• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Cloud Hop


Cloud Hop is a pegasus pony working as a research assistant in the Cloudsdale weather factory. He may also be a code-wielding applied mathematician who makes games and music.

T
Source

I'm in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of orifices I didn't know I had. Why am I there? Why is Rainbow Dash sitting in the corner?

Why is she crying?

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 491 )

Well, at least this looks like it will turn out better than the last time I unexpectedly woke up in a hospital. But it's still two times in just over a week. I really need to be more careful.

You have my interest.

The interest has peaked sir.

Personally I always take these 'you' stories with a bit of salt. 'I' have never had wings, so 'I' can't really comprehend the full horror of losing what 'I' never had.

Still, great story! Have a like & Fav!

"Rainbow Dash," interrupted the doctor, "he doesn't know what you're talking about."

Drat.

Is it Soarin... IS IT SOARIN?

I HAVE A SOLUTION FOR HIM it involves large sticks, string and 2 large pieces of paper

The story is good, I like the writing, the mystery has me engaged, but I have one massive problem here...
Why is it in second person?

Is there a story reason for the second person perspective? It places a barrier between the story and my enjoyment. 'I' am not a pegasi, I have never had wings and I can't really empathize with the horror of losing them. The protagonist's loss is a wonderful idea to explore, but the account needs to show it, and a second person account relies too heavily on the readers experience, a common background of knowledge to convey basic story elements.

I have read very few stories that benefited from second person, it tends to be a gimmick for reader buy in. Cold in Gardez wrote the excellent 'For Whom we are Hungry', a well executed second person story where the perspective helps to highlight how alien the protagonist is. Here I'm not certain what the perspective adds to the story.

The story itself is very good, in first person I would add this to my favourites in a heartbeat. As a second person fic I don't think I will continue reading.

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This story premise came to me in second person. I haven't written a second person before, so this was a bit of an experiment. I wanted to see "gee can I write a second person story like this?"

Apparently the answer is no, since this appears to just be negatively affecting the story. This is what i get for writing something at 3 AM. I hesitate to just change the entire story to first person because that would confuse a lot of people, but I may end up having to do it.

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The barrier to writing an excellent second person story is almost prohibitively high. The only times I have seen it work well are experimental pieces, in general it tends to be used for cheap buy in, YA adventures and pornography overuse this device.

I will promise this, rewritten as first person, you have my favorite and up vote in an instant.

It is not an indictment of your skill as a writer, there is exactly one second person story on this site that truly excels.

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Negatively affected? You got more 'yay' than 'boo' comments

do what you want, not what others want you to do :yay:

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After rewriting it in first person, I think it ends up working better even if it requires a shift in perspective. I've updated the story.

Intriguingly, the result is something I would never write. Apparently I write second person scenes differently than first person scenes.

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Holy crap man, what a difference perspective makes!

This is a much more engaging read, the style works very well to convey the confusion of waking up in a hospital with no memory.

I think the story benefits from the change.
Keep up the good work.

There are two valid uses for second person I'm familiar with, choose your own adventure stories and pregenerated characters for a role-playing game. The latter doesn't even need it, as you can communicate the character with first or third person descriptions.

But for the former, and more common, example, there were good and bad ways to handle it. If the story tells details about "you," then it better be telling you who you are. It's annoying to read in the introduction that "You are looking forward to getting home to your brother, your sister, and your pet hamster," when in fact you have none of these.

In the case of this story, if you're using an amnesia angle, then you can get away with using the "you" to mean a specific pony before you reveal who the "you" is. But I would prefer to use first person in this situation.

I hate the fact you can apparently change something like this from 2nd person to 1st in under 3 hours, but it takes me weeks to write new chapters for anything. How the hell? :twilightangry2:

Fascinating concept by the by. Do keep it up.

i'm loving this so far but the chapters are really short apart from that i love it :rainbowkiss::heart:

Interesting stuff. I love the descriptions of the injuries. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit weird, but I do love gory medical details.) :twilightblush:

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I'm doing a thing where I'm trying to cut each chapter off at a specific point.

As a result, I expect the next chapter to be as long as the entire current story.

Interesting. I was not expecting much from this when I opened it up, especially given the short chapter lengths (I know, judgmental much?), but it pleasantly surprised me. Take a fav and like, I'm interested where this is going....

Excellent choice changing the perspective. I really hate the second person viewpoint. I think some writers think it makes the bond between the protagonist and the reader stronger, it doesn't. It's clumsy and obvious. In a well written piece the reader always empathizes with the character. So good move there. It makes the story much better. And although I wasn't sure about it at first, the story has intrigued me.

Oh good lord... the feels.
Shuddup and take my like and favourite :raritycry:!

Comment posted by Fire__Wolf deleted Sep 12th, 2014

OH MY LORD NO WINGS AGH:fluttershyouch:

Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllzzzzzz :fluttercry:

It's lover boy twilight crushes on, case solved! :pinkiegasp:

Isn't this Twilight? The pony in the cover image is definitely her color... I would have expected Twilight to check for her horn first, so maybe it isn't her.

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Just because it's purple doesn't mean it's Twilight.

(also the cover image may not be 100% accurate, either)

I was about to put a my leg running gag but decided that it was overused

4992832 OOOOHHHH PURDY :3

Who's in the bed?! I wanna knoooww!! :flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::pinkiecrazy:

I'm curious. Will we ever know who it is? Or will it remain up to our imaginations?

Other than that, I'm really enjoying this!

Rainbow's tricks were bound to get somepony hurt eventually... who could it be? :derpyderp2:

I think it's either Soarin or Scootaloo...

Okay, so it's not Scootaloo...

Interesting. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

Its Fluttershy thats what Im going with and why out of everyone with wings thats friends with Rainbow, Flutters is the only one Rainbow would stick to like glue if something happened, but please tell me I am wrong because then I would cry like I did for the story Letting go.

Ok so I was off by a little bit but I got another guess its her father isnt it. Its either that Sorin which I don't think I would like, or Rumble

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These are all wrong.

You will never guess who it is.

You have until I post the next chapter to try, though.

:trollestia:

4998123 ...Pinkiamena Diane Pie?

4998255 I think it's probably male. One of the Wonderbolts?

Comment posted by dawnavis deleted Sep 22nd, 2014

I've got an idea- it's Rainbow herself. She's just finding it difficult to come to terms with her own accident.

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That's a good idea.

:trollestia:

"It's not your fault," said the doctor, "your heart stopped on the way to the hospital. The medics spent ten minutes bringing you back to life. You'll have trouble remembering the past three days for a while. I'm sorry to say that the 24 hours before the accident will likely never come back."

10 minutes of no blood to the brain would result in much more brain damage then three days of memory loss. Maybe even total brain death. But what do I know of magical ponies brains?

5000947
You're assuming 10 minutes of lying passively without medical attention. You can recover without lasting damage even after 30 minutes of non-stop CPR. The procedure is essentially about pumping oxygen into your lungs and pumping your blood by depressing your chest.
You are right that 10 minutes of no heart action whatsoever would lead to serious damage. But heart stopping, immediately followed by ten minutes of CPR performed by professionals who do this for a living, would hardly result in damages as serious as described here (although the trauma of the original accident certainly could; also blood loss or other injuries could be a serious factor, as well as errors on the side of the medical crew, like starting CPR late.)

5000312
then why did you misguide us with:

"Rainbow Dash," interrupted the doctor, "he doesn't know what you're talking about."

RD having gender identity issues? Or the doctor confusing the patient's gender?
At first I thought it was Twilicorn ("mental checklist"), but that line threw me off. Unless we're running R64...

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