

7950538

It’s a true, scientific fact that how people behave, how they think, can be modified by what they’re holding.

[Citation needed]

Citation provided

Why is he giving Pinkie the keys?

Because there was originally another scene here which ended up being rewritten entirely. Good spot, cheers.

Their home country sounds very confused.

They're from the old country. Which old country? Yes.

You can't take three from two, two is less than three, so you look at the four in the 64th place ...

Well, you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer.

The next chapter has been rated Mature.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't seriously considering it.

Thanks for the kind words, man. Gold star comment, and I think I made most of the fixes...

7950591

Citation provided

I was being a smart-ass, and you called my bluff. Bravo, good sir. Bravo.

Because there was originally another scene here which ended up being rewritten entirely.

Ah! I was wondering. Because Pinkie having access to her favorite diner isn't exactly a stretch.

They're from the old country.

Is their national anthem the one that starts "Ia Ia Cthulhu Ftaghn?"

I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't seriously considering it.

Nothing brings in the bitsviews like clopfics.

Beautiful work. A lovely blend of humor and thoughtfulness, perfect for the couple. This may not be my first ship of choice for either character, but I do like it, and you made it work to an astonishing degree, especially the strength of their respective voices. Thank you for it. I just hope they don't end up conquering the world.

Actually, I think I'd be okay with that.

I'm glad you changed the long description. The original one was terrible.

7951149

Ferret made me do it.

7951179

[REDACTED]

Bad on Ferret; good on Aragon.

7951149

And I wrote the new one, to boot.

Aside from, y'know, actually writing the story? MrNumbers hasn't really done a lot for this fic. Without us he'd be as lost as a puppy, I swear to god.

EDIT: I SNIPED HIM. HAH.

7951191

Actually, Aragon made me change it. I mean the first one was terrible because Ferret made me post this while I was very sleep deprived, and I couldn't think of anything good.

EDIT: HE SNIPED ME THE BASTARD

I have ALWAYS said that AJ and RD got their elements mixed up.

Also, the lounge about RD teenager was comedy gold.

Hooray for second best ship!

loved it!! and it was full on shenanigans lol perfect. :pinkiehappy:

That was an excellent Twinkie. Hostess will surely be in touch about infringement.

I didn't know Hobo Code was a thing until I read this.

Oh dear.

Oh wow, that kiss at the end. Perfect. Snow-melty.

Okay, I just got to reading this now and I'm sorry it took me so long.

Because holy hell this is the cutest goddamn thing I've read in a long time. You absolutely nailed everything I love about the characters, and the way you write Pinkie is spot on.

Just, everything about this, fucking yes.

Ugh, good story man, but I need a shot of insulin now. . .stat.

I seriously want to see a continuation of this, where we see how there lives change after this story.

I really liked this. Solid characters, great dialogue, interesting narrative voice.

It was a small town diner, which meant it felt big and cramped at the same time. There was plenty of space to move around, but not many places to go.

I may be stealing this line of thought.

“Oh hey,” Pinkie giggled, “Look, it matches mine. Oh! And you know what else?”

“What’s that?”

“We both get drunk when we’re full of hard cider, ha ha.” Pinkie giggled again.

Both get drunk when—

I don't get it?

Twipie, or whatever the fandom designation is for it, is the ship most difficult for me to imagine. And you sold it. Completely.

Great job on a fun, heartwarming, and fun story!

Okay, loved the story (Pinkie channeling Douglas Adams was a particular highpoint) but there is one phrase that bugged me.

Spike managed to catch her with the stool this time, though, because she’d forgotten to pick it back up first again.

...first again.

That phrasing seems off to me. I get what you're saying with it, but even knowing that, it looks like it should say "Pick it back up again first." Even though a) that's not what you're saying and b) "back" and "again" would be redundant in such a statement, "up again first" feels common enough for it to look like a mistake. Plus, putting two adverbs back to back after the verb phrase feels weird.

Personally I'd suggest separating the "first" and "again" aspects to make immediately clear what you're doing - something like

Spike managed to catch her with the stool this time, though, because she’d forgotten to pick it back up first. Again.

But that's just me. Sorry about the nitpick (and a poorly explained one at that), just stuck out a little to me.

7952088 When a bottle of hard cider is full, it is "drunk" in order to empty it. When a PONY is full of hard cider, they get inebriated, or "drunk."
Thus is one of the more subtle puns I have ever heard.

