Confusing BONUS CHAPTER the fifth: Discords Dizzying Plethora of Pathetic Pathogens
Hello again Journal.
Today's trot into the madness would have been a case study to earn me my degree...
...If I didn't have it already.
But if I didn't, the abstract would be discussing the biology and immune system of species Chimerus Disharmonius Paininflankus (I did NOT invent that term)... Also known as Discord the Draconequus.
Most ponies, erroneously, would assume that an absurdly magical, reality warping entity like Discord would be all but impossible to infect. What with his tendency to shape shift, warp space time, rewrite his DNA on the spot, and number crunch... (Turns out that chaos magic is partially powered by pure math, specifically by dividing things by zero, go figure. Also, don't tell Princess Twilight, she'll have a conniption.)
But really, Discord CAN in fact, get sick.
I present one case of Blue Flu.
Also one case of Rhinovirus... Still getting the frozen ivory out of the wall on that one.
One case of Ewebowla; a case of Toxoplasmacast; symptoms of Gold Fever; Whooping Crane Cough; Mallardria; Saturday Night Fever (symptoms include singing in a shrill voice, among other things); Yellow fever, which when crossed with Blue Flu makes one rather green with envy; Salmon Ella; Symphonic Plague (Octavia even extended an invitation for that one); E-colon... The type where you put two dots on paper with lightning bolts, not the body part. Still figuring that one out; rabies, ACTUAL rabies, amazingly enough, not sure if that's doing anything; Mopes, don't ask; West Denial Virus...
At this point you're probably wondering how many different diseases he has.
Honestly, I think it would be safer to ask what he DOESN'T have. Discord's body is composed of so many different creatures, that I haven't even BEGUN to map the possible crossovers, reservoirs, infection vectors, or contagions. And don't even get me started at all the possibilities for magical diseases when you cross it with his chaos powers.
I think that during the pre-examination alone, he sneezed up and spread at least four different new pun-based infections. The only saving grace there being that they were only contagious when interacting with Discord himself. The, not so saving grace is apparently spreading the infection included conjuring up a butter knife and slathering it on one of the interns. Discord claimed innocence with that one. The intern contracted Incephalopodus, sprouted tentacles, and had to be carted off to Princess Twilight in a wheelbarrow. I'm a doctor, but there are limits, and magical shenanigans are more her purview than mine.
Either way, the problem present was rather odd. Discord had more diseases, dormant and active, in his body than any creature had a right to have. And despite his egotism in all things chaotic, the mess of biological insanity seems to have formed its own, more or less balanced ecosystem, complete with apex predator.
After taking a blood sample, I found not only the above listed pun-based diseases and more, but a few actual natural, but highly magical pathogens that while inert to ponies, seemed to be having a field day in his body.
You haven't observed a Draconequus' blood sample until you've watched single-cell organisms play kickball.
And if my entry so far makes it sound like I'm rather blasé about the whole thing, it's mainly because I'm writing this after three days of exhausting documentation and even then, running everything through a 'This is DISCORD' filter.
It's like my 'This is PINKIE' filter.
So, after diagnosing Discord with every disease known to pony kind (and many that aren't), I prescribed to him the only thing I could to deal with the one disease that was really causing problems...
Paint thinner.
Specifically one, eight-ounce glass of Turpentine-Acetone-Benzene solution every six hours as needed until the symptoms... fade.
I know, I know, not exactly professional, but knowing the nature of his chaos magic, and the pun-based nature of his illness, I decided that normal, professional methods of dealing with a sick Draconequus would probably fail miserably. Instead, I followed gut-instinct and made an educated guess as to the bizarre logic behind solving this problem.
After all, even with chaos, there's a method to the madness. So curing Blue Flu thus requires a way to remove the 'blue'.
As for the other myriad of biological hazards, I decided it best to leave them be. If they didn't hinder him, or infect ponies, chances are my meddling would just start a pandemic. And the last thing Equestria needs is a Sparkle-sized list of magical pathogens with punny symptoms wreaking havoc on the population coming out of nowhere all at once.
I also prescribed that he avoid Tatzle Worms in the future, and not to conjure up biohazards, no matter how much 'fun' being random and chaotic about micro-organisms might be. He may get a kick out of unpredictability and randomness, but I think even he understood that being bed-ridden with a case of sickle cell anime-a is not nearly as fun as it sounds when all his red blood cells are literally sickles being wielded by blond, spiky-haired microbes having death battles.
