After an abnormal string of events, Sweetie Belle ends up with a mechanical twin sister.
UPDATE!
On hiatus till at least 5/82013.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 9th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen March 16th
Cinnamon Clover
A trans dude and masters student just reading.
Cinnamon Clover
Joined 9th Nov, 2011 ·
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Okay i'll say this up front, This moved way too fast. What was the scene before the two started running/chasing? A few examples of the Q&A would be nice like what happened during the sisterhoof social. The interaction with the Applebloom and Scootaloo was just skipped over. The reaction from Rarity to find that she now has TWO sisters. I could also see a scene with Twilight trying to find a solution to this problem. And a medical pony that's also a mechanic? Plus A question for the future is who made robo-Sweetie?
Is this like that book about the boy who gets a robot brother and then teaches him how to swim?
Ok, I'll bite. But I agree with the first post; this moved way too fast. Additionally, this feels like it should be the third or so chapter of the story, or if you were doing the whole "start with action" style, you need tell how that action ended up happening.
Lastly, pick a PoV and stick with it. Either keep it as first person (even if from multiple people), or rewrite this as third person (that is what I would recommend, but that is really a matter of opinion) and stick with it.
1474528 & 1474487
Yeah, I know it moves too fast. It's one of my weak spots but eventually as I get more practice my writing flow will move much slower, or at least I hope it does. The Q&A isn't really all that important so I just didn't do it in the story. I might add a scene with Twilight because that does sound like a good idea. I was going to have a scene with Rarity freaking out but it didn't turn out right so I might add a new version to the prologue later, but as for now, just presume the fainting couch was used at least 10 times in that scene. I was having some trouble with how to place the other two crusaders in the story so, yes, I didn't do much with them at the moment. Dr. Condition likes doing mechanics over the weekend for fun, it's his guilty pleasure. Your going to learn who created her later on in the story and that's all I'll say about it for now. No, I have not read that book but it sounds interesting.
1474752
I tried to write the first chapter in third pony, but I couldn't. I decided to go along with using first pony, but I couldn't do it in the second chapter, so only the first chapter is in first pony and the rest are in third pony.
1474815
It's good. I like it.
Oh no...
ಠ_ಠ
Dun dun dun!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of a mediocre story. The very beginning part, before the first divider, was very good. After that, it quickly became unimaginative. There's no suspense. There's very little emotion. There's nothing to hold the reader's interest other than the premise. It's... boring. Tell us a story; don't just tell us what's happening. Paint a mental picture inside of our heads.
You also need to shoot for a higher word count. 1000-1500 words per chapter is generally considered the bare minimum for most stories.
At the moment, this story does not deserve a like or a dislike.
LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!
/
2159275 The word count, who cares. but really the only problem I have with this is that IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
Far too rushed. Seriously, where was the beginning of this story anyhow? this is like the tenth chapter.
2335434 Actually, I've seen it done before. There are a few other Sweetie Bot fics here on this site. There's also Friendship is Witchcraft, an "abridged series" of videos, which is probably what inspired this.
2335457
Correct! I got the idea from Of Robots And Ponies: The Secret Story of Sweetie Bot, a fanfic set in the Friendship is Witchcraft universe.
2335457 Huh? that's not what I meant. I meant that the storyline came from nowhere.
There was no beginning, no buildup, no storyline development, no sister bonding...
Just-ACKTHEREISAROBOTDOUBLECHASINGSWEETIEBELLACKITSAYSSWEETIEISAROBOTOOFORGETTHEFACTTHATITISAROBOTWE'RESUDDENLYSISTERSNOBONDINGREQUIREDRARITYHASNOBRAINANDDOESN'TCARESUDDENLYWATERWEFINALLYFINDOUTWHICHONEISTHEROBOTDOCTORDOESN'TCAREIT'SAROBOTANDSOMEHOWKNOWSTECHNICALSTHINGSWITHNOEXPLANATIONSUDDENLYSISTERSINSCHOOL.
.....yeah. BTW If you want a great Sweetie bot fic, read Flesh and Blood by videogamepony.
2336373 I see. Now I see what you're getting at. It's pretty clear what the author was trying to do with that, but it didn't work.
And I have checked it out. I've been tracking it for some time. Too bad the author takes so long to update it. But then, I'm not one to talk...
2337141
I had some pretty wicked ideas for the story...
...but then I lost my notebook.
FRIENDSHIP IS WITCHCRAFT..WITH SWEETIE BOT!!!!SQEEEEEEEE
MAKE MOAR
2338956
...meaning that the 5/8/2013 deadline has been extended. Gotcha.
2365625
Actually, something tells me that this is Freindship is Magic, not Freindship is Witchcraft. I guess Sweetie Bot got transported over to the other world...
2724011
Me: Right about that! It's closer to evil *mmhan*
Unknown, unnamed evil being: Shh! Don't give it away!
ehem, still on hiatus?
*sips coffee*
You know, I'm somewhat glad this was canceled when it was. It reads like a plot summary from a kid who got bored of writing the actual story, it has a cliche evil corporation behind the robot... Granted, stories like The Iron Horse have taught me to never underestimate a story with a secretive evil group behind the robot. Buuuuut this one appears to be rather... standard. Something I've seen a million times.
Honestly, had it been completed, I likely would have just tossed it in my "dropped stories" bin a couple chapters into it anyway. No idea what your writing is like now, but YIKES at this old dinosaur. It baffles me that readers scream for "more" of something of this level of quality.