All Part of the Act
The traveling entertainer's life isn't for everypony. It means long days of wagon-pulling, plenty of lonely nights, and far more grass in one's diet than most ponies care for. But for some ponies, myself included, it's the only way to live. The performances make it worth it, hearing ponies cheer out "Field Player!"
And just Field Player, for that matter. Unlike certain mares who shall remain nameless and who wouldn't recognize talent if it bit them on the dock, I don't have to compensate for a lackluster show with grandiose titles and costumes, or even an overblown color scheme. No, I can let my performances stand on their own. I am but the humble purveyor of these marvels, brown coat and black mane helping to ensure that it is my magic that captivates the crowds.
Arranging this particular purveyance was complicated by aforementioned tasteless mare. She had performed in the quaint little village of Ponyville a few weeks ago, and her show had somehow lead to an incident involving a young starbeast rampaging through the town. I was not at all surprised to hear this. Still, a bit of cordial conversation with the local authorities (and a promise to pay for any monster attacks my performance might cause) earned me permission to ply my trade that evening.
Despite the understandable initial wariness, Ponyville proved a very friendly town and a great audience. More than a few musicians, but they still worked with physical instruments. None of them could do what I did, synching up illusory sound and images in a spectacle the likes of which the hamlet had never seen before. Even the few unicorns with instruments or notes on their flanks were gaping, stunned. Of course, none of them had a note framed in an eye. My artistry was beyond them, and I was more than happy to grant them the privilege of witnessing it.
The sun hung low before me as I put on my show, my displays prominent before the darkening sky. I smiled as I took in the crowd, my golden aura not even shifting into overglow. Most ponies would be too focused on such a complicated performance to watch the reactions, but not one such as I, who had long since mastered the routine. Besides, there was little point if I couldn't see the admiration, the awe, the recognition of my abilities. After all, that praise was what drove me from town to town.
Well, praise and other motivations. I stopped scanning the crowd once I spotted what I was looking for, a mare who watched my vivid performance not with wonder, but with curiosity. I was already smiling as I soaked in the audience's reaction, but seeing her made my grin widen a little. She was a vision. Her slim figure, inquisitive gaze, and potent magic—so much so that I could sense it from on stage—standing out amidst the crowd of bumpkins like a beautiful orchid in an especially plebeian marsh.
I love orchids. They're delicious.
I delivered the finale in all of its scintillating glory. Once the last glimmers faded with the final note, I bowed, cuing a thunderous round of applause. All too soon, the crowd began to disperse. Though unlike certain mares, I make sure to collect admission before the performance, thanks to a box marked with the words "Support the Arts" and an entirely legal compulsion that makes it easier to put a bit in the box than ignore it. To say nothing of what would happen to anypony who might try to take it for themselves...
But I digress. I kept an eye on the lilac lovely and smiled as I realized that she wasn't going anywhere. She probably wanted to discuss the theory behind the routine. Perfect.
I stepped off the stage and approached her. "Excuse me, Miss...?"
She looked around, as though I'd give the time of day to anypony else in this backwater. "Twilight Sparkle," she said.
"I couldn't help but notice that you were watching my performance with a more scholarly bent than most."
She blinked and raised her eyebrows, clearly impressed. "Really? I thought you'd be too busy focusing on the performance to see the crowd's reaction."
"Well, I don't like to brag," I said, my chest swelling with humility, "but with my talent and experience, I could do something like that performance in my sleep."
"Wow. I've done a little work with illusions, but nothing that elaborate."
I basked in the glow. This was what I looked for, somepony who couldn't just admire my skills, but appreciate just how well developed those skills were. Unlike some toilet-cleaner-coated dabbler who couldn't appreciate the focus and dedication needed to specialize in one area of spellcraft. "If you'd like," I said, "we could discuss the concepts in greater depth, along with any other topics you might be interested in."
She tilted her head. Adorable. "Such as?"