...Yeah that, luckily, wasn't a pathogen here, just an example I cooked up on the spot to get my point across. Though I honestly immediately documented that under 'keep an eye out for this', just in case.
That being said, I'm pleasantly surprised to report that despite the chaos magic involved in his very being, his bodily functions are surprisingly normal. Or at the very least, his body EMULATES being normal at the biological level. As a precaution, I've scheduled regular appointments for him on a monthly basis. Both to keep an eye on his biome of biological madness, and to collect more notes on how he ticks.
I will note, for the record, that after making that statement, I decided to subject him to an exit blood-pressure and heart rate check, just to confirm something.
Yeah, his heartbeat changed to that of a ticking alarm clock. I'm not surprised.
Despite his mischievous nature and past troubles, I will personally say that Discord was actually a very pleasant patient when all was said and done. I'm not sure if it's been Flutterhy's influence on him, or if just experiencing an actual hardship gets through to him, but he didn't give me a hard time, didn't argue, and cooperated fully.
Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony he may be, but even spirits need to be in good health, and despite his apparent madness, he knows it.
Hey readers. Merry Giftmas a little early. Since I'm kind of holding all my main writing while I deal with life itself and getting ready to start a new job, I decided to slap down a quick bonus here to add humor to your lives and give you 'something'.
Stay frosty, but don't let pun-based pathogens get you down.
Two things I must add now:
This...XKCD link
And...
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Why am I not surprised in the least. I think this is going to be Redheart’s favorite case in the end.
Thanks for the something. It sure was something.
So, did the encephalopodus victim lose their normal legs in the process?
Uh... did Redheart just go all Judge Doom on us?
Pffft!
Everypony knows the prescription for that is more cowbell!
8599815
I guess like with all things medical, the dose makes the poison. This could be the Equestrian/cartoon version of Botox...
8599845
That could very well be.
Chaos, is powered by order, and the impossible. That makes no sense. Which is why it shouldn't work, which is why it does.
8599886
If you wander about Solitude in Skyrim, you'll find a man who says: "There's a method to the madness, and a madness to the method".
Your wisdom won't be forgotten, strange man.
Paininflankus.
Who thinks Trollestia is behind that?
Incredibly clever naming of those pun-based pathogens.
Take a can of TAB every 8 hours and dont come calliing in the mourning.
8599777
Well, at the very least this is my favorite Redheart's case.
She prescribed him... The Dip?! Taken internally?! For a cartoon character?! Hmm... well Discord would be the one to be able to withstand such a thing.
(Nice "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" reference there.)
Welcome back !!!
Brilliant as always!
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/550/714/8ae.gif
*slow clap*
8599985
Well, reread the chapter title and pay attention to the cadence of the syllables...
Uh...what if there was disease that changes paint thinner to paint thickener?
It's been awhile, not sure if this has happened yet.
8600685
It all depends on the dosage, as well on the physiology of the character in question
A good story that I am sure many others will like.
8600685
Personally, I’d like to see how he’d handle an infusion of O-ethyl S-[2-(diisopropylamino)ethyl] methylphosphonothioate.
9181151
"Differential Diagnosis" is featured, and a comment there mentions this story. That's how I got in, at least. =D
9205750
who says you have to harm anyone to rule?
9205758
The first person who decides to oppose your authority.
9205771
Easy to fix! Give them a medical check up and deem them as insane! no one gets hurt but (almost) everyone is happy!
9205773
I didn't know a medical doctor could make a psychological evaluation.
Also really strange about this outbreak of insanity we've been having lately.
9205795
wait. Who else would give someone a medical diagnostic other than a doctor? Cause "Legally Insane" sounds like a doctor may be needed.
9205795
Also, you need more stories like this, they are INTRERESTING!
9205798
A psychologist?
You don't use a biological professional to make a mental diagnosis.
It seems even Discord can listen to common sense when it says that Nurses are literally paid to stick us all with sharp objects.
After finishing this story, all I can think of is this SFM short where the Medic goes absolutely bonkers because of all the ridiculous healing he has to do
9288529
Really? Huh.
Doctors have more authority in certain situations than a king. Of course Discord will bow to her instruction.
9957939
I don't even remember what that comment was for.......
9960888
the hospital wining as best haunted house
9988988
Ah. Yeah. That.
6758412
¿??????¿¿¿?¿??¿!!!!!¡
I don't ynderstant And don't speach enGrish
6759174
What reference????
Corpse utilisation ???
. That sounds like a wanted brothers genuis