Forget not that I am a derp.
Field Player is a traveling performer who specializes in audiovisual illusion. After a show in one of the friendliest towns he's been to, he decides to sample a little local flavor. One mare was especially dazzled by the show. Wooing her should be easy enough, right?
A much-expanded entrant in the July 2015 Writeoff Competition. Prompt: "Best Laid Plans."
Rated Teen for suggestive dialogue.
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Slick. Personally I'd probably stay the course, or at least get to item #37 on the checklist.
Hmmm. About that no talent with the third person person thing. I almost expect a large stallion with a Stalliongrad accent to show up whereever she is and tell her "That burning you feel? It is shame."
Loved it!
Once she got to mentioning the two to four week wait, this fool should have realized he was being trolled.
...did she just use Bureaucracy charms to repel a pick-up artist. Is that what you just wrote.
This is the ultimate form of cock blocking.
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37. How long was your last banishment from this nation, planet, and/or plane of existence?
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"Field who? Oh right, him. Trixie hijacked his one spell and used it to play polka at him until he wept. Serves him right for trying to upstage the Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie!"
Oh, it wasn't Trixie who felt shame when last she met Field Player. If you asked her about him...
(Though, in all honesty, I kind of want to ship PlayTrix.)
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The catch is, he'd have to wait that long to realize it. Twilight has an in with the Canterlot Epiphany Board.
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I literally laughed for the better part of a minute after reading that. It wasn't my intention, but it is kind of what happened, isn't it? Bureaucracy may not be a Twilight Caste Ability, but she clearly favors it.
This was not what I was expecting (i.e. oblivious twilight wanted to disect frogs or somesuch). This is far better than I was expecting. I also love your unicorn body shape headcanon, and may steal it for my own use. Yet another reason for a certain amber flooficorn chef to be sensitive about her figure. >:D
Also, it'd help explain how resilient Twilight is to harm.
I wonder, though, how it relates to alicorn biology and its incorporation of all three tribes' magic. Do they have an ideal body type that would appeal to ponies of each tribe on different levels, or does the interaction of different magics produce a different body type completely? You raise so many questions, Fan!
On a related note, are you saying that Shiny has weaker magic than most, or that he had to work extra hard to get that ripped? I figure he's no slouch in the magical power department, as he was able to sustain a city-wide bubble shield for a few days at least. Or did I completely misread your meaning and you were actually saying that he'd have to be a magical powerhouse in order to have the figure he does?
I think that this would be funnier as just "Though I still don't see why the cheek swab is such a bad idea."
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Poor Amber. Floofycorns need love too. You're welcome to borrow the headcanon.
For more on my headcanon regarding what ponies look for in body types, including those of alicorns, I recommend this blog, especially the section "Third Dimension: Tribe."
As for Shining Armor, what I mean is that in order for a unicorn with that kind of magical potency to achieve that kind of physique, he must be ridiculously strong. At least, he must be according to my headcanon, which has all the authority of a wet tissue.
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Change made. There was a little confusion about that line in the Writeoff entry, but I think this should be pretty clear.
Very well done. I'm going to mention this story to my friends.
Came in expecting cringe humor, was pleasantly surprised. Thanks for another great read!
In fairness, the cheek swab idea is entirely sensible as far as I'm concerned. Possibly even the background check.
Hmm, I like that head canon for how unicorns see one another. Accepted
And yeah, Twi (pre ascension, of course) and Shining were probably the most powerful unicorns around. I mean, she could use time magic and he can blanket an entire city in a magical dome and maintain it while being drained. That said, Cady probably had to beat other mares back with a stick
I too had this headcanon about "thin unicorns". Sadly in the worst cases, where the magic is strong but not quite strong enough, you get a case of "glass ponies", and I'm not talking Crystal. But let us not speak of such things.
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I, uhh, kinda want to know the full list now, since you had a thirty-seven ready.
It would not surprise me if you did, in fact, have a full list worked out. At some point on there would need to be "Inform potential sexual partner that all of this has been a prank in order to ward off the sleaze bags and apologize for the deception."
Nice to see a version of Twilight that isn't completely oblivious. As much as the fandom likes to depict her as extremely awkward in social situations, she's never really been that maladjusted. I liked how her anti-scumbag defence is to more or less become the pony that a lot of bronies think she is.