7952430 OH
Okay yeah I was just stupid.

7952435 I don't think it was stupidity. I seriously had to sit there and stare at it for, like, a minute and a half before I got it. Or maybe we were both just stupid... but I also doubt it because it took Twilight more than 2 seconds. And she's a genius.

7952088 Don't worry man, I feel stupid too. Can someone explain this joke to us?

7952088

ponies drink the bottle when it's full, and pinkie is drunk if she drinks all the cider

Omg, I never knew I wanted this ship until now. Best pony + Twidorable-ness = heart-stopping cuteness. This is another story that feels perfectly and fully satisfying as is, but at the same time makes me want more because it's such a delight to read.

I really like how you write Pinkie in this.
Well I like how you write them both. But Pinkie especially reads honest to the show, but with a little more real emotion and honesty.

Pacing was great, just enough details to build a great picture in my mind, and some wonderful slow downs for certain emphasis. Such as Pinkie's head turn, or Twilight's second 'Guh'. And snarky Spike is best Spike.

So thanks for writing this. I've got a soft spot for TwiPie and it's certainly one for a good read sometime later for a happy pick-me up,

Oh! It's a Mr.Numbers story.
No wonder I liked it. You're one of my favourite Romance\SliceOLife writers here :D

Oh man. It's been forever since I've read a good TwInkie sorry.

And that was a phenomenal TwInkie story! :pinkiehappy:

When these two are shipped just right, the appeal is undeniable... and this perfectly nails that sweet spot! A delightful read!

“I surrender!” Twilight declared, throwing her hooves up. Well, it looked more like she was making a snowpony actually, but the intent was the same.

I'm guessing that this use of "snowpony" meant "snow angel"? I originally thought "snowman" which made for a confusing mental image.


7952088 7952466

Twilight brought up the bottle, which she’d tied a little ribbon bow to, wielding it like a weapon with which she’d crush the heinous ice. “I got you something.”
“Oh hey,” Pinkie giggled, “Look, it matches mine. Oh! And you know what else?”
“What’s that?”
“We both get drunk when we’re full of hard cider, ha ha.” Pinkie giggled again.
Both get drunk when—

I got thrown a bit as well, not instantly picking up what was meant by "it matches mine"... at first I thought she had brought a bottle of cider as a gift as well (since they both consulted Rarity for ideas), which left me thinking that "both" referred to her and Twilight, and not her and the bottle. Looking back, I'm assuming that it actually meant that the ribbon on the bottle matched Pinkie's bow tie. Obvious in hindsight, but I had skipped over "bow" and just read "ribbon".

7953463

Right. Because snowmen are also a thing... I actually legitimately forgot about that.

I just couldn't think of anything analogous to angel, admittedly. I should seriously think of a good alternative... #HorseProblems

There are several instances of 'person' and Pinkie even says 'man'. Is this a laid back story thing and I'm overthinking it or just slip of the written word?

Otherwise, a very nice little story. Very cute, well done, and flows great. Good job!

7953794

Personal preference: Unless it specifically calls out humans as a concept, something like person can just mean a sapient and 'man' just feels like a solid exclamation.

While I'm writing about ponies, it always helps to remember I'm writing for a human audience, and clarity of language means a lot to me.

7953849 Meh, most definitions say 'person' relates to 'humans' but you're right, it's more of a personal preference, especially as it's a fanfiction. Heck, even the show has said 'man' and 'hands'. I'm just used to my own style which keeps as pony as possible (even changing mannequin to ponnequin :derpytongue2:), and so when I come across these sorts that sometimes use 'person' I'm never sure which reason it is.

Aside from those moments where I was taken out of the story by terminology, it's was good anyways. Thanks for explaining. And renewing why I like Twipie as a pairing. :twilightsmile:

7953610 Maybe just "Snow Pegasus"? ... Not a big change from "snow pony" but it emphasizes wings more.

7953996

Yeah, that's actually a really solid suggestion. Change'd. Also, obligatory "I still can't get over one of my favourite artists reads my stories", since I managed to hold it back last time. Couldn't make it twice. Darn shame, I was doing so well.

That was great fluff. Loved the stuff with Spike, too.
Funnily the last few paragraphs sounded like something SF Debris would write. Or that may be because I just binge watched quite a few of his videos.

Anyway. I'm happy to see another well written TwiPie/PinkLight story since it's one of my Twilight OTPs. I'm only sad it's a one-shot. I love me my multi-chaps.

7954172 hey, the feeling is likewise... I'm always happy when an author who writes such great stuff knows my art!

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