I flashed a winning smile that had won me hearts across Equestria. "Well, biology has always been a favorite."
She took a moment to process the comment, then gave an adorable little squeak and worked her mouth silently for a few moments. "I..." She blushed. "I think I'd like that. Follow me."
We talked along the way. To most outside observers, our discussion grew more obscure and academic with every sentence. But the two of us knew we were exchanging elaborate multiple-entendres that could only be unraveled with a vast understanding of the arcane sciences. I come up with them to pass the time as I move between towns. To my surprise and delight, Twilight managed to make a few that took me a few moments to process.
Soon enough, we came to what I had to assume was her home. "A tree?"
"The town library," she said. She beamed. "Aren't earth pony towns fascinating? I'd never heard of such a thing until I came here."
Not really. "Indeed."
We went inside and discussed magical theory for quite an enjoyable span. Still, I could see her anxious shifting, and with a smile, I said, "So about those... biological matters."
She perked up and almost bounced on her hooves. "I'm so excited! I can't believe I'm really going to be doing this. I mean, are you sure? You want to... " She reddened. "You want to with me?"
"Why wouldn't I?" I said. "You're brilliant, you're beautiful, you're everything a stallion could ask for."
Her blush got even brighter. "Well, you're very kind to say that, but I'm still learning the basics of friendship and you want to move up to something as advanced as..." She giggled. It was so precious, it almost hurt. "Oh, I can't even say it! I'm sure Cadence would say I'm taking this way too quickly, but I admit, I've always been curious. You can read about it in textbooks and, well, let's call them less scholarly sources, but there's nothing like firsthoof experience, right?"
I nodded. I've dealt with plenty of nervous ramblers in my day. I leaned my head near hers and whispered, "Follow my lead."
"What?" She backed away, shaking her head. "No, no, no, not yet. I have a checklist we have to fill out first."
"A checklist?" I echoed. "We could just—"
"Oh, it'll be over quick. Then we can..." She giggled again.
I smiled. Humoring her seemed harmless. "Then let's start. The sooner we finish..." I trailed off with a roguish wink, letting her imagination do the rest.
Twilight nodded, and her horn lit up. A cylinder as thick as her barrel burst into existence in front of her.
My jaw dropped. "That is a large scroll." The words slipped out before I could even think to stop them.
She didn't seem to notice, unrolling an all-too-short length of the immense thing. "Now then," she said, "is this your first time?"
I collected myself and gave my best "bad colt" grin. "I wouldn't say that."
She looked away and gave a delicious little squirm. "Well, it's mine. I guess I can follow your lead."
"In that case..." I tried to take the checklist in my own magic.
She completely overwhelmed me with no visible effort on her part. It was like getting my horn slammed in a door. She glared at me, but was smiling. "Hey, if we're going to do this, we're doing it properly. Next question, do you have any venereal diseases?"
I sputtered. "What!? Why would you—"
She narrowed her eyes. "You know, acting defensively about that kind of thing isn't filling me with confidence."
I gritted my teeth. This was beginning to feel like Trixie all over again. "No."
She raised an eyebrow. "Hmm. Hold still, please." Before I could react, a field of magenta light swept over me. Twilight smiled again. "Good! You were right, you don't."
"What was that about?" I swore I could taste plaid.
"Well, if you had answered the question right away, I wouldn't have needed to cast the medical scan." She turned back to the checklist. "Next question... Well, it isn't exactly a question. I'm going to need a cheek swab."
I knew I wouldn't like the answer, but I couldn't help but ask. "Why?"
She shrugged. "Oh, you know, the usual. A quick genomic analysis, see if we share any unpleasant recessive traits that might carry over to the foals—"
"I have protection!" I sputtered. Honestly, the last thing I wanted was leaving a trail of single mothers in my wake. Such thoughtlessness was beneath me, to say nothing of what might happen if I returned to those towns later on.
"Even magical contraceptives have a nonzero failure rate. I figured this was the best option, but if you'd prefer to give a blood sample..."
