• Published 23rd Dec 2015
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MEDIC! : From the Files of Nurse Redheart - AdmiralTigerclaw



Nurse Redheart laments about the medical issues of some of Equestria's most well known ponies.

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Six Medically Maladjusted Mares

When somepony asks me, 'Are you a doctor, or a nurse?', often the answer is 'Yes'. That is to say, while I may often be referred to as 'Nurse' in my profession, I am a fully educated and certified medical doctor, recognized by the crown for my credentials, and given all the authority needed when it comes to sick and injured ponies. Yes, I know that sentence ran a little long, but I'm a doctor, not a school teacher (Why do I feel like I've always wanted to say that?).

Needless to say, the title of Nurse makes me more approachable. Something Doctor Stable just could never understand even when I explained to him my decision to keep the title when I finished Medical School. As the head nurse (and technically a mid-level doctor on paper) of Ponyville Medical Center (often called Ponyville Hospital by those who don't seem to understand how names work), the credentials, title, and position come together to allow me to see, and treat just about everything that ails a pony in this part of Equestria.

Yes, from the youngest foal to the oldest stallion and mare, I've treated cuts, scrapes, broken bones, and runny noses aplenty. I've even treated the greatest heroines of our time.

Oh boy... Have I treated them.

Doctor/Patient Confidentiality aside, this is between you and me, journal. Most ponies see a certain six friends as the ultimate avatars of the virtues of harmony. Yeah, they get their fair share of scrapes and cuts when it comes to the hero business, who wouldn't when one is in the business of saving the world? But don't let anyone fool you into thinking they're perfect. Not that anypony would go that far...

I'll start with something obvious. Most ponies wonder how Pinkie Pie can consume so much sugar without catching several levels of diabetes. The girl lives in a bakery that sells mainly confections, and it shows in her diet. Between a diet of her own products and her constant taste testing, one has to wonder how she keeps from getting sick. Answer? She doesn't. If it weren't for a crown-funded medical plan mandated by Celestia herself, Pinkie would never be able to afford the amount of insulin I distribute to her on a weekly basis. I think the only reason her condition isn't worse is because she took my warning about diet and exercise seriously the first time. Though I wish she'd cut down on the sweets rather than increase the amount of running around she does... Girl's going to die young with a smile on her face. Whether it's from contentment, or a hyperglycemic seizure locking one permanently onto her features, I've yet to determine.

And if there was too much of a good thing, there's also Not Enough. I have three months of Fluttershy's blood pressure medication tucked away in a drawer because the girl's too scared to admit to anyone that she's got a heart condition. In case basic pony anatomy has been forgotten, Fluttershy is a pegasus, with the cardiovascular system to match. But not the lifestyle. To remain healthy, a pegasus needs at least three hours of active flight time a day. I don't think Fluttershy's exceeded three minutes all week. At this point, I worry about that anxiety of hers. Without her medication even a minor panic attack runs to the risk of cardiovascular complications. Her animals help keep her calm and relaxed, but one of these days Rainbow Dash is going to check on her friend, only find her lifeless corpse collapsed on the floor of her cottage.

Speaking of Rainbow Dash...
I'm happy to say that her problem is NOT steroids. At first I thought that pegasus had to be on something. Her rather insane bursts of energy followed by all the odd hours she sleeps is abnormal even for an active weather specialist. But thankfully, she's smarter than that. In fact, she's smarter than most ponies give her credit for. My only complaint is that she doesn't drink nearly enough milk or get enough proteins to keep up her training regimen. That crash that put her in our care a while back shouldn't have even fazed her. But 'medical and athletic science is for eggheads', right? I'll be keeping that comment in mind the next time she needs a wing X-ray. She WILL learn.

This of course, gives Princess Twilight no excuse.
I know she's a princess, but that doesn't make her body indestructible. It also doesn't change the fact that I've known her since she came to Ponyville, before she earned those wings and that crown. And like any bookworm... Can you say 'Self Diagnosis' with me? I'm serious, she's actually been in here (secretly) for more medical and magical blunders than any of her friends. Her neuroses are well documented, and an entire checklist (made by her, hilariously enough) of antidotes and counter-reagents has been stocked up on to ensure we can correct any mistakes she makes. Thank Celestia that Spike has a level head on his shoulders for a dragon his age. Powdered poison joke solution is not an acceptable anti-inflammatory.... No matter how limp it makes one's horn (the next time I see discord, I'm dosing him with methylphenidate just to see what it does to him). Twilight would make a wonderful doctor, except for her habit of reaching a conclusion on the very first match with any symptoms she has. A habit that she hasn't grown out of, despite four years of miserable, if sometimes painful lessons. Sorry Princess, but burying your head in every medical book from here to Canterlot does not give you any form of medical expertise. I would know~.

Compared to the Princess, the other unicorn (and STILL unicorn) of the group, Rarity, is a downright... well... princess.
But even she's not perfect. Thankfully, the idea of purge dieting is just too disgusting for her, but I worry about this cycle of binge and starvation she puts herself through. See, Rarity has a bit of a method for dealing with stress. Ice Cream, lots of it. Obviously, she doesn't consume sweets to the point she matches Pinkie, but the girl has been known to wipe out a few tubs of frozen desserts when she gets upset. And trust me, Rarity's business has more ups and downs than a roller coaster... Upset is frequent. Of course, the resulting crash diet she has on the rebound doesn't help... Compounded by the fact that she'll forget to eat when she gets 'in the zone'. I tried to scare her into taking better care of herself by pointing out such ballooning and deflating would give her early wrinkles, but that only succeeded in the excessive purchase of two dozen different facial creams... All worthless. You should have seen the binge eating she did for that one. Had her in here nauseous and almost visibly green. Can't say I didn't warn her.

And we mustn't forget Applejack.
AJ, AJ, AJ...
You'd think my down-to-earth friend would be more willing to listen to her doctor (nurse) when it comes to the importance of stress management and long hours. Believe me, I don't kick apples out of trees on a daily basis, but I AM a nurse (doctor). Her devotion to all things apple, and her reluctance to trust anything in pill or tonic form after that garbage those peddling frauds sold her grandmother has made it almost impossible for me to prescribe anything to her without a very long, very roundabout conversation involving lots of shouting and debunking of myths. Sometimes the same myths I've debunked before. Girl's thick-headed like her brother. If it weren't for Zecora's pharmaceutical knowledge and her way of making everything sound Au Natural, AJ would have snapped both her hind legs by now and I'd be force feeding her vitamins through a straw. I have to invite Zecora to Canterlot with me some time. If only to get her a pharmacists license. I can vouch for her, and I'm sure she'd pass a knowledge test.

Either way, these are Equestria's greatest heroines. A diabetic, a countdown to a heart attack, the athlete too cool for medical science, the self-medicated princess, the crash dieting diva, and the cowpony who doesn't trust anything that she didn't see growing herself five minutes ago. It's sad really. If the forces of Evil REALLY wanted to take over Equestria, they'd go after me, not them. Though honestly, I could probably point out a dozen medical issues for whichever monster or villain I come across. And they'd probably listen. Maybe we'll get an evil doctor one of these days. Then I can be his pretty assistant and ensure all his minions are always following my guidelines for healthy living. It would be a step up from the madness of Ponyville these days.

Good night Journal. And remember, this is between you and me.

Author's Note:

Just a quick one-shot that came to me in the shower of all places. Written in fifteen minutes, and expanded upon for a little more content over the course of an hour. Nothing epic.