Admittedly the writers would probably have given her a "before sex" checklist if that was the kind of joke they could really do on this show.
Really nice story. I missed this Write-off so I am very glad I got this chance to read it anyway.
Also, a Twilight capable of deflecting advances makes perfect sense, and it is a fundamentally different skill-set than making friends.
Hah! I expected an unexceptional, though well-done, story with oblivious Twilight misinterpreting all those scientific double-entendres and wearing down Field Player's patience. I was surprised, and delighted, by where the story went instead.
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If they ever decide to give the characters romantic lives, Twilight will have a dating checklist. Closest thing we'll get.
You got me! I did not expect that Twilight actually was doing that deliberately.
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I'm surprised by how many people were expecting an oblivious Twilight. I was going for a twist, yes, but not that one. I suppose the story rating rather undermines my intent. Still, it's neat to see how people find angles that follow what I was going for in unexpected directions.
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Yeah, I can't imagine they let just anypony court the Bearers. Especially not Twilight. Shining Armor probably has half a regiment stationed in Ponyville, keeping an eye on her.
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I do like the idea of Cadence embracing her full alicorn authority by beating back Shining's waves of adoring fanfillies.
"I AM LOVE, AND NONE SHALL HAVE HIM BUT I!"
And then Celestia lectured her niece on the proper, responsible use of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice.
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The feedback mechanism is normally such that weak magic leads to physically stronger limbs. It's only when very powerful unicorns suffer sudden disenchantment that they have to worry. Fortunately, any bones that were broken during Tirek's rampage were healed by the Rainbow Power Carrier Wave.
As for the full questionnaire, I'm sorry to say that I made up #37 on the spot.
6292819 sounds like an inversion of Chrysalis XD
Twilight has weaponised adorkable. What is the name of that feeling when your heart goes squee, while your head screams flee?
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I can totally see an episode about Twilight nearly ruining a date because she won't stop with the checklist long enough to actually participate in the date (or she's so intent on the movie and dinner that she's basically ignoring the poor guy).
I mean, I don't think it will happen because I think Flash Sentry's role is the closest we'll get to seeing the mane six date, but it's easy to imagine what an actual "Twilight has a date" episode would look like.
Makes sense. Also, that was awesome!
That was cute. I was also one of the ones expecting so-oblivious-she-wears-him-down Twilight, but what you actually delivered was probably better.
Whatever else you have to say about him, Field Player is good at biology (I mean the scholastic sense).
Sorry if I'm missing something obvious here, but what is this supposed to mean? Is Shining Armor hideous by unicorn standards because he's so buff? Is his musculature exceptional only to unicorns and standard for other pony races? It makes it sound like he's magically weak and so needs the muscles, but that's honestly so ridiculous an idea that I'm wasting time and letters writing this sentence in the first place.
Magic reinforcing the body would explain why Twilight is so good at running and why she can survive anvils dropping on her head.
Oh, wow, that worked on so many levels. Keep up the good work, dude.
Between the title and the writing style, and faving this along with another short story, I honestly thought the whole time I was reading the one written by Estee.
...I don't know if that sounds like a compliment to you, but it was supposed to be one.
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I'm pretty sure it's "nervouscited." Or possibly "scaroused."
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I have hopefully clarified the point about Shining Armor. Basically, he borders on Bulk Biceps-level musculature given his magic levels. Not that attractive to the unicorn-oriented, but Cadence in Shiny-sexual.
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That's a pretty darn high compliment in my book! Thanks!
That prank suits Twilight PERFECTLY. I wasnt even sure what her motives were until the end!
Twilight should be proud.
Twilight you bad!
And I love it.
Funny stuff, this fic.
I fave this for brilliantly written Rarity.
And... k'now, the central concept is cool too.
Great fic.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
Ah, it's wonderful to read a story with an unreliable narrator. Poor widdle insecure Player, it's pretty clear that Trixie shot him down brutally. Oh wait, he's a sleaze and his misery brings me joy. never mind, I'm good.
All in all, a fun read. The realization of what's really going on builds up gradually in a perfectly paced way. Loved it.
You slip into third person here.
I don't think I got a chance to write a review for this one in the writeoff, but this version is definitely better. The only large ptiblen I saw here was that it seemed to me that you spent too much time at the beginning painting Field Player as a decent, though snobbish about his work, pony. Even though I knee he was a sleazeball from the writeoff version, he didn't seem that way here until several paragraphs in.