Any concerns about foals were knocked out of my head. "No, no, a cheek swab is fine!"
She gave a little laugh. "Yeah, I figured." A cotton swab floated in front of my muzzle "Open wide!"
I did. It was demeaning. Just keep it together, Field, I told myself. It'll all be worth it...
"There, that's that taken care of." She moved to the next item. There was still a great deal of scroll left. "Now, do you have any allergies, especially to any kind of dragon byproduct?"
Dragons? Wait, no, asking questions would only delay the end result. Zipping through them was my best option. "No."
"Uh huh. Unusual magical sensitivities or resistances?"
"Most illusions don't work on me." Part and parcel of my talent, that.
"Makes sense. Are you on any prescription medications?"
I snorted and smiled. "With my lifestyle?"
She nodded. "Good point. Do you have a criminal record?"
My eyes widened. I swallowed. "Uh, define 'criminal record.'"
She raised an eyebrow. "Criminal record. Noun. A record of a pony's arrests and convictions, generally used by potential employers, moneylenders, romantic partners, and so forth to assess his or her trustworthiness. Are you going to answer the question, or am I going to have to use it in a sentence?"
"Oh. Well then. It's just a few parking tickets." Among other things.
"Is that all?" She laughs. "I've gotten ticketed before, and I don't even have a cart license."
"Then how—?"
"A hot air balloon." A camera manifested in front of her. "Now, I'm going to need a picture of your cutie mark."
I backed away a few steps. "Why?"
"I need submit it to the Royal Bureau of Investigation. They can do a much more thorough background check than I can. It should only take two to four weeks to determine if what we're about to do would be a threat to national security." She reared up and clopped her forehooves together a few times. "Oh, I'm so spontaneous!"
Rarity normally held herself with grace and elegance, as befitted a unicorn and a lady.
These were not normal times. Her lashing tail, stomping hooves, and lowered horn made it clear that she was on the warpath, one that led to the Golden Oak. "I cannot believe you allowed this to happen, Rainbow Dash!"
Dash hovered just behind Rarity, keeping to her blind spots. "I'm telling you, Rarity, she's got this."
Rarity turned her head enough to direct a one-eyed glare at Dash. "She does not 'have this'! Twilight is so sheltered that she'd never had so much as a slumber party before she came here! This... this cad is going to have his way with her, break her poor, innocent heart into a million pieces, and probably make her never want to love again!" Rarity's limbs twitched as she restrained herself to a brisk trot. "You may be content to stand idly by as this travesty of romance takes place, but I will not allow one of my dear friends to suffer so grievous an injury!"
"Hey!" Dash went muzzle-to-muzzle with Rarity. "If I thought Twilight couldn't handle this, I never woulda let that creep get within twenty feet of her!"
Decorum forgotten, Rarity snorted as they approached the library. "Oh, please. Did you see how he had her wrapped around his hoof? She probably would've presented herself in the street if he'd asked her! Twilight has no experience in these matters. We have to—"
"Not worth it!" The library's door flew open, and Field Player galloped into the night.
"...Help ...her?" Rarity watched him go, her jaw hanging open.
Twilight poked her head out of the doorway and called, "Where are you going? We haven't even started the psychological profile!" She managed to hold her longing expression for all of three seconds before bursting into laughter.
"Screw you and the cart you came in with!" Dash cried. She extended a hoof towards Twilight. "Nice."
Twilight completed the hoofbump and smiled. "Thanks."
"But... you... he..." Rarity looked back and forth between her friends and the wake of the fleeing stallion. "What?"
Twilight turned to her. "Oh, good evening, Rarity."
"I... It..." Rarity shook herself. "Er, good evening, darling. I don't suppose you could tell me what that was about?"
Dash put a foreleg over Twilight's withers. "Ever since me and Pinkie—"
"'Pinkie and I,'" Twilight said automatically.
