I was marenapped today.
I'd like to say it was by some suave, handsome stallion. Maybe like that Caballeron from my Daring Do collection. But, no, I don't get that kind of luck.
Instead, I'm woken up in the middle of the night by a sound not unlike that of a swarm of angry bees. Now, granted most bees don't attempt to chloroform you on the spot, but before I could react, I have a rag stuck in my face.
Idiots. I don't know what books THEY'VE been reading, but I AM an Earth Pony. For one, I can hold my breath, and for two, I can kick a wall down if thoroughly panicked. For three...
I can't believed they tried chloroform! It's anesthetic properties are well documented by the medical community and using it to incapacitate somepony in such absurdly diluted doses takes almost five minutes.
Imagine how surprised my assailants were to learn this fact.
Luckily for them, changeling exoskeletons are rather tough. So aside from being a bit sore the next day, their prognosis was otherwise good.
Now, after granting my polymorphic attackers a little medical knowledge through osmosis, I was able to ask them what possessed them to try such ridiculous marenapping methods in the middle of the night.
As it would turn out, I was being abducted for my medical knowledge. Their Queen was sick, and they didn't have the knowledge to deal with it.
Oh, Hippocratic Oath. If I wasn't such a firm believer, I could single-hoofedly end a threat to Equestria today. But even the most wicked deserve their health.
Granted, they couldn't just let me walk to where the queen was being kept. That was a secret.
So guess what?
I got Chloroformed. This time willingly. Mind you, teaching a bunch of uneducated bug-ponies how to properly administer slightly hazardous anesthesia can be a bit trying. However, changelings are actually refreshingly literal in their interpretation of instructions. If they ever go legit, I want one as an assistant.
When I awoke, it was in a dark cave lit by moss, my tool bag at my side, and the sound of upset moans and scratching.
I was having none of that. I'm a doctor, not Batmare. I ordered light, and lots of it. And light is exactly what they gave me. And it was go-time.
So the changeling queen, Chrysalis.
I'm not familiar with Changeling anatomy of physiology. I made this clear when I was 'abducted', and when I prepared to examine their queen. She wasn't the most patient of patients I've ever dealt with, but she couldn't exactly maintain a threat when she stopped every five seconds to scratch her scalp or whine about her 'beautiful hair' falling out.
Honestly, she needs to reassess her priorities. Preliminary examination would suggest vitamin deficiencies and general malnutrition both for her, and for her 'subjects'. Cursory glances around showed me a considerable amount of scars and unhealed injuries. If my understanding of how Chitin functions is correct, this greatly exaggerated what I saw, and I had to reassess the severity of the symptoms. Naturally, if they could handle being smashed into a wall, they were probably a lot better off than I wanted to initially claim. Still... My diagnosis is 'fewer invasions, more begging for food and medical aid'.
That all being said, the queen definitely had a vitamin deficiency of some kind, and lice.
I itch just thinking about it.
Like I said, my familiarity with changeling anatomy and physiology is non-existent. However, there are parts of the queen's body that seem to blend from chitin into 'skin' along the top of her head and neck where her mane grows. And upon examination of said area up close, I was shocked to find a solid infestation of lice, ticks, and even fleas had come to call her home.
I wasn't about to give her instructions on standard home pest care, I get the feeling she didn't like taking orders and I doubt we had what I needed for such a treatment on hoof. So we did it the hard way.
“Off with her hair!” was the order of the day. And despite a number of vicious threats to my well-being, the queen's nasty, greasy, split-end filled mane was shaved clean off for her own good. And with her scalp laid bare, it was deceptively easy to remove the remaining parasites that had been plaguing her. The queen threw a pretty good tantrum at first, but once the itching and irritation eased off, she relaxed like someone who'd just finished getting the best massage in the world.
With the immediate problem removed, my prescription for both the queen AND her subjects was more frequent and thorough bathing (turns out the last time she had a proper bath was when she was impersonating Princess Cadance), and a more well-rounded diet. Love may be what gives them energy, but their bodies need vitamins and protein all the same. Fewer evil plots, more days out fishing. If I have to get marenapped again for this kind of thing, I won't hesitate to repeat my performance on her mane.
From her reaction to that threat, I'd say the queen would be taking my instructions seriously. She looked kind of comical with her fangs sticking out of a silly, terrified grin and one hoof running along her now bald head.
As payment for services rendered, I was offered some gold (probably looted), but I opted instead to request that she compile notes on changeling anatomy and have them delivered to Ponyville Medical Center discretely. If myself or another medical specialist had to deal with changelings again, it would be more productive if we actually knew what we were working on going into it. The queen was lucky her problem was actually simple parasite infestation. If I had to do anything involving antibiotics or invasive medical treatments... Well, needless to say I might as well have had leeches for all the good my schooling would have done me.
That being said, I need to take a bath. I was working around fleas, ticks, and lice. The last thing I need is to become a new host. I might take today off too, just to be sure.
Today Special Only. Flied Lice. Verry Good.
Nice one.
Brilliant
another bottle and keep them coming bartender
"I opted instead to request that she compile notes on changeling anatomy and have them delivered to Ponyville Medical Center discretely."
So, one page at a time, instead of as a continuous flow of information?
Will Nurse Redheart be badass in this story?
7484091 as someone who's mother is a nurse, trust me when I say that she is already a badass.
