Ever Billowing
Luna's return was a joyous event, but it did come with its share of difficulties old and new. Celestia had prepared the country for a sudden transition to diarchy as best she could, but there were still some aspects she'd overlooked. The simple logistics of shared meals, for one. Even the matter of what to call the meal when one sister had breakfast while the other had dinner was a matter of some debate among the castle staff, though not as much as in other worldlines. As far as the sisters themselves were concerned, it was time with one another, which was all the identity the occasions needed.
One sunrise some months after that fateful Summer Sun Celebration, Luna looked up from her salad and said, "Sister, we must speak."
"Of course!" cried Celestia, her pancakes forgotten. "Is everything alright? Can I do anything for you? Do you feel anything..." She trailed off, looking away.
"I assure you, I remain as sane as I ever was." Luna gave a small grin. "Small comfort, I know, but my point is that the issue is not mine. I speak on behalf of Captain Fantasia, who came to me during my Night Court."
An image of the mare came to Celestia's mind, the usual subdued palette of one of the bat-winged chiroptera, decorated with more than a few psychosomatic scars picked up from long years of keeping ponies' dreams safe from horrors the Sun couldn't reach. "Does she resent your reinstatement as head of the Dreamguard?"
Luna shook her head. "If anything, she is pleased to no longer be the last link in the chain of command. She made frequent use of the word 'numbskulls' during our audience, and that was when she was at her most polite. Neigh, she spoke not as captain of the Dreamguard, but as the foremost chiropteron in Equestria. And she spoke of you."
"Me? Have I offended the chiroptera somehow?" Celestia's thoughts raced as she considered the possibility. "I've always tried to give them their space. Should I have been more inclusive? Made more of an effort to include them in the social fabric of Equestria?"
Luna raised a hoof. "Peace, Sister. You have not offended them. It is they who believe they have offended you."
"What?" Celestia's mouth hung open for a moment before she said, "How?"
"According to Captain Fantasia, the little courtesies you pay our ponies are clipped short with the chiroptera when not missing altogether. You show signs of stress around them, always eager to leave the room, or to enter one when encountering them out of doors."
"I... I hadn't realized."
Luna smirked. "Hadn't realized your tells were showing, you mean." The smirk softened to a smile. "Do not worry, my sister. They only gleaned the trend after generations of observation, and they are very good at watching unnoticed. For many a year, they believed they reminded you of me, that being around them was painfully close to our reunion. But then I returned, and you still show the same signs of unease. So, on their behalf, I must ask, what about them discomforts you so?"
Something nagged at Celestia’s thoughts. She soon put her hoof on it. "It isn’t like Fantasia to be so indirect. Why didn't she see me personally?"
"According to her, she wanted a straight answer."
Celestia found herself stunned again. "What?"
"You must admit, Sister, you do have a tendency to be infuriatingly vague. It is well and good to teach your students how to teach themselves, but many ponies tire of you gently nudging them in a given direction rather than simply telling them what you want." Luna leaned on the table, resting her head on her crossed forelegs. "So, is it the eyes, slitted like mine in my madness? The inequine fangs? The dream magic you never could master?"
Celestia felt her wings twitch a bit in her anxiety. "Why does the sun shine, Luna?"
Luna rolled her eyes. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Tia. Fantasia will not be satisfied with some blithe parable."
"I promise I'm going somewhere with this."
"I will hold you to that, Sister." A fork danced in Luna's magical grasp as she thought. "As I recall from Star Swirl's lesson on the matter, the sun shines through that most potent and dangerous of alchemies, fusion. The sun transmutes the smallest of the atomies into the next largest, releasing tremendous heat and light in the process."
Celestia nodded. "And do you remember what he did next?"
"Aye." Luna smiled, her gaze turning distant. "To lighten the mood after kindling a short-lived star before a pair of wide-eyed fillies, he breathed in the byproducts, making him speak in a most amusing falsetto for a time."
"Well, a link to the sun carries some... side effects."
Luna shrugged her wings. "The same can be said of the moon. You have always been a bit warmer than most ponies and I cooler, in every sense of the words."
"True, but not what I meant in this case. You see, I... also produce helium as a byproduct."
"Truly? Your voice sounds no different now than it ever has."
Celestia squirmed, her gaze firmly on her neglected pancakes. She all but whispered, "Not from that end."
Silence usurped the diarchs and reigned for a long stretch of time. Finally, Luna reclaimed the throne by saying, "Do you mean to tell me that you shy away from the chiroptera solely because they are the only ones who can hear you sound your personal fanfare?"
