• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Cloud Hop


Cloud Hop is a pegasus pony working as a research assistant in the Cloudsdale weather factory. He may also be a code-wielding applied mathematician who makes games and music.

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Source

Being Princess Celestia's personal guard is a gruelling, thankless job. However, when the Princess begins tutoring a small purple filly, Bastion finds himself on the receiving end of a much needed hug.

Entry for the EFNW Pre-Con Writing Contest 2015.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 95 )

Adorable.

This was very well done.
It's almost a shame that this is all there is.
Good feels are nice to see.

5780204

Blame the 3000 word limit. I might be coerced into doing more if people like it, though.

5780213 Well, the results thus far are promising.

Not bad at all!

Short, sweet, and very well done.

~Skeeter The Lurker

That was pretty cute :twilightsmile:

It's heartwarming. I like it.

An adorable little tale.:twilightsmile:

Boooooooooo, you took the idea of devoted guard before me. Oh well. :derpytongue2:

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, and scanned the area for threats. As usual, there were none, although somepony could conceivably leap from the two loose curtains on the other end of the hall, grab onto the chandeliers and hurl themselves at the princess.

Security: THIS GUY IS DOING IT RIGHT :flutterrage:

OAH MAH GWAD! I almost cried

i know its a fleeting story but o feel this could be something great

this strory alone has gained you a follower

i hope you have it in you to write more of this

oh wait i already am

nevermind, this story was a good reminder why though

Good morning, Aegis.

Hee heeeeee~! :twilightsmile::heart:

Official Review: "Bastion"

Link: Bastion
Description: "Being Princess Celestia's personal guard is a gruelling, thankless job. However, when the Princess begins tutoring a small purple filly, Bastion finds himself on the receiving end of a much needed hug."

Bastion, the old guard (literally) dedicates himself to protecting his charge. It consumes his life in every way. With the introduction of one little purple filly, perhaps his world will expand a little.

8/10 For Writing Style/ Skill: High end writing, with a lot of thought put into every word. There are a few small grammar or layout issues that are slightly distracting, however these are easily forgotten.

5/5 For Family Friendliness: Though Bastion can be a bit gruff, the whole story its self is acceptable and I found nothing at all controversial. I would absolutely recommend this adorable little story to anyone of any age.

Comment: This was cute, simple, and heart warming! Great work! I also would love to see/ read more! Keep up the good work!

so cuuuuute and well-written!! love it :twilightsmile:

I could see this happening. Was Shining already in the guards at this point?

5781280 Cant have a story about the Guard without you.

THAT. IS. ADORABLE.

The parts with Twilight reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld in which George gives a security guy a chair. Though, this is far more adorable and seems to have turned out better.

hmm I have not read it yet but something tells me that I will like it.

:fluttershbad:
GAAAH! Right in the feels...

I will admit, I have a few tears building up... you gotta feel sorry for him...

So cute! Although I can't really imagine Twilight being that extroverted, even when she's excited, but it's still adorable. Very well-done. :twilightsmile:

This is a really well written story, excellent job :twilightsmile:

I would love to see this become a multi chapter story rather than a oneshot... But oh well! Excellent story and very well written!

5784290

"Bastion 2: The Search For More Hugs"

(I really don't think I can actually meaningfully extend this without a radical departure from the tone of this story).

Interesting idea, but the ratio of events in this fic is not very appropriate, if you ask me. 90% of the plot is spent hammering in how Bastion is this "super-devoted honor guard who will die alone because he doesn't care about going out and getting laid" (even though I could already grasp that from the first few paragraphs), followed by a rushed "bonding" between him and Twilight.

If that ratio had been 50:50, the story would have had more of an effect. This way it just feels like Bastion can change his own personality however he wants to. If that's the case, how come he wasn't able to make any friends before?

Okay, filly Twilight's interactions are just so... d'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Grats on the feature.

This was a bit too short for my tastes. The instant gratification of Twilight making Bastion like her was a bit of a letdown. Also, some of the lines I can't read in Twilight's voice unless I try.

Oh well, it was still cute. Worth reading.

Sheesh, Bastion, where were you when the changelings attacked?

...probably retired.

Nice story and all, but the premise is a bit unbelievable. This kind of security is way overkill for a such a peaceful country.

5784684

Originally it was longer but I had to cut it down so it'd fit inside the 3000 word limit.

5785529 Dischord. Changelings. Nightmare Moon. The Everfree Invasion. Sombra. Dragons. Hydras. Quarray Eals. Diamond Dogs. Tirek.

There is no overkill in Equestria. There is only 'open fire' and 'reload'.

-Chessie

Oh, wow! I see quite a bit of potential here. Consider extending it at least a few more chapters. I guarantee people will love it.

5785939

Can't do that because of contest rules :fluttershysad:

5785709 Don't buy it. Bastion wouldn't stand a chance against any of those, the story even made it clear that he was just there to buy the princess a couple of milliseconds of time to put up her nigh-unbeatable defenses. He's only useful against low-power assassins that want to catch Celestia by surprise.

In other words, he's just an early-warning system. Maybe that's a good idea to have for a monarch, but its completely unreasonable to expect just one guard to do it. I'd go further and say its akin to slavery.

5786039
If you can come up with the content to warrent it, maybe edit it and set the edited version as a seperate story? It could have the same or a similar start, and then build from there.

5786333

I could consider a sequel, sure, but FimFiction's rules explicitly forbid me from submitting the same story again, even if it has been substantially modified.

5786403
Hmm. The only other thing I can think of is labeling the first chapter as a one-shot, then restarting the story from chapter 2. Is that a thing that's allowed?

I eat when she eats and sleeps when she sleeps.

You mean "sleep when she sleeps." Saying "sleeps" makes the sentence effectively "I sleeps when she sleeps" and I can tell that's not what you're going for.

5786403 the fuck? Since when is that a thing? Users make sequels to their stories all the time. Just name it "Bation Chronicles" or whatever you want, and continue where you left off. There is no way this website forbids you from continuing your work.

5786403 I just realized this was for a contest, I redact my previous comment. Have a nice day, and good story bro.

5786457

That is technically allowed, yes. I can also actually append the original one-shot to the end. The contest judging lasts a month, so after that I will have to ask if I can simply cut off part of the first chapter and then continue it from there.

Little Twilight is so adorable here! She, and all of the characters, really leapt out of the screen at me with how they spoke and acted. The dialogue and scenery was all well-constructed, and I could picture the settings so clearly. Well done. :twilightsmile:

5787319 this needs to have another storie.
you could call it the legend of bastion or a different name if u want.

5788163 This plan is a grand plan :moustache:

While a cute and moderately moving story, my suspension of disbelief has been reached. I can understand Celestia having a personal guard, but no breaks, no bed but instead sleeping outside her door, no days off for family. Bastion sounds more like a slave than a guard, and Celestia being Celestia would not force such work conditions on any of her subjects. You went way overboard with the work conditions Bastion has to endure. I know even real life personal bodyguards get some sort of downtime for themselves and certainly don't have to sleep in front of their charge's door.

As others have said before me this is a very sweet story and I enjoyed it. I'll be following your writing from now on I think.

5786228 Well, it's his talent. Granted, Princess Celestia doesn't seem to have any problems dicking with the fates and destinies of her subjects.

-Chessie

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