Still, this is a rather good and amusing story.
Dat stallion's face.
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After that I ended up reading Twilight's lines in Trollestia's voice from FiMB.
You know it makes sense that Twilight would be good at spotting "insincere" advances (and perhaps becoming a touch too paranoid because of it, dismissing the few genuine ones she might have gotten along the way) - everyone who is interested in political handrubbing (meaning probably most of canterlot elite) would probably kill to get in such a only-one-hoof-removed position from Celestia.
It also explains Twilight's antisocial tendencies, if she clued in early on that most everyone looking to be her friend (on any and all levels) only does so because of the political advantages, and said "f it" to the whole concept of "friendship" in general.
I... didn't think Twi would have it in her... Sort of feels like you may be building a fic-verse with stories like this...
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Now, now... since She has the Caste Abilities covered, she needed to branch out somewhere for the other five... Most of my players went the Dawn/(Actual Caste) route... meant i could only throw combat scenes at them, unless i wanted most of the party to sit around sulking. so boring for me...
It's a nice story you've got here. Good set-up, good jokes, final twist was nice. The only thing I can think to bring up as a critique is that it feels like Field was meant to be an unsympathetic comedy protagonist, but I don't really think he was unsympathetic enough for it. You say you were going for a real sleaze, but unless I've missed something, he just comes off to me as a guy interested in some casual sex who thought that Twilight was up for it as well, and she essentially just led him on until he bailed. Maybe I'm empathising with the wrong character, but I feel like more could've been done to more clearly define Field as the scumbag I'm told he is, because it's not the vibe I get from him as of this version. But that's just my take, and I still like the fic overall. And I especially like that unicorn headcanon.
Ya did a good job.
Invasive scan without permission? Yeah I'd be outta there.
And that would be another red flag to get out of there, lol
Totally captured Twilight there! I loved it! Although to be honest, even though Twilight is no Applejack, I'd stick around.
Bravo my good Sir/Madam, 5/5 moustaches
I particularly like that unicorn!Twilight is both A) high attractive and B) completely oblivious of that fact. I will admit, I found Field Player (I see what you did there) increasingly intolerable, which only made his humbling, for want of a better term, all the more pleasant. I'm curious, though, did he ever figure out Twilight was trolling him?
Oh good stuff, very good indeed! While this was a delightfully funny fic, I was especially impressed by your transition over halfway through it from the 1st person POV to the 3rd person POV (switching characters as well, no less). Quite a bit of narrative trickery there as well, as for a while there I was quite certain that not only was Field Player the protagonist of this, but that things were indeed going to go his way (up until near the end of his section). But even then I didn't see the prank bit coming into play, though I do love it when Twilight applies her eggheadedness towards social endeavors. All in all, an excellent one-shot most worthy of a like and favorite indeed!
That was quite funny
Oh, but Twilight....this one didn't know about your relationship with the crown and actually thought you were hot. And you scared him away.
Foamy, this is your attempt at smut?! Oh, imagine what wonders you could pull off if you let go of your inhibitions. Oh, and the apparent will to stay within the guidelines of the beurocracy. Those damned beurocrats grrr...
Imagine what fascinating inner kinks you could express! Oh ho ho! Actually, why do I have the feeling it would have something with sexualizing knowledge? 0_o
I wish Field Player was sleazier. But I'm used to the likes of Joey Ryan from the indie pro wrestling circuit. You might not want to search him up on youtube (or maybe you might want to?). I never realized how a lollipop could be used in so many wrong ways until I watched some matches involving him. The guy oozes with sleaze, hilariously so. Even his moveset is perverted.
Anyways, enough of what I want to see. Let's discuss headcannon.
So, I take it Earth pony magic invigorates actual muscle growth, opposing a unicorn's telekinetics?
I'm picturing magical fibres aligning themselves with the unicorn musculature as an actual, tangible thing, glowing the same as a unicorn's aura. Oh... actually, that does explain Twilight's glowy. She is a muscular lightbulb(?)
