• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Cloud Hop


Cloud Hop is a pegasus pony working as a research assistant in the Cloudsdale weather factory. He may also be a code-wielding applied mathematician who makes games and music.

T
Source

Berry Dots is a quiet, but respected, stallion employed as an accountant at a small business. He causes no trouble, and is a kind and considerate neighbor.

He also harbors a dark secret.

Every day of his adult life, he has been fighting a monster he can't see, or taste, or touch. An evil that, if left unchecked, would ruin countless lives. A darkness that nopony else can ever know about.

Until last Thursday happened.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )

This was great! I like how this was written, the ending is better than a lot of stories I have read.

More!

Even though the story is over.. I don't know how you could continue it, but I really liked it. I wanna hear how his neighbors and friends wonder if he was some secret hero or something. :pinkiesad2:

A sequel from the view point of his family? :applejackunsure:

4880531

I could always do a midqual of sorts, and detail his adventures, but a tricky part of writing this was keeping it vague enough that it could be anything. If I wanted to write something longer I'd have to commit to one particular thing, and I wanted the darkness to be something the reader projects on to the character

4880537
Hmm, socially bad but not illegal vs socially bad and illegal...
He was a Bieber fan?

When I read how The Baltimare Protocol works, I instantly thought of many ways it could be exploited.
Want to get away with almost any crime? Live near some place that has the Baltimare Protocol enacted!
Until you remember choosing to live in a high crime area for that reason, of course.

I like this because while not as bad as in this story I do get intrusive thoughts often and it is sort of an unsung issue. So I really connected with this character I liked that having someone know didn't fix the problem seemed more real to me like that. Thank you for the introspective read it was good.

That was really quite good, though I can't help but wonder a little why his nightmares never came to Luna's attention (and why school fillies seem to get her attention instead, heh). Could be as easy an explanation as Luna not scaling particularly well, with random citizens who are too many degrees of separation away just not being on her radar.

I think the vagueness works very well, to the extent that any expansion of the story would probably ruin some of the effect. This is just a random accountant dude after all, aside from his internal issues his life is probably the definition of slice-of-life. That said, working from my idea above I could imagine a midqual of how he handles his nightmares and urges now that Luna knows his name. He is no longer flying solo, after all, and the simple fact that Luna knows and did not condemn him for it could have a drastic effect on his overall mental health.

4882170

The problem with nightmares is that lots of ponies have them, and they rarely make coherent sense. It's hard to extrapolate "Oh you have a suppressed homicidal urge" from a random nightmare. The two nightmares I remember from my childhood involved the kids from the magic school bus being evil monsters floating in a nonsensical pile of goo, and littlefoot walking into a tarpit and turning into a skeleton except then he wasn't a skeleton and then I was littlefoot and tried to walk into the sunset and couldn't??? Real nightmares make no sense.

I did try to imply that his life got better after Luna reassured him that his urges were not his fault, and that nopony would judge him on his fantasies as long as they stayed in his dreams.

4881785

Thanks! :yay:

Well, that was quite a story. Made the feels ache a bit. Masterfully done, in my opinion.

That... was depressing, but also very uplifting at the same time. I think that's the only time I've been happy when the main character died- not because I didn't like him, but because it meant he won. Good story, old chap.

This needs more fav's and likes. :pinkiehappy:

I liked it, it was thought provoking and had a bitter sweet ending
It left me with enough closure so that I won't ask for more of this story but just enough to enjoy it as is :ajsmug:

Sing her song and become nothing.

Feels liquidated around my eyes.
I'm a sucker for martyrs. Good job :applecry:

A lot of authors believe that more details make better stories. In many cases, they're mostly right. It's really nice to see someone so masterfully use a lack of details to enhance their story to the next level. If Dots' urge had been clearly defined, I might've just liked and moved on, but I think this one's gonna stick with me.

Also: LUNA IS BEST PONY!
/micdrop

I really liked this story. I interpreted the darkness as schizophrenia simply because I've known some people with it, and this seems similar to what they've sometimes described. I also liked how Luna was understanding of Berry; after all, she gave in to her dark urges to become Nightmare Moon, so she probably understood what Berry was going through. In a way, he was more powerful than her.

Liked and Favorited.

Neat.

Always judgement for everything, no matter what. Our thoughts will damn us anyway because there won't be heaven in life and much hell in death. If you're going to hell either way, might as well kick and scream how you want to be instead how you are.

Berry Dots is metal as fuck.

But if he didn't done do'ed it.... THEN WHO WAS MURDERER?!

I need to lay down... too many feels

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