"Ever since we got Twilight with that well of invisible ink, she's been way into pranks."
Twilight nodded. "It's a fascinating school of humor. And as the name implies, practical jokes actually do have practical applications." She smirked. "As Field Player just demonstrated."
"But..." Rarity struggled for words for a moment. "I thought for certain that that cretin had seduced you!"
A few laughs escaped Twilight before she cleared her throat. "Sorry. It's just that I had to deal with much worse than him in Canterlot."
"You what?"
Dash nudged Twilight with a wing. "Aw, yeah. Everypony wanted a piece of my girl here."
Twilight flushed. "Well, not exactly. Everypony wanted Celestia's personal student. So I got a lot of insincere romantic overtures."
Rarity took in her friend. Twilight had the slimmest legs she'd ever seen, speaking of the incredible magic supporting her muscles. There was a faint shimmer about her horn even when she wasn't casting. She practically smelled like magic, a hint of something indescribable on the air. In short, she effortlessly fulfilled the ideal of beauty that took Rarity hours of prep work each morning. "I'm sure a few of them were truly infatuated with you."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Please. Me? I'm nothing special. They just wanted to be two degrees away from Celestia."
Dash chimed in. "Twi told me and Pinkie—"
"'Pinkie and me.'"
"—about it while we were tellin' her about pranking, and so we came up with a perfect way to repel creeps."
Twilight nodded. "Be myself, only more so." She frowned. "Though I still don't see why the cheek swab is such a bad idea."
And take your first-person perspective with you!
Hey, why'd you stuff me down here?
Because I wasn't sure if that joke would fly in the main text. Also, I wrote that scene solely for Dash and Rarity, and recalibrating it to fit you in seemed excessive.
Credit goes to Titanium Dragon for making Pinkie and Rainbow Dash Twilight's tutors in trolling.
Anyway, this is what happens when I try to write a clopfic. Or at least what happens when I intentionally write the sleaziest character I can stomach.
Part of my headcanon is that pre-ascension Twilight was basically the paragon of unicorn beauty without even realizing it. And that unicorn magic telekinetically reinforces the musculoskeletal system, which means that unicorns (or, at least, those attracted to them) subconsciously find thin limbs attractive, as they indicate stronger magic. By extension, between his considerable physique and potent magic, Shining Armor is freaking ripped. (Meanwhile, when Applejack first met Twilight, she tried to stuff as many calories as she could down the poor thing's throat. Same signal, different receptor.)
My apologies to those of you expecting a Mistress Marevelous/Humdrum shipfic. 
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Slick. Personally I'd probably stay the course, or at least get to item #37 on the checklist.
Hmmm. About that no talent with the third person person thing. I almost expect a large stallion with a Stalliongrad accent to show up whereever she is and tell her "That burning you feel? It is shame."
Loved it!
Once she got to mentioning the two to four week wait, this fool should have realized he was being trolled.
...did she just use Bureaucracy charms to repel a pick-up artist. Is that what you just wrote.
This is the ultimate form of cock blocking.
6290747
37. How long was your last banishment from this nation, planet, and/or plane of existence?
6290776
"Field who? Oh right, him. Trixie hijacked his one spell and used it to play polka at him until he wept. Serves him right for trying to upstage the Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie!"
Oh, it wasn't Trixie who felt shame when last she met Field Player. If you asked her about him...
(Though, in all honesty, I kind of want to ship PlayTrix.)
6290787
The catch is, he'd have to wait that long to realize it. Twilight has an in with the Canterlot Epiphany Board.
6290929
I literally laughed for the better part of a minute after reading that. It wasn't my intention, but it is kind of what happened, isn't it? Bureaucracy may not be a Twilight Caste Ability, but she clearly favors it.
This was not what I was expecting (i.e. oblivious twilight wanted to disect frogs or somesuch). This is far better than I was expecting. I also love your unicorn body shape headcanon, and may steal it for my own use. Yet another reason for a certain amber flooficorn chef to be sensitive about her figure. >:D
Also, it'd help explain how resilient Twilight is to harm.