It makes one wonder how much latent magical talent would exist in a unicorn like Fleur Dis Lis, who is by far the tallest, slimmest unicorn seen in the show. It's assumed by a lot of the fandom that she's a supermodel. If that's the case, that huge magical potential is squandered, seeing as there isn't much magic use in supermodeling, well none that I can think of. But, how about if she's not a supermodel? Maybe she's a scientist? Or maybe some sort of trinket maker? Or a lighthouse lightbulb? Yeah, this piece of headcannon intrigues me in regards to other unicorns such as Fancy Pants and Blueblood, who have these non-standard, big builds. They prolly work out a lot, along with being sources of magical explosive fuel :B
Also explains why Sombra is friggin' huge and powerful.
Also, I'm thinking that those big unicorns are capable of intrinsically controlling the magical flow in their limbs. In the case that a young unicorn with high magical potential don't learn to control it, they explode. Ok, less morbidly, they prolly become like those long-limbed lanky adolescents who can't quite control their movements because they haven't gotten used to their growth spurt – they're clumsy. Magically clumsy, perhaps overexerting those magical threads running through their musculature.
As for other long-limbed ponies like filly Fluttershy, I guess they're a regular sort of clumsy? I guess what I'm saying is unicorns have a lot more factors in their lanky clumsiness? And some beautiful unicorns may be attractive but super clumsy (Bella from Twilight might be best depicted as a unicorn). Like, best to let them grab stuff with their telekinesis rather than with their hooves.
Oh yeah, Foamy? Have you read the Queen Chrysalis Fiendship is Magic comic? There's a bit of potential changeling headcannon I want discuss. It involves Thrulls :)
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I've been really bad about responding to comments on this story, but if I don't answer this one, it would just be a disgrace. So, Uncle, let's break this down:
Yeah, as others have noted, my attempts at sleaze are... well, subprofessional. I blame a healthy respect for woman, a lack of experience with real life sleazeballs, and wanting to make a narrator who didn't make people want to close the tab a few paragraphs in.
My fetishes fall under four categories: Physically impossible, morally reprehensible, both a and b, and perhaps worst of all, mutually consensual and enjoyable intercourse between two or more loving adults, at least one of whom is female. I will not be going into further detail.
On to the headcanon!
You're definitely right about earth pony magic encouraging muscle growth. After all, it's growth. The unicorn musculoskeletal system can be imagined as having thaumic muscles overlapping the physical ones. It's largely as you conceived it, though not down to the fibrous level. The thaumic muscles are more undifferentiated force vectors than exact replicas of the organs.
I believe Fleur de Lis is iconic of what happened when unicorns realized they found thin limbs attractive: Namely, they tried to cultivate the look. For those with weaker magic, that meant lounging around, doing as little physical labor as possible, and finding ways to justify their existence. Thus was created unicorn aristocracy.
Alternately, I do like the idea that Fleur and Fancy Pants are adventuring gentleponies. Her acting as the muscle is a glorious mental image. I recommend Ri2's Blueblood's Big Bad Bloody Brillaint Brouhaha as a hilarious example of them in action. (Also, it has Best Pony with a flail, so I'm probably a bit biased towards it.)
The adventuring lifestyle would also explain Fancy Pants's build. Shining's, of course, comes from guard training. Bless their hearts, they try. Sombra was probably pumped so full of shadow magic that he was bursting at the seams.
I hadn't considered manipulating the thaumic muscles. A fascinating and terrifying prospect, which is probably why I didn't consider it. Experimenting with one's own autonomic magical systems doesn't leave a wide margin for error; it's a bit like a pegasus plucking her feathers in midflight to see when she can't support herself any longer. Controlling the strength of the thaumic muscles does make sense, though it's also possible that unicorns might train while wearing inhibitor rings or using other antimagic equipment to ensure that all of the exertion goes towards improving their physical bodies.
Lankiness, especially in adolescents, can be pinned on the awkwardness of uneven pubescent growth. Fluttershy had to grow into her legs, for example. Likewise coordination. For those who are gangly and/or clumsy into adulthood, such is the nature of the genetic lottery.
I know the gist of the Chrysalis Fiendship comic. Aside from Twilight embracing the idiot ball with all eight limbs, counting her head, I thought it was fantastic. Feel free to move this to PM with that.
This, this was *brilliant*.
I honestly believed her prank was Twilight just being Twilight.
Favorited, liked, and I'm gonna feature this in my stories gallery. VERY VERY well done!