• Member Since 9th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen April 2nd

Cinnamon Clover


A pegasister trying to figure out her place in life.

T
Source

After a drunken one night stand, Rainbow Dash finds herself unexpectedly expecting. That's right! She's gonna be a mom!-

-But first she's gotta survive the eleven months of cravings, mood swings and morning sickness.

Follow her on the most trying eleven months of her life, along with her older brother, bestfriend and mom.


UPDATE!


IN THE PROCESS OF BEING REWRITTEN

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 261 )

her brother...SOARIN? oh this will be good...haa lfmao

2177003
Hey, I had to do SOMETHING for her family! It's actually been a head cannon I've been toying with for a while now...:twilightblush:

A very interesting take on Rainbow's childhood. I like it. I don't know how I feel about a bullet/gun being the step-dad's murder weapon though, because I don't think that guns actually exist in MLP but hey, that's might just be me. Keep up the good work!

2217953
Always go for the Clue reference. Always. I wish you the best however, both with this story, and any others that you deem worthy of the pen.

2218042
Umm... is that a compliment?:rainbowhuh:
If it is could you tell me what I'm doing right besides random pop culture references?

2218065
Yes it was a compliment, I was trying to be funny....but as I apparently I have yet to learn...that text does not translate humor well.
This story feels from the heart, and being that way it makes me care for the characters. It takes a certain something (which this story has) to make someone care for someone who is not flesh and blood but is actually text and ink.
Another reason that I honestly love story is the take on RD's past because my older brother has a similar past (except our father was the one who took care of him after his mother left them) so I connect with this story on a level that other stories cannot do. I actually want to give her a hug and tell her everthing will be ok. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need a proof reader or something like that, I'd happily do it.

Try to make your chps 1k+ k? alot of people that makes it a turn off right away for other people

2218693 & 2218154
I know! But I consider getting an average of a thousand words a chapter a huge accomplishment! Length is always my greatest struggle, as my world teacher is constantly telling me, I am far too laconic.

2218129
One of the themes I try to incorporate into all of my stories is that your experiences are what make you who you are today, so well done on being the first to pick up on that, EVER! Secondly, I would love it if you would be my proofreader! I'll send you a PM!

What exactly did you mean by "remedying" when Soarin was talking about his step-dad? Like a remedying hug? I would use reassuring there if at all possible. Second sentence "balenced."
More explanation on why RD is in the hospital would be good because this chapter was helter skelter all over the place. I would have put the first part after Soarin telling RD that they had to get out because of the party (had a feeling that Pinkie would cause something like this...:ajbemused:)
Rainbow will have to learn that she can't do what she used to because now she has to look out for two ponies, not just her own self...we'll see how well she takes that...expecting this :rainbowwild:
Overall, the jumpiness in this chapter does accomplish a feeling of confusion and worry in the reader with a cliffhanger to hook their emotional tastebuds. Keep it up and you'll go far.

2221220
That's what I was hoping for!:rainbowlaugh:
Don't worry, it'll make sense soon!

2221275
I had a feeling that that was your goal. You seem to have a sound enough mind to know what you are doing. If you keep publishing, I'll keep reading.

2221397
Well, I'll keep on writing as long as my fingers can keep up with me!:rainbowwild:

2221490
Don't make your fingers fall off...that would be tragic....although, with the advancements in prosthetics....

2221823
No, I meant that as long as I was able to keep up with my frenzied ADHD thoughts.:twilightblush:

2222937
Ah, now I understand. Best of luck with that.

Can we find the father to the foal in the last chapter plz:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

2223940
Um... Let me think about it...

No. Frankly, it would mess up the whole story universe I'm setting up.:ajbemused:

2228537 you dont understand what i mean NEXT :pinkiecrazy:

2228588
No, I probably don't but I do already have a rough outline of the entire series. No room for the unnamed father.:twilightangry2:

I think i broke my legs in that drastic shift in tone from last chapter, to this one.

2235751
So... Do you like it? :rainbowhuh: I wanted to do something to wake up the old brain wires! :rainbowwild:

2234867
Hey, don't worry. I'll save that idea for another story universe! I don't use just one over and over again.:twistnerd:
...
:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:
...
Between you, me and whoever bothers to read the comments, I actually like your idea. It just wouldn't work in this story's universe.