I wonder, though, how it relates to alicorn biology and its incorporation of all three tribes' magic. Do they have an ideal body type that would appeal to ponies of each tribe on different levels, or does the interaction of different magics produce a different body type completely? You raise so many questions, Fan!
On a related note, are you saying that Shiny has weaker magic than most, or that he had to work extra hard to get that ripped? I figure he's no slouch in the magical power department, as he was able to sustain a city-wide bubble shield for a few days at least. Or did I completely misread your meaning and you were actually saying that he'd have to be a magical powerhouse in order to have the figure he does?
I think that this would be funnier as just "Though I still don't see why the cheek swab is such a bad idea."
6291097
Poor Amber. Floofycorns need love too. You're welcome to borrow the headcanon.
For more on my headcanon regarding what ponies look for in body types, including those of alicorns, I recommend this blog, especially the section "Third Dimension: Tribe."
As for Shining Armor, what I mean is that in order for a unicorn with that kind of magical potency to achieve that kind of physique, he must be ridiculously strong. At least, he must be according to my headcanon, which has all the authority of a wet tissue.
6291183
Change made. There was a little confusion about that line in the Writeoff entry, but I think this should be pretty clear.
Very well done. I'm going to mention this story to my friends.
Came in expecting cringe humor, was pleasantly surprised. Thanks for another great read!
In fairness, the cheek swab idea is entirely sensible as far as I'm concerned. Possibly even the background check.
Hmm, I like that head canon for how unicorns see one another. Accepted
And yeah, Twi (pre ascension, of course) and Shining were probably the most powerful unicorns around. I mean, she could use time magic and he can blanket an entire city in a magical dome and maintain it while being drained. That said, Cady probably had to beat other mares back with a stick
I too had this headcanon about "thin unicorns". Sadly in the worst cases, where the magic is strong but not quite strong enough, you get a case of "glass ponies", and I'm not talking Crystal. But let us not speak of such things.
6291077
I, uhh, kinda want to know the full list now, since you had a thirty-seven ready.
It would not surprise me if you did, in fact, have a full list worked out. At some point on there would need to be "Inform potential sexual partner that all of this has been a prank in order to ward off the sleaze bags and apologize for the deception."
Nice to see a version of Twilight that isn't completely oblivious. As much as the fandom likes to depict her as extremely awkward in social situations, she's never really been that maladjusted. I liked how her anti-scumbag defence is to more or less become the pony that a lot of bronies think she is.
Admittedly the writers would probably have given her a "before sex" checklist if that was the kind of joke they could really do on this show.
Really nice story. I missed this Write-off so I am very glad I got this chance to read it anyway.
Also, a Twilight capable of deflecting advances makes perfect sense, and it is a fundamentally different skill-set than making friends.
Hah! I expected an unexceptional, though well-done, story with oblivious Twilight misinterpreting all those scientific double-entendres and wearing down Field Player's patience. I was surprised, and delighted, by where the story went instead.
6291964
If they ever decide to give the characters romantic lives, Twilight will have a dating checklist. Closest thing we'll get.
You got me! I did not expect that Twilight actually was doing that deliberately.
6291431 6291964 6292711
I'm surprised by how many people were expecting an oblivious Twilight. I was going for a twist, yes, but not that one. I suppose the story rating rather undermines my intent. Still, it's neat to see how people find angles that follow what I was going for in unexpected directions.
6291701
Yeah, I can't imagine they let just anypony court the Bearers. Especially not Twilight. Shining Armor probably has half a regiment stationed in Ponyville, keeping an eye on her.
6291731
I do like the idea of Cadence embracing her full alicorn authority by beating back Shining's waves of adoring fanfillies.
"I AM LOVE, AND NONE SHALL HAVE HIM BUT I!"