You impress once again, Tigerclaw. I very much enjoyed this little chapter.
Two words: Discord Chapter.
awesome chapter.
even tho it says complete a bonus chapter with Disccord would be cool and maybe one with Celestia, Luna/Nightmare Moon would also be cool (specially with Nightmare Moon)
7483608
here here
7484224
aye, in a pinch they could start drafting nurses as highlanders and they wouldn't be too bad off
Just do one chapter for each major villian in order. Though, I don't know how some of them would come into contact with Nurse Readheart to spark the events.
Once again highly entertaining.
Personally I would love to know what Redheart makes of Shinning and Cadence. Particularly after the Sombra incident.
Perhaps a consultation with the Royal physicians at Canterlot after Twilight gets her species upgrade and she wants to know whether to stop worrying or worry more.
And of course there is always the CMC and their fabled antics that in an even semi-realistic world would involve frequent calls for the medics.
Not gonna lie, I wasn't entirely sure what story this was when I saw it updated. Then I read this chapter and remembered why I favorited it in the first place
That was a perfect opening line to this chapter after the end of the previous chapter.
Is Redheart sure about that? For what she does, this day and every day, she's clearly the hero Equestria needs.
I love the way nurse redheart is portrayed here, a consumate professional who takes her oath seriously.
7484224
Ha! You sir speak the truth.
My youngest sister is a nurse and likewise is more badass than her other two siblings together.
Nurses never get paid enough, do they?
Seeing Celestia's personality that might even work.
(May had read too many Changeling fanfics.)
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Personal experience: Nurses are constantly overworked and underpaid.
At first I thought that came from napping = sleeping.
(They were using chloroform, so I wasn't entirely wrong...)
7488481 indeed. However I think it's a conspiracy.
Nurses are like Angry Marines see? The angrier they get, the more badass they get. The more shit they put up with on the pay scale, the angrier they get.
Once female nurses reach god tier badass levels, that's when they get upgraded to the highest levels of badass
Mothers.
I'M HITTING THE LIKE BUTTON, BUT IT DOESN'T LET ME LIKE THIS TWICE!
(Cough)
I liked it a lot the first time I read it, and oh boy I loved this bonus chapter.
This is a really good story, well redacted, funny and the chapters are short enough to don't get tedious to read.
Also has great potential to be continued. In other words:
lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/Ssdkq97LoAdBIa2UicLpnZSQcaw_ITb1XK4_5TQkjRP6im7cz0m2V8mdNLHGtmyEyS12Iq0IoQ=w500-h292-nc
7489005 aaand now I'm imagining a bunch of angry marine scouts in med school for "remedial classes"
7525195 that's scary. You want to give a group of super soldiers, whose sole purpose is to shove their power boots so far up your ass you can taste the sole, the training that would allow them to do that AND keep you alive as they do the deed.
7525223 "rare is the sight of an angry marine apothecary, for the requirements of acceptance into the training program are rarely found within the ranks of recruits. But, every now and then, a recruit, capable of sustaining the chapter's legendary anger, but not the bezerker rage, will pass into the scrutiny of the chapter master and is swiftly swept up into the program. The process of training these apothecaries is one of the most well-kept secrets of the chapter, but what emerges from the no-doubt grueling process are some of the best field surgeons, and the most colurful vocabulary, in all of the imperium. It is said that watching an angery marine apothecary work, or swear(more often than not at the same time) is akin to watching an eldar mold wraithbone. Naturally, the angery marines find these creative and often long-winded tirades while getting their various body parts reattached to be inspiring, causing the marines in question to take action in ways that are considered "absolutely fucking moronic" even by chapter standards. One prominent example of this is a well documented incident where a badly wounded squad of marines were routed by chaos forces, when the attending apothecary flew into a 5-minute rant where he claimed the entire squad were "a bunch of candyassed, ball-sucking ignor-anuses who wouldn't know what anger was if it fucked your asses until there was nothing left but blood and seman!" The squad immeadently rallied and single handedly purged the chaos corruption from the entire subsector in a fortnight before passing out from exhaustion."
7526224
And lo did Nurse 'Bleeding' Red Heart smile proudly as her pupils learned a new meaning for Sewing Terror, even as they stitched fear into the ranks of the opposition.
The leeches bit was a bit ironic to me given that one of my bit medical pony OCs is named Farmer Maggot (after the character of that name in the LotR books) he is an Earth Pony who raises medical maggots and leeches.
The other one is a guy with a janitorial cutie-mark who holds an MD in infectious disease... or maybe just a PhD in microbiology with that specialization. Always gotta stay one step ahead of the new disinfectant-resistant strains...
chitin, no capital letter
I feel so sorry for Chrysalis. Let me play on my tiny violin 'My heart bleeds for thee!'
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Actually, having maggots in a wound is a good thing. It means that you are infected, but they are eating the infection. Maggots don't eat healthy flesh. One guy came in to a hospital with maggots in his face. The nurse at the front freaked out and cleaned them out of the wound. He died shortly after from a serious infection. Turns out, the maggots had almost eaten it all. He would still be alive if they were left alone.
Edit: she was also very new and inexperienced.
9287420
Well, if they aren't carefully raised I am pretty sure the mother and/or the maggots themselves would often (usually?) bring infection, but yes. I did specify MEDICAL maggots.
Seems like the suckers have become the sucked! I am sure all of those parasites loved all of bug waifus blood.