....Welp....Soarin is gonna die. Sure wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now.
As for editing/proofreading stuffs: "'Yes, she was the one who granted me permission to visit your dream." he confirmed, "Now, Rainbow I need you to do something for me.'" Possibly change that section to what I've put there. How it is now seems a little clunky and hard to interpret to me.
I can see that Rainbow Dash is going through some character development. She can no longer do all sorts of daring things because she has another pony to look after. She is going to need support, because no one should ever go through this alone. *imagining the "You have my..." scene from Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring for some reason*

I just read the whole thing and well i am a bit confuse mainly because you keep jumping from the past to the future and then to the present and i cant tell whats going on but it not a bad story it just confusing

2242916
Sorry! Sometimes it's hard to return to English tenses after working on my Latin tenses all day!:twilightblush:

2242858
He's in for it now! Don't worry, though Soarin', you're already in the hospital's emergency care center!:pinkiehappy:

"Nighty, night Daddy" Rainbow squeaked innocently before hugging him and kissing him on the forehead as if he was just asleep.

Damn that was.. That was too much

2246891
Yes, it is suppose to be there. The medical ponies are chasing after his sister.:facehoof:

Oh, now I see what you mean! Yeah, I'll change that!

I like Applejack's reaction to Soarin getting cut. No help or nothing. Poor guy, crazy sister out to get him and his beloved wincing as he Rainbow Dash attempts to brutally murder him. Although...he did get himself into this...soooo yeah. Glad I'm not him!

2247035
Hey, don't worry Soarin'! Eyepatches are cool!:pinkiecrazy::fluttershyouch:

Lmfao the knife was plasticxcxxxxx bye bye soarin ^^ wait why is dad mad about the reporters not knowing?? Isn't tht a good thing?

2247380
She thinking Soarin' lied to her + hormones squirming inside of her = one really pissed off Dash

2246891
"The light blue blur" was Soarin. He had Rainbow and the nurses hot on his tail.

2252774
Look, I don't know. You ponies keep on making me change that back and forth.

2252817 My apologies, it made sense to me :pinkiehappy:

2253212
No, I'm pretty sure that's a matter of preference. No need to apologize!

Okay full disclosure, I haven't read the entire story. That being said, lets talk a bit.

First thing, right off the bat. The beginning of your story should not be the same as your story description. I came here from the front page and the little description box there is the first paragraph. I can see it's not the actual description but still, big turn off, makes it seem like you are lazy, look in to it.

Second, I actually really like your dialogue choices for what I've read. They sound natural for the most part, (Pinkie is hard for everyone). Conversations, as brief as they are, coming to that, flow nicely and sound like things real people would say.

Third, the pace you've set is blistering. Conversations are over in seconds, decisions made in snap judgements, scenes transition with no lead in or out. It's just really, really fast. I think what will help a lot is...

Fourth, descriptions. There aren't any, okay, that's not fair. There aren't many or they're not enough.You do a good job of putting in body language or showing us what Dash is thinking but its always very brief, always super concise. You lose a bit by using such brevity, example, very first chapter.

"Oh, fine." Rainbow gave a look of mock defeat, "I'll stay and read the newest Daring Do."

See, my guess is that it's a joke, a very sarcastic comment about having to stay in the library. But I literally had to guess that. I had to reread the line to even get that it was supposed to be funny. "A look of mock defeat" does not convey near enough information to set a scene or set up the joke.
It doesn't need to be a flowery mess of imagery but give us more. A chuckle, a shake of her head, a roll of her eyes, a little smile, a pout, something.

Finally, not really a writing thing but, the pictures. They are cute I like them. My browser also has a stroke every time it sees one. I'm not sure whats going on there, maybe its just me but I doubt it. Looking at the pictures takes a solid 5-6 seconds to just scroll past them it bogs down my browser so much.

My two bits.

WAIT WHAT??........................... dashi doen't have a big bro but oh well a story is a story

aghhh I hate pulling of a mand-aid it hurts so mutch :raritycry:

2267079
Thanks for the critique. I'm actually trying to improve on those areas and I think you'll like the next chapter much more!

Sorry about the pics. I didn't have any problems and your the first to even comment on them.

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