And then Celestia lectured her niece on the proper, responsible use of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice.
6291858
The feedback mechanism is normally such that weak magic leads to physically stronger limbs. It's only when very powerful unicorns suffer sudden disenchantment that they have to worry. Fortunately, any bones that were broken during Tirek's rampage were healed by the Rainbow Power Carrier Wave.
As for the full questionnaire, I'm sorry to say that I made up #37 on the spot.
6292819 sounds like an inversion of Chrysalis XD
Twilight has weaponised adorkable. What is the name of that feeling when your heart goes squee, while your head screams flee?
6292714
I can totally see an episode about Twilight nearly ruining a date because she won't stop with the checklist long enough to actually participate in the date (or she's so intent on the movie and dinner that she's basically ignoring the poor guy).
I mean, I don't think it will happen because I think Flash Sentry's role is the closest we'll get to seeing the mane six date, but it's easy to imagine what an actual "Twilight has a date" episode would look like.
Makes sense. Also, that was awesome!
That was cute. I was also one of the ones expecting so-oblivious-she-wears-him-down Twilight, but what you actually delivered was probably better.
Whatever else you have to say about him, Field Player is good at biology (I mean the scholastic sense).
Sorry if I'm missing something obvious here, but what is this supposed to mean? Is Shining Armor hideous by unicorn standards because he's so buff? Is his musculature exceptional only to unicorns and standard for other pony races? It makes it sound like he's magically weak and so needs the muscles, but that's honestly so ridiculous an idea that I'm wasting time and letters writing this sentence in the first place.
Magic reinforcing the body would explain why Twilight is so good at running and why she can survive anvils dropping on her head.
Oh, wow, that worked on so many levels. Keep up the good work, dude.
Between the title and the writing style, and faving this along with another short story, I honestly thought the whole time I was reading the one written by Estee.
...I don't know if that sounds like a compliment to you, but it was supposed to be one.
6292957
I'm pretty sure it's "nervouscited." Or possibly "scaroused."
6295340
I have hopefully clarified the point about Shining Armor. Basically, he borders on Bulk Biceps-level musculature given his magic levels. Not that attractive to the unicorn-oriented, but Cadence in Shiny-sexual.
6296907
That's a pretty darn high compliment in my book! Thanks!
That prank suits Twilight PERFECTLY. I wasnt even sure what her motives were until the end!
Twilight should be proud.
Twilight you bad!
And I love it.
Funny stuff, this fic.
I fave this for brilliantly written Rarity.
And... k'now, the central concept is cool too.
Great fic.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
Ah, it's wonderful to read a story with an unreliable narrator. Poor widdle insecure Player, it's pretty clear that Trixie shot him down brutally. Oh wait, he's a sleaze and his misery brings me joy. never mind, I'm good.
All in all, a fun read. The realization of what's really going on builds up gradually in a perfectly paced way. Loved it.
You slip into third person here.
I don't think I got a chance to write a review for this one in the writeoff, but this version is definitely better. The only large ptiblen I saw here was that it seemed to me that you spent too much time at the beginning painting Field Player as a decent, though snobbish about his work, pony. Even though I knee he was a sleazeball from the writeoff version, he didn't seem that way here until several paragraphs in.
Still, this is a rather good and amusing story.
Dat stallion's face.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/49/88/14/49881423b368d55336e69e10772e143b.jpg
After that I ended up reading Twilight's lines in Trollestia's voice from FiMB.
You know it makes sense that Twilight would be good at spotting "insincere" advances (and perhaps becoming a touch too paranoid because of it, dismissing the few genuine ones she might have gotten along the way) - everyone who is interested in political handrubbing (meaning probably most of canterlot elite) would probably kill to get in such a only-one-hoof-removed position from Celestia.
It also explains Twilight's antisocial tendencies, if she clued in early on that most everyone looking to be her friend (on any and all levels) only does so because of the political advantages, and said "f it" to the whole concept of "friendship" in general.