"I do have a reputation to uphold."
Celestia could practically hear Luna roll her eyes. "Yes, a reputation as a statue of gilded marble, equine in form only, built to dispense wisdom without doing something so grossly mundane as feel or bleed or fart."
"I suppose I have let our ponies put me on a pedestal."
"Tia, you designed and built that pedestal, perching 'pon it proudly as any griffon king."
Celestia permitted herself a hint of a smile as she looked back up. "And, truth be told, it's a very cathartic way to deal with the more obnoxious nobles."
Luna chortled. "There I cannot blame you. In any case, thank you for finally giving me something I can tell Captain Fantasia."
"You're going to tell her?"
"Of course." Luna gave her an incredulous look. "What would you have me do, spin some tale about how you cannot countenance the intrinsic darkness of her tribe? That centuries of loyal service are not enough to forget their dreadful appearance?"
"I suppose not, but..."
"Come now, Sister. It will be good for you to have somepony else know you are flesh and blood."
"In theory, yes," said Celestia, "but I'm worried about what will happen if the tabloids find out."
"Aye, it would be bad if the scandalmongers got wind of your wind. But you know the chiroptera can be trusted with secrets. You do remember how I discovered them."
Celestia nodded. "A corner of the dreamscape looking after itself."
"Given how well they hid themselves, I think we can trust them to hide this."
Celestia took a deep breath. "Very well. But... break it gently? Please?"
Luna chuckled. "Mind your phrasing, my beloved sib. In any case, I will do my best to preserve your dignity, given the circumstances." She gave a smile like a crescent moon. "However, I make no guarantees about Captain Fantasia preserving hers."
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Speaking of astronomical terminology:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/613/910/f98.jpg
My sides are in orbit.
I like it. Another!
Hah! Luna's parting shot was deadly.
Hahaha! I've always liked these kind of stories!
This was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You NEED to make more stories like this
With "Ever Billowing" I thought it might have something to do with Celestia's billowing hair, instead of the obvious one. But no. Ah well, this was fun nonetheless.
Oi, this woz a good un, it was. Silly, but a good silly
You deserve both a cookie AND a medal
I read the title, description, and chapter title, all the while repeating to myself "there's no way that this is just straight up a fart joke".
This was beautifully dumb, have a like.
That was curiously well-rounded for its subject matter.
7731417 Her mane is billowing in her broken wind.
So if she holds it in long enough, I assume she begins to float?
You, sir, are entitled to write as many dumb stories as you want. You earned the right. And we enjoy the results.
By the way, 'a smile like a crescent moon' is now one of my fav Luna references.
Funny idea. I just wish you went a little further with it.
I came here expecting fart jokes. I was not disappointed.
The part with the nobles was particularly grand.
THE BRINNER BRIGADE SHALL FIGHT ITS WAY TO VICTORY!
Twilight Sparkle was quiet for quite some time. Fantasia took a measured sip of her coffee. Twilight stared into her teacup.
"You know," Twilight said slowly, "this explains so much."
"It does?" Fantasia said, curious despite herself.
"Like the pre-classical holiday of Howloween," Twilight said, finally taking a sip of her now-cold tea and falling into a much more comfortable lecturing mode. "From which Nightmare Night took many of its traditions."
"I'm aware, Princess," Fantasia said, rolling her eyes. "It's not like it's our most important celebration or anything." Then she stopped and stiffened. "Wait. You're not saying ...?"
"The old legends of the Three Tribes say Princess Luna was out defending Equestria alone because her sister was feeling ill after an especially hearty banquet. Luna was defending a settlement on the borders of pony lands from an incursion of timberwolves, and though she fought with the strength of a hundred ponies, she was being slowly overwhelmed. Then, suddenly, every single timberwolf began howling at once, and fled Equestria in a mad rush --"
Hooves slammed to the table. Twilight looked up, startled.
"They were spooked by the arrival of chiropteron reinforcements," Fantasia hissed.
Twilight blinked. "Well, yes, that's what the legends have always said, but when you consider the unity of the wolves' retreat, and the fact that they were sprinting directly away from Everfree Palace --"
"They. Were. Spooked. By. The. Arrival. Of. Chiropteron. Reinforcements,"
The two locked stares for a moment -- Fantasia trembling in unexpected fury, Twilight's eyes wide in surprise.
Finally, Twilight tore her gaze away from the captain, drained the rest of her tea in one gulp, and coughed. "Reinforcements," she said. "Naturally."
I don't know what Celestia is so ashamed of. Helium is quite the noble gas, after all.
Well, it's good that you decided to let this story... get some air.