I... didn't think Twi would have it in her... Sort of feels like you may be building a fic-verse with stories like this...
6291077
Now, now... since She has the Caste Abilities covered, she needed to branch out somewhere for the other five... Most of my players went the Dawn/(Actual Caste) route... meant i could only throw combat scenes at them, unless i wanted most of the party to sit around sulking. so boring for me...
It's a nice story you've got here. Good set-up, good jokes, final twist was nice. The only thing I can think to bring up as a critique is that it feels like Field was meant to be an unsympathetic comedy protagonist, but I don't really think he was unsympathetic enough for it. You say you were going for a real sleaze, but unless I've missed something, he just comes off to me as a guy interested in some casual sex who thought that Twilight was up for it as well, and she essentially just led him on until he bailed. Maybe I'm empathising with the wrong character, but I feel like more could've been done to more clearly define Field as the scumbag I'm told he is, because it's not the vibe I get from him as of this version. But that's just my take, and I still like the fic overall. And I especially like that unicorn headcanon.
Ya did a good job.
Invasive scan without permission? Yeah I'd be outta there.
And that would be another red flag to get out of there, lol
Totally captured Twilight there! I loved it! Although to be honest, even though Twilight is no Applejack, I'd stick around.
Bravo my good Sir/Madam, 5/5 moustaches
I particularly like that unicorn!Twilight is both A) high attractive and B) completely oblivious of that fact. I will admit, I found Field Player (I see what you did there) increasingly intolerable, which only made his humbling, for want of a better term, all the more pleasant. I'm curious, though, did he ever figure out Twilight was trolling him?
Oh good stuff, very good indeed! While this was a delightfully funny fic, I was especially impressed by your transition over halfway through it from the 1st person POV to the 3rd person POV (switching characters as well, no less). Quite a bit of narrative trickery there as well, as for a while there I was quite certain that not only was Field Player the protagonist of this, but that things were indeed going to go his way (up until near the end of his section). But even then I didn't see the prank bit coming into play, though I do love it when Twilight applies her eggheadedness towards social endeavors. All in all, an excellent one-shot most worthy of a like and favorite indeed!
That was quite funny
Oh, but Twilight....this one didn't know about your relationship with the crown and actually thought you were hot. And you scared him away.
Foamy, this is your attempt at smut?! Oh, imagine what wonders you could pull off if you let go of your inhibitions. Oh, and the apparent will to stay within the guidelines of the beurocracy. Those damned beurocrats grrr...
Imagine what fascinating inner kinks you could express! Oh ho ho! Actually, why do I have the feeling it would have something with sexualizing knowledge? 0_o
I wish Field Player was sleazier. But I'm used to the likes of Joey Ryan from the indie pro wrestling circuit. You might not want to search him up on youtube (or maybe you might want to?). I never realized how a lollipop could be used in so many wrong ways until I watched some matches involving him. The guy oozes with sleaze, hilariously so. Even his moveset is perverted.
Anyways, enough of what I want to see. Let's discuss headcannon.
So, I take it Earth pony magic invigorates actual muscle growth, opposing a unicorn's telekinetics?
I'm picturing magical fibres aligning themselves with the unicorn musculature as an actual, tangible thing, glowing the same as a unicorn's aura. Oh... actually, that does explain Twilight's glowy. She is a muscular lightbulb(?)
It makes one wonder how much latent magical talent would exist in a unicorn like Fleur Dis Lis, who is by far the tallest, slimmest unicorn seen in the show. It's assumed by a lot of the fandom that she's a supermodel. If that's the case, that huge magical potential is squandered, seeing as there isn't much magic use in supermodeling, well none that I can think of. But, how about if she's not a supermodel? Maybe she's a scientist? Or maybe some sort of trinket maker? Or a lighthouse lightbulb? Yeah, this piece of headcannon intrigues me in regards to other unicorns such as Fancy Pants and Blueblood, who have these non-standard, big builds. They prolly work out a lot, along with being sources of magical explosive fuel :B
Also explains why Sombra is friggin' huge and powerful.
Also, I'm thinking that those big unicorns are capable of intrinsically controlling the magical flow in their limbs. In the case that a young unicorn with high magical potential don't learn to control it, they explode. Ok, less morbidly, they prolly become like those long-limbed lanky adolescents who can't quite control their movements because they haven't gotten used to their growth spurt – they're clumsy. Magically clumsy, perhaps overexerting those magical threads running through their musculature.
As for other long-limbed ponies like filly Fluttershy, I guess they're a regular sort of clumsy? I guess what I'm saying is unicorns have a lot more factors in their lanky clumsiness? And some beautiful unicorns may be attractive but super clumsy (Bella from Twilight might be best depicted as a unicorn). Like, best to let them grab stuff with their telekinesis rather than with their hooves.
Oh yeah, Foamy? Have you read the Queen Chrysalis Fiendship is Magic comic? There's a bit of potential changeling headcannon I want discuss. It involves Thrulls :)
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I've been really bad about responding to comments on this story, but if I don't answer this one, it would just be a disgrace. So, Uncle, let's break this down:
Yeah, as others have noted, my attempts at sleaze are... well, subprofessional. I blame a healthy respect for woman, a lack of experience with real life sleazeballs, and wanting to make a narrator who didn't make people want to close the tab a few paragraphs in.
My fetishes fall under four categories: Physically impossible, morally reprehensible, both a and b, and perhaps worst of all, mutually consensual and enjoyable intercourse between two or more loving adults, at least one of whom is female. I will not be going into further detail.
On to the headcanon!
You're definitely right about earth pony magic encouraging muscle growth. After all, it's growth. The unicorn musculoskeletal system can be imagined as having thaumic muscles overlapping the physical ones. It's largely as you conceived it, though not down to the fibrous level. The thaumic muscles are more undifferentiated force vectors than exact replicas of the organs.
I believe Fleur de Lis is iconic of what happened when unicorns realized they found thin limbs attractive: Namely, they tried to cultivate the look. For those with weaker magic, that meant lounging around, doing as little physical labor as possible, and finding ways to justify their existence. Thus was created unicorn aristocracy.
Alternately, I do like the idea that Fleur and Fancy Pants are adventuring gentleponies. Her acting as the muscle is a glorious mental image. I recommend Ri2's Blueblood's Big Bad Bloody Brillaint Brouhaha as a hilarious example of them in action. (Also, it has Best Pony with a flail, so I'm probably a bit biased towards it.)
The adventuring lifestyle would also explain Fancy Pants's build. Shining's, of course, comes from guard training. Bless their hearts, they try. Sombra was probably pumped so full of shadow magic that he was bursting at the seams.
I hadn't considered manipulating the thaumic muscles. A fascinating and terrifying prospect, which is probably why I didn't consider it. Experimenting with one's own autonomic magical systems doesn't leave a wide margin for error; it's a bit like a pegasus plucking her feathers in midflight to see when she can't support herself any longer. Controlling the strength of the thaumic muscles does make sense, though it's also possible that unicorns might train while wearing inhibitor rings or using other antimagic equipment to ensure that all of the exertion goes towards improving their physical bodies.
Lankiness, especially in adolescents, can be pinned on the awkwardness of uneven pubescent growth. Fluttershy had to grow into her legs, for example. Likewise coordination. For those who are gangly and/or clumsy into adulthood, such is the nature of the genetic lottery.
I know the gist of the Chrysalis Fiendship comic. Aside from Twilight embracing the idiot ball with all eight limbs, counting her head, I thought it was fantastic. Feel free to move this to PM with that.
This, this was *brilliant*.
I honestly believed her prank was Twilight just being Twilight.
Favorited, liked, and I'm gonna feature this in my stories gallery. VERY VERY well done!