Everyone needs to do a Mel Brooks style comedy every now and again.
7731652 *slow clap* And the award for the Dad Joke of the Day goes to you, sir. Here, have an Internet Cookie
Everybody enjoys a good fart joke
What, no references to her being a gas giant? I'm disappointed.
And here it was that I thought helium was a common part of pony physiology, what with pegasi and all that.
Congrats on making the featured list
Has the singular form of chiroptera always been spelled chiropteron? Because I was under the impression that it was spelled chiropteran.
Also, Captain Fantasia. Awesome name.
So, when a chiroptera hears a moth fart, it totally knows to go hunting. I see...
Also I'm seeing a bit of thestral/batpony/chiroptera headcannon in there, Foamy. So, if they came from the realm of dreams... uhh... crossover with Neil Gaiman's Sandman?
Oh. And this story is the stupid dumbs. Write more stupid dums, Foamy! :V
7731495
Just don't try lighting anything near her when that happens. If there's any sort of ban on smoking in the palace, the motives ain't just for healthy lungs.
7731495
then it would be time to panic
So what's up with Captain Fantasia and her dignity? I don't get it.
7731388
Whereas Celestia's was silent.
7731451
"Beautifully dumb" is the best praise I can realistically hope for with this story.
7731477
This is what happens when you overthink everything; even your dumb ideas get some heft.
7731495
I'm pretty sure that by the time there would be enough gas to lift her, it would be too compressed to do so. It actually makes for an interesting physics problem. ("Assume a spherical princess.")
That said, she can definitely use it to cheat on a diet. "Of course I'm losing weight. Didn't you see the scale?"
7731643
derpicdn.net/img/2014/2/28/563342/medium.png
7731759
She was a gas giant when she was younger. Now that she's part of the establishment, she's gone all main sequence on us. Lame.
7731775
That may be Word of Faust, but one must always remember that that came from the woman who created Pinkie Pie.
7731793
I knew this story would either get me featured or lose me several followers. Glad to see it's the former, though there's still time for the latter.
7731794
I'm afraid you're mistaken. The name's based on bat taxonomy.
7731837
The chiroptera didn't come from the dream realm; it's just that they're able to tend to their dreams, something nopony else but Luna can do.
7732108
B-but Pinkie? That's how Equestria was made!
(Seminotsoseriouslyunlessitssemisweetchocolate)
That was an absolute gas to read.
So what you're saying here is that Celestia's ass is an echolocation beacon? Do thestrals in close proximity get mental sonograms of Celestia's butt every time she farts?
Ladies and Gentlemen:
FARTS!
They will never not be funny!
This was insanely funny, I had no idea about the twist... Have a like and a favorite for stupendous story, and writing ability!
"Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?"
7732093
She's going to laugh so hard, she'd break any metaphors I would use.
Based on the pun and the description, I was terrified that this was going to turn into a fetish story.
I'm sorry for jumping to that conclusion, EnthusiastForLargelyAllSubjectMatter.
7732418
7731756
Did you know that the first ever recorded joke was a fart joke? It was from ancient Sumeria or Babylon, can't exactly remember which one. It's about 4000 years old.
Amusing.
7732478
TIL
Makes sense, butts are inherently funny
7732542
Just the word itself is hilarious. Butt. b-b-BUTT.
That's an awesome name.
Lovely way to put it.
It's a very serious topic, mentioned in such an eccentric way, I love it.
~Leonzilla
Aye, I hold to that.
Funny little story! Great work!
Bonus points for using this word.
HJahahah, this... this was all my yes.
Bat Ponies. A part of the Dreamscape itself battling off the creatures of nightmare to defend the unaware ponies.... Best batpony species backstory ever! Also, cool name for them.
So....Celestia is really Rygel?
7732093
Do you think you could maintain your composure when you learned that one of the god-queens of your nation avoided your kind because you're the only ones who can hear her fart? I know I couldn't.
7732310
... That wasn't my intent, but it would explain why she's so uncomfortable. And now I'm imagining a chiropteron proctologist quietly informing her of an issue he just heard about.
7732471
It's a pony story built around a periodic element. I wanted to give credit where it was due.
7732477
When in doubt, look at the rating and tags. Also, I can promise that I'll never write clop, fetishistic or otherwise. Not on this account, anyway.
7732835
It's always fun to slip in antiquated bits of vocabulary into Luna's dialogue.
7731837
I hate to spoil the party, but you're thinking of hydrogen. Hydrogen is very flammable. Helium is a noble gas; it does basically nothing under any normal